7 Things GirlDads “Hate” About Their Daughters…and What To Do About It!

With the holiday season officially underway, we know that pressures mount during this time of year like none other. It’s the excessive demands and numerous agendas and expectations, needs and schedules that push all of us past our normal capacity.

This is the perfect set up for what I call, “relational collisions.”

And yes, as a dad you have weight on your shoulders that your daughter knows nothing about (end-of-year deadlines, extra expenses, challenging family dynamics, etc.). Yet the truth is that your daughter has her own set of circumstances that overwhelm her and push her past her limits too.

So if you want to grow closer to your daughter this holiday season, here’s your survival guide!

I’ll start by validating you as a dad and sharing what most of you typically "hate" from your daughter, followed with practical suggestions about how to proactively and positively respond so that your relationship is strengthened, not hindered, over this next month.

Here are 7 things that tend to overwhelm most GirlDads coupled with strategies for what you can do about it:

1. DRAMA--- You may prefer for your daughter to respond in a calm manner while clearly expressing her feelings and needs. And then You remember back to when she was younger and you could tell her that her tone wouldn’t be tolerated. But the older she’s gotten, the less control you have over her when she uses “that tone of voice.”

Proactive Dad Strategy: You give your daughter a profound gift when she experiences being emotionally “held’ by you without criticism or condensation. This is how she will bond to you when she feels how much you care and love her, especially during a meltdown. This is what “fixing it” looks like to your daughter because when you’re her sounding board and safe place, you help decrease her stress by being in it with her.

2. DIALOGING TOO MUCH (a.k.a. over-talking)--- You may prefer that your daughter “get to the point already” and for her to say what she means more quickly. You’ve discovered that she’s just getting warmed up when you're past your listening limit. One expert says that women speak 20,000 words a day while men speak 7,000. Enough said. You’ve lived it!

Proactive Dad Strategy: When you listen twice as much as you talk while asking more questions than giving answers, you support your daughter in finding her own voice. This is how she learns to problem-solve because she figures things out by talking. If you listen with the belief that she is smart and wise, you’ll be less apt to give answers and will invest more time in asking questions where she learns to figure things out as you cheer her on.

3. DISRESPECT--- This is a BIG one for dads, especially when you step in to defend mom (or her siblings) when your daughter isn’t respecting her (or them). And that’s when things escalate quickly. The truth is that you’re simply trying to de-escalate the situation for everyone, yet you suddenly become “the bad guy.” Then you feel attacked, unsupported, underappreciated, and alone.

Proactive Dad Strategy: If you weren’t there for the whole interaction, and your daughter accuses you of taking everyone else’s side but hers, it's important to take time to listen as she explains. I know this is easier said than done, but the book of Proverbs really does have a good solution here: A soft answer turns away anger. That’s your solution to win the war. Lead by example and soften your tone. Don’t use anger to deal with her anger. Show her what respect looks like in action even when her intensity pushes every button inside you. Give yourself a time out to collect your thoughts while remembering that there’s always a solution and this doesn’t need to be the mountain you die on. You’ll always benefit from coming back later when the air clears with less chance of saying something you’ll regret.

4. DISMISSAL--- When you experience your daughter disregarding, diminishing or dismissing you (or your input), this is a huge trigger for dads. It’s because you want to feel valued and important. You long for your relationship to be like it was when she was younger. You’re trying to figure out why she doesn’t seem to value your input or time with you like she did when she was younger. Now she doesn’t want as much time with you and you watch her make time for other relationships than you.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Ask yourself if you have you dismissed her or caused her to feel devalued or unimportant. If so, make amends. Then realize that some of this might be her stage of development where she’s wanting to “separate and individuate” as a pre-teen or teenager who is responding in ways that are within normal limits. It may help to type these words into your search engine: “what is typical pre-adolescent and adolescent stages of development?” to better understand what’s going on in her brain and body. Or there could be dynamics in her personal relationships that make it hard to open up with you because she’s needing more emotional responsiveness and tenderness. If so, commit to being the dad she’ll want to talk to and the one whose shoulder she can cry on, even if it’s not happening in the ways you’d like it to right now.

