Burned Bridges

I love it when a father takes time out of his day to write in response to something I’ve written. And because those messages touch me deeply, I am careful to take the time to respond in a way that lets each one know I care about his situation.

A recurring story I hear are from dads who are estranged from their daughters telling me they are lost on what to do next. Their hearts are breaking and they don’t know where to turn.

Serving to illustrate the pain inside a father’s heart, one dad wrote:

Why is it hard for my daughter to want me in her life? I ache in my heart and feel a part of my life is missing. My sister and daughter are very close and she says I need to release her to God's providence. I can't imagine my life without her. I need some wisdom. Thank you.

I often feel that any response I give will either be a disservice to the complexity of the situation or might negate the backstory of his daughter’s decision to write her dad out of her life story. Yet in each response I seek to put my heart on paper while encouraging him to never give up on his girl. I continually share my hope that he will keep pursuing her heart - going after what he knows matters to her - while also honoring her requested need for space.

One of my close friends has been going through this kind of agonizing distance with his daughter. For almost 3 years now he has had very little contact with her. I’ve asked him to share more about the real underside of this kind of heartache from a dad’s perspective…

Michelle: Have you understood her reasons for distancing from you, or is that a puzzle?

Dad: Yes kind of. She has a lot of anxiety and I cause her to be nervous. I was the “justice” parent and she hates to displease me. Her perception is that she displeased me a lot as a child – that was not my perception. She was the apple of my eye. When she was 12 she began distancing herself from me. I thought it was normal teen angst – but I realize now that it was much deeper than that.

Michelle: What has been the hardest part of her being gone?

Dad: I miss her terribly. It’s very frustrating not knowing what’s going on in her life and I want to help her but I can’t because I don’t know what’s happening.

Michelle: Is there anything you can share about what your thought process has been like in understanding/coming to terms with/being honest about the role you’ve played in her leaving home and not wanting contact with you?

Dad: I didn’t realize how sensitive she was to even the slightest negative comment. I’m not a screamer – and I’m much more encouraging than my dad was to me. So I figured I was doing okay. I tried to say three times as many encouraging things as corrective things. But still her anxiety has made it really hard for her to hear anything but condemnation.

Michelle: What would you tell other dads whose hearts are breaking as a result of their daughter closing the door and rejecting them? How do you really deal with it when you literally are helpless to reach her, change her mind or draw her back?

Dad: You have to get to the point where it’s not about you. At first I used to think, “That little brat. She’s so ungrateful.” I thought about retaliating – to teach her a lesson. “If things get really bad for her then she’ll finally appreciate me.” This is the stupid dialogue that went on in my head. But over time my anger cooled and I began to see the bigger picture: It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship. So I gave up my right to be right and waited patiently for her to communicate with me. That started again a couple of months ago.

What powerful and healing words: “It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship.” This dad came to terms with the fact that his daughter’s heart mattered more than his own hurt. Taking a humble, strong stance like this must start with you, Dad.

I’ve spoken with many dads who admit they’ve had a significant role in destroying the bridge between themselves and their daughters. I want you to hear that I’m not standing in judgment of you for the past, but I am challenging you to take the initiative and make amends today.

If you’ve read my blogs or my books, you’ll recall me saying that men would rather do nothing than do it wrong. This applies to making amends too. Perhaps you’ve held off crossing the bridge to her heart because you think too much time has passed or she’ll never talk to you again. This is where you’ll have to be wise moving forward. Start with a letter if she’s not okay with seeing you or doesn’t feel safe with you, or perhaps a text - without expecting a response - as long as you are honoring her boundaries.

Another key piece of the rebuilding process is to lay your weapons down. You can’t approach her with defensiveness or in “attack mode” if you want to repair the bridge. If you care more about her hurt and her heart than you do about being right, then you can try these three steps:

1. Ask questions with a sincere desire to know the answer 

“I know I hurt you with my words yesterday. When you came to me I didn’t listen well. You were right about that piece. I want to listen now. Can you please tell me again what you want?”

2. Ask forgiveness for specifics, not generalities

“Last night I was tired after work and took it out on you. I saw the look of hurt in your eyes when I got angry, yet I chose not to meet you in the way you needed me to. Will you please forgive me?” 

3. Never mix amends with criticism (subtle or direct)

(This is an example of what NOT to say) “I know I was harsh, but so were you. If you want to tell me now what you were saying last night, I will try to listen. But you need to meet me halfway and not be as emotional this time around.” 

The key here is to picture her heart in yours and proceed with caution, because the severity of offenses vary, but the presence of any demands on your part will backfire indefinitely in reaching out to her in love. 

