Trick or Treat: A New Spin on Fathering

With Halloween being just two days away, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to weave this theme into my dad-daughter Friday blog. So here goes!

Dressing up for Halloween is something I’ve been doing since I was three or four. And because costumes were mostly homemade back then---in the 60’s and 70’s---I usually ended up as a Bohemian girl. Just picture me as the one with bright red lipstick and a black beauty mark penciled onto my cheek, wearing an outrageously huge skirt with a scarf covered in plastic coins on my head. It was actually the best repeat costume my mom could muster and one that took very little effort since it was worn year after year. We called that a win-win!

By contrast, my dad grew up with very little parental involvement, not just on Halloween, but on the other 364 days of the year as well. Living on the south side of Chicago as one of seven kids, he grew up with two primary, life-defining variables: extreme poverty and an alcoholic dad. Among other realities, those two themes resulted in him fending for himself much of the time, with very few memories of interacting with his father.

My dad has shared some of his Halloween memories with me, including those of costumes he created on his own. I love these stories because they show his creativity, ingenuity, and resourcefulness, ranging from him being a hobo with black charcoal spots under his eyes to that of being a box. Yes, you heard me right! As a boy, my dad went as a box for Halloween! He cut holes into a box that he got at the grocery store for his arms and legs, with one for his head, and then drew buttons on the front. Voila…he was a box!

I will admit that I laughed uproariously when he first told me that story. But then I honestly applauded him for his brilliant imagination as he rose to the occasion when he had no option but to create a costume all by himself.

As you just read in these accounts of two parallel generations at Halloween, both my dad and I made choices for our outfits based on the level of involvement by our parents. I imagine you’d say the same thing as you think back on what this day looked like for you as a child.

When it comes to the kind of fathers that each of us end up with, some of us get the “trick” version while others get the “treat.” Let me explain what I mean as I seek to add some of my own creativity to these holiday-themed words.

Here’s what a father looks like who “tricks” his daughter, followed by one who knows how to “treat” her well.

A dad who “tricks” his daughter will:

• Put his needs before hers on a regular basis

• Teach her by the way he interacts with her that women are “less than"

• Tease her for being emotional, leading her to put walls up as a protective shell

• Criticize her mom, leading her to believe that she’s going to turn out the same way

• Use her for his sexual pleasure and rob her of her innocence

• Contribute to the exploitation of women through his engagement with porn

• Make her never trust God as her Father because she can’t trust him as her earthly father

And now, let’s move on to the good news. Here are a few ways that a dad can positively “treat” his daughter so she internalizes his affirmative view of her:

A dad who “treats” his daughter well will:

• Tell her daily that he loves her and why he loves her

• Notice the things that have meaning to her and then share in them with her

• Provide for her needs

• Buy a special treat for no particular reason other than to reinforce her value

• Love her mom (and if divorced, only speak positive words or not say anything negative)

• Affirm her positive qualities

• Gently and lovingly set boundaries and limits as a way to teach her to respect herself and the world around her

• Listen twice as much as he talks, knowing that this will let her know she is worthy of being listened to

• Pursue her heart by actively spending time with her as a way to really know her

• Enjoy the uniqueness of her personality by laughing at what makes her laugh

• Have fun doing activities together that strengthen their bond, understanding that every one is another page in her “forever book"

• Build the bridge for her to trust, connect to, and feel positively about God as her Father because he’s been trustworthy, connectable, and invested as a dad

So Dad, it’s up to you to decide what kind of dad you are: One who tricks or one who treats your daughter.

I pray that today you’ll choose to be the best man in her life, one who treats her with dignity and value so she will always know and believe that she is both a treat and a treasure.

With that spin on this All Hallows Eve, I say, “bring on the treats!”

25 Things Your Daughter Really Needs From Her Dad

Even though I’m not a researcher, I actually did some of my own data collection for my first book that I know you’ll love! Because I want you as dads to reap the benefits of hearing from girls and women who are the same ages as your daughters, I’ll take you along with me on this journey of discovery.

Here’s the question I asked of as many girls and women as I could find:

What do you really need from your dad?

Then I added a short addendum to my request:

“This is your opportunity to use your voice to help dads across America by answering this question and telling me the top five things you really need from your dad.”

Not only did the responses start pouring in, but I honestly hadn’t expected that level of enthusiastic response!

The youngest participant was nine years old while the oldest was 89, again reflecting the relevance of this topic to girls and women across the lifespan. This question seemed to spark something in the hearts of females that spurred them to want their voices to be heard.

