The Sustaining Power of Showing Up

We’ve all heard that the gift of presence lasts longer than gifts and presents.

We all know that LOVE is spelled T-I-M-E and when we give minutes, we give memories.

And we’re all aware that with increased distractions, presence is truly one of the most amazing sacrificial gifts of love we can offer someone.

Yet although we know these truths, it seems harder and harder to slow down long enough to look someone in the eyes, listen with both ears, set down our devices, and turn towards the person who is sitting across from us. Then when we consider that dads are often hard pressed to track with all the complexities of their daughter’s world even on the best of days, we see how quickly an interaction can unintentionally derail.

It’s right here, into the challenging and complex realities of interpersonal relationships, that Dr. Tina Payne Bryson and Dr. Daniel Siegel speak. They’ve written a powerful book to help us navigate relationships, specifically from a parental perspective. I absolutely love the title…The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired.

Just reading the title gives hope that in our fast-paced world where it can seem like we’re never quite getting it right or doing enough, the encouraging truth is that the posture of our presence is phenomenally powerful to our kids.

Let me say it another way: Dad, when you show up in your daughter’s life, your presence infuses lasting, sustaining power into her heart and soul.

I trust this concept breathes life into the places where you may inadvertently believe the lie that because you struggle to keep up with all your daughter’s ever-changing needs, wants, and dreams, it’s better to back off and defer to mom since she’s a “girl.”

I want to encourage you today by highlighting insights from these two brilliant authors, researchers, and parental experts when they say: “What’s the one thing a parent can do to make the most difference in the long run? The research is clear: Show up!"

There it is, TWO WORDS that are plain and simple: SHOW UP!

As I reflect on 30 years of interacting with clients in my clinical practice, I validate their findings and confirm that showing up definitely IS enough!”

To confirm this truth, Drs. Payne Bryson and Seigel also claim that “it doesn’t take a lot of time, energy, or money. Instead, showing up means offering a quality of presence.”

They’ve come up with a way to easily remember what every child needs by sharing what they call, “The Four S’s. In order to thrive, your daughter needs to feel:

• Safe

• Seen

• Soothed

• Secure

If you want to learn more about how to increase secure attachment with your daughter in these four ways, here’s a free handout from Dr. Siegel: https://drdansiegel.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/POSU-Refrigerator-Sheet.pdf. You can put this in a prominent place to remind yourself daily to actively do these four things with your daughter (and son).

And if you REALLY want to go the distance, I strongly recommend reading The Power of Showing Up.

Dad, it’s never to late to kick things up a notch in dialing in to your daughter’s heart space by taking a little more time today to enter into her world with the gift of YOU.

A Father's Love: Leaving a Legacy of Compassion

Today’s guest blog is written by a close friend I’ve known since high school and we were counseling colleagues in Portland, Oregon for years. Recently she invited me to share about fathers and daughters on her platform, and this piece flows from our conversation. I’m grateful for her willingness to share her vulnerable story here.

~ Michelle

If there’s one thing I could say to you dads today, it would be this: There is power in a father’s words and actions to create a lasting legacy of compassion and emotional connection with your daughters.

This is actually quite personal for me, and I’m honored to share it with you here.

I have so many images in my mind of men who have done this kind of thoughtful, connected, intentional fathering well. 

Yet I want to focus today on one specific outstanding dad. I want to honor my brother John, who passed away four years ago in a car accident. His kids were 17 and 19 at the time. He was an amazing dad — he loved their hearts, pursued them, took them on dates, wrapped his arms around them. He was empathetic.

I was just talking to his daughter last night, and she said, “I’ve been reading through my notes from Dad. You know, he was so good at that. He gave me so many notes.”

I thought, Really?! I was in awe. But not surprised. Because that’s so like my brother.

It’s clear that the simplest acts of love and affirmation can leave a profound legacy, especially when they come from a dad.

Here’s how my niece Natalie said it to me:

The best way to describe what kind of dad he was is to say that he knew how to make me feel special and seen. He knew me so well that he just knew exactly what I needed from him to feel loved. Sometimes it was a special note or a little gift. Other times it was just taking the time to ask me about my day or watching a silly, girly movie with me that he would pretend to like and be interested in just because he knew it was special to me. 

You can hear how Natalie’s heartfelt recollections underscore how a father’s words and actions are not only vital in the present, but can echo throughout the entirety of their daughter’s lives, providing comfort and confidence even in their absence. 

My own brother’s legacy of handwritten notes serves as a poignant reminder that love expressed in tangible ways can nurture and sustain a daughter’s spirit…forever.

So, take a moment today to write a note, share an encouraging word, and embrace the opportunity to leave a legacy of love and compassion for your daughter. She’ll treasure it always.

Your presence, love, and willingness to understand and support her unconditionally will leave an indelible mark — an enduring legacy — that will resonate in her heart long after she’s grown.