To close, here is some of my response to the hurting father at the start of this blog:

One idea for you during this time of estrangement from your daughter is to buy a journal and write letters to her in it. You may or may not ever give it to her, but either way it can be a place to express the desires of your heart to her—wishes, dreams, ideas, prayers, truths of who she is as you see her and God sees her, verses you pray for her, and random or silly things that you wish you could say to her. This book will serve as a time capsule of sorts should you choose to give her the journal sometime down the road.

Whether you’re a dad who needs to rebuild the bridge to his daughter’s heart or you’re building the bridge in a proactive way right now and things are good between the two of you, I’d suggest doing this journal idea. I cannot imagine a daughter who wouldn’t treasure a gift like this from her father. You could write in it once a week for a year and then present it to her on her next birthday or on Father’s Day as a surprise to switch it up and let her know how much you love being her dad.

No matter the method, no matter the cost, I trust you’ll choose today to invest your time and energy to become an expert bridge-builder to your daughter’s heart.

How the Quinceañera Teaches Fathers to Celebrate Their Daughters

In celebration of my upcoming Spanish translation of Let's Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters, I’m sharing with you a heartwarming story I read awhile back that was tucked on the back page of a small-town newspaper. It was about a traditional Latino celebration as told through the eyes of a father. It was only after reading the article that I realized it was actually written by his daughter! This indicates to me that she got to feel and hear what her big event was like for him…at a heart level.

Clearly this dad’s love for his daughter is evident as he shares his perspective on the biggest day in his 15-year old daughter’s life, her Quinceañera, as it officially marked her leaving childhood behind while publicly embracing womanhood.

Though I’ve never attended a Quinceañera, this story makes me wish I had. I’m truly in awe of the precision to detail, preparation, planning, and investment of time and money that went into one single day for a teenage girl. What a forever gift she was given by her family! And similar to that of a wedding day, the focus is centered on a single “flower” who blossoms in front of all who come to celebrate only her. Even in the written story I could feel the incredible love that was poured over her, especially from her father, as four main events represented her transition from little girl to grown woman:

1. The changing of her shoes from flats to heels

2. Her dance with her last doll

3. Her crowning with a tiara

4. The dance with her father (which is said to be the most important part of the entire event)

Photography by Martin Muriel Fotografo, 2019. Full gallery available here.

It was so touching to see a picture of the dad kneeling at the feet of his daughter, removing her flat shoes while slipping onto her feet a pair of heels, as if she was a princess at the ball. In response to this interaction dad says,

“Seeing her walk in heels was probably what made it all real for me. She hadn’t worn heels because she wasn’t supposed to, so seeing her stumble around and try to find her balance was just reminding me that she was going to struggle on her road ahead and she was going to have to make herself stable again on her own.”

And there was dad, nearby, waiting in the wings, ready to catch her if she did indeed fall.

Dad continued by explaining how emotional it was for him to see his daughter laughing and smiling while dancing in her sparkling dress holding her favorite doll. He found himself reminiscing about how it seemed like only yesterday that she was playing with Barbies. It had gone by so fast and now here she was all grown up. Yet as her dad, he was filled with joy as he proudly showed her off to everyone.

Reading this story made me wonder what it would be like if every branch of society took a cue from cultures where dads actively celebrate and mark their daughter’s maturation in some kind of significant way.

And what if dads everywhere found a way to let their maturing daughters know they are dialed in, present, and on board as she transitions into and embraces womanhood?

I wonder what would happen if every girl, like the one in this article, knew that she had a day marked out for her where her dad treated her like the belle of the ball in a significant and celebratory way to confirm that she has profound value in his eyes. She would have that day and that event to look forward to long before it took place.

And if a big shindig isn’t your daughter’s style, maybe…

• You could take her on a dad-daughter hike to a beautiful place in your state initiating a new annual tradition that celebrates her love of adventure and nature

• She would enjoy a dinner party hosted at a restaurant with a few family and/or friends where you could surprise her by writing and reading a letter about what gifts you see in her that make you proud of her

• You could have a fancy dinner at home where you read her a handwritten letter while the rest of the family listens, ending with a dance in the living room to a pre-selected song

• She would like a piece of special jewelry that will remind her every time she wears it that she’s your girl and you love her to pieces

• She loves risk-taking that activates her adrenaline while proving to herself that she’s brave, like bungee jumping, scuba diving, climbing a rock wall, or running a half marathon and you can celebrate together in that way

These are just a few ideas to hopefully spur your creativity and motivate you to plan ahead by creating an event to let your daughter know that you are excited to see your little girl grow up. Share your ideas with her and together decide what would have the most meaning to her. And if she’s already grown, you can do still do this in retrospect; she’ll still love the fact that you’re celebrating her now.