So here is a profound look inside the inner world of women. I trust that you’ll hear their hearts and not just see a list of entitled requests from demanding females.

The truth is that these aren’t just wants. These are needs. Their honest, heartfelt feedback is here to let you know what girls and women are really thinking and what they are really longing for from their dads.

Here are the 25 most mentioned things that a daughter really needs from her dad:

1. Time (“To show interest and involvement in my life,” “To be available”)

2. Affirmation (“Approval,” “Praise,” “Hear him say out loud ‘I love you’”)

3. Affection (“Hugs,” “Physical touch”)

4. Unconditional love (“For who I am regardless of my failures”)

5. Apologize

6. Be proud of me (“To know I’m not a disappointment to him,” “No judgment,” “Less criticism,” “Faith in me”)

7. Tell me I’m beautiful (“Compliment me, especially about my looks”)

8. Talk to me and open up about himself, his pain, his faults, his hopes (“Let me see that he is human, that he fails, that he makes mistakes, and then show me how to make it right,” “Time alone where I get to know him and his childhood”)

9. Pursue me (“Desire to get to know me,” “Interactive conversation where he is asking me questions about myself,” “To actively seek me out and find out what I am doing, what I am interested in, WHO I am”)

10. Prayers

11. To work on his temper so I can feel safe (“Not to crush my spirit”)

12. Not to change me (“To let me be me,” “be accepted for myself—not for what I did or failed to do”)

13. Honesty (“I need him to be honest with himself. When he's honest with himself, it frees him to be honest with me”)

14. Just listen

15. Guidance

16. Protection

17. Sense of humor

18. Teach me about things

19. Be an adventurer…with me

20. Instead of not being there, please be there (“Instead of handing me money, ask to come with me and take me shopping or out to lunch”)

21. Tell me you love being my dad

22. Believe in me

23. Never give up on our family

24. Show me how a real man treats a woman

25. Support my ideas and dreams

Raw. Vulnerable. Honest. And every single response comes from a daughter’s heart longing for connection and relationship with dad coupled with love and affirmation from dad.

My deep and passionate desire is for dads across America (and the world) to step up and step in to their roles as fathers. We can’t go one more day without every dad being all that his daughter needs him to be in her life.

Why is this urgent and important? Because a daughter who knows she is loved and adored by her dad will pass along that same gift to the world around her.

Dad, I implore you to take five things from this list, the ones that most strongly resonate with your core values, and put them into action now.

Be the dad your daughter needs you to be…today.

Dad: It's Not About Being Perfect, it's About Being Present

I read a story a couple of years ago that has stayed with me ever since.

Some stories have a powerful way of doing that, especially when they go straight to the heart. Today I shared this story with a dad who unexpectedly found himself tearing up while hearing it. Because of his response, I figured that was all the nudge I needed to now tell it to you.

A few years ago a pastor named George Brantley spoke on the topic of fathering to a student body of 1,100 at a Christian college in Texas. After spending two days with them he ended by offering a “safe hug” to anyone who needed one

It was said that “what happened next was both tragic and astounding.”

One by one, hundreds of young men and women made their way to the front of the auditorium while many stood in line for over three hours, all to experience a “safe hug” from this man. Apparently there were so many who sobbed on George’s shoulders that it literally ruined his jacket and shirt.

Think of the power of that exchange and what this story signifies. There was such a powerful longing for the strong arms of a safe man to wrap around them that they waited for minutes and even hours just to receive this small deposit into their emotional bank account.

In a matter of only two days this father figure so impacted these college students that they found themselves drawn to his authentic love and gift of safe touch. This was a father who showed up and was present, even with kids who weren’t his own.

All he did was offer to put his arms around them in a gesture that affirmed and communicated love. The result? They lined up and waited their turn. For hours. All for a hug.

This story reminds me of my friend Paul Young. Some would say that his hugs heal. I count myself among them and can affirm that his hugs have definitely been healing for me.

Safe hugs have a way of doing that, even without verbiage. They touch the depths of who we are and warmly say that it’s going to be okay and more importantly, that you’re worth loving.

That is the epitome of what being present looks and feels like.

Dad, your daughter needs your physical, loving arms around her. Daily.

And if my words aren’t enough to underscore this truth, listen to a couple of responses I heard when I posted these words on social media: “Dad, it’s not about being perfect, it’s about being present.”

Elaina wrote, “I can’t click ‘like’ enough times!”

Bonnie wrote, “This needs to be shared OVER AND OVER.”

Dad, your daughter doesn’t need you to be perfect. She just needs you to be present.  And this is the kind of “present” where you show up in physical form with hugs ready. No words required.