Fathers, by choosing to be intentional and compassionate in your interactions, you can create lasting bonds that transcend time. 

[If you’d like to learn more about Sabrina and her work, you can find her at CoreValuesCounseling.com]

Are You Leading Your Daughter to Conquer Her Fears?

All of us have fears. Some are little, some are big…and others are somewhere in between. Fears can knock us over in unexpected ways, they can lead us to implode or explode, they can cause us to lose our confidence, or they can keep us up at night as we replay events from the day or anticipate something that might happen tomorrow.

The reason I’m talking about this today is that at the start of this new school year, your daughter is going to face challenges that are different than she did a year ago. And she needs your support and encouragement to face and conquer her fears…one at a time.

Here’s my story of a BIG fear I’ve faced and overcome: 

During the first two years of my life, I endured….During the first two years of my life, I endured a myriad of medical procedures with extensive testing during long hospital stays. And yet the doctors struggled to figure out what was wrong with me. In the end, they discovered that I had iron deficiency anemia, and then with dietary changes, I slowly began to recover.

Though most of my experiences aren’t part of my conscious memory, I’ve lived out the truth of what experts say about memory being stored in the cells of our bodies. I used to live with extreme fears of doctors, needles, and hospitals. My intense fears were sometimes incapacitating. 

Yet despite these realities, after college I became a dental assistant, which forced me to face my fear of needles. There’s a longer story here, but suffice it to say that now I can enthusiastically and confidently assert that I feel empowered when going through any medical and dental procedure because I have absolutely no fear (and I’ve had a lot of practice in the last decade!). 

Sometimes I honestly can’t believe that I have so much courage in these situations now, and with deep gratitude I celebrate mastery over my former fears, which is truly a miracle!

Dad, I challenge you to commit to these action steps with your daughter as you support her in facing her fears just like I have:

• Never criticize or belittle her for being afraid. 

• Assure her that we all experience fear. 

• Share your story of facing and overcoming some of your fears.

• Invite her to write a list of her fears and help her face one at a time with a specific strategy. [see link to free handout below for a more detailed action plan]

• Encourage her with words that steer her in the direction you want to see her go.

• Let her know that the upside of the struggle is that when she conquers her fears, a strengthening will take place in the core of her being as she rises above. 

• Highlight that she will be stronger and more resilient with greater confidence on the other side. (And it’s always a great idea to use the illustration of the beautiful butterfly who pushes out of the cocoon in order to fly!)

• Remind her that she has the opportunity to GROW THROUGH what she GOES THROUGH.

Dad, you have a profound opportunity to walk alongside your daughter as you encourage her to face her fears and rise above them. Through this process, she’ll discover and embrace being the best version of herself as she kicks fear to the curb and presses in to all that God has created her to be.

And if you want to follow in the footsteps of another famous encourager, speak these wise words to your daughter that Christopher Robin expressed to his fear-ridden companion, Winnie-the-Pooh: “You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

[This excerpt is adapted from my book, “Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters.” For more questions to use with your daughter from my book, click here for the link.

AND...I’m attaching a FREE questionnaire here from the book to ask your daughter as you help her face her fears.] 

The 12 Best Questions to Ask Your Daughter to Start the School Year Strong

Having lived in Oregon for over 50 years, my reference point for starting the new school year has always been the day after Labor Day. However, since moving to Arkansas a couple years ago, I’ve discovered that most everyone on this side of the country is back in school by middle of August!

With that said, you can ask your daughter the following 12 questions BEFORE her school year gets underway or AFTER that first day, since they can easily be put into motion in the first week or two of this new semester.

Dad, make it your goal to address all 12 of these topics with your daughter sooner than later. On your mark, get set, GO!

1. Ask about her “first day” outfit. (And if she wears a uniform, ask about her non-school options). The clothes your daughter wears on the first day of school (or anywhere, for that matter) is a big deal. They showcase her style and personality, and she definitely wants to look older than a year ago. Take time to notice her entire look. Tell her she’s beautiful and affirm her creativity in putting it all together.

2. Ask her to name 3 things she’s most excited about for this school year. If you can help your daughter give voice to her expectations and goals for this next year, her hope and optimism will rise, which will also increase her core strength.

3. Ask her to share 3 anticipatory fears. First listen to all she has to say and then inform her that it’s ‘within normal limits’ to have anxiety at the start of a new school year. Let her know you’ll write her requests on your prayer list, which means you’re taking her concerns seriously by bringing them to God. Revisit the conversation in the weeks ahead so she knows you’ve remembered.

4. Ask how you can pray for her today…and every day. Your daughter will feel your support in knowing you’re taking her problems, fears, and challenges to God on her behalf. If she’s okay with hearing your prayer, start a pattern of praying before school each day so she hears your heart and your words. Even if she isn’t open to you praying with her, most likely she’ll appreciate knowing that you’re praying for her.

