What Makes a Grown Man Cry

I wish you could sit where I sit and see what I see when I’m among a group of dads of daughters. There is tender, fierce strength that I witness time and again as I interact with fathers whose hearts are turned and activated.

You see, when it comes to fathers of daughters, there is a sacred space inside every dad’s heart that is uniquely impacted by his relationship with his girl.

I never take it for granted that I have the privilege of being invited into the inner circle of men in The Abba Project or when I travel the country speaking at men’s conferences. I love hearing your stories. I am grateful to be trusted with your fears. At other times I witness your tears (even if you say they’re “just allergies!”).  
I don’t assume that men typically think of their tear ducts as being tied to their greatest inner strength. But I believe they are.

Here’s the truth about tears:

• They come from the most alive place inside each of us

• They are connected to the deepest spaces in our heart

• They let us know that we care in substantial, significant ways

• They move us emotionally, spiritually, and relationally

• They awaken us to greater awareness

• They reveal that we’re linked to people and causes that profoundly matter

In an article titled, “Why Do We Cry? The Science of Tears,” Dr. Nick Knight describes three kinds of tears that are naturally created by our bodies:

1. Basal tears or “worker” tears that keep our eyes lubricated,

2. Reflex tears that help us wash out irritants, and

3. Psychic tears or ‘crying’ tears that correspond to strong emotions, ranging from pleasure on

   the positive end to stress, anger, sadness, suffering, and even physical pain on the negative

   end.

If I may be so bold, I would like to add my own fourth category.

4. Authentic or ‘heart’ tears that are expressed in direct proportion to the quality of a connected

relationship that evokes this emotional response.

Stated otherwise, heart tears communicate the reality of what we carry most deeply within us, whether conscious or unconscious, in direct correlation to those we love and that which we love.

I guess you could say that tears are a gift because they reveal the truth of what is really going on inside of us.

What makes a grown man cry?

From years of observation, specifically in relation to dads of daughters, I’d say it’s when:

• Something or someone profoundly touches his heart

• His heart is broken over her life choices, past and present

• His heart aches over regrets in his parenting, past and present

• He longs for a better and closer relationship with his daughter, even if his tears stay inside himself

• He feels emotionally connected to her, especially when he tells her what he’s feeling or thinking about her

Summing up, a good man cries when his heart tells the story through his eyes.

You have to believe me when I say that most of us as daughters feel our father’s love when you are moved to tears when talking about how proud you are of us, when you tell us how much you love us, and when you express your affirmation of the gifts you see in us.

When you “wear your emotions on your sleeve,” it can make your words significantly more believable and impactful (even if might feel uncomfortable while it’s happening).

And even if you’re not one given to tears, just remember that some people (like me) believe that it takes bravery for any of us to cry. Why? Because it takes courage to be seen as vulnerable and tender, and typically we won’t risk displaying raw emotion unless we feel safe and really feel something in the depths of our heart.

So Dad, why not give yourself permission today to let your daughter know how you really feel about her when she looks in your eyes and sees your eyes leak a little while you communicate love in ways deeper than your words.

TRUTH OR DARE: 3 Questions You Might Be Too Afraid To Ask Your Daughter…But Should

I’ve heard it said that men do best when they’re challenged. \

And not just challenged to do something possible, but something BIGGER and HARDER than they could ever imagine doing. 

Case in point: I watched a documentary where men voluntarily attended a week of grueling military boot camp while paying large sums of money to be pushed past their limits. When asked why they did it, their collective responses were always the same: “to prove that we could.”

I had a question come to mind as I witnessed willing and able-bodied men go the distance physically despite harsh conditions that sapped them of their last ounce of energy: Are these guys equally responsive to opportunities to prove they can push past their limits with something potentially more important, that of enthusiastically pursuing and engaging their daughter’s hearts on a daily basis? 

I understand that it’s often confusing, exhausting, and downright frustrating to figure her out as she matures (hence my reason for talking about this as a challenge that pushes you beyond your limits…a lot!). Yet she needs you to hang in there as a fully engaged father throughout her entire lifespan, especially when she’s confusing, exhausting, and downright frustrating. 

So right here, right now, I’m counting on the fact that you as a dad, with this specific challenge, will rise to the occasion---or keep rising to the occasion---to prove your commitment to fatherhood. In response, I offer you both a truth and a dare.

Truth:

Commendable men take the initiative to invest in their kids, accepting challenges even when it means sacrificing their own comfort, needs, and personal agenda.

Dare:

Take your daughter on a date (a scheduled time where just the two of you can talk freely and openly while you invest in her with your time, money, energy, and focus) and ask her three of the most important questions you could ever ask her.

But first you must let her know that you won’t get angry or be hurt (at least in a way that is outwardly expressed to her) in response to what she tells you. Assure her that you want her honest feedback so you can be the best dad you can be to her.

One other thing. If your daughter (or son, should you choose to do this with him too) does better expressing her thoughts and feelings in writing, she may prefer to write her responses to you. Then after reading it, make sure that you talk about it with her on your date. Having the conversation in person may be hard for one or both of you, but it’s really powerful when you add your voice to the mix so she can hear your heart.

Dad, if you’re willing to accept the challenge, then here goes. Here are three questions to ask your daughter…if you dare:

So there it is----three of the most important questions you might ever ask your daughter. 

