The ABC's of Fathering a Daughter

Ever since the release of John Gray’s book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, many of us have been referring to women as “Venusians” and men as “Martians.”

I realize that guys got the short end of the stick on that label in being called “Martians” (sorry men!), but regardless of descriptions, this book really does sum up the obvious: men and women are from two different planets.

And even though we’re living in an era where gender equality and gender fluidity are hot button issues with the blending together of distinctions that differentiate our two species, my firm belief is this:

As males and females, we don’t think the same. We don’t talk the same. We don’t feel the same. We don’t live the same. Our wiring is different. Our needs are different. Our priorities are different…and on it goes.

This brings to mind something that one of the men in my dad’s group said a few years ago. Andy wasn’t sure of the name of the original book title so in talking about the differences between men and women he said,

“Women really are from Venus and men are from…is it Pluto?!”

He didn’t say it to be funny, but we all roared with laughter. I told him that I actually liked his version better than the original!

Experts say that the distance between Mars and Venus is anywhere between 35 and 222 million miles while the distance between Venus and Pluto is actually three billion miles. Truth be told, this larger number is probably more accurate in reflecting the gap between men and women much of the time, wouldn’t you agree?!

For a lot of dads who are on this journey of intentionally pursuing their daughter’s hearts after there’s been distance or challenge, they resign themselves to believing their relationship can’t be any closer than it is now.

They inadvertently accept that the three-billion-mile gap is something that can’t be changed.

So I’m standing here shouting a message of hope to these dads---and to each of you--- saying,

“Yes, it can be changed…and healed…
but YOU are the one who has to move your planet closer to hers.”

If you’re ready to step forward as a dialed-in dad, either to take the first step or keep the proactive steps going, here’s a starting place for change that I simply call “The ABC’s of Fathering.”

Action.

I’m guessing that every one of you had a favorite superhero growing up. I’m also guessing that the reason you identified with your particular crime fighter was because he took action. Could you even imagine an impotent, lethargic, unmotivated, and distracted version of your champion? Of course not!

It’s the same with fathering. In order to be your daughter’s superhero, you have to take action to intentionally and consistently pursue her heart. And by “heart” I am referring to her core self that feels passionate and comes alive when being all of who she was created to be.

You probably already have a handle on what action steps touch your daughter’s heart, but in case you would like an extra idea or two, action ideas include (but are not limited to): daily affirming her in written or verbal ways, showing up at events she is involved in, patiently holding her emotional reactivity, being present with your attention, listening fully, investing financially, and leading spiritually.

Be the man you want her to marry.

The best way you can ensure that your daughter will marry a quality guy and not a dud is to model the kind of man you want her to walk down the aisle to. You communicate more about her value and worth by the way you treat her than any lecture you could ever give. Stated otherwise, more is caught than taught. Let her experience in real time what it feels like to be treated like a lady by you, the first man who held her heart and the one guy in the world who doesn’t have a hidden agenda in loving her.

Consistency.

There is a powerful Bible verse that says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is like a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12). This essentially means that if you make a promise to your daughter, keep it so she doesn’t have to live with unfulfilled or dashed hope. And the result of being a promise-keeping, heart-pursuing, truth-speaking, tender-loving, stay-the-course dad is a daughter:

• Whose heart will stay open (the opposite of a “sick heart”)

• Who will be a vibrant, growing, maturing, life-giving “tree”

• Who will have greater self-confidence, more emotional stability, and succeed in reaching her life goals (all of this is confirmed by research)

So there it is. Your “A-B-C” formula with an action plan that works if you work it. And there’s no better time than the present to kick these ABC’s into action in order to be the dad you want to be and the dad your daughter needs you to be.

Why Is Dad No Fun?

Have your kids ever said or implied that you’re too serious, stern, lethargic, or less than enthusiastic? If so, you’ll appreciate hearing this story when I recently overheard these five words spoken by a very disappointed, disheartened girl: “Why is dad no fun?”

And if you’re like other dads, you’ve probably heard feedback from your kids about where you rank on the “fun scale.” Perhaps you’re a lot more engaged and active with your kids than your father was, which leads you to evaluate yourself high on this self-rated scale. But because your kids didn’t grow up in your era, their only point of reference is you. So as you read on, I invite you to look at this dynamic from a daughter’s perspective. 