5. Ask about her friends. This is one of the most important questions you can ask because she’ll be shaped most by those she spends the most time with. As you well know, there WILL be drama coming down the pike, so make a decision now not to criticize her as she navigates life with friends. Invest time in learning their names and hearing their stories. Invite them to your home for a pizza, movie, or game night…or surprise them by paying for their food. The more proactive you are as school begins, the more she’ll open up with you as the year unfolds.

6. Ask what “starting school” tradition she’d like to do with you. Share a few of your ideas first so she knows you have some skin in the game---such as:

• Shop together for one new clothing item and go out to eat afterwards.

• Do a day trip (hike, explore somewhere new in your area, etc.) to help clear her mind before she’ll be filling it up.

• Dress up and go to a special restaurant where she feels extra special.

7. Ask about her teachers. Before this semester begins, write down the names of each teacher and the subjects they teach. When you ask specific questions about them as the term progresses, she’ll know you care about those details. (Then add this info to your prayer list).

8. Ask what she’s learning each day. Instead of saying, “How was your day?,” try being more specific based on what you learned from #6, such as, “What new words did you learn in Ms. White’s Spanish class today?” You’ll get a much more thorough response by asking a much more specific question.

9. Ask if there’s anything she needs from you to champion her. Your daughter may not have something in mind before school starts, so let her know you’ll ask her again. Confirm that she knows she can always come to you for anything. Expect to be inconvenienced if you really mean this. But also expect lasting rewards as she sees you sacrificially investing in her--which will strengthen the bond between you.

10. Ask if she needs any additional support. She may need a counselor if her internal struggles intensify, where a skilled professional leads her for a season. She may need a tutor for a tough subject or a coach for beefing up her athletic skills. Let her know it’s wise to add more people to her power team so she can be strengthened in those areas where she’s weaker. Share stories about times you’ve needed extra help and how you’ve overcome obstacles, fears, and challenges.

11. Ask how you can support her spiritual growth this year. Because our spiritual and moral foundations ground us when the storms of life come crashing in, be a catalyst for strengthening your daughter’s spiritual life by opening up this conversation. Be willing to:

• Read the Bible and/or a devotion with her each morning before school.

• Go to church with her.

• Drive her to youth group.

Addressing this as the school year gets underway will let her know you see the value in spiritual development alongside educational, athletic, social and personal goals.

12. Ask her to join you in planning a family celebration after completing the first month of school. Celebrations are markers to highlight milestones built on a foundation of worth and value. Some ideas could include:

• Give a gift to mark the occasion---a stuffed animal, gift card, or something she needs or wants.

• A family night at home with an extra fun meal or dessert.

• A family outing to a special restaurant.

• Enjoy an outdoor venue for a picnic and games.

The place is less important than the actual event. While there, share three ways you’ve seen your daughter (and each of your kids) grow in this first month of school. And if it’s been a tough start, affirm the character qualities being developed, such as commitment, hard work, and patience.

Whether your daughter’s school year starts on a high or low, you can be a proactive father who leads and loves well by asking her these 12 questions. And your GPA (Great Papa Award!) will be higher if you listen thoroughly to her responses.

The result of asking these questions and listening well will be life-enhancing for your daughter. And speaking of results, I promise that by doing these proactive things, you’re getting an A+ from me before the semester even gets started. Go Dad!

The Transformative 4-Word Question to Ask Your Daughter

Three years ago I came across an incredible book written by Psychiatrist Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey titled, What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience and Healing.

This book has been powerfully impactful in my clinical work as a trauma-informed therapist. Let me tell you why.

In most of my psychological graduate training (which was 7 years!), I was taught to diagnose and then implement the best treatment modalities to move people forward toward health and healing. In essence, the underlying (often unconscious) question we’ve been taught to ask is: “What’s wrong with you?” This drives us then to formulate treatment plans based on specific issues, resulting in optimum therapeutic interventions.

By way of contrast, Dr. Perry comes along and has turned everything upside down (in the best of ways!). He says this is the wrong question to ask when we approach people. The reason is that it not only begins with an underlying negative assumption of something being wrong with the other person, but it also narrows our focus on the problem rather than exploring what’s underneath a response.

Dr. Perry began to notice a significant positive shift in his work when he began approaching his patients, namely children, with an entirely different question. When he asked: “What happened to you?,” he essentially became:

• more curious and less critical

• more open and less oppositional (even if unintentionally)

• more inquisitive and less interrogating

• more helpful and less hindering

Now you may be wondering why I’m telling you, a GirlDad, about a book on trauma and the brain, trauma and resilience, especially when it comes to your relationship with your daughter. Let me tell you why.

If you approach your daughter with a desire to hear more of her story without an already-formed conclusion, she’ll feel the positive shift in you. She’ll be more willing to be vulnerable because she’ll feel your interest in more than just the problem and that you care about her.