Prove to yourself today that you are a proactive dad who initiates by starting the daring conversations with your daughter. It can all start by courageously challenging yourself to ask three simple questions.

On your mark, get set…ask!

What Does it Mean to Lead Your Daughter Spiritually In This Intense Season?

If you were to sit with me in my counseling office or overhear conversations I’m having during this Covid-19 season, you would be privy to heavy conversations that are bulging with spiritual questions often wrapped in the word, “Why?”

• Why would God deliver a death blow to the entire world? 

• If God has all power, why is He allowing this to continue even though people are praying for healing?

• Why doesn’t God stop the madness so people aren’t terrified or contemplating suicide because of it being too much?

• If God is love, why is He letting so many good people die?

Clearly, there are no easy answers to these complex questions. Yet I submit this to you as dads: 

Instead of believing that you need to have all the answers, use your daughter’s questions as a starting point for conversations that invite her to open up with the freedom to simply ask them. Then sit together in the mystery of your unanswered questions while bonding through the process. 

Dad, I realize that I may be treading on sacred ground here as I provide suggestions about what I believe it means to be a spiritual influence in your daughter’s life. Please understand that I am approaching this subject with the greatest reverence.  

I am not seeking to dictate or dominate because I realize that spiritual beliefs and practices are a very personal thing.  

But I would like to propose some ideas of what I believe it means to spiritually lead your daughter, specifically during this pandemic season where the hard, legitimate questions are being asked. Teach her that process is messy, but that it can lead us to dig deeper while talking things out. Your daughter needs to know that it’s okay to doubt, to express, and to feel her feelings, which may include getting angry at God and questioning Him, all the while learning to tolerate her discomfort. 

My suggestions here are not only based on my experience personally and professionally, but also from first hand information I’ve received from girls and young women over the past four decades who have shared their hearts with me about what they would like to experience from their dads with regards to spiritual leadership.

Here are some practical things that you can start doing today in order to engage your daughter spiritually:

• Let her see you engaging in your own spiritual practices. Because more is caught than taught.  

• Pray with her about things going on in her life, which means that you’re asking her questions about her life, boys, school, work, commitments, friends, activities, etc.
  (I know that dads often are intimated by the idea of praying, especially out loud. Truth: you don’t have to be perfect at it. Let your daughter see you try, even if it’s awkward. It’s okay to say just three sentences in prayer…your daughter will be impacted by you praying over her and with her because it’s your heart that matters).

• Reveal your own questions about spiritual things. Let her know you have questions about God, the Bible, theology, church practices, etc. while demonstrating that asking questions is normal and healthy. Find answers to her questions and make it fun to search for answers with her and on your own. Make it a creative process to find answers. Then report back on what you find.

• Write out a prayer for her in a note, through a text, or an email.

• Open up about what you’re learning from the Bible…or a book or study (not in a way that preaches at her or has hidden statements to convict her. This is about you sharing what you are personally gleaning spiritually in your own life. Be vulnerable and honest).

• Share how God is convicting you.  This one may be harder to open up about and one where discretion obviously is warranted, but if you let your daughter know how God is speaking to you, followed with modeling the fact that you are listening and responding, this will go farther than any lecture you can ever give her.

• Tell her what God is doing in your life. Talk about answers to your prayers.

• Ask her what she believes.  Listen, learn, and no lectures. Ask questions to draw her out without necessarily sharing your beliefs at first because if this is new for you to dialogue about spiritual things, it may take awhile for her to open up honestly. Wisely choose your words without lecturing. Take an interest in her beliefs and look through her eyes.  Seek to understand her.

• Go to a Christian/spiritual concert with her by one of her favorite artists. Right now this will need to be done online since we’re all quarantined, but the upside is that you’ll save money on concert tickets while sharing in a remote experience with her!

• Attend her church with her or invite her to yours. Again, with most churches currently offering some kind of online experience, you can now do this from the comfort of your own home. Then talk about the sermon afterwards.

• Sing worship/spiritual songs with her and listen to the lyrics that touch her spirit.  

• Ask her to share about a spiritually significant time in her life. Then share one of yours.

• Buy her a book on a spiritual theme. Read it with her. Share what you both learn.

Investing in your daughter’s heart spiritually is a key part of being a dad who leads. And though the majority of men I speak with would disqualify themselves from spiritual leadership for one reason or another, I implore you to be a dad who goes against the norm as a statistic-breaker by being a father who intentionally invests in this way.

Think of it as taking the initiative to lead her spiritually in the same way you approach sports. As you step up to the plate with the bases loaded (a.k.a. there’s a lot of pressure on you), it’s your turn at bat. If you put your whole body into it and swing hard, the rest will take care of itself. You just have to push past your fear and do it.

Your confidence will build as you see the positive impact in your daughter’s life…and yours. Choose to proactively embrace all that is being stirred up right now so that your spiritual leadership muscles have an opportunity to grow and strengthen. 

Start today by choosing one action item from the list above and the rest will fall into place. 

There really is no better time that the present to begin to lead spiritually so your daughter will always remember that this was a season where you both went deeper…together. 