The other day I walked into the most colorful store I’ve ever been in: the Crayola store at the Crown Center in Kansas City. The entire store is like being inside one big, bright box of crayons in every color imaginable. I was quickly mesmerized by the super creative artwork on every wall, as well as the oversized Crayola replicas that provided the perfect backdrops for selfies.

Not only that, but the place itself is a kid’s paradise with things to keep them engaged and entertained----from one-of-a-kind shades of Crayola and colored pencils and markers to paints, toys, and activity kits. They even had an entire section just for adult coloring!

So even as a big kid myself, I was captivated by the happy feel of the store and felt like I was walking back in time through my own childhood.

And because all good things must come to an end, I finally headed towards the main entrance, and that’s when I heard a 12-year old girl say five words that pierced the air:

“Why is Dad no fun?”

That’s when I saw her dad walk away from his family as she, her mom, and little brother walked under the big Crayola box entrance, pictured on the right. Clearly to this young girl, not having her dad there made the experience less than she had hoped for.

On one hand, this might not seem like a big deal. Isn’t dad entitled to shop where he prefers, specifically a store that isn’t covered with cutesy décor and colorful craft tables? Of course he is.

But on the other hand, his daughter still wanted him around and he missed an opportunity to connect with her in a way that had meaning and value to her.

She’s about to enter adolescence, and before her dad knows it, she’ll be leaving home. He’s got such a short time left with her under his roof, and if he misses bonding with her right now over what she wants to do, it won’t be long before she might be doing things he doesn’t want her to do.

So what is it that could make her vulnerable to unwise choices in just a year or two? It’s hungering for her dad’s attention, and if she doesn’t get it from him, she’ll go somewhere else to be seen, heard, and enjoyed.

Dad, I trust that this real life scenario serves to remind you to have fun with your daughter by enjoying what she enjoys. Even if you’re not a “Crayola Guy,” don’t lose sight of what your focus needs to be: your daughter, not the crayons.

Here’s your practical action step: Do one thing with your daughter this week just because she likes it. And as you see her light up and come alive, it’ll be win-win because you’ll be there to enjoy her while enjoying what she enjoys.

The Garrison of Comparison

I can’t believe how often I get nicked by “the garrison of comparison.” That’s what I’ve been calling it lately.

A garrison is “a body of troops stationed in a fortified place.”

This definition creates a picture in my mind of the people I compare myself to. When I was younger, it showed up in the form of sibling rivalry. Now it’s more about others who are succeeding in areas where I wish I was. The reality is that I see all of these people standing around me as a “body of troops” and I’m the one stuck in the middle, the one who ends up feeling immobilized and trapped, “stationed in a fortified place” when I size my life up next to theirs.

I often describe this kind of thinking as being in a hamster wheel, running fast, yet going nowhere.

I wish I didn’t do this or think like this. I wish I could stay in my lane without looking in my peripheral vision to see the “runner” next to me. Yet whether I’m looking at someone else’s successes or opportunities or at their body shape or martial status (this was significant before I was married), it too often catches me by surprise. And once it grabs hold, it doesn’t let go very easily.

As you hear me say these things, do any of my words remind you of things you’ve heard your daughter express?

If she hasn’t revealed them to you, I would venture a guess that she’s been garrisoned by the trap of comparison just like I have. And I imagine that it’s seeking a stranglehold on her, just like it has on me.

So what can you do to guide your daughter to avoid the comparison trap?

1. Ask her to share how or where or in what ways she compares herself to others.

2. Tell her what you see when you view her life---work ethic, commitment, endurance, generosity, strength of character, etc.---so she can replay your perspective to combat her critical thoughts.

Perhaps, like me, you’ve read II Corinthians 10:12 that says comparing and measuring ourselves to others not only isn’t wise, but it’s like “moving into someone else’s territory” (The Message Bible). That really is what it’s like when we don’t stay in our lane to run our own unique race that’s set before us.

I want to be free from comparison. I’m sure your daughter does too.

So I decided to take some action and created a visual diagram. [This is a practical exercise to do with your daughter].

I drew a circle with the word “me” in the center. Then I wrote the names of people in my life who I compare myself to all around that circle. There in black and white I had to admit that jealousy comes up for me even though I love these friends and celebrate their gifts and opportunities.

I noticed the negative feelings I had inside as I faced the harsh realities before me.

But then, by way of contrast, I drew a second picture. Again, I started with a circle and wrote “me” in the center, but this time I wrote the names of the Trinity (Father God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit) around me.