You’ll connect with her heart in profound ways by simply shifting the underlying question you’re asking to: What happened to you?

• Then you’ll wonder why she overreacted as you wait to respond or react.

• You’ll approach her with warmth and grounded strength.

• You’ll begin the interaction with gentleness, not anger.

• You’ll be more willing to hear the story before giving a consequence.

• You’ll stay open to listening first before lecturing or correcting.

• You’ll assume something else is going on that she hasn’t told you.

Before I wrap up, here are six key takeaways as an overview of Dr. Perry’s work to support your goal to be a more dialed-in GirlDad:

1. The Power of Connection: Dr. Perry emphasizes the importance of positive, nurturing relationships in a child's life. As a dad, your ability to connect with your daughter on an emotional level is vital. Spend quality time together, listen actively to her thoughts and feelings, and create a safe space where she can express herself without fear of judgment.

2. Understanding Behavior: Children often communicate their needs and emotions through behavior. Instead of reacting to your daughter’s challenging behaviors, strive to understand what might be driving her. Is there an underlying fear, insecurity, or unmet need? Your patience and empathy can help her feel understood and supported.

3. Healing Through Presence: Your presence matters more than you might realize. Being consistently available and responsive builds a sense of security and trust in your daughter. Whether she's sharing her achievements or confiding in you during difficult times, your unwavering support can foster resilience and emotional well-being.

4. Recognizing the Impact of Adversity: Even if your daughter hasn't experienced severe trauma, everyday challenges can affect her development. Peer pressure, academic stress, and even the impact of societal expectations can shape her self-perception and outlook on life. By acknowledging these influences, you can offer guidance and encouragement as she navigates these realities.

5. Embracing Vulnerability: As fathers, you often feel pressure to be strong and stoic. However, showing vulnerability—sharing your own challenges and emotions—can deepen your bond with your daughter. It teaches her that vulnerability is a natural part of being human and encourages open communication.

6. Cultivating Resilience: Resilience isn't just about bouncing back from adversity; it's about growing stronger through life's challenges. Encourage your daughter to develop coping skills, problem-solving abilities, and a positive mindset. Your belief in her capabilities will empower her to face obstacles with courage and determination.

By seeking to understand your daughter's experiences and then responding with compassion and love, you can help her strengthen her resilience while you also grow in the process.

Dr. Bruce Perry reminds us that our actions, words, and presence have a lasting impact on our relationships. So Dad, remember to ask not just "What's wrong with you?" but to use a kind tone of voice as you ask her: "Honey, what happened to you today?"

8 Steps to Better Listening for GirlDads (Guest Blog by Dr. Ken Canfield)

Today I’ve invited my husband, Dr. Ken Canfield, founder of the National Center for Fathering, to share some secrets he’s learned over the years when it comes to really listening to the women in his family. With three daughters, two daughters-in-law, and nine granddaughters, suffice it to say that he’s had lots of practice! I know you’ll appreciate hearing his practical ideas for strengthening your auditory skill set in today’s blog.    
~ Michelle

When a dad says he wants better communication with his daughter, he shouldn’t just jump in and start talking. The first thing he needs to do—and do well—is listen.

Here are eight ideas to practice with your daughter every day:

1. Face your daughter squarely.
   This says, “I’m available to you; I choose to be with you.” This also means putting away or turning off all distractions, like cell phones and other screens and background noise.

2. Adopt an open posture.
   Crossed arms and legs say, “I’m not interested.” An open posture shows your daughter that you’re open to her and what she has to say.

3. Put yourself on your daughter’s level.
   Kneel, squat down, sit on the floor in her room, lean toward her. This communicates, “I want to know more about you.”  

4. Maintain good eye contact.
   Have you ever talked to someone whose eyes seem to be looking at everything in the room but you? How did that make you feel? That’s not something you want your kids to experience with you. (Did you really put your cell phone away?)

5. Stay relaxed.
   If you fidget nervously as your daughter is talking, she’ll think you’d rather be somewhere else. That’s counterproductive.

6. Watch your daughter.
   Learn to read her nonverbal behavior: posture, body movements, and gestures. Notice frowns, smiles, raised brows, and twisted lips. Listen to voice quality and pitch, emphasis, pauses, and inflections. The way in which your daughter says something can tell you more than what she is actually saying.

7. Actively give your daughter nonverbal feedback.
   Nod. Smile. Raise your eyebrows. Look surprised. These small signals mean more than you realize. They’ll encourage your child to open up even more and let you into his life.

8. The last step to listening is . . . speaking.
   But, before you give your response, restate in your own words what she has told you. That proves you were listening, and it also gives her the opportunity to say, “Yes, that’s it exactly,” or “No, what I really mean is this …” Remember, the goal of communication is understanding.