Dad, let’s start with practical steps. Connect with your daughter today---through your written, texted, or spoken words---and let her know that you celebrate the girl and woman she is. She’ll shine inside and out as you honor her today!

And just for fun, here's a video of an adorable dad-daughter Quinceañera dance where the two made this moment completely their own:

Understanding Your Mysterious Daughter

So often hear fathers tell me that their daughters are complicated, complex, confusing, and unpredictable. The mysterious nature of a young daughter’s tantrum, a teenage attitude, or an adult’s cold shoulder spooks fathers everywhere into frustration in their relationships. However, I have discovered that we girls are not as hard to understand as we may seem!

Today’s decoding strategy comes straight from the one Man in all of history who always got it right when it came to relationships. You may know who I’m talking about: Jesus. I figure there’s no better example than learning from the best!

During His time on earth he met two sisters, Martha and Mary, and they were close, personal friends of Jesus. He knew them and they knew him. For better or worse. Let’s pick up the story (from Luke 10:38-42 if you want to look it up later) where Martha is overly reactive, super stressed, and basically freaking out.

If you can relate to experiencing any of those realities in your home, listen to what Jesus (with his male energy) did to enter the fray with his frazzled female friend.

Here are the 5 “easy” steps to decoding and relating to your daughter, especially during those times when things are emotionally intense.

1. He lets her vent to Him while He listens to all of it.
Even when she dramatically tells Jesus that he “doesn’t care” (false assumptions always take place during meltdowns) she continues by crying about having to do everything “by myself.” And if that wasn’t enough, she then barks at Jesus and demands that he tell her sister to help her. Surprisingly, he doesn’t lecture but listens and essentially absorbs her intensity by being her sounding board.

2. He says her name twice…gently and lovingly.
There’s something calming when any of us hear our name. And for us girls, it’s grounding for us to be spoken to by name. If you speak your daughter’s name with love in your tone and in a gentle way, she will come towards you---maybe not right away, but it is a powerful, healing strategy that works.

3. He sits with her in her emotional reality.
Notice that he doesn’t try and talk her out of what she’s feeling or try to get her to think rationally. No lecture. No criticism. Jesus knows that she couldn’t hear it anyway while being so worked up. So, he simply stays with her, looks at her, validates her, and puts words to what she’s feeling, calling it “worry” and “upset.” He tenderly names her emotions. No judgment.

4. He highlights all that is on her life plate.
As girls we are wired to multi-task. That’s why we can talk on the phone, paint our nails, watch a show, and do homework…all at the same time! Yet all of a sudden, we reach the end of our rope and implode. Again, this is where we need gentle grace not power positions. Jesus just told Martha that he knew she had “many things” going on, leading to her melt down. How kind of him to notice. If you validate all that is pressing in on your daughter, your words will go long and far to make her feel heard and understood.

5. He directs her to focus on one thing.
Jesus tells her that “only one thing is needed.” The implication is that it’s about focusing on Him as the one thing rather than all the needs around her. When we girls get overwhelmed with the much, we need gentle, supportive guidance to take it one thing at a time. Breaking it down into bite size pieces is immensely helpful when we’re breaking down.

Summing up: When your daughter is melting down sit alongside her and listen to her vent. Move towards her, and lovingly say her name. Tell her that you understand that she is “worried and upset.” Let her know you do see that she has a lot on her plate, and assist in helping her to focus on one issue.

I know it’s easier said than done, but these 5 things will make all the difference in the eye of the storm when you are there trying to keep up with her complexity. And after the storm has passed, the main thing your daughter will remember is that you Dad were there in it with her.

You're Not Wearing THAT, Are You?

When dads ask me questions about how to be a better parent to their daughters, the scenarios range from how to handle blue hair to short dresses to low cut shirts to tight pants. There’s nothing more horrifying for a dad than to see his daughter heading out to face the world in something that shows way too much booty (or any body part, for that matter!)

One such thought-provoking question was posed to me when I spoke to a group of men who had gathered early one Friday morning at their kids’ school for an event called Dads and Donuts (a monthly forum where dads came to the campus, listened to a speaker, and connected with each other…all while being “bribed” by a plethora of free donuts!)

Grant spoke up first and said,

“My daughter is in 7th grade and we got into it just this morning. She was heading out the door to school when I caught a glimpse of what she was wearing. There was absolutely no way I was okay seeing her in an outfit that was clinging to her body and showing that much skin. I told her she couldn’t wear it, and of course, the sparks flew. My question to you is: How could I have handled that situation differently?”