Ready. Set. Hug!

Dadvice: How to LISTEN While Your Daughter TALKS

Dad…

I’ve been writing blogs and books for you since 2014. I do this because I stand as an ally with you as a father to your daughter. Stated otherwise, I am invested in you!

When you share personal stories with me (especially those that involve more talking with your girls!), I give you my heartfelt commendation and enthusiastic applause for the entering into the journey of intentionally pursuing your daughter’s heart.

And as you’ve heard me say repeatedly, when we as girls and women know we are loved by our dads, we have:

• greater confidence

• stronger inner fortitude

• higher self esteem

• deeper compassion

• and increased empathy

These factors enable us to give out more from a relationship bucket that is filled, due in large part to the consistent deposits that you, dad, have made into our lives.

And in case you don’t hear it enough, I want you to know that you are the most important man in your daughter’s life because you’re the first man who loved her. So it’s up to you to never give up on loving her in the ways that she needs and deserves.

If you’re like many of the men I’ve had the privilege of interacting with over the years, you’re well aware that you need a refined skill set to talk consistently and deeply with your daughter in meaningful ways that make her feel heard.

As a way to build and strengthen your skill set, I’ve created an acrostic that underscores the required components to keep the conversation moving forward with your daughter. So if you ever get lost along the way with her myriads of words (or her non-verbal expressions that do communicate, just without words), remember these four letters: “T-A-L-K.”

By doing these four things, I guarantee that you’ll stay headed in the right direction while staying close to your daughter throughout her entire life:

Time – Because love is spelled T-I-M-E.

Affection – Because healthy, safe touch from dad leads to greater self esteem in daughters.

Listen – Because when you listen, you give her the message that she is worth listening to, she has value, and she matters to you.

Kindness – Because wrapping all that you do with this quality will keep her heart open to you and to the world around her.

So if you ever find yourself floundering a bit in your relationship with your daughter, perhaps even a bit confused about which way to turn, I trust that these two words will come to mind as you invite her to open up her heart and life to you while you simply say, “Let’s talk!”

How to Talk With Your Daughter About Same-Sex Attraction and Questioning Her Sexuality

One of the things I’ve come to appreciate about men over the past twelve years of leading dads of daughters in The Abba Project and interacting with men at conferences is this:

Y'all shoot straight and you want clear answers to your direct questions!

Case in point. Here is an email I just received from a dad who I’ll name Scott. He’s given me permission to share this:

“My 13-year old daughter has made huge progress this year and we are proud of her accomplishments, but also are concerned that she now is questioning whether she’s attracted to boys or girls. While I enjoy and have attempted to implement many things you post, I find nothing in your library about guiding children who are questioning their sexuality. I’m curious why this is avoided?”

Great question! Here was my response:

"Thanks so much for reaching out and I appreciate you addressing this topic of sexuality as it comes to this current generation. You’re so right that this is a huge issue these days. I don’t know if you have my most recent book, “Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters,” but I have one of the 60 topics on the issue of same sex attraction where dads can lead their daughters to open up about this topic.

I haven’t addressed it in my blogs and some of that is because I’ve been focused on other things. I honestly wasn’t intending to avoid it. Simultaneously, because gender is such a “land mine issue” right now, I’m cautious about addressing it from a strong personal position.

My goal, as you know, is to help dads lead their daughters in conversations without telling dads where to land on the issue. And with that said, you’re right that this would be a great blog topic. Now that you brought it up, I definitely will move it to the top of my list. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.”

To illustrate the cultural magnitude of this topic right now, if you type into your search engine the words, “how to talk with your child about gender,” you will see that there are about 596,000 items to peruse on the subject! To complicate matters further, you can read about:

• sex at birth

• gender expression

• gender identity

• gender stereotypes

• gender-nonconforming

• transgender

• gender assignment

• gender reassignment

• gender diversity

• sexual orientation, and on it goes

Most fathers have no idea where to start in navigating these issues, let alone speak into their daughter’s life about them. But as Scott noted in his email, we can’t avoid this topic anymore.

I’ll be honest. I do have opinions, convictions, and beliefs on this issue. Yet, as I told Scott, my goal isn’t to tell you what I believe. Instead, my goal is to encourage you to enter into this conversation with your daughter so you can hear from her and she can hear from you.