(If you would like a free pdf of this blog titled “The Baker’s Dozen for Leading Your Daughter Spiritually” just click here)

One REALLY CREATIVE WAY to Connect With Your Daughter During the Corona Crisis

A friend of mine sent me a video of a dad and his four-year old daughter creating their own musical montage to Taylor Swift's hit song, ‘Shake it Off.’ The title above the video read: “She Left Her Husband and Daughter Home Alone. What They Did? Prepare to Smile.”  

The blurb says that while some dads park their kids in front of the television so they can relax, this dad did the opposite. He brought out props and costumes and created something magical with his little girl that she most likely will never forget. It didn’t cost money but it cost him time and energy. 

The write-up ended by saying that this dad did all of this “with so much palpable joy that it's impossible not to smile. This little girl's lucky to have such a fun, loving dad.”

I have no doubt this video went viral. Why? Because every woman who sees it will share it with all of her friends and every smile will come from projecting herself onto the screen. 

Let me say it another way: Every daughter wants a relationship with her dad like this little girl has with her daddy: connected, fun, interactive, engaging, sweet, and loving.

And lest we think that dads aren’t equally impacted by this video, I happened to mention it to a former Abba Project dad named Mike and he had actually watched it earlier in the day. I asked why he watched it and without hesitation he said,

“I wanted to see the connection because I’m so conscious now of connecting to a daughter’s heart.” 

There it is:

Connection. Daughter. Heart. 

Mike went on to say, “Why am I not more proactive than reactive? I want more do-overs with my kids.  I want to be more present.”

Dad, I encourage you to take Mike’s words and turn them to action. Live as if today was your do-over. Find ways to be more present, more proactive, and more engaged with your daughter.

In this time of quarantine where we’re confined to our homes, there’s no better time to make a music video with your daughter. 

Ham it up. 

Be creative. 

Get out old clothes and use them as props. 

Let her pick the song. 

Be willing to make a fool of yourself. 

All to create a lasting memory. 

Then post your video on social media with the hashtag #daddaughterduo.

To be a connected dad, it’s going to take work. But like any worthwhile project, the harder the work, the greater the value. And the harder the work, the greater the reward.

Just remember: The most important part in all of this is turning your heart (not just your head) toward your daughter. And because it’s not about being perfect, but about being present, let the videos begin as your creativity and laughter pave the way for more magical, bonding moments with your girl.  

"I Want More of My Dad"

I’m at the age where attending funerals is becoming more commonplace. And truly, there’s nothing like an end of life celebration to bring everything into perspective. 

Awhile back I attended a funeral for a dear friend’s husband. There was hardly a dry eye in the place as one of her sons shared story after story about what his dad had meant to him. While choking back tears, he invited us all to dig deeper as he said, “I think everyone in here could say, ‘I want more of my dad.’” 

His words hung in the air. I was profoundly touched by his statement, so much so that I grabbed a pen and quickly wrote down his words so that I’d be sure to remember them. He ended by saying that he was one of the lucky ones to have had an invested dad. 

I agree with him completely. 

As I reflect back on the years of interacting with girls and young women, a general consistent theme I hear from them can be simply stated as this: “I want more of my dad.” 

Stated otherwise, I’ve never heard even one of them say that she had “too much” of her dad---too much time, too much attention, too much love, too much affirmation, too much laughter, too much talking, too much interacting, too much connecting, too much validating, too much vacationing, too much volunteering together...you get the point.

And if that story isn’t enough to touch the deepest places inside you, here’s another. 

A couple of years ago I had the privilege of hearing Eva Schloss speak at Willamette University in Salem, Oregon. She is the stepsister of Anne Frank, and along with her brother and parents, they were taken as prisoners to the Nazi death camps of Auschwitz and Birkenau during World War II. 

I was deeply moved by one particular story that she shared of miraculously reconnecting with her father after he had been granted permission to come and find her. Since they were in two adjacent camps, he had no idea that she was severely depressed, had been crying much of the time, and had just resigned herself to death. Yet upon seeing him she said that she felt revived. 

In her own words, Eva describes their reunion:

“His eyes were full of an immense love for me. I threw myself into his arms and felt his warmth and strength flow into me and pull me back to life. I sobbed uncontrollably while he held me close to him as if he would never let me go. He must have felt as happy as I did, to have his little daughter in his arms once more.

He told me to be brave and not to give up…We exchanged looks of such yearning and love that I still see his face like this in my dreams.”

Eva and her mother barely made it out of the war alive. Her brother and father did not.

Yet here she is now, at 90 years old, and it’s evident that her dad’s love is still with her---a love that carried her through severe suffering, starvation, torture, assault, resettlement, and later, re-engagement with life. (see picture below)

As we reflect on these stories of fathers who made forever deposits into their children’s lives, I trust they will inspire you to think long term, past the time when this current corona pandemic is over. You don’t want to look back with regret and wish you’d given more of yourself while working from home or traveling less despite the challenges that accompany an inconsistent schedule. By investing intentionally every day, your daughter will internalize your love and support just like Eva experienced with her dad that carried her through the most horrific season of her life.  

Dad, I share these stories with you today in the hope that your heart will be stirred. And not just stirred to experience emotion, but stirred to action. After all, it was God who said that the hearts of fathers are what need to turn toward their children, not their heads (Malachi 4:6). 