Right then, with every dad staring at me, waiting for the “magic answer,” I realized that they were all commiserating with him and feeling his pain. They all knew he needed an answer that would fix the problem…today. With that reality in mind, I responded by saying,

“My guess is that once your daughter was upset with you, the whole intense interaction between you escalated, which caused her mom to jump in to comfort your daughter, then leading mom to be angry with you because they were your comments that led to her daughter crying and it was your fault. So not only was your daughter upset with you, but now mom was too.”

It was then that Grant blurted out, “Were you at our house this morning?!”, prompting laughter from all the guys, which I heard as the incredible sound of communal support and commiseration.

I took a breath and continued,

“The first thought that comes to my mind is that it’s never a good idea to have a confrontation when your daughter is on her way OUT the door. She had probably already put her outfit together the night before and had matched her makeup and her hair to coordinate with her outfit. And now you wanted her to change it all in a matter of minutes. There is no way that we as girls can change course that fast, especially when it comes to our clothes.

It was then and there that Grant’s look of distress immediately turned to a relieved smile. “That would have been really good to have known this morning!”

I realize that I don’t have all the answers about how to be a dad to a daughter, but having been a teenage girl, I responded to this dad out of how I wished my own dad had responded to me when I was her age. I do think it’s easy for dads to unnecessarily pull “the power card” with their maturing daughters when in the long run that stance isn’t always helpful in areas that aren’t about life or death.

Instead, I encourage you dads to work at listening to your daughter’s point of view on these kinds of tricky issues because the truth is that she’ll be out of your house before you know it and then she’ll be making decisions on her own. You may have to meet her halfway and concede sometimes. If you only tell her what you think and rule with a heavy hand (e.g., “No daughter of mine is going out of the house looking like THAT!"), she won’t learn HOW to think and make good decisions on her own if you always make them for her.

I know you’re trying to protect her and that’s awesome. But truthfully, it’s more about HOW you navigate the situation with her than anything. It’s about your tone of voice and body language that will make or break the conversation (and timing, of course). Come to her with a calm stance and not anger. Approach her the way you’d want your boss or colleague to approach you---with respect. Treat her the way you want to be treated.

That, my friend, is the best way to prepare your daughter for adulthood.

So how about ending with an action step today. Since this blog is about the clothes your daughter wears, what if you were to surprise her by telling her that you want to take her to the store for no particular reason and let her pick out one new item of clothing! I assure you that she’ll always remember that event with you (and that item) for the rest of her life.

Then while you’re at the store with her, she’ll be choosing something that has a memory of you tied to it. And when she wears it out of the house, you can be the first one to smile, wink at her, and say, “You’re wearing THAT today? You, my dear, look beautiful!”

The ABC's of Fathering a Daughter

Ever since the release of John Gray’s book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, many of us have been referring to women as “Venusians” and men as “Martians.”

I realize that guys got the short end of the stick on that label in being called “Martians” (sorry men!), but regardless of descriptions, this book really does sum up the obvious: men and women are from two different planets.

And even though we’re living in an era where gender equality and gender fluidity are hot button issues with the blending together of distinctions that differentiate our two species, my firm belief is this:

As males and females, we don’t think the same. We don’t talk the same. We don’t feel the same. We don’t live the same. Our wiring is different. Our needs are different. Our priorities are different…and on it goes.

This brings to mind something that one of the men in my dad’s group said a few years ago. Andy wasn’t sure of the name of the original book title so in talking about the differences between men and women he said,

“Women really are from Venus and men are from…is it Pluto?!”

He didn’t say it to be funny, but we all roared with laughter. I told him that I actually liked his version better than the original!

Experts say that the distance between Mars and Venus is anywhere between 35 and 222 million miles while the distance between Venus and Pluto is actually three billion miles. Truth be told, this larger number is probably more accurate in reflecting the gap between men and women much of the time, wouldn’t you agree?!

For a lot of dads who are on this journey of intentionally pursuing their daughter’s hearts after there’s been distance or challenge, they resign themselves to believing their relationship can’t be any closer than it is now.

They inadvertently accept that the three-billion-mile gap is something that can’t be changed.

So I’m standing here shouting a message of hope to these dads---and to each of you--- saying,

“Yes, it can be changed…and healed…
but YOU are the one who has to move your planet closer to hers.”

If you’re ready to step forward as a dialed-in dad, either to take the first step or keep the proactive steps going, here’s a starting place for change that I simply call “The ABC’s of Fathering.”

Action.

I’m guessing that every one of you had a favorite superhero growing up. I’m also guessing that the reason you identified with your particular crime fighter was because he took action. Could you even imagine an impotent, lethargic, unmotivated, and distracted version of your champion? Of course not!