Here are my recommendations for your conversation with your daughter on sexuality:

1. Remember this is a two-way interaction (Goal: talk and listen)

2. Don’t talk at her; talk with her (Goal: listen, not lecture)

3. Model mutual respect (Goal: dialogue, don’t dominate)

4. Begin with asking questions (my template will get you started) (Goal: be curious, not critical)

5. End by sharing your thoughts/beliefs/convictions with her (Goal: honesty with humility)

In keeping with my commitment to equip and empower you as dads to lead your daughters, I’ll attach questions below for you to use that I’ve adapted from my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters. These questions will equip you to begin a dialogue about sexuality and potential same sex attraction with your daughter.

And I’d love to hear from you, so feel free to write me at thedadwhisperer@gmail.com and let me know how it goes. So let the conversation begin!

How to Talk with Your Daughter About Same-Sex Attraction and Questioning Her Sexuality.pdf

Sugar and Spice: The Secret to Fathering Two Very Different Kinds of Daughters

I had the most delightfully random encounter this past weekend. I met a woman whose vim and vigor were contagious and our interaction ended up inspiring me to look at relationships through a different lens.

Here’s the story. I was sitting at a table outside a grocery store in Central Oregon, soaking up the most delightful sunshine, when the smell of barbecue began to waft my way. Before I knew it I was in conversation with a local culinary expert who clearly expressed her enjoyment of awakening the palates of regulars and strangers alike.

Soon I discovered that Kelly (a.k.a. the “BBQ Queen” as her name tag aptly stated) has been barbecuing at this one place for 19 years! I can confidently say that I have never in my life met anyone who has been so passionately invested in and excited about barbecue…EVER. All I can say is that her enthusiasm definitely rubbed off on me!

That’s all it took for her to open up and divulge some of her tasty secrets. “The way to get the best barbecue is to have equal parts of brown sugar and vinegar. Most people get it wrong with too much of one or too much of the other. It’s got to be 50% sweet and 50% tangy. That’s all there is to it!”

And with that, she was off.

Silly as it may sound, I have been chewing on her words all week. But my thoughts haven’t been about spare ribs or tri-tip. They’ve been about fathers and daughters.

I wonder if the same principle for good barbecue could apply to personality types in girls.
I don’t quite know how it all breaks down, but I tend to think there’s an even 50-50 split between the “sweet” ones and the “tangy” ones.

Both are necessary to make our world function and thrive, and neither is better than the other. Just different. Complimentary opposites, I guess you could say.

This leads me to ask the question: Do fathers validate their “sweet” daughters as much as their “tangy” ones?

As a “tangy” daughter, I can tell you that I often wished I was sweeter and gentler, more mellow and less reactive, more go-with-the-flow and relaxed. But the reality is that I popped out like this. Lots of zest and panache (which is a fancy way of saying that I’m dramatic with lots of opinions)! Sometimes it’s been a good thing and sometimes it’s been a bit much…both for me and for my dad.

All of this pondering about girls and individual temperaments brings to mind a nursery rhyme I heard a lot growing up in the 60’s:

Sugar and spice and everything nice,
that’s what little girls are made of.
Snips and snails and puppy dog tales,
that’s what little boys are made of.

Though at the time this little jingle seemed cute and harmless, I realize now that it subtly planted seeds about what it meant to be a “nice little girl.” Add in the fact that positive responses from the general public seem to cater more to the “sugary” types than to those with a bit more “spice,” and I can say that it left me often not knowing how to understand myself, let alone like myself.

So if we use the barbecue theory as a working template on fathering daughters, it means that 50% of you are raising “sweet” girls while the other 50% are rearing “tangy” ones. And because your daughters see themselves in the reflection of you as their mirror, it is vitally important that you let each of them know that both sugar and spice are what balances out life and makes the world go round.

Dad, your daughter will believe what you tell her about herself (and what you imply without words). If you have a “sweet” daughter, you most likely find her easy to lead, and enjoy her delightful qualities. That’s all well and good. It’s beautiful and wonderful.

But especially for those of you who father a more “spicy” daughter, make sure to validate and encourage her uniqueness, one with zip and pizzazz, letting her know that she truly does distinctively enhance the atmosphere around her (even if at times she pushes every button in you and may be a lot to understand).

Let your daughter know that there are famous complimentary opposites everywhere you look. Help her understand that both have a place in the universe and both have equal value:

salt and pepper
sun and moon
fear and courage
cookies and milk

Dad, why not use all of this data as inspiration to intentionally speak positive, affirming words into your “sweet” and your “tangy” daughters today.

Let each of them know that her unique combination of savory flavors enhances your life in ways that make her one-of-a-kind mixture “taste” just the you love. Text her right now and tell her. I guarantee it’ll be the best message she hears all day!