There are too many adults who lament that their fathers never cared about them or what they had to say. They felt let down then, and still do even years later. You have the privilege and opportunity today to write a new script, to start a new (or renewed) precedent, and to proactively invest in your daughter.

What you do today will last for years to come.

Listening isn’t easy, but it’s worth every bit of effort.

15 Ways to Be Supportive When Your Daughter is Triggered, Testy, Tetchy and Tapped Out

Fact #1: We all react and we all overreact. It’s part of being human.

Fact #2: We all have nervous systems that respond in specifics ways to incoming stimuli. And when we feel threatened or unsafe, our emotional center (limbic system) alerts us and floods our rational, reasonable center (prefrontal cortex), and that’s things go off the rails.

And that’s when our automatic responses kick in and we respond in one of four ways:

• Fight (“I’ll take you on and I’ll take you down”)

• Flight (“I’m out of here”)

• Freeze (“I can’t move and all I feel is helpless and stuck”)

• Fawn (“I’ll submit and do what you want just to keep the peace”)

Robyn Gobbel is a respected play therapist and personal colleague who has written a phenomenal book titled, “Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies That Really Work.” (She also hosts a podcast I highly recommend, The Baffling Behaviors Show. Check it out and let me know what you learn!). She is uniquely gifted in educating us on powerful ways to understand and regulate our nervous systems, especially highlighting ways to accelerate healing.

I love these her words of insight:

“I know your child has some challenging behaviors that don’t seem to make any sense. Their behavior doesn’t match your experience of reality. But I promise you that it matches theirs. That’s simply how the mind works: We create, and then respond to, our own reality…

As I came to fully grasp this idea, I became less judgmental of others and better at setting boundaries for myself. Now, if the grocery store clerk isn’t friendly, I assume their nervous system isn’t feeling safe. I don’t’ have to take it personally. If I feel up to it, I can respond with authentic kindness----one small gesture toward cultivating more felt safety in the world.

You know what our kids need to be invited into safety? They need for us to be in connection mode.” (pg. 43-44).

I know it’s super hard to be in “connection mode” and want to get close to your daughter when she’s prickly, harsh, mean and reactive. And a new word to add to your vocabulary (since I just added it to mine for this blog!) is in my title: tetchy, which means cranky, easily annoyed, difficult to handle, irritable.

Dad, it’s your job to initiate connection because it’s exactly what she needs, even if she doesn’t know it. This is where you have to tap into your wisdom, maturity, and supernatural power that God alone gives in order to be her co-regulator. This is how she’ll know you’re in it with her.

As you grow in being the best dad you can be to your daughter with a goal of staying in connection mode where she knows she’s seen, soothed, secure and safe, here are 15 ways to be supportive when she’s triggered and tapped out (which is another way of saying she’s maxed!)

1. Be aware.
   This one is first because this is where you have to start. Notice what’s happening in you (anger, frustration, sadness, etc.) rather than focusing on what’s happening in your daughter. Get your feet on the ground before approaching her even when she pushes your buttons. Remember that if you react at an 8, 9 or 10 level on a scale of 0 to 10, it’s your own stuff that’s being activated. Settle yourself first or you’ll say or do things you regret.

2. Be curious.
   If you approach her with a desire to understand and listen rather than lecture, you give her the gift of co-regulation. This simply means that when you’re curious, not critical, she will settle down (in time, gradually) because she’ll sense your loving presence. As you use the two words, “I’m wondering” when talking with her, she’ll feel your support. 

3. Be understanding. 
   Commit to learning to pace with your daughter as you sit with her in her intensity. Learn what is triggering for her rather than trying to dismiss what’s going on with her just because it doesn’t make sense or seem like a big deal to you.

4. Be teachable.
   I often talk to dads who say they have limited emotional capacity, and their daughters canb make life difficult because they require softer skills in them. I encourage you to allow your daughter to teach you to expand your ability to sit with emotions and let her know you want to be a student who is willing to learn and grow.

5. Be kind.
   Try to avoid causing additional pain through criticism or anger. And as you listen, be mindful that as you ask questions, she may choose not to open up to you if she feels unsupported.

6. Be patient.
   If your goal is to be there for your daughter and she’s not ready to talk or needs time to settle down and regroup, give her space without making things worse and reacting to her reaction. Don’t take it personally if she declines your offer of support, and then come back later (or text or write her a note) to let her know you love her.

7. Be affirming.
   Your positive, warm presence will benefit her in the healing process, even if she isn’t able to communicate that truth to you in the moment. She will internalize your view of her so make sure to give words of affirmation…especially when it’s hard to see the good.

8. Be the adult.
   Remember that your daughter’s pre-frontal cortex---where she thinks and reasons and has good judgment---isn’t fully developed until the age of 25. So if your daughter is younger than this age, realize she’s still maturing and needs your grace.