Immediately I felt calm inside. It was almost as if I was getting a hug from the Three of Them! I realized anew that when I look at my reflection in Their mirror, I’m at peace with who I am and where I am.

[If you or your daughter aren’t comfortable relating to God in this way, you could make your second picture such that all around your daughter are the names of those in your family and her life who unconditionally love her, independent of anything she does or doesn‘t do, and ask her to notice how she feels].

I trust that wherever your daughter is at, you will reinforce the truth that she is precious just the way she is. Whether her body is too this or too that, whether she has or has not, whether she’s got it or doesn’t, whether she’s up or she’s down, the most important things to reinforce are that:

• You love her fully just the way she is

• God has His hand on her life, even if she can’t feel it

• As she keeps looking to God for the truth of her identity, she’ll be happier and steadier in her own lane, being her authentic self

That’s the beautiful kind of “fortified place” that will bring her safety, security and peace.

Trick or Treat: A New Spin on Fathering

With Halloween being just two days away, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to weave this theme into my dad-daughter Friday blog. So here goes!

Dressing up for Halloween is something I’ve been doing since I was three or four. And because costumes were mostly homemade back then---in the 60’s and 70’s---I usually ended up as a Bohemian girl. Just picture me as the one with bright red lipstick and a black beauty mark penciled onto my cheek, wearing an outrageously huge skirt with a scarf covered in plastic coins on my head. It was actually the best repeat costume my mom could muster and one that took very little effort since it was worn year after year. We called that a win-win!

By contrast, my dad grew up with very little parental involvement, not just on Halloween, but on the other 364 days of the year as well. Living on the south side of Chicago as one of seven kids, he grew up with two primary, life-defining variables: extreme poverty and an alcoholic dad. Among other realities, those two themes resulted in him fending for himself much of the time, with very few memories of interacting with his father.

My dad has shared some of his Halloween memories with me, including those of costumes he created on his own. I love these stories because they show his creativity, ingenuity, and resourcefulness, ranging from him being a hobo with black charcoal spots under his eyes to that of being a box. Yes, you heard me right! As a boy, my dad went as a box for Halloween! He cut holes into a box that he got at the grocery store for his arms and legs, with one for his head, and then drew buttons on the front. Voila…he was a box!

I will admit that I laughed uproariously when he first told me that story. But then I honestly applauded him for his brilliant imagination as he rose to the occasion when he had no option but to create a costume all by himself.

As you just read in these accounts of two parallel generations at Halloween, both my dad and I made choices for our outfits based on the level of involvement by our parents. I imagine you’d say the same thing as you think back on what this day looked like for you as a child.

When it comes to the kind of fathers that each of us end up with, some of us get the “trick” version while others get the “treat.” Let me explain what I mean as I seek to add some of my own creativity to these holiday-themed words.

Here’s what a father looks like who “tricks” his daughter, followed by one who knows how to “treat” her well.

A dad who “tricks” his daughter will:

• Put his needs before hers on a regular basis

• Teach her by the way he interacts with her that women are “less than"

• Tease her for being emotional, leading her to put walls up as a protective shell

• Criticize her mom, leading her to believe that she’s going to turn out the same way

• Use her for his sexual pleasure and rob her of her innocence

• Contribute to the exploitation of women through his engagement with porn

• Make her never trust God as her Father because she can’t trust him as her earthly father

And now, let’s move on to the good news. Here are a few ways that a dad can positively “treat” his daughter so she internalizes his affirmative view of her:

A dad who “treats” his daughter well will:

• Tell her daily that he loves her and why he loves her

• Notice the things that have meaning to her and then share in them with her

• Provide for her needs

• Buy a special treat for no particular reason other than to reinforce her value

• Love her mom (and if divorced, only speak positive words or not say anything negative)

• Affirm her positive qualities

• Gently and lovingly set boundaries and limits as a way to teach her to respect herself and the world around her

• Listen twice as much as he talks, knowing that this will let her know she is worthy of being listened to

• Pursue her heart by actively spending time with her as a way to really know her

• Enjoy the uniqueness of her personality by laughing at what makes her laugh

• Have fun doing activities together that strengthen their bond, understanding that every one is another page in her “forever book"

• Build the bridge for her to trust, connect to, and feel positively about God as her Father because he’s been trustworthy, connectable, and invested as a dad

So Dad, it’s up to you to decide what kind of dad you are: One who tricks or one who treats your daughter.

I pray that today you’ll choose to be the best man in her life, one who treats her with dignity and value so she will always know and believe that she is both a treat and a treasure.