What would it look like for you to give more of your heart to your daughter today? 

• Perhaps it would be asking her what she’d like to do with you for one uninterrupted hour while you take time out of workday to spend time just with her.

• Or you could invite her to join you in a work project where you teach her something new---like how to repair the car or paint a room or serve your neighbors by mowing their lawn.

• Maybe you could sit on the floor in her room while you watch funny videos online or a movie she loves while laughing together.

• Or you could write her a love letter and mail it to her so she has something to read and re-read for years to come. 

All this to say, make today a day where your daughter enthusiastically and confidently shouts to you and the whole world, “I did have enough of my Dad today!”

Your Daughter Needs You to Hold Her Safe in the Storm

Hey Dad...If you’re like most fathers, you’re ready for a reprieve from the social distancing-coronavirus outbreak quarantine season. And because we’re all emotionally taxed, we find ourselves longing for the day when our routines and rhythms will be re-established.

I want to encourage you today to stay focused on your goal of dialing in to your daughter’s heart with intention, patience, love, and grace through the entirety of this pandemic. Keep your eyes fixed on the bigger picture, which is to invest in ways that yield lasting dividends with a long-term return (which is a fancy way of saying that you can use this time to create forever memories where you bond more and grow closer during this crisis).

That said, here’s a story that I believe will inspire you anew today. 

If it’s true that a picture is worth a thousand words, then this one is valued at a million.

When I first saw this photo on Facebook, it immediately melted my heart. There’s just something about seeing a daddy protecting his little girl that has a way of reaching in and touching the deepest place in all of us.

I think for those of us who are daughters, we project ourselves into this photo and wish we were the one being held safely in the arms of a dad like this. Even when we’re all grown up.

And if this picture itself isn’t enough, here’s what mom Sarah included as her tagline alongside it:

We got caught in a huge thunderstorm and flash flood warnings alerted on our phones. Addie was the only kiddo not covered in the stroller, but she loved getting drenched. She keeps talking about it to Tom, "We were in the rain together and you held me." #nycsummer #dctrip

Oh my. Have there ever been more profound words spoken by a three-year old? 

"Dad, we were in the rain together and you held me."

The storm itself didn’t scare her.

Being unprepared for the crazy weather conditions didn’t prove to be too much for her.

Even standing on the unpredictable streets of our nation’s capital didn’t overwhelm her.

Why? Because her daddy held her. In the rain. Through the storm. 

Dad, I know how much you loved the days when you held your baby girl tight as she was scared. You still tear up when you recall how she’d come running to you with her arms outstretched and wanted only you to comfort her. As you reached down to pick her up you felt like your heart would burst with love as you held her close. Back then you would tell her that everything would be all right because you were there. 

But then she grew up and didn’t seem to need you as much. And it left you feeling a bit lost. You wondered how were you going to save the day if she found her own umbrella and no longer came running to you when her skies snapped, crackled, and popped. 

It was then that you packed up your superhero cape. But along with that a part of you shriveled up. You assumed that now that you weren’t being called to active duty in the same way you once were that now you were unnecessary.

Please hear me:  

Dad, we always need you. 

You are always necessary. 

Whether near or far.

Without you we struggle to feel safe in the downpour.

No matter what age we are.

The reality is that even though we now are navigating storms on our own, we inwardly wish you could be there to shield us and do the heavy lifting when the big bad wolf comes to huff and puff and blow our house down. It would be easier to run to you every single time something hard hits out of nowhere. But we know we won’t grow up if we do that. 

At some point we have to stand strong in the storms by ourselves.

And you can rest assured that we’ve taken what you’ve taught us and we forever hold it inside. All that courage you’ve instilled is now a part of who we are.

The thing is that our storms just look a little different now than they did when we were little. But they’re storms just the same. And we still need you to hold us tight, but with a bit more room in between us. Let me explain with a few more clarifying details.

Dad, you hold us safe in the storm and save the day when you:

• come home every night, making us feel safe and cared for

• provide for us and work hard to do so

• love us unconditionally even when we’re prickly and crunchy

• tell us that a B is just as good as an A because we did our best
  (believe it or not, we’re harder on ourselves than you can imagine and we need you to ally with the part of us that tried, not the part of us that was less than perfect.  Disappointing you hurts more than the low grade)

• spend time playing with us and doing life together

• teach us how to drive without getting frustrated with us through the learning process

• wipe our tears and tell us that he was a stupid boy who doesn’t know what he’s losing

• help us fill out our FAFSA with patience and attention to detail

• show mercy and grace at times when a consequence is deserved

• make amends when you’ve said or done something that doesn’t align with your heart toward us

• let us feel all the feels in the midst of this coronavirus outbreak when we don’t know what’s ahead and worry about whether we’ll get to finish the school year with our friends and do all the fun things to celebrate a job well done

The list goes on but you get the gist. 

The truth is that we need you to hold us safe in the storm, whether the storm is on inside of us as the sky is falling or whether the downpour rages around us. When you’re calm and patient and loving and kind through it all, you are our safe haven.

Ask your daughter today what kind of hold she needs from you right now while we’re all feeling the effects of this international storm together. 