9. Be the example.
   We’ve all heard it said that “more is caught than taught.” Your daughter is watching you and you must model the behaviors you want her to emulate. It starts with you, Dad. If you want her not to respond with anger or attitude, ask yourself how your anger and attitude is doing in front of her.

10. Be caring.
    Though your daughter may respond in ways that aren’t always aligning with who she is, remember that she’s a work in progress, just like you. Remind yourself that it’s the stress or overwhelm or trauma talking. When you’re gracious, loving and display the Fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control), you help to bring healing into the room and into her life.

11. Be clear.
    It’s okay to set boundaries and not engage with her in the heat of the moment. But first, use your words and tell her where you’re going so she doesn’t assume you’re rejecting or abandoning her. (When her brain is on fire she won’t be clearly thinking through things and her emotional brain will lead the way). Then gently remove yourself from the situation and say something like this: “I’m sorry you’re hurting and I will be in the other room waiting with open arms if or when you want me to be there for you. I love you…”

12. Be communicative.
    Clarify with words that are short, sweet and ‘to the point.’ (When she’s flooded, she can’t hear too many words at one time). Use your words to calmly state that you are aware she’s maxed and hurt and overwhelmed and ask her if there’s one thing you could take of her plate. Make sure she hears your heart behind your words as you communicate clearly.

13. Be encouraging.
    When your daughter (or any of us) is triggered, there is often a time warp where the past gets mixed into the present. If you offer encouragement about her character, beauty, growth to date, etc., oftentimes this can bring a sense of calm and assist in the de-escalation process while she works to regain her equilibrium.  

14. Be vulnerable.
    You may struggle to let your daughter know when you don’t know what to do or don’t have the answers or are lost when it comes to “getting it.” But when you lead with vulnerability, which includes making amends after you’ve blown it, you’ll reach her heart more quickly and she’ll find it easier to regroup and reground.

15. Be willing.
    If you have the strength and capacity to help her with coping strategies, offer to help her connect to powerful and effective calming resources: Breathe, pray, sing, hug, walk, exercise, take a drive, etc. Make sure not to force anything, but pace with her process. If she asks you to leave, then honor her boundaries and use that time to calm yourself so you can be ready to connect later. Let her know you’re willing to go the distance with her because you love her no matter what. Sometimes we know we’re most loved when we’re the least deserving.

Dad, I encourage you to choose one of these 15 action steps and make it your goal this week to prioritize that one thing.

Make it a matter of focus and prayer.

And you can print out or save this meme to serve as a reminder to BE the dad you want to BE and your daughter needs you to BE!

When Dad Became Human (Guest Blog by Emily Wierenga)

Today’s blog is written by a friend who has had a complicated relationship with her dad.
I first met Emily at an eating disorders conference when she and her brave father sat side by side on the platform and told their story.
Here she gives us an inside look into her longings as a daughter and how healing has come to her heart and life.
She models that relationships between dads and daughters are a work in progress.
This is an excerpt from her new memoir, God Who Became Bread: A True Story of Starving, Feasting, and Feeding Others.
~Michelle

He used to carry me. My father with the scratchy beard and the loud laugh, the kind that threw his head way back

He would carry me as he walked barefoot in Africa.
I would feel his heartbeat through his sweaty t-shirt.

We would visit the blind together and he would teach the men how to farm and then he would carry me home.

Soon I toddled after him on short legs in a bunchy diaper. I learned to walk in my father’s footsteps.

I chewed on sugar cane and watched him dig up the red soil.
Then my little hands would help him plant the seeds.
We gardened in the mornings and rested in the afternoons. An African siesta.

But when we moved back to Canada Dad became a distant thing, a man lost in becoming a pastor. Gone was the rugged missionary in bare feet. He spent months getting his doctorate and working in a skim milk factory to pay our bills. And then, when he finally donned the ministerial collar, we lost him to sermon-writing or to board meetings or to visiting people in the hospital.

I longed for the days of mango juice dripping down my chin and toddling happily after my dad in the warm clay dirt. I longed for my father’s head to throw back again in a great laugh.

Sometimes, after I’d had my bath, I would wait for Dad to come home.
I would sit on the stairs of the manse, in my nightgown, waiting.

He would come, but he wouldn’t see me, resting on the stairs. And he would slip into his office and I would cry myself to sleep.

Eventually I stopped waiting, and I stopped eating.

I didn’t know whose footsteps to follow anymore.

I’d lost my way.

For years God had looked like my dad to me and now, my dad was human, and God was faceless.

Yet into this loneliness stepped Abba.

I was thirteen and dying from anorexia nervosa. Nurses said I was a miracle at sixty pounds and five foot nine and when I heard that, I finally heard the voice of my heavenly father wooing me in the desert-place.