With that spin on this All Hallows Eve, I say, “bring on the treats!”

Sugar and Spice: The Secret to Fathering Two Very Different Kinds of Daughters

I had the most delightfully random encounter this past weekend. I met a woman whose vim and vigor were contagious and our interaction ended up inspiring me to look at relationships through a different lens.

Here’s the story. I was sitting at a table outside a grocery store in Central Oregon, soaking up the most delightful sunshine, when the smell of barbecue began to waft my way. Before I knew it I was in conversation with a local culinary expert who clearly expressed her enjoyment of awakening the palates of regulars and strangers alike.

Soon I discovered that Kelly (a.k.a. the “BBQ Queen” as her name tag aptly stated) has been barbecuing at this one place for 19 years! I can confidently say that I have never in my life met anyone who has been so passionately invested in and excited about barbecue…EVER. All I can say is that her enthusiasm definitely rubbed off on me!

That’s all it took for her to open up and divulge some of her tasty secrets. “The way to get the best barbecue is to have equal parts of brown sugar and vinegar. Most people get it wrong with too much of one or too much of the other. It’s got to be 50% sweet and 50% tangy. That’s all there is to it!”

And with that, she was off.

Silly as it may sound, I have been chewing on her words all week. But my thoughts haven’t been about spare ribs or tri-tip. They’ve been about fathers and daughters.

I wonder if the same principle for good barbecue could apply to personality types in girls.
I don’t quite know how it all breaks down, but I tend to think there’s an even 50-50 split between the “sweet” ones and the “tangy” ones.

Both are necessary to make our world function and thrive, and neither is better than the other. Just different. Complimentary opposites, I guess you could say.

This leads me to ask the question: Do fathers validate their “sweet” daughters as much as their “tangy” ones?

As a “tangy” daughter, I can tell you that I often wished I was sweeter and gentler, more mellow and less reactive, more go-with-the-flow and relaxed. But the reality is that I popped out like this. Lots of zest and panache (which is a fancy way of saying that I’m dramatic with lots of opinions)! Sometimes it’s been a good thing and sometimes it’s been a bit much…both for me and for my dad.

All of this pondering about girls and individual temperaments brings to mind a nursery rhyme I heard a lot growing up in the 60’s:

Sugar and spice and everything nice,
that’s what little girls are made of.
Snips and snails and puppy dog tales,
that’s what little boys are made of.

Though at the time this little jingle seemed cute and harmless, I realize now that it subtly planted seeds about what it meant to be a “nice little girl.” Add in the fact that positive responses from the general public seem to cater more to the “sugary” types than to those with a bit more “spice,” and I can say that it left me often not knowing how to understand myself, let alone like myself.

So if we use the barbecue theory as a working template on fathering daughters, it means that 50% of you are raising “sweet” girls while the other 50% are rearing “tangy” ones. And because your daughters see themselves in the reflection of you as their mirror, it is vitally important that you let each of them know that both sugar and spice are what balances out life and makes the world go round.

Dad, your daughter will believe what you tell her about herself (and what you imply without words). If you have a “sweet” daughter, you most likely find her easy to lead, and enjoy her delightful qualities. That’s all well and good. It’s beautiful and wonderful.

But especially for those of you who father a more “spicy” daughter, make sure to validate and encourage her uniqueness, one with zip and pizzazz, letting her know that she truly does distinctively enhance the atmosphere around her (even if at times she pushes every button in you and may be a lot to understand).

Let your daughter know that there are famous complimentary opposites everywhere you look. Help her understand that both have a place in the universe and both have equal value:

salt and pepper
sun and moon
fear and courage
cookies and milk

Dad, why not use all of this data as inspiration to intentionally speak positive, affirming words into your “sweet” and your “tangy” daughters today.

Let each of them know that her unique combination of savory flavors enhances your life in ways that make her one-of-a-kind mixture “taste” just the you love. Text her right now and tell her. I guarantee it’ll be the best message she hears all day!

Your Words Wear Me Out

Dad, have you ever thought or said these five words to your daughter: “Your words wear me out?” If so, you’re not alone.

Truth be told, I’ve had more dads than I can count tell me they often are glassy-eyed as their daughters (especially adolescent girls) talk so fast and furious that it’s like they’re standing there looking into a vast abyss of words. They admit to me that this is when their minds go blank and they can’t think of what to say next because they took a detour from the conversation a few exits back!