This story above is of a daughter who feels loved and secure in her daddy's love. How I long for the day when every daughter will know that her dad will hold her safely in the storm. 

 p.s. And just so you know, Tom, the dad in this picture told me: I will never forget that moment as long as I live.

An Antidote to Social Distancing: How Dads Can Increase Relational Connection With Their Daughters During the Coronavirus Outbreak

Here we all are, together in a way like never before. And not like any of us would have ever expected or chosen this, but now we’re bonding over our shared experiences as the coronavirus has invaded our cities, our nation, and the world. 

The thing that has hit us so hard is how fast it’s happened. All without warning. I talked with a friend last night who said, “Isn’t it crazy to think that none of this was on our radar just two weeks ago?” Absolutely! 

And no matter where we’re living, the stories of impact keep pouring in. Here’s some I’ve heard in the past few days:

• My niece’s wedding this weekend just got cancelled (as did her honeymoon) because her venue closed earlier this week, so now she’s getting married in her parent’s backyard…on a Thursday. Not the dream wedding she had planned, to say the least.

• An 11-year old girl texted me to say, “My school is cancelled for the rest of the year and I’m sad because I’ll never get to graduate elementary school.” 

• Another friend is a senior in high school and now doesn’t think she will graduate with her friends while another wasn’t able to finish out her school year as an athlete because her basketball season ended right before the championship games. 

• I know a couple of women who already lost their jobs and another is wondering if her business will survive due to low financial reserves needed to keep it afloat. 

• Two dads (and a granddad) dropped everything to rescue their college daughters and bring them home after their school year came to an abrupt halt. 

As if these individual stories aren’t enough to capture the intense reality we’re all facing, I just had a profound conversation a few days ago with a friend who is in the middle of a medical crisis that’s led to serious decline in her physical functioning (most likely with a diagnosis of ALS). With raw vulnerability she opened up, “As strange as this may sound, this is the first time I haven’t felt so alone with what I’m going through. I’m increasingly aware of my own mortality and no one has been able to relate to me…until now. Everyone is finally experiencing a little bit of what I’m experiencing every single day.”

Her words hit me hard. She’s right. I rarely think about my mortality. Instead, I start my days with energy and passion, often heading out the door for a run where my lungs enjoy fresh air while I see emerging new life sprouting from the ground, smelling Spring all around me. But in an unexpected way, I now have a little window into her experience.

And I don’t know about you, but as much as I’ve been trying to focus on the positive and the good, as well as on the people I love and the things I’m passionate about (especially investing in dads of daughters), these last couple of weeks have felt different.

The atmosphere and the air feel different now. 

The roads we drive on feel different now.

The stores with bare shelves (specifically with no TP!) feel different now.

We’re all different now. 

For each of us, our new normal is set against a backdrop where, for months, the media focus has been on how divided we are as a country. Yet it seems that this crisis is bringing us together as we suffer and strategize collectively. We’re all acutely aware that if we don’t work together, we’re not going to beat this thing.

And while we’re being forced to face the uncertain, we’re living in a time where the loudest voices have the most impact. I guess it’s always been that way, but I’m especially tuned into what I’m hearing right now. And I keep wondering where the truth tellers are. I keep listening for those who will steer us to look up and believe for miracles despite our fear. 

Dad, this could be your finest hour to be a voice of strength---even the loudest voice ---in your daughter’s life, one that heralds hope and highlights God’s peace, purposes, and promises. If you don’t speak up, then every other voice will outrank yours. 

This is the time to get closer to your daughter. Even if she hasn’t expressed that she’s scared, I assure you that she has some level of anxiety about her future and what this could all mean. Truth be told, part of me is exactly at that place while part of me is grounded and okay. I imagine your daughter is there too. So I speak on behalf of your precious offspring to say that if you get close enough to hear what her heart is saying, she’ll never forget your investment in her. 

She needs you to tune into their fears by coming alongside to affirm, listen, and validate. 

She needs you to show up and dial in to where she’s at, not where you want her to be. 

She needs you to reassure her that you want to be her rock to steady her and comfort her, ultimately leading her to the Rock that is her Ultimate Support.

The good news for you as a dad is that while we’re being instructed to comply with social distancing directives and guidelines, you can actually increase social connection by pursuing closeness with your daughter because you’re family.

If you’re a dad who wants to use this time to bond more with your daughter while creating forever memories that will last long after this crisis is over, here are a few things that will not only help you survive this crisis, but thrive during it:

1. Ask your daughter what she needs from you right now.

   She may need you to listen, play a game, tell jokes, or do a project with her. She may want you to join her for a movie marathon or stay up all night and play Monopoly or Risk. Maybe she’s wanted to remodel her bedroom, but before now there didn’t seem to be time to do it. Join her in what matters to her while making her world safer and happier by asking what she needs each day from you since your presence will stabilize her more than you may realize.

2. Gather around the table as a family to talk about what each of you is thinking and feeling.

   Sadly, for many, mealtimes around the dinner table are a thing of the past. What if this season became a time where family meals were brought back into your home to increase conversation and connection. But make sure ground rules are set in place first: no criticizing or teasing. Then each one will share what they’re thinking about and feeling, followed with what they’re afraid of right now [the unknown, school or schedule changes, sickness or death, etc.]