It’s the same with fathering. In order to be your daughter’s superhero, you have to take action to intentionally and consistently pursue her heart. And by “heart” I am referring to her core self that feels passionate and comes alive when being all of who she was created to be.

You probably already have a handle on what action steps touch your daughter’s heart, but in case you would like an extra idea or two, action ideas include (but are not limited to): daily affirming her in written or verbal ways, showing up at events she is involved in, patiently holding her emotional reactivity, being present with your attention, listening fully, investing financially, and leading spiritually.

Be the man you want her to marry.

The best way you can ensure that your daughter will marry a quality guy and not a dud is to model the kind of man you want her to walk down the aisle to. You communicate more about her value and worth by the way you treat her than any lecture you could ever give. Stated otherwise, more is caught than taught. Let her experience in real time what it feels like to be treated like a lady by you, the first man who held her heart and the one guy in the world who doesn’t have a hidden agenda in loving her.

Consistency.

There is a powerful Bible verse that says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is like a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12). This essentially means that if you make a promise to your daughter, keep it so she doesn’t have to live with unfulfilled or dashed hope. And the result of being a promise-keeping, heart-pursuing, truth-speaking, tender-loving, stay-the-course dad is a daughter:

• Whose heart will stay open (the opposite of a “sick heart”)

• Who will be a vibrant, growing, maturing, life-giving “tree”

• Who will have greater self-confidence, more emotional stability, and succeed in reaching her life goals (all of this is confirmed by research)

So there it is. Your “A-B-C” formula with an action plan that works if you work it. And there’s no better time than the present to kick these ABC’s into action in order to be the dad you want to be and the dad your daughter needs you to be.

How NOT to Make it Worse When Your Daughter is Grieving a Loss

Dad, you may have been raised in a family where showing emotions like sadness or fear weren’t tolerated, especially for boys. Perhaps you heard messages like, “real men don’t cry” because “only sissies show weakness.”

Sadly, as a result of this type of conditioning, there are too many men who don’t know how to truly connect to their emotions and have never learned how to release any feeling other than anger. (If this is you, I highly recommend a fantastic book by my good friend Marc Alan Schelske titled The Wisdom of Your Heart: Discovering the God-Given Purpose and Power of Your Emotions.)

Yet because daughters have a unique way of reaching their dads’ hearts, I’ve observed that men are easily inspired to go to greater depths within themselves in order to connect with their girls, often to places they didn’t even know they were capable of going. And since girls and women tend to respond best to softer emotions, a daughter unwittingly leads the way for her dad to expand his emotional bandwidth just for her.

And because the strongest bond any of us can ever have with another person is called a trauma bond, as you enter into your daughter’s grief process with her, a deeper, lasting bond is forming.

When it comes to walking alongside your daughter through such painful life experiences as loss and death, the best gift you can give her is to stay with her through her emotional process. This kind of response communicates that you’re in it with her for as long as it takes to express all her tears, fears, and questions.

For most people, grief doesn’t have an expiration date, so this is all about pacing with her through the entirety of the process according to her time frame.

If you find yourself wanting your daughter to get over her sadness quickly because it increases your distress to see her in pain, remember that your goal is to provide a safe space for her to emote and talk about her grief.

This will set her on the pathway to healing while simultaneously deepening her attachment to you.

And don’t ever tell her not to feel what she’s feeling and never give her the message that she’s weak for crying.

Even if you don’t understand all that she’s feeling (in power and duration), if you remain cognizant of the fact that you don’t need to fix her or take away her pain, you’ll discover that your presence with her in her sadness is a forever gift.

I’m attaching a list of questions here that will help you lead the way in giving your daughter permission to open up to you about her feelings of loss and grief---whether it’s the death of a loved one (a person or pet), not getting a job promotion, not making the team, or ending a relationship, whether romantic or otherwise, to name a few.

And whether you know it or not, your shoulders were made for this kind of heavy lifting.

So with a bit of practice, you’ll get stronger and more adept at entering into the tough stuff with your daughter. I’ll even go as far as saying that by carrying her load with her through asking questions that allow her to express what’s inside and actively listening, you’ll help decrease the negative intensity of her experience by 50%.

Now that’s a worthy use of your time and energy, wouldn’t you say? Go Dad!