Dad, Lead Your Daughter to LAUGH

I can’t believe that this week marks the first birthday of my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters…Whoo hoo!

As a fun way to celebrate this milestone, I want to highlight the first section of the book that starts with an important aspect of father leadership, and one that I believe we can all benefit from right now: MORE LAUGHTER!

Did you know that neuroscientists confirm the importance of laughing together, claiming that our brains release chemicals when we laugh in ways that strengthen long-term relationships and reinforce social bonding? Isn’t that amazing that God wired our brains to automatically release oxytocin to offset the stress hormone of cortisol simply by activating some merriment!

Listen to what authors Berezin and Liss had to say in their recent article, The Neuroscience of Laughter, and How to Inspire More of It at Work:

“Laughing swaps the cortisol in our bloodstream with highly sought after chemicals in the brain: dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins. Dopamine can enhance learning, motivation, and attention. And when Oxytocin, the “bonding chemical,” enters the bloodstream it creates feelings of relatedness while endorphins trigger feelings of pleasure by improving immune functioning, stress relief, improved cardiovascular health, reduced anxiety, sense of safety, and improved mood.”

How’s that for an incredible list of positive relational and health impacts as a result of connecting to humor with a bit of glee!

And if, by chance, you’re currently experiencing relational challenges with your daughter, rest assured that finding ways to express joy and activate shared laughter can help to soften any tension between you.So if laughter really is the best medicine, then every father would benefit from increasing his skill set in activating it, wouldn’t you say?

So if laughter really is the best medicine, then every father would benefit from increasing his skill set in activating it, wouldn’t you say?

Here are some practical, light-hearted, fun, and funny questions to ask your daughter to not only lighten and brighten her day…but yours too!

Dad, ask your daughter:

1. What about me makes you laugh?

2. What item of my clothing would you love to see me get rid of

3. Do you ever think about your wedding day? If so, what do you imagine? If not, why not?

4. What are three outrageous things you wish you had the nerve to do?

5. If you could be any animal, which one would you say is most like you and why?

These questions are in Let’s Talk, and as a gift to you today for reading and sharing my Dad-Daughter Friday blogs, here’s a link to my e-book, which are the first three chapters: Let's Talk eBook.

Or you can buy the full version here on Amazon.

Enjoy…and happy laughing!

Dadvice: Steps to Recovering from Daughter Wounds

Have you ever heard the term, “father wound”? Of course you have.

It’s a concept we use to describe the pain a father causes his kids, whether through direct harm (verbal, emotional, sexual, spiritual, physical) or by neglect, abandonment, or a lack of positive investment.

I’ve actually been addressing the topic of father wounds for years---in my blog and books, when speaking at conferences, and on The Dad Whisperer Podcast. And in my clinical work as a counselor these past 25 years, I assure you that this topic comes up somewhat frequently with my clients (to be fair, mother issues surface too).

That said, what I find interesting is that in all these years, it’s never crossed my mind to address the counter aspect of daughter wounds despite this being a common issue that dads discuss with me.

All of this was brought to the forefront when I received a recent message from Tom (who has given me permission to share this):

I was curious if you’ve ever covered the topic of how dads can get over hurts from their daughters? I recently had my first experience with it from my oldest (8 years old) and realized I better get ready for more. I’ve heard the teenage years can be really difficult because that’s when my girls will be discovering a wide range of emotional confusion and can say things they don’t really mean, but leave a mark.

I’m slowly recovering from my first encounter with it and was just wondering if you had any teaching on how dads can recover. I want to “get back in the game” and keep cheering her on, but admit that I’m hurting and finding myself not really “feeling it” right now. I know I need to step back and get healed so I can get back out there to love and support her…I just don’t really know how to do it. My tendency, like many dads, is just to say, “if that’s the way you feel, I’ll back off.”

I know I’m not supposed to do that…and don’t want to do that…but also know I can’t ignore the hurt either. If you have a podcast or something on the topic, I’d appreciate it.”

In response, let me first say that I know there are no quick fixes or pat answers here.

Every relationship is unique and there are always complex variables that come into play when two individuals are at odds. Yet I believe there are a few principles that can guide the process of healing from daughter wounds if you--like Tom--want to be a dad who keeps loving and leading through the messiness of hurt, rejection, disrespect, reactivity, etc.

I have developed a FOUR-STEP PROCESS to support you in this goal, using the acrostic, HEAL:

Honestly face the hurt

Express the pain

Allow another to walk with you

Let go of the pain

1. Begin by honestly facing the hurt you’ve experienced from your daughter.

As you well know, men have been socialized and conditioned to “never let ‘em see you cry”  while keeping a stiff upper lip at all costs.