Case in point: Just this week a dad told me that he literally had no idea what his teenage daughter was talking about as he sat there and tried to keep up. My heart went out to him as I validated that his experience was normal. I then encouraged him not to walk away, ignore her, or shut her out because in doing so he shuts her down.

Girls take those types of non-verbal cues and not only interpret them as rejection, but assume that something is inherently wrong with who they are because they couldn’t keep dad interested in what they were saying.

With that backdrop, I think you’ll enjoy hearing the backstory to the title of this blog.

I’ll never forget the Monday night when my dad and I were having dinner at Costco. As he took a bite of his pepperoni pizza, out of his mouth popped this unexpected revelation:

“To be honest, Michelle, a lot of the time your words wear me out.
 I just can’t listen to you as much as you want me to because of
 there being so many words. Half the time you lose me.” 

I’m not gonna lie, I was shocked. I didn’t even know what to say at first because my dad had never told me this before and it kind of smacked me upside the head. But on the other hand, I was thankful he was being honest with me. I love real conversations that sit in the center of authentic relationships, even when they’re challenging and hard.

So what do you do if, like my dad, you have a daughter who has the “gift of gab” where her words really do exhaust you? 

Here are a few pointers that might help you to go the distance with your verbose daughter:

1. Hold on to the words of my friend, Joe Kelly (a.k.a. The Dad Man), who says that “a girl’s voice may be the most valuable and most threatened resource she has,” which means that as you respect and honor her voice, you teach her that what she has to say has merit.

2. Remember that we as girls tend to figure things out by talking, so you are giving her a profound gift just by actively listening as she hears herself process everything out loud.

3. Rest assured that your idea of what it means to have too many words and her idea of too many words are two different things, and as the adult it’s your job to pace with her----not the other way around.

4. Make sure that your own inner dialogue centers around gratitude that she’s talking with you because it sets a solid foundation for her to be open and transparent with you that will last for years to come. 

5. Don’t shame her or try to change her by criticizing her “mastery of language.”

6. Remind yourself that God creates and loves both introverts and extroverts and He has wired her this way for a purpose.

7. Turn your exhaustion and/or frustration into a prayer for her future, asking God to give her opportunities to use her giftedness with words to speak life and love into those around her.

8. Find creative ways to support her love for language by encouraging her to:

• join the debate class at school

• job shadow someone at a local television or radio station where she will get a front row seat to seeing life as an anchor, reporter, or host

• write something for the local newspaper or a national organization

• submit an article for an online magazine or digital forum

• start blogging or creating video content using her own thoughts, observations, questions, and convictions as she finds her unique voice

• begin taking steps to pursue writing a book on a topic she’s passionate about

• volunteer at an elder care facility where older folks who are lonely would cherish time with a talkative young girl while giving her their full attention as they enjoy her company

9. Be willing to do your own work by challenging yourself to track with her words as you ask questions to draw her out so she knows that the things that matter to her matter to you.

Dad, decide right now to give the gift of validation by celebrating every word that comes out of your talkative daughter’s mouth, reminding yourself that your listening ear communicates loudly and directly to her that she is worthy. 

How about letting her know today that her words don’t wear you out by staying for the entire conversation and actively listening. Then, cherish the fact that your daughter has a voice and is learning to use it wisely as she practices expressing it with you.

Summing up: When empowered women use their voices while simultaneously having dads who celebrate them by listening, they receive a double blessing. 

How to Damage Your Daughter In One Easy Step

As you can imagine, when men hear that I specialize in the dad-daughter relationship, I often experience one of two things:

1. I’m asked challenging questions that come from deep places of confusion, hurt and/or frustration with his daughter…or….

2. Proud fathers pull out their phones and show me heartwarming pictures of their girls (especially when looking at pics from when they were or are under the age of 10)

I’ll always remember the time I met a young dad who enthusiastically told me about his adorable 2½-year old daughter. His face lit up as he shared about his little treasure, one who clearly holds the key to his heart.

When he found out that I’ve written books on this very subject, he leaned in and very intentionally asked, “In 20 seconds what advice can you give me as a dad to a daughter?”

I didn’t hesitate for a moment.

“Make sure to always drop your anger and/or any emotions or expressions that communicate negativity towards her with your body language or tone of voice.”

I continued. “Anger is the number one way to hurt your daughter’s heart. So even when she pushes your buttons as she gets older, make a commitment not to respond in anger or frustration or disgust as a way to assert your power because it is the most effective way to destroy her and close her spirit.”