Teaching Your Daughter to Stand Up to You (Guest Blog by Jim Jackson)

Today's guest blog is written by Jim Jackson, co-founder of Connected Families and co-author of Discipline that Connects with Your Child's Heart with his wife Lynne Jackson. Their ministry and overall mission is to inspire and equip parents with resources such as online courses, podcasts, and more in light of real-life circumstances. I hope that Jim's story of his daughter touches your heart today.
~ Dr. Michelle

Early in life it became clear that my little girl, Bethany, loved pleasing people. If what she wanted was not what others wanted, she'd give in to the energy of whomever it was she was eager to please. This is a great trait when obedience to a parent was the issue, but not so great when it came to standing up for herself on the playground. For a short season I would figuratively pat myself on the back whenever Bethany quickly and willingly did what I asked. What a great parent I was! Or not.

Maybe the way kids respond to our parenting is not as much about our great (or not so great) parenting as it is about the combination of their personality, developmental stage, and in Bethany's case, fear of disappointing.

As I thought more deeply about it, I realized that in order to keep the peace and please people, Bethany would say yes to things that it might be best for her to say no to. For example, her grandma used to love to give Bethany a big kiss every time she saw her. Not just any kiss, but a big sloppy wet kiss. I knew that Bethany hated how this felt, but that she was more interested in pleasing Gramma than in standing up for herself. So she'd let Gramma kiss her, and then get anxious every time it was time to visit Gramma.

At first I didn't think it was a significant issue. But as I looked into her future it occurred to me that the sooner Bethany learned to stand up for herself when appropriate, the stronger she would be to set good boundaries for herself as she grew up. So I invented the "not the way it works" game.

The inspiration for the game came from Gramma, who before kissing 5-year-old Bethany would say, "If you love me, you'll give me a big kiss!" See what she did there? Of course Bethany wanted no part of not loving Gramma, so she'd oblige, even though she didn't like the kiss. Imagine how this could play out over time with others - particularly with young men. Not that any young man would ever use that phrase on my precious offspring - but just in case - the "not the way it works" game was born.

It started out simply enough. "Bethany" I'd say from the comfort of my recliner, "If you love me, you'll go get me a blanket." She'd bring the blanket and then I'd say, "Good. Now, if you love me, you'll give me a big kiss!" and I'd pucker up. I could see the discomfort of her tension, wanting to please, but not wanting my spit on her face. Just as she reluctantly turned my way I'd say, "Bethany. It's OK to say no to this if you don't want a kiss because you can love me but not kiss me. So give it a try."

It was hard for her at first, so I kept coaching her, several times a week, to say, "I love you daddy, but that's not the way it works!" I did it with fetching slippers, or scratching my back. Little by little she became more comfortable saying no.

The big test came when it was time to go to Gramma's. I worked with Bethany to respectfully let Gramma know that she was loved, but that Bethany didn't want a kiss. Bethany practiced, "I love you Gramma, but that's not the way it works. Can we just hug instead?" We high-fived!

When it was time Bethany followed the script perfectly. Gramma seemed hurt and later asked, why won't Bethany kiss me? I encouraged her to ask Bethany directly, which she did. Bethany responded, "I don't like lip kisses. I just like hugs." That seemed good enough for Gramma and has never been an issue since, and Bethany stopped being anxious about going to Gramma's.

Over the years I have played the "If you love me" game less frequently. Even into her 20's I'd play it once in awhile as a throwback, and Bethany still answers with confidence, "That's not the way it works!" The best news is that when pressed by young men to do things she’d rather not do she gives the same answer - with confidence.

I realize in the writing of this that there is a fine line between obeying parents and being manipulated by parents. Using this strategy over the years helped me better define that line and stay respectful not just of Bethany but of all three of my kids when making parental requests.

Today, Bethany has a healthy view of authority and sets good boundaries for herself in relationships of all kinds. She'd tell you today that she still struggles a bit with people-pleasing, but that it's never gotten her in any regrettable trouble. And she’ll also tell that Lynne and I both helped her learn what love without strings is all about, and she’s now making great relationships choices as she forges her way through life.

Why Is Dad No Fun?

Have your kids ever said or implied that you’re too serious, stern, lethargic, or less than enthusiastic? If so, you’ll appreciate hearing this story when I recently overheard these five words spoken by a very disappointed, disheartened girl: “Why is dad no fun?”

And if you’re like other dads, you’ve probably heard feedback from your kids about where you rank on the “fun scale.” Perhaps you’re a lot more engaged and active with your kids than your father was, which leads you to evaluate yourself high on this self-rated scale. But because your kids didn’t grow up in your era, their only point of reference is you. So as you read on, I invite you to look at this dynamic from a daughter’s perspective. 

The other day I walked into the most colorful store I’ve ever been in: the Crayola store at the Crown Center in Kansas City. The entire store is like being inside one big, bright box of crayons in every color imaginable. I was quickly mesmerized by the super creative artwork on every wall, as well as the oversized Crayola replicas that provided the perfect backdrops for selfies.