To clarify:

• “Softer” emotions such as sadness and fear weren’t selectively handed out by God to men vs. women. All emotions come from our Creator to all of us equally

• You don’t have to act tough and deny that you’re never hurt while believing that it’s weakness to feel emotion

• When triggered by your daughter, be honest by acknowledging that she’s hurt you with her lack of respect, surly attitude, disobedience, rebellion, etc

ACTION STEP: Write down the things she did that hurt you…or speak into your phone and record notes that tell the story…with a goal of being honest with yourself.

2. Choose to proactively express your pain (verbally and emotionally release what you hold inside) in a non-destructive, non-explosive way.

This one is tricky for men because rather than feeling a “weaker” emotion, such as fear or sadness, it’s often easier to exert the “stronger” emotion of anger.

To clarify:

• When anger is your “emotion of choice,” it is counterproductive to connecting with your underlying authentic emotions

• Unrestrained anger can destroy your relationship with your daughter

• It’s vital to look for where you’re sad under your mad

• Admit your hurt rather than letting your anger do the responding for you

ACTION STEP: Even if writing isn’t your favorite activity, begin giving a voice to what’s going on inside. Write in a journal or type out what you are feeling after a challenging encounter with your daughter---Ask: What made me feel angry, sad, scared, and/or confused?

3. Allow another to walk with you as a safe witness to your pain.

I’ve met incredible men who’ve learned to open up with other guys by trusting them with their real stuff. Remember this is how bonding happens in the military---through working side by side, investing in team building, and fighting a common enemy.

To clarify:

• You’ve got to find somewhere to offload the stressors of fathering your daughter, whether to another dad, counselor, pastor, or coach (preferably someone other than your daughter’s mom)

• Be open to their input as you practice new ways of responding while being supported through the process

• As you join with another dad, he’ll validate your experiences while encouraging and strengthening your resolve to be the best dad you can be as you talk and pray together

ACTION STEP:  If you don’t have someone to vent to outside of your immediate family, take the courageous step of finding someone you can trust. Consider inviting other dads whose daughters are close in age to yours to come together once a week, bi-monthly, or once a month. I just met an awesome dad in Maryland who started his own group and they’re reading through my first book, Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart while encouraging each other in their fathering journey.

4. Take the bold step of choosing to let go of the pain.

Letting go is another term for forgiveness. Forgiving your daughter will lead to your release and healing by not harboring resentment.

To clarify:

• The process of forgiveness begins by acknowledging what it is you’re releasing

• It’s vital that you first walk through steps one through three listed above so as to honor your hurt

• If you can’t find it in your heart to forgive and let go, ask God to do it for you so you can be free and set the example to your daughter of what this process looks like in action

ACTION STEP: Type the words “stages of female development” into your search engine and do research on normative responses for your daughter’s age. You will have more tolerance and wisdom if you can coach yourself through the various cycles of her life by finding out what to expect in terms of age-appropriate behaviors, thought patterns, emotional capacity, etc.

And since you’ve already begin the practice of expressing yourself with words (which takes practice; no one starts out as a wordsmith), write a letter to your daughter, a letter you won’t necessarily give to her, but that will allow you to acknowledge the wounds she’s caused while reminding yourself why you love her, ending with expressing forgiveness.

FINALLY: I know this is hard work, but so worth it in the end because it allows for truth (a.k.a. honesty, vulnerability, real emotion, etc.) to set you…and your daughter…free!

What Daughters Need to Hear From Their Dads (Guest Blog by Shaunti Feldhahn)

Shaunti Feldhahn is a dear friend of mine and it’s an honor to have her joining us again today. Shaunti Feldhahn is a Harvard-trained social researcher and best-selling author. Her books, including For Women Only, For Parents Only, and The Kindness Challenge have sold more than 3 million copies around the world. The Feldhahns live in Atlanta with their two kids and two cats who think they are dogs.
~ Michelle

Dads—you’ve been there for first words, first steps, first stumbles. You’ve been there to mend the skinned knees and give out hugs. You’ve attended the ballet recitals, softball tournaments, and gone on late-night ice cream runs. You’ve helped study for exams, dried tears from first break-ups… you’ve been there.

And we know how much you love your precious daughter. But there’s something you might not know: just how much your daughter needs to hear it! In the research with teens and preteens for For Parents Only, I found that these several key phrases have a lot more impact on the heart of a girl than you might think. And as you’ll see, they are especially powerful and important when coming from a father.