Abba had been waiting for me, this whole time. I just hadn’t seen Him. He began to spoon-feed me a love I’d been starving for. And He carried me so close I could feel His heartbeat.

Soon I began to toddle slowly after Him, following in my Father’s footsteps. I was barefoot on holy ground.

He taught me about good soil, taught me how to plant the seeds of the gospel. Together we visited the blind and helped them to see. Then we rested on the seventh day. A divine siesta.

His is the loudest laugh and it fills me so full, I’ll never go hungry again.

[If you want to read more of Emily’s new memoir, God Who Became Bread, you can order it HERE on Amazon.

Dads…her book would be a great gift for your daughter as she would be invited into real vulnerability as Emily gives hope to those who are in hard places.]

Not so Happy Father's Day: When You Just Want The Day to Be Over

If this blog title intrigues you, it may be because Father’s Day is one of the hardest days of the year for you. According to research that was commissioned by the National Center for Fathering in cooperation with Gallup polling, the majority of Americans are right there with you. In fact, over half of them agreed with this statement:

“Most adults have unresolved issues with their fathers.”

I want to be a catalyst in facilitating healing for those with unresolved father issues so we can be healthier people regardless of the hand we were dealt.

As I’ve pondered what some of your stories could be that make today extra hard, here are some examples that come to mind. Maybe your story has played out in some way like this:

• Your father wasn’t in the picture much---or at all---and like the approximately 18.3 million fatherless kids in America, this day reminds you of what you didn’t (or still don’t) have.

• Your dad preferred one of your siblings over you, and the result of that favoritism is that you’ve lacked confidence your whole life, never believing you measure up no matter how hard you try.

• Your parents divorced and you felt caught in the middle, feeling the pull to ally with your mom because you believed she needed you more…but now you realize what you didn’t get and you’re angry that you lost time with your dad that you’ll never get back.

• Your dad remarried after the divorce and chose his new family over you, leaving a hole in your heart that has never really healed no matter how much therapy you’ve done.

• Your father was there but not there. He provided for you and came home after work but didn’t really tune into you or communicate that you had value to him.

• Your dad has had his own unhealed issues with his father, and though he did the best he could, you keep coming back to the fact that there have been significant deficits in your relationship as a result of his lack of pursuing a closer relationship with you.

• You’ve learned that God is a loving and good Father, but you struggle to really believe it because your earthly father didn’t model those qualities to you.

• You’re a dad yourself and when your kids were born you purposed to be the dad you never had, but your personal choices---i.e. an addiction, affair, career, hobbies, or even ministry---came before them and now you’re reaping the painful results of those decisions.

• Your dad has died and you loved him more than your words can convey, and as you see everyone else celebrating their fathers today, your heart aches because you didn’t have enough time with yours.

As discouraging as these examples may be, I share them to validate the wounds that many of you are carrying, wounds that are often unseen and unacknowledged.

Yet let’s not stay there.

Let’s be people who pursue healing and wholeness so we don’t pass the unhealed pain of our past on to the next generation.

As a way to counter heaviness you may be feeling today,
I want to share a powerful truth I’ve learned about HOPE.

About a year ago I was preparing to speak at a national conference on hope-filled fathering. I was reading studies on the impact of hope in motivating us to action, as well as conducting my own research on how dads gain or lose hope based on their current relationships with their daughters.

One night I got a download for a way to understand HOPE in a fresh way. Here’s the acrostic that made the concept of HOPE come alive for me:

H---Heavenward
O---Orientation
P---Powers
E---Everything

What this means to me is that even when there’s been relational pain, we can find hope by looking through a different lens, a heavenward one. This orientation to connect with our Heavenly Father is the pathway for healing even if our earthly relationships are still broken.

If today is really hard for you, rest assured that you’re not alone and there are others who are struggling in similar ways. You can take comfort in knowing that another Father is watching over you. Also stand in the truth that healing is possible.

I want to leave you with one of my favorite verses that was my theme verse all last year. I pray this fills you with HOPE today so that no matter where you’re at on this Father’s Day, you’ll be uplifted and encouraged:

May the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace
as you trust in Him (this is the key to a heavenward orientation)
so you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.
(Romans 15:13)

[You may have read my blog two years ago titled, “How to Survive Father’s Day When You Hate the Day,” and if not, I encourage you to read it now. In it I share a four-step process to work through your father wounds towards healing and breakthrough. Be encouraged that it’s possible to move through forgiveness to release.

And if you need extra support, I offer online coaching and would be happy to walk alongside you in this process.]

What It Looks Like for a Dad To Make Amends: A Real Life Dad-Daughter Story

There wasn’t a dry eye in the room.

As they sat side by side on the platform in front of a packed auditorium, their raw emotion was palatable, expressed visibly as each of them told their story through their tears. We all sat there mesmerized, with an awareness that we were being invited into one of the most honest interactions we’d ever witnessed between a dad and his adult daughter.