Not only that, but the place itself is a kid’s paradise with things to keep them engaged and entertained----from one-of-a-kind shades of Crayola and colored pencils and markers to paints, toys, and activity kits. They even had an entire section just for adult coloring!

So even as a big kid myself, I was captivated by the happy feel of the store and felt like I was walking back in time through my own childhood.

And because all good things must come to an end, I finally headed towards the main entrance, and that’s when I heard a 12-year old girl say five words that pierced the air:

“Why is Dad no fun?”

That’s when I saw her dad walk away from his family as she, her mom, and little brother walked under the big Crayola box entrance, pictured on the right. Clearly to this young girl, not having her dad there made the experience less than she had hoped for.

On one hand, this might not seem like a big deal. Isn’t dad entitled to shop where he prefers, specifically a store that isn’t covered with cutesy décor and colorful craft tables? Of course he is.

But on the other hand, his daughter still wanted him around and he missed an opportunity to connect with her in a way that had meaning and value to her.

She’s about to enter adolescence, and before her dad knows it, she’ll be leaving home. He’s got such a short time left with her under his roof, and if he misses bonding with her right now over what she wants to do, it won’t be long before she might be doing things he doesn’t want her to do.

So what is it that could make her vulnerable to unwise choices in just a year or two? It’s hungering for her dad’s attention, and if she doesn’t get it from him, she’ll go somewhere else to be seen, heard, and enjoyed.

Dad, I trust that this real life scenario serves to remind you to have fun with your daughter by enjoying what she enjoys. Even if you’re not a “Crayola Guy,” don’t lose sight of what your focus needs to be: your daughter, not the crayons.

Here’s your practical action step: Do one thing with your daughter this week just because she likes it. And as you see her light up and come alive, it’ll be win-win because you’ll be there to enjoy her while enjoying what she enjoys.

3 Crucial Questions A Dad Needs To Ask His Daughter

If you’re like most dads, you want clear, specific, practical, action-oriented ideas that work to connect with your daughter’s heart. I hear you and have something to share with you today that you're going to love: three questions to ask your daughter.

But first, here’s a few thoughts to set the stage for the conversation you’ll be having with her.

Since the launch of the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, I’ve been using John Gray’s terminology to describe my awareness that I, as a woman, live on Venus and you, Dad, live on Mars. I’ve found that this creative terminology helps to explain something we all know:

As men and women, we often miss each other’s intent and meaning in our communication because we speak two very different languages.

I’ve actually been planet hopping for over a decade, and the more traveling I do between our respective spheres, the more I’ve sought to transport observations I’ve made from my planet to yours…and vice versa.

One of the observations I’ve collected is something that I’ve noticed about many men. Essentially, it’s that you are often motivated by crisis or need. Stated otherwise: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

To illustrate, rather than focus on you as men, I’ll highlight an ordeal that my mom lived through.

When she was almost 80 years old, she was still working as an RN at the VA (Veterans Affairs). And being the vibrant and active woman that she was then, she typically walked an hour a day, five or six days a week. And though she began noticing a slight shortness of breath for about a year, she thought it was just part of the aging process and downplayed it.

But on one particular Monday, her symptoms intensified, and this started the fastball rolling when my dad rushed her to the ER that evening. Four days later she had emergency open heart surgery. Her surgeon said he’d performed 14,000 heart surgeries during his career and had never seen an aortic valve so calcified—86%! Yes, it’s a miracle that she survived, and thankfully she is still thriving today, six years later.

Here was the question we all asked back then: How could a woman who was very active and in seemingly fine health have such a huge blockage to her heart without any awareness?

Answer: Things had gradually been taking place in her body such that she had acclimated to the changes over time. And because there hadn’t been a crisis, there was no motivation to explore the apparent minor signs and symptoms that were signaling to her that there was a problem. A very serious problem.

Reality suddenly became clear when the crisis arose. And it was the crisis that changed everything.

We all agreed that it would have been so much better and wiser had she tuned into the warning signs before it got to the desperation-emergency-almost-lost-her point.

Here’s the reason I’m sharing this story with you today: to highlight that sometimes it’s the same way with your daughter.

It may seem like things are fine within herself and even between you. But what if more is going on under the surface that she…and you or her mom…aren’t tuning in to?

Maybe you’re assuming that everything is on par because there’s no obvious crisis or need and because she seems okay and hasn’t gotten into trouble or given you cause for concern. Or maybe she’s been a great kid who follows the rules, gets fantastic grades, and hasn’t rebelled. So you conclude that she’s all good and she’ll stay that way. This is where it’s key to have regular check in’s and check up’s, just like my mom will now be doing for the rest of her life.