Here are four crucial things daughters need to hear from their dads:

#1: “I Love You, Sweetheart.” 

Until she is married, you are the main guy in your daughter’s life. This gives you a special responsibility: countering the little voice inside the head of most girls (95%) and women (80%) that secretly wonders “Am I lovable?” Where you as a man probably have a little voice that asks “Do I measure up?” you might be shocked by how much your daughter doubts whether she is worth being loved and accepted by those around her. And feeling loved by a man is one of the main ways girls tend to look for an answer to that question. So as you hug her, affirm her and tell her just how loved and lovable she is! It is far less likely she’ll feel the need to go looking for love in all the wrong places.

#2: “You’re Beautiful.” 

Just as girls doubt that they are lovable, they really doubt that they are lovely. We women can be really hard on ourselves. We see all our flaws. And every magazine rack your daughter passes screams at her that how she looks is not enough. Your daughter needs to see evidence that she is beautiful, and the most healthy, human evidence of that at this time in her life is getting that verbal affirmation from you. When she comes in dressed for school, tell her she looks great. If you need to ask her to adjust her attire, make sure she knows you think she is beautiful regardless. Even consider taking her shopping every now and then. She will love seeing you light up when she presents herself in a way that lights her up.

#3: “I’m So Proud Of You.”

You like to hear this phrase. Your daughter does, too. The years daughters are living at home involve lots of hard work, growing, and trying to find their way. We found in the research that all our kids (girls and boys) don’t have a clear roadmap for who they are and how they should handle life, school, relationships and everything else. They often feel like they are flailing around trying to figure it out. And there is an immense relief when a parent says they are proud of them (“Whew, I did something right!”). This is vital from any parent figure but it is very clear from our interviews and surveys that God has given it a special weight of authority when coming from a father. Don’t skimp on this phrase!

#4: “I’m Always Here For You—Even When You Make Mistakes.”

You may not always have to say this out loud (although you should do that too!) but you do need to show it. As noted, our boys and girls won’t always do it right. They will mess up, not work hard enough, make wrong choices, and suffer the consequences. And they need to know that you are there with them through those consequences. This is key for girls and boys, but for a girl, when a father is angry or disappointed and seems to withdraw, she emotionally translates that as if he’s saying, “I don’t love you right now.” That is not at all what you’re saying but that is what she’s hearing. So when she drives recklessly, despite all your efforts to teach safe driving, let her suffer the consequences of having to go to court—but show her that you will stand beside her throughout it and that you are there for her no matter what.

We all know there’s nothing like the bond between fathers and daughters. And knowing the words that truly reach your daughter’s heart (and using them often) is a gift you can give that will last a lifetime.

This article was also published at Patheos.

The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers (Guest Blog by Dr. Ken Canfield)

I literally cannot believe I’m celebrating one whole year of marriage this week. Time sure flies!

So as a way to let you hear Ken’s heart, I’ve invited him to write a guest blog focused on his ground-breaking book,
“The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers: Becoming the Father Your Children Need.”
This is the first of twelve books he’s written and many would say this is their favorite,
which is underscored by the fact that it’s been translated into ten languages!

I’m excited for you to learn some fathering secrets from my husband (I’m still getting used to that word, “husband!”) since he’s the founder of the National Center for Fathering and is deeply invested in the lives of dads.

This overview will give you evidence-based practices that you can immediately put into action as you pursue the hearts of your daughters and sons. Go Dad!
~ Michelle

For the past three decades I’ve spent countless hours listening to and surveying over ten thousand voices from fathers across America. Their responses, answers, comments, and experiences have set the foundation for what I’m sharing with you today. As a researcher, I’ve collected data, run statistical analyses, read diverse scientific journals, and interacted with professionals who are working with fathers. And yes, I’ve raised five children of my own as well.

Yet in listening to a number of men who are considered by professionals and their peers to be effective fathers, I’ve discovered that they are dads just like you and me, but have taken their fathering role strongly to heart and have excelled in it. They are master craftsmen. I’ve listened to these men because I want their wisdom and insights on how I, too, can become an effective father.

We’ve studied these men and looked for areas of fathering practice where these effective dads scored significantly higher than all the other dads in our data bank. What do they know that the rest of us should know? What things have they done that we can accomplish in our lives?

We’ve studied these men and looked for areas of fathering practice where these effective dads scored significantly higher than all the other dads in our data bank. What do they know that the rest of us should know? What things have they done that we can accomplish in our lives?