3. Reflect on ways that you and your daughter connected when she was younger and bring one tradition back this week.

   Think of this as walking down memory lane. You can do this by talking and remembering…or you could get out photo albums to spark your recall. Then bring back one of the things that the two of you used to do when she was younger. My dad and I used to watch Saturday morning cartoons while lying on the living room floor and eating fun breakfast cereal. I would absolutely love it if my dad re-created that memory now and I guarantee your daughter will feel the same with you!

4. No matter her age, initiate or renew a practice of checking in with her before bedtime, ending the day with giving loving and affirming words.

   Studies show that the last thing we talk about, think about, and hear before we go to sleep is often correlated to our dreams and unconscious thoughts during the night. During this break from your normal routine, where you and your daughter are closer together under the same roof, use this time to connect at the end of each day while speaking words of life to calm and ground her in your love.

5. Join your daughter in the kitchen to bake or cook something for yourselves and/or the family.

   With restaurants closing, we’re all being forced to get creative at home with our food choices and meal prep. And like Plato said, “necessity is the mother of invention,” which for now means we’re going to have to figure things out in our own kitchens or we’re going to starve! So why not join your daughter and whip up a meal or a dessert for yourselves or the fam. Get ready for laughter and a great photo op during the process! Then post your pictures on social media with the hashtag: #daddaughterselfie.

6. Every day this week read a Psalm out loud to your daughter. 

   I’ve discovered that sometimes dads don’t know what to do to be a spiritual leader. I’m here to say that just doing one thing will make a significant impact. So right now with everything feeling turned upside down and backwards, what better time to lead your daughter to look up to God. I’ve found particular comfort this week in Psalms 23 and 91. Even if your daughter isn’t a fan of the Bible, she might be more open to spiritual things these days if she’s needing some extra spiritual comfort and strength. 

So there you have it: A few specific ways that you can turn this crisis into the best bonding experience you’ve ever had with your daughter where she’ll glean the rewards of having you near her. 

Be her anchor in this storm so that when she looks back, she’ll remember that you were in the storm with her. This could be more powerful than anything she’ll ever remember about the crisis swirling around her.

Dad, you can be your daughter’s antidote to this current coronavirus outbreak by strategically connecting with her more than ever before. You’ve got this, Dad. On your mark, get set…connect!

Be the Reason She Turns Toward God as a Father, Not the Reason She Doesn't

Awhile back I read an article from ABC News citing a study by Froese and Bader summarizing the four ways that Americans view God. I was astounded to discover that only 22% characterized the Almighty in a positive way, seeing him as benevolent, while the other 78% claimed to see Him through a critical, distant, or authoritative lens.

When I first read this, my immediate thought was: I wonder if 78% of Americans have a critical, distant, or authoritative father who has shaped the way they responded to this query.

I’ve been talking to male and female audiences for the past few years about the correlation between the way we relate to our earthly father and our subsequent response to God as a Father. Almost always tears are shed by some in the audience as tangible pain begins to surface once the connection is made between the two.

After one such presentation in Colorado I met 31-year old Elaina. She’s given me permission to share her story, written in an email once we both arrived home:

I wanted to tell you that it was kind of hard for me to connect with what you're doing with dads because my bio dad is almost totally absent and my stepdad is, well, my stepdad...so it seems almost impossible that I could ever use the skills you're teaching.

HOWEVER, I found it really helpful when you had us free associate words for father. I came up with absent, jerk and lonely-which really helped me when I was talking to my counselor yesterday, trying to describe my experience of my dads!

Anyway, I'm so grateful that you're doing this work with dads. If there had been someone like you around or a workbook detailing what you do, it might not have had to be this way between me and either of my dads. Maybe then I would have a better image of God and would not hop from father figure to father figure, trying to find someone to affirm me and feed my father hunger.

I have discovered that the horizontal and vertical are synonymously related. I believe our relationship with our dad always influences our view of God.

I agree with my friend Dr. Meg Meeker, author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, who encourages dads in this way:

Your daughter needs God. And she wants you to be the one to show her who He is, what He is like, and what He thinks about her. She wants to believe that there is more to life than what she sees with her eyes and hears with her ears. She wants to know that there exists someone who is smarter, more capable, and more loving than (even) you. If you are a normal, healthy father, you should be glad that she wants to believe in someone larger, because you know all too well that many times you will fail her…

You are just a normal, good-enough dad doing the best you can. You need to have someone behind you, someone your daughter can turn to when you’re not there. You both need a bigger, better father on your side.

You need to tell your daughter what you think and believe. What you believe will have a strong impact on what she believes. And if you feel you need to start your faith journey right alongside her, do it. She’ll love it.

I know this has been a lot to take in. Let me wrap things up by saying that I understand the heavy weight on your shoulders as you consider that YOU---finite, human, imperfect----are modeling GOD AS A FATHER to your daughter. That really is a huge responsibility.

Yet this isn’t about you needing to be perfect as God is perfect.

It’s about you, as a fellow traveler in this life with your daughter, seizing the opportunity to be honest with yourself and sometimes with her about your questions and fears when it comes to God and spiritual things.

Seek out real answers to your real questions…with her.

Invite her into the sacred space of being a learner who feeds your spiritual life.