Though my 20 seconds were up, he was still listening. So I kept going.

“There are a couple of places in the Bible that say that it’s all about you as a dad being the first one to turn your HEART, not just your head, towards your daughter, especially if you want her to turn her heart towards you. In fact, God says that if the hearts of fathers don’t turn towards their children, He will come and strike the land with a curse. Pretty intense, eh?”

After our short conversation I walked away and thought that perhaps my strong response was too negative. I wondered if it would have been better to have told him what to do instead of what not to do.

But on second thought, I recalled the numerous men I’ve spoken with over the last decade who have been way more interested in knowing how not to mess up as a dad with their daughters. I know you’re like those guys or you wouldn’t be reading my blog! And I also believe that you want to do it right and get it right and say it right.

Before we go any further, let me define my terms. By “anger responses or negative emotion/expressions” I am referring to the rolling of your eyes, gasping, intense/stern facial expressions, raising your voice, yelling, swearing, name-calling, throwing things, hitting (people or inanimate objects), inappropriate gestures, frowning, failure to make eye contact, lack of attentiveness, indifference….you get the gist!

Because your daughter longs for your approval, when you respond aggressively or negatively towards her, she’ll distance herself from you so she doesn’t feel like she’s a big disappointment to you.

That said, here are five main ways that a dad’s anger or negative emotions/expressions impact his daughter in one easy step:

• Your anger destroys her spirit

• Your anger shuts her down

• Your anger crushes the core of who she is

• Your anger causes her to give up

• Your anger makes her believe she unloveable and unworthy and not worth loving

My belief is that every one of you dads want the opposite of these five things when it comes to fathering your daughter.

You want her to stay open in her spirit and live strong from her core. You want her be all of who she is created to be while living from a deep knowledge that she is loved and worthy of being loved with the ultimate expression being that she is able to share her love with the world.

With that in mind, here’s the bottom line for you, dad: The only way your daughter will achieve this goal is for you to stay the course consistently, daily.

• Instruct her without anger (or negative responses)

• Discipline her without anger

• Dialogue with her without anger

• Disagree with her without anger

• Lead her without anger

Choose today to set a new course by determining that when you’re triggered you will walk away and get your feet back on the ground before responding. Of course you are human, so when you’ve hurt her, humble yourself and make amends. Ask forgiveness (this is a heart healing, heart restorative move).

Make a covenant with your mouth (and your face) not to vent anger at your daughter from this day forward. But if you do, make it right as soon as possible while building her up with loving words.

That, my friend, is how you can strengthen the core of your daughter’s being in one easy step!

Dads: Six Essential Love “Do’s and Don’ts” for Your Daughter (Guest blog by Dr. Meg Meeker)

Dr. Meg Meeker and I have become friends over the years as we share a similar passion for equipping fathers of daughters to dial into their heart space. I believe her words will inspire you to be better dads by hearing her insights into your daughter’s unique needs. ~ Michelle

Men love differently than women. That’s why you scratch your head in confusion when your daughter or wife cries and insists that you don’t understand. They want you to know what they want, like, and need, without ever telling you. You, on the other hand, love deeply but differently.

Attention and Adoration

As you work on your relationship with your daughter, you must remember that different things will make her feel loved than what make you feel loved. 

First, she feels loved when you pay attention to her. When she comes home from a soccer game and you ask if she wants to go have ice cream because you want to hear all about the game, she feels loved. When she goes on a date and comes home at midnight, she feels loved if you are waiting up for her. Sure, you can ask her how her time was, but the mere fact that you cared enough to make sure she got home safely makes her feel deeply loved.

Women, like men, want to feel that someone in their lives adores them. Adoration is the sense that you can do no wrong. Why should you communicate this to your daughter when she, of course, makes mistakes? Because she needs it from you. Because she needs it from you, your daughter has a space in her heart that is designed for you alone. No one else can occupy that spot.

When you express your adoration to her, she realizes that you have a spot in your heart just for her. A father who adores his daughter holds her in high esteem, wants only the best for her, and feels that no one in the world compares with her. She is more beautiful, kinder, and stronger than all women (or girls) her age. Every daughter wants her father to feel this way about her. And she wants her father to express this to her.