She went first. “Affirmation…my dad never gave it and still never does. I think that is why I’m never sure I matter. He is available in a variety of ways---there if I want to talk, etc. but not affirming. I can’t even explain the hole I’ve felt in my heart at his lack of affirmation. For many years, I didn’t even realize that hole was there. And once I did, I first ignored it and told myself I didn’t care. But eventually it hurt too much to ignore.”

As my friend Constance spoke---a married wife with three children, an author, accomplished musician and national leader---it was as if we heard a ten-year old girl in touch with the longings of her heart. She had wished for her daddy to notice her, to tell her she was beautiful in his eyes, and to let her know that he had time for her.  

Looking directly at her father there on the platform, Constance kept the dialogue going and asked: “Dad, how did it make you feel to hear me share our struggles publicly just now?”

With script in hand, Dan read his carefully prepared response to his daughter’s query:

“I was saddened to realize how much you craved my approval and affirmation and I was oblivious to your need. I’m here today because I love you and you asked me to come. You have asked me before to attend your events and I’ve always had a reason not to attend. I recognize mistakes I’ve made in the past and am thankful for the opportunity to make better decisions now. You are important to me and I want to affirm you.”

Dan could hardly get through that part without fighting back tears. As you can imagine, his daughter was right there with him, feeling every word of his heartfelt emotion. He continued:

“I hope that our strengthened relationship will give hope to those in attendance who may be dealing with similar issues with their parents. I also want to bring this to the attention of parents with adult or soon-to-be-adult children so they’ll know that down deep at some level your children still need your approval, your acceptance, your affirmation, and your love. It may not seem like it, but they do.”

By this time we were all on the edge of our seats, feeling their emotion right along with them. Dan kept speaking:

“In my mind I thought I was affirming my daughter with my occasional compliments, so with regret I now realize it was not enough to satisfy her need. I was aware that Constance was not happy with me and I honestly didn’t know why. I didn’t realize the depth of her hurt and bitterness. And I will admit that I was raised without much affirmation from my parents and succumbed to the same malady. But I can now be painfully honest; I needed to learn to respect my adult children and not just give them unwanted criticism. There is a time parents have to begin to deal with their children on a respect basis; like many, I was late in recognizing this. But I have now!”

It was so refreshing to hear a dad---and a pastor, no less---honestly admit his failures as a father to his adult daughter out in the open, in front of strangers. There wasn’t defensiveness or mudslinging in an attempt to explain or qualify his actions.

Instead, his honesty and tender willingness to understand how he had hurt his daughter was part of the process that allowed her to continue releasing the hurts that she had carried for so many years.

Constance responded:

“Even though I was really angry at my dad, for some reason there was also a part of me that wanted to hope for something more. I think it was God in me. He gave me eyes to see my dad in a new light. Through conversations I saw more of the pain and rejection he had carried as a little boy, and also as a father and husband. I also realized that he was actually genuinely ignorant of my need for his affirmation. The more I looked at him through eyes of compassion for his brokenness, the easier it was to believe things could be better.

But the biggest boost to our relationship was that he WANTED to change. He was in a season of having retired from work and was looking at his life in new ways and asking God to change him. And that is what I have seen the most these past few years---my dad is ACTIVELY choosing to look at the parts of himself that are not loving, and is open to change.”

Can you hear the softness in her voice that was evident now in the telling of her story?

“This has changed not only our relationship, but my relationship with myself. Somehow, knowing that my dad is proud of me has diminished my need to have others be proud of me too. And the more I know that and can rest in his love for me, the better and better our relationship gets.”

Do you notice how many times each of them used the word hope?

I underscore the hope their story brings in highlighting that it’s never too late for a dad and daughter to mend their relationship. Here is a woman disclosing that it took her until her late 30’s to begin peeling back the layers of her father wounds and voids. But the other amazing reality is that she has a dad who was willing to meet her in that process by also looking at himself and owning his part of the whole.

I want to give Dan the last word with the hope that his words will touch your heart as a dad so that like him, you’ll be willing to look within yourself in order to pursue a more vibrant and positive relationship with your daughter:

“Looking back, I can remember the clues she was sending, but at the time I was clueless. It is never too late, and yes, I am committed to continuously changing to confirm to God’s will for me as a father. The great thing about God is He wants to restore broken relationships and if we will cooperate with Him, He will change us if we will pray for those we have hurt or been hurt by. Then God will begin a work of restoration in them.

…With God all things are possible.”

Well said, Dan.

And what courage he displayed with his humble willingness to be honest about his shortcomings as a father, coupled with publicly modeling what it looks like for a dad to actively turn his heart toward his grown daughter.

Their story gives us all great hope that we’re never too old to change, to take responsibility, to humble ourselves, make amends, and activate healing…whether a dad or an adult daughter.