My hope is that this will translate to your daughter turning towards God because of you. That it what it means to leave a lasting legacy.

p.s. If you’d like to open up a conversation with your daughter on spiritual things, here’s a questionnaire to guide you: Dad-Daughter Questions on Spiritual Things

Winning Her Heart vs. Winning an Argument

A few years ago I was talking to my friend Steve and he said something that not only blew me away then, but has stayed with me ever since. In fact, it’s so good that I asked him if I could both quote him and interview him. 

Here we are, seven years later, and Maddie is now in her first year of college. This dad and daughter have now moved past navigating the topsy-turvy, unpredictable road between: 

• independence and dependence

• freedom and boundaries

• rules and responsibilities

• distance and connection

...and they’ve locked in a solid, consistent, and deeply bonded relationship. 

So who better to hear from than a dad who has walked his talk and is now experiencing the incredible joy of being connected to his young adult daughter!

Backstory: When Steve’s daughter Maddie was heading into her teen years (a reality that proved to be a more daunting challenge than this dad had anticipated), he was strongly invested in learning how to relate better to his ever-changing and maturing girl. It was during a conversation we had one day that the following words rolled effortlessly off his tongue:

“It’s more important that I win her heart than win an argument.”

Does that sentence hit you like it did me?  

In that moment I said, “Steve, if every dad in America understood that concept, it would literally change the trajectory of relationships between dads and their daughters because fathers wouldn’t pull ‘the power card’ but would instead seek to understand their daughter’s heart needs in a proactive way.”

I loved hearing this courageous dad, guided by humility, say that it matters less that he is right, especially if it means he is trampling on his daughter’s heart in the process of holding to that position (and by heart I am describing where her emotions and dreams and passions and visions and ideas converge).

When I asked Steve a few probing questions to further clarify what he meant by his profound quote, he responded honestly. I believe you’ll appreciate the authenticity of his responses because he’s a dad who has been in the trenches just like you and he’s come out the other side.

1.   Steve, how do you go about winning Maddie’s heart?

I’m sitting here asking myself why I pause when trying to codify how I go about winning Maddie’s heart. I wonder: Am I afraid? Am I reluctant because I know that I fail so many times trying to win her heart? Who am I to try and suggest that I know the first thing about winning Maddie’s heart - when in fact I feel like I fail more times than I don’t? 

In fact, I just said to my wife - “This trying to be a dialed-in dad thing is hard. It would be so much easier to just unplug and chuck it!” No joke.  

But this morning, here’s what I wrote in my journal…“Jesus, help me to know how, what, and when to coach Maddie. Help me to know how, what, and when to close my mouth. Help me to know how, what for, and when to be strong for her. And help me to know how, what for, and when to just be with her.”  

You’d have to have been in our home to know the details…and frankly, I’m not sure I get all the details. But the one detail I do know - I love this little lady!  I won’t quit…even when failure seems like my default.  

2.   What works to win her heart and what doesn’t?

My number one strategy to winning her heart:  I…Won’t…Quit. She is my little girl, entrusted to me - her Daddy. And I will fight for her heart. I cannot demand it. But I will remain engaged…even when all the chaos of life collides with my visions of what it was like when she was 4, 5, 6 - with her raspy little Lauren Bacall voice. 

When I see the beauty that stands before me, in all of her “I am my own person” - I am in awe, this is my little girl, becoming a woman and I get the privilege of being present - I’ll take it. I will clumsily keep trying. I’m going to stay in the game - for her, for me, for her mom, for us…for her husband.

3.   Do you have any other strategies for pursuing your daughter’s heart?

My number two strategy to winning her heart - I apologize. I’m broken. I don’t do everything right. I make mistakes. At times I want a do-over. I’m humbled to be her Daddy. Pride has no business in being a dad. Let my humility be the measure of the strength of my love. (this is not a pushover kind of thing…)

My number three strategy. I am not afraid to be silly. Humiliation - ha…bring on the silly - for her sake. Never to humiliate her, but I will cherish the laughter - and Maddie can laugh.  

My number four strategy - I will guard her heart - I will fight for her. I’ll do this (hopefully) with a heart of peace towards others, but I will stand up for her, beside her. We will empower her to be an advocate for herself - but I will protect her.  

Maybe I’m going off topic here…but I will make the first move to restore our relationship. I know that I have to be the leader here. 

I will see her as a person - not a problem….not a problem child…not a child with “girl problems…”

I will tell her “no” - when it’s the right thing to say - even when I assume she is displeased.

4. How do you ground yourself when Maddie escalates emotionally? 

Great question…What is my ideal, aspirational approach? I recognize that she needs me to stay engaged with her as a person. That she knows that there is nothing that she can do that will change the fact that I LOVE her! I tell her this - when things escalate. Honestly, because when emotions climb and reality distorts (in all of us) I want to ground us with the truth – I LOVE HER.

5. How do you keep yourself from giving into anger when the situation is intensifying?

Well, I fail sometimes. My anger can look much more passive aggressive than expressive. I try to recognize when I slip over to anger and may have to suggest we come back around. I care more about her than being right, and we’ll figure the rest out. 

I’ve seen anger drive kids away; this was my own experience. It was amazing what it did to melt away years of hurt when my dad said, “I never looked at it from your perspective.” We are very careful with what we do, or say, in anger…I recognize it in myself and try to check it…or listen to my bride when it pokes its head out. 