Why not take time now to tune in by taking steps to connect with her insides (a.k.a. her heart and her mind, thoughts, ideas, fears, doubts, wonderings, questions, opinions, needs, longings, feelings, dreams, etc.) rather than risking the potential of emergency treatment down the road? At that desperation point it’s ten times harder to get a handle on things.

So here’s your action step and it’s probably not what you think! This isn’t about you asking your daughter how she’s doing. Instead, it’s about letting her give you feedback on how you’re doing as a dad….in relationship to her.

The reality is that this conversation will give her space to actually reveal some of her heart to you, which will in turn give you a glimpse into what she needs and wants.

Here are three questions you can ask your daughter today:

1. How am I doing as your dad overall? 

2. On a 0 to 10 scale, what rating would you give me right now as your dad (with 10 being the best, 0 being the worst)?

3. What can I work on to be a better dad to you?

It may be scary to ask these deeper questions, but I challenge you to do it anyway. And if she gives you a high score and says there’s no room for improvement, perhaps you could offer one idea that you believe would “up your game” so you are more engaged as her father.

Your daughter may or may not be honest with you, but you can still invite her to respond. She may not feel safe to answer if she fears your reaction. So assure her that you won’t get angry or be defensive. Tell her that you truly want to hear her thoughts and feelings. And if she doesn’t have the courage to tell you her thoughts face to face, suggest that she write her response and text it to you later.

If you want a better, stronger, healthier, and more vibrant relationship with your daughter, I encourage you to ask these three questions a minimum of once a year (option: meet every six months to re-evaluate).

Are you in? Now you have a script ready to go should you dare to accept this challenge!

I’d love to hear from you after you ask your daughter these questions. Write me at drmichellewatson@gmail.com

• Was it as hard as you thought it would be?

• Did she say what you thought she would say?

• Did you learn anything about yourself after hearing what she told you?

• Did she give you feedback that you can use to change course with her and better connect with her needs and heart space?

To Fight or Not To Fight, That is the Question: Navigating Dad-Daughter Conflicts

One of my favorite things is receiving emails from dads and daughters who ask questions about how to better their relationship. Not that I always have the perfect answer, but there’s something refreshing about an authentic, heart-felt inquiry that opens an honest interaction. I respect the courage it takes to ask vulnerable questions that have the potential to start movement towards proactive change.

Here’s a question I received not long ago from a young woman:

Hi Michelle,
I think it would be helpful if you talked to dads about how to handle disagreements. My stepdad and I had a big fight over the weekend and it left me feeling like although we have improved our daily relationship, nothing has changed when it comes to the big stuff. I think it would help the fathers that you work with to learn conflict resolution skills.

Dad, as you consider what she wrote, let me ask you a question:

Does this sound like a woman who wants a better relationship with her stepdad or one who doesn’t care about how they relate?

I tend towards believing that she must care about their relationship or she wouldn’t have written me. I also hear her implying that her stepdad bears the primary weight of responsibility in moving their relationship in a better direction, which happens to be something I agree with.
Here’s why:

• You, Dad, have to lead by example

• Change has to begin with you

• You must set the tone for how you want your daughter to respond to you and to others by modeling healthy interactions with her.

Let me be more specific. If your daughter yells at you and you yell back, you’ve just given her permission to speak similarly and you’re essentially condoning this kind of interpersonal dynamic in your family. And that is where things quickly disintegrate and deteriorate (which you already know, right?!). Therefore, you can’t justify a harsh reaction when she has a disrespectful response to you or there’s no parent in the lead.

You have to dig deep and pray a lot in order to model to her the response you want to see from her.

Believe it or not, your daughter doesn’t like it when her relationship with you is off kilter. In fact, we girls don’t do well when our primary relationships are out of sync. And guess what else I’ve discovered? You men want the same thing!

Here are a few ideas to help you as a father lead your daughter in resolving conflict:

Dad, I realize that it’s super hard, if not impossible, to pursue your daughter’s heart when one or both of you are angry. I encourage you to walk away in the heat of the moment and give yourself a break that is as long as your age. If you are 40, then take a 40-minute time out to breathe and calm down.

I also know that in order to lead your daughter in a way that is congruent with your heart goals you will need to embrace humility and gentleness while remembering how much she deeply matters to you (as opposed to focusing on her reaction to your reaction or vice versa)

This week I’d love to see you choose one thing from this list of ten resolution ideas and let me know how it works…in the trenches.

Turn the fight to right by leading with love. It’s the best way to diffuse a disagreement…every single time.