Our culture ties girls in knots, and your daughter is no exception. Not matter how hard you try to isolate her from the ugly influences of a world that sexualizes and degrades women, you can’t. And since you are the primary means by which she develops a healthy sense of beauty and sexuality, when it comes to shaping these in her, it’s on your shoulders. When it comes to loving your daughter, remember these important ideas:

1. Do tell her that you love her. Tell her as frequently as feels natural to you. Sometimes you may feel timid, but press through the discomfort. Every daughter need to hear I love you, from her dad.

2. Do express adoration. Let her know that she is the apple of your eye. If you have multiple daughters, tell each one of them at different times.

3. Do believe in her. If the two of you don’t get along well and fight constantly, you can still show her than you believe in her. Examine her character and find what is good in her. Look deeply into her life and find her natural gifts. Then, communicate to her that you are her “number one fan.” Tell her that you know she can succeed. You know that she is smarter than she thinks, wiser than she believes, and far more capable than she realizes. Communicating this is extremely important because most girls, particularly during the teen years, feel terribly inadequate, dumb, and unattractive. You need to really amp up your positive comments during the tough times and help her combat these feelings.

4. Don’t remark on her weight – EVER. No pet names for parts of her body, no calling her “sexy”, and no telling her that she is chubby or that she could stand to lose a few pounds. No matter what you say about her weight, she will her in her mind, My dad thinks I’m fat; therefore I am ugly. Since you can’t win, avoid this. I can’t tell you the number of messes that I’ve been involved in undoing with daughters whose fathers have innocently commented about their weight as they grow up.

5. Don’t remark on her looks very often. I know that this feels counterintuitive. Shouldn’t every girl know that her dad thinks she is beautiful? Of course; but don’t overdo it. You don’t want her to feel like appearance is a priority to you. Remember, when you comment on something, it lets the hearer know that the topic is significant to you (otherwise why would you comment on it?). You want to be sure that your daughter knows that what you really cherish about her is her inner beauty. So talk about that.

6. Don’t spare words of encouragement or affection. Girls use more works, and they bond through words. Girls feel that words connect them with others. So tell you daughter what you admire about her and tell her why. I promise that if you are sincere, your words will change the woman that she becomes.

Dad, I know this is a lot of information to take in, so how about taking one item from this list and then commit to putting it into action this week now that you know what to DO to put your love for your daughter into action!

Pediatrician, mother, and best-selling author of six books, Dr. Meg Meeker is one of the country’s leading authority on parenting, teens, and children’s health. She has written a phenomenal classic that every dad of a daughter must read, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, as well as Hero, which is a powerful affirmation of fatherhood that shows men how being a strong, active father can be their greatest triumph. Copyright ©Dr. Meg Meeker. Used by permission.

Dad, Don't "Should" On Your Daughter

By now, dad, you know that I love giving you what I call, “insider Venusian trade secrets” so that you are more equipped to decode your daughters. Today I’m adding another tool to your fathering toolbox to support that goal. 

I don’t know what it is about the word “should” that makes it a negative, power-packed word on my planet of Venus, but I’m telling you that I literally hear this word all the time. And it ain’t good!

Here are some examples of things I’ve heard from women just this week (for real!): 

• I don’t know what’s wrong with me…I should be grateful for all the good things happening in my life, but I’m just so depressed.

• All my friends are doing things right-like saving money, moving towards marriage, buying a house, having babies, and on it goes. When I see all that’s going right for them, it makes me think of what I’m not doing and all the things I should have been doing long before now. I’m way behind where I want to be and won’t ever catch up.

• When I get around my friends, I constantly compare myself to them and think that I should be more like them. But the truth is that I feel like a fraud. I don’t fit in because they’re all prettier, richer, and more accomplished than me.

• I should be getting up earlier and spending more time with God, but I never get that right either.

• I’m so stressed right now and feel so much pressure constantly to make everyone happy and it seems that someone is always disappointed in me or mad at me. I know I should be doing more, but I can barely keep my head above water as it Is and hardly have any time for myself.

Dad, let me ask you: Does your heart break like mine as you hear these collective voices of self-condemnation that are doused with a thick dose of unrealistic expectations, smothered by the constant pressure to measure up? 

For me, as I worked my way down this list, I noticed a mounting heaviness, even some sadness, as each self-deprecating sentence unfolded. Every one of these women feels like she’s not doing enough or being enough while seeing herself as falling short when she compares herself to those around her. It all amounts to: SHE’s not enough.

In fact, it’s this comparison game that is destroying her self confidence, her happiness, her inner peace, her joy, her optimism, her perspective, her energy…and on it goes. 