There are certain things that effective fathers do differently from all other dads. In fact, there are at least seven things. I call them the seven secrets of effective fathers, and if we learn them, we, too, can become better fathers.

That said, here are the seven secrets of effective fathers gleaned from the insights of respected journeymen:

1. Commitment
You may have turned your heart toward your children, but are you communicating that? Do your children know without a doubt that, in your heart, they stand head and shoulders above almost everything else? Verbalize your commitment to your kids, let them know you are accessible, and look for occasions (even create them) where you can simply have fun with your kids!

2. Knowing your child
What separates effective fathers from all other fathers is that they are also aware of who their children are as individuals. They know each child’s distinct personality traits, talents, strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes. Our research revealed that effective fathers know when his child has a difficult day or is upset, the names of his/her best friends, what encourages and motivates his child the most, when he’s hurt his child’s feelings, when his child was embarrassed, and most of his child’s recent disappointments.

3. Consistency
Our research shows that an effective father is consistent in his moods, his presence in the family, his keeping of promises, his morality and ethics, his daily schedule, and his hobbies and interests. Of these categories, becoming consistent in your moods may prove to be the biggest struggle. But it is a struggle in which you can find victory. Many times, men who are inconsistent in their emotions are that way because they had fathers who were inconsistent. But we can make what I call regular and wise “midcourse corrections” to avert many life crises by a choice of our will. And just like a captain to his crew, the committed father turns to his family to bring them safely to port by saying, “Because I love you and want to guide you safely, I’m going to make the effect to draw a new map.”

4. Protection/provision
Our children need us to not only know their needs and work to meet those needs, but also to see us protect and provide for them. While some protective issues may be less visible than in days when we circled the wagons, there are still plenty of occasions where a father must rise up and protect those he loves, particularly in a crisis. A father’s positive response in the face of crisis is crucial, and though he might not be able to prevent a crisis, his actions can do a lot to determine the outcome when the crisis does occur.

5. Loving their mother
I have struggled to understand this secret. It seems to leave little room for variance. What about fathers whose wives have left them? How can these men apply this secret after they have experienced marital disruption? This secret creates a great difficulty for those men who sincerely love their children and want to be effective dads, but who have a hard time loving their children’s mother. The question is: Do you love your kids? Then one of the best things you can do for them is to love their mother--or at least maintain a civil relationship with her while committing to never undercut or disgrace her in front of them. The main benefit to your children is an atmosphere of security. And if you’re married: date your mate, model teamwork, show affection in front of your kids, or take your kids with you when you shop for a gift for your wife.

6. Active listening
Effective fathers have learned the discipline of giving their full attention to their children when they are speaking. They allow their children to disagree without becoming angry, and commit to creating an atmosphere of caring and acceptance that encourages them to share their ideas. Because the goal of listening is to gain an understanding of how our child perceives the situation, we will need to expand our skill set in learning to ask thoughtful, open-ended questions to grasp what our children are thinking and feeling.

7. Spiritual equipping
Actually, it’s understandable that many fathers feel inadequate when it comes to spiritual matters. We’re surrounded by many other people who seem so much better equipped than we are to foster our children’s growth. But don’t tell me that spiritual equipping doesn’t matter to your kids. They’re listening to what you say about God, and they take great comfort in your consistent, heartfelt expressions of faith in the Almighty. Effective fathers understand the spiritual aspects of their children’s lives, and they work to help their children discover their own relationship with God.

These seven secrets will stand you in good stead, but there is actually one thing you still lack. I need to tell you about the eighth secret.

With fathering, you can do your part by applying the seven secrets of effective fathers and it is likely you will reap a crop of well-equipped children who live their lives wonderfully, though there is no guarantee that this will happen.

This is why there is an eighth secret. And it is a mystery. In fact, this secret may be the most profound of them all.

Within each father there is a secret that he longs to express with his kids. It is each mans’ individual expression of his fathering.

Yes, fathering is a daunting and complex task, but only you can father your children. You are the only one in possession of that secret that God wants implanted in the lives of your children through you.

Effective fathers rise to the challenge, confident that the Heavenly Father will make up for their weaknesses and bless even their most uncertain efforts.

Seven secrets. Seven tasks. Seven wonders of the world. Yet if you’ve had the privilege of being present for the birth of your child, you instantly know that the grandeur of the Great Pyramids of Egypt or the Hanging Gardens of Babylon pale in comparison.

When your baby is born and you see his or her first breath, then you know you’ve seen the eight wonder of the world.

Eight wonders. Eight secrets.

A God of grace.