6. Do you have any input for other dads of daughters?

Pride…dude, you are a Daddy. Bask in the self-evident pride that comes prescribed with being the dad of a daughter. Celebrate HER, champion HER, empower HER - and watch her fly. And be sure that you are the soft place she can come to when the world pushes off on her strengths and gifts, and tramples on her scars and weaknesses. Come on, you’re her Daddy. 

7.   Are there last thoughts you’d like to add?

I know that I’m a gloriously flawed dad – and trying to say how well I do at winning her heart…no trophies here. But one thing I do is pray for my daughter to recognize that she need not carry the burdens of the world, her school, her friends…but also not to ignore her bent towards leadership, justice, and a deep sense of empathy. I want to put a bubble around her to guard her heart, but I also want her to work out that powerful muscle and grow in her sense of right and wrong, a voice for the marginalized, and a defender of the weak.

Being a Dad is messy. But I am her Daddy…she gets one of me and I’m humbled to be her Daddy.  

Wise words from a seasoned father. 

I’m grateful to Steve for letting us see into his experience because he’s reminding dads everywhere that it’s not about being perfect, but is about staying attentive to the changing tapestry of your daughter’s life.

He’s modeling vulnerability in demonstrating the importance of being real with his girl---whether he’s apologizing and asking forgiveness or being silly and making her laugh.

And last, he’s teaching dads that winning an argument lasts only minutes while winning your daughter’s heart lasts a lifetime.

Dad, why not choose one insight that Steve shared today about winning the heart of his girl and put it into action with your daughter today.

Better Than a Dozen Roses: 12 Ways to Let Your Daughter Know She’s Your Valentine

With this being Valentines Day, I figure there’s no better way to celebrate the holiday than to highlight the power of a heart connection from a dad to his daughter. 

And though some may view this day as one reserved only for romance between sweethearts, I see it as an opportunity for a girl to be treated in an extra special way by her dad, thus creating a model for future comparison so she’ll know how to be treated when the love of her life comes knocking! 

Rather than give her 12 roses to let her know she’s loved by you today, why not instead choose 12 things that you can do for her or with her to let her know she’s worth celebrating.

This 14th day of February can be the start of a new tradition where you give her your time, your energy, and your creativity to say, “You’re my valentine.” [Incidentally, you’ll notice that none of these things cost money, but will require that you dig deeper inside yourself than your wallet.] 

Have fun being resourceful in ways that require ingenuity, patience, a servant’s heart, and a good dose of humor.

Here’s a dozen ideas to help you win her heart anew this Valentines Day:

1. Do something fun where the two of you enjoy an activity together ---walking, running, biking, shooting hoops, kicking a ball, playing a board game, eating, cooking, etc.

2. Let her teach you something she’s good at and you’re not ---baking, cooking, doing an art project, coloring, talking, etc.

3. Write a letter telling her the qualities you love, admire, respect, and want to reinforce in her ---for extra credit, read and then give her the letter, which I guarantee will be something she will treasure for the rest of her life.

4. Step out of your comfort zone and invite her to dance with you to one of her favorite songs ---if she declines, don't feel bad; she won't forget you asked, even if she says “no” to your request. 

5. Listen for ten uninterrupted minutes while practicing active listening skills ---look at her while she talks, nod your head to show you’re interested, lean forward, ask questions to encourage her to talk more (yes, you heard me right!), and put away all distractions to give her your full attention. 

6. Share three stories from your childhood that you’ve never told her before ---of course you’ll want to ask her if she'd like to hear them since some girls like hearing stories more (or less) than others.

7. Serve her in a way that is unexpected and out of the ordinary---fix something that’s broken, run an errand so she doesn’t have to, make her bed for her, do one of her chores as a surprise gift to her, etc.

8. Ask if you’ve hurt her and then seek forgiveness after hearing the whole story ---then follow the lead of one dad who has makes a practice of asking his five-year old daughter this question every night as he tucks her into bed, "Has Daddy been sharp with you today?" This allows him to hear if or how he’s hurt her and immediately do damage control.

9. Surf the internet with her and find funny videos that make both of you laugh ---because humor bonds us to those around us, why not intentionally create space to connect over shared laughter, which releases endorphins that will cause both of you to feel happier.

10. Take selfies of the two of you putting random things on your heads with silly captions to then post on her social media sites with the hashtag: #daddaughterselfie

11. At any time of the day make her a breakfast food she loves---pancakes, waffles, omelet, cereal, etc.---and then eat it with no hands to create an experience that is sure to serve as a lasting memory! (Idea credit: Garth Brooks, who led his daughters to do this with him during their growing up years, which inspires others to now follow his lead).

12. Watch one of her favorite television shows or movies with her ---be sure not to tease her or belittle her for anything she likes and then offer to pop popcorn or dish up ice cream to make the experience extra fun and enjoyable. 

Dad, why not give your daughter a new kind of Valentine gift this year that requires your full attention and whole heart.

I’m convinced that she’ll feel loved by you in a new way as you give more of yourself than money can buy. I believe this has the potential to be better than a dozen roses as this forever memory will last a lifetime!