I’m guessing you’ve heard similar messages from your daughters.

Here’s what I say time and again to women when I hear these words: “Don’t ‘should’ on yourself.”

As you can imagine, initially there’s an awkward laugh because she thinks I meant to say a different word…and that’s part of my strategy for lightening the atmosphere in the room, even if just for a minute. When a woman starts down the dreaded “should” path, my desire is to guide her to see what it’s doing to her. And I’ve discovered that most women don’t even know they’ve said these words until I’ve pointed them out!

Here’s the best part: I notice that a positive shift begins to happen when a woman clearly sees the amount of undue pressure she’s putting on herself. 

Now that you’re more informed about the mental struggles that tend to barrage us as Venusians, I want to point out that even though you don’t intend to add more pressure when addressing things that need changing, the reality is that your daughter is often weighed down by your “should” messages. 

What she hears is that she’s a failure and a disappointment to you. And since she already believes that about herself much of the time anyway, it’s oftentimes more than she can bear. 

And yes, her attitudes and behaviors are things that need correcting and shaping at various times and in certain situations…BUT REMEMBER:

1. It’s all about timing. Wait until you…and she…are in a good emotional space where you are able to convey your message well, which increases the chances that it will be received positively by her. Otherwise, it’s a recipe for disaster.

2. It’s all about noticing. Before speaking, take the time to listen and find out if there’s something deeper going on that may be causing her to be sour or unpleasant. If she’s already had a bad day, decide that now isn’t the time to “should” on her. Come back and talk to her later if you want to reach her heart. And you’ll see that it’s always a win when you speak to her heart – the deeper part – before speaking to her behavior or attitude.

3. It’s all about validating. Make it your goal to hear her side of the story while seeking to understand why things went down the way they did. Wait to give feedback until she’s open, and with this slight course correction in WHEN you respond, HOW you respond, and WHAT you say when you respond, you will increase the likelihood of a successful interaction.

If you’re a dad who doesn’t want to “should” on your daughter, decide today to omit the word “should” from your vocabulary. Instead, find other words to make statements, ask questions, or nudge her to action.

Try it out and let me know how it goes. Better said, I really think you should try this and then let me know how it goes!  :o)

25 Things To ALWAYS, AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE Say To Your Daughter

My last blog two weeks ago may have felt a bit brutal with me giving you 25 things to never, ever, under any circumstances say to your daughter. 

I couldn’t leave you hanging without a guide to lead you back to center court. So, in a similar fashion that uses as few words as possible and is straight forward and to the point, here are 25 things to always, under all circumstances, and as much as possible say to your daughter if you want to be a dialed-in dad.

Here’s a list of what TO say to your daughter:

• What did I ever do to deserve such an incredible daughter like you?!

• Do you know how grateful I am to be your dad?!

• You look so beautiful today

• You get prettier with each passing year

• You’re right, I don’t understand you right now but I want to understand. Can you help me understand?

• I’ll be here for you no matter what. Any time, day or night, I will do my best to be available. You can text or call me when I’m at work or out of town and I’ll figure out a way to respond as soon as I can

• I want you to know that I enjoy you

• You are going to make a great wife and mother some day (if you choose that)

• I’ve seen so much growth in you (list specifics)

• Tell me what you’re learning in school (or work)…I’d love to hear

• What was good about your day today?

• What was hard about your day today?

• God broke the mold when He made you! You are one of a kind!

• You are completely unique and gifted (list specifics)

• I love you just the way you are

• You could never disappointment me no matter what you do or don’t do because I love you unconditionally

• What a treasure you are. Any guy who gets to date you (or eventually marry you) is a very lucky man

• In my eyes, you are the best of the best

• I am so proud of you

• I like who you are

• I love you

• You are amazing!

• I look forward to our dates where we get to spend time together, you and me

• I’m sorry…will you forgive me?

• I want you to know that no matter what, I will always be your main man.

In order to really dial in to your daughter’s heart space it’s going to require hard work and intention. And we all know that nothing worthwhile and valuable is ever easy. Hard work is required in business and this is all about bringing your best work ethic home.

Remember that your view of her, the one that is communicated from your mouth to her ears, is paramount to the view she carries now and will carry about herself throughout her life. 

I encourage you today to carry this list in your pocket or on your phone and then choose to say one of these things daily to your daughter over the course of the next month. 

Watch what happens in her as a result. Write and tell me about what takes place in her…and in you. 

(You can reach me at michelle@theabbaproject.com)