5. DISAGREEMENTS--- There’s nothing harder than seeing your relationship disintegrate as conflict intensifies between you, and your daughter rises up to challenge or attack you. That's when it’s very difficult, if not seemingly impossible, to stand upright and steady when the blasts come. Sometimes it may even seem like she’s forgetting or walking away from the way you raised her.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Instead of interpreting her responses as personal rejection, seek to understand her position more than your own. Take time to explore what she’s saying and feeling. Ask more questions than ever before as you hold to the truth that disagreements are not necessarily negative, but can be a place where growth happens while your daughter is learning to think for herself. The beliefs and opinions she has today may not be where she lands tomorrow, or the next day, month or year. Give her room to change her mind. And be honest in letting her know that you’re struggling to figure this out with her but want to grow in being the dad she needs who doesn’t dominate or belittle her in this process of becoming a woman who uses her voice out in the world like she’s learned to do at home.

6. DISTRESS--- When your daughter is suffering or in pain, you want to do everything in your power to fix things and help her feel better. Sometimes she welcomes your support, and at other times she rejects it. As a result, you feel helpless, which then increases your own distress levels because there’s not a solution or remedy. Then you feel what she’s feeling (even if you don’t admit it) and see that she’s still hurting.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Remind yourself that your daughter will grow stronger by overcoming obstacles, navigating conflicts (especially relational ones), and learning to self-regulate in emotionally difficult times. As she processes and problem solves, she’ll internalize the belief that she can do hard things. She’ll discover that she’s more resilient than she knew she was at the onset of the problem. Keep affirming that she’s like a caterpillar who’s turning into a butterfly and her wings will get stronger as she learns to push her way out of the confined, dark space (cocoon). Once she’s airborne, she’ll forget how hard the struggle was and see the value in it while she soars to higher heights. You can give her this perspective while remembering that you truly are making it better by listening and showing empathy.

7. DISTANCE--- I talk to a lot of dads about how much their hearts hurt due to distance from their daughters. Sometimes the distance is tied to divorce where she feels loyal to her mom and is caught in the crossfire. Other times she’s making poor choices and doesn’t want you to be disappointed in her. Regardless, there’s no upside to distance.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Don’t lose heart during the seasons where your daughter is radio silent. I know it’s excruciating to wait when you long to be close to her again. I suggest two things: 

1. Write a list of prayers for her during this time.

2. Write in a journal that you’ll give her when the door is open again where you share thoughts, dreams, memories, prayers, wishes and affirmations.

There you have it, Dad: 7 practical strategies for proactively navigating this Christmas season so you can end the year in a powerfully positive way with your daughter. Go Dad!

12 Reasons Why I'm Thankful For GirlDads: The Thanksgiving Edition

Since we’re all preparing for Thanksgiving next week, I decided to celebrate early by giving you a dose of encouragement, Dad, with 12 specific reasons why I’m grateful for you.

And even if you’re not relationally solid with your daughter right now, the fact remains that you have value and impact, whether you’re close or far away from her. 

Having walked alongside girls and young women for the past 40+ years, I can undoubtedly say that a father is one of the most important influences in his daughter’s life, as research also confirms. (Some even say her father is the most important influence in her life).

You, Dad, shape her identity and build (or diminish) her confidence more than almost anyone else. You, Dad, lay the foundation of who she is and who she sees herself to be, and one positive word or action from you can instantly turn a bad day into a good one.

In keeping with this theme, here’s 12 more ways to highlight why you matter and why I’m celebrating you today:

1. Your opinion carries significant weight in your daughter’s life. (Even if your daughter says or acts like your input isn’t important, it does).

2. Your attentive presence communicates more per square inch than you’d imagine. (I’m not sure why it does, but it does; you’ll just have to believe me on that one!). When you’re around, she feels safe.

3. When you show up, she internalizes that she is worthy and valuable.

4. When you provide for her needs, she settles into knowing and believing she’ll be okay and be taken care of.

5. When you look at her, you’re affirming that she really does have value. (Eye contact is vitally important if you want her to feel special and worth your time).

6. Your smile, when directed towards her, reflects that she’s loved and special.

7. You make her day better by remembering what matters to her, especially the little things. (Even if you think those little things are silly or unimportant).

8. When you’re proud of her, she thrives and rises to the occasion with more enthusiasm and motivation to prove to herself that she’s strong and competent.

9. Your support and encouragement makes her believe she can do anything (because she’ll internalize and embrace this positive gift from you).

10. When you lead by example (by modeling humility, admitting fault, choosing forgiveness, releasing offenses, being grateful and kind, having a good attitude, spending time investing in people and projects, being generous, etc.), it doesn’t matter what everyone else says or does because you’re showing her what it looks like in action.

11. Even if everything comes crashing down around her, when you’re in her corner, cheering her on, she picks herself up and keeps believing in herself.

12. You have the privilege of leading your daughter to connect with her Heavenly Father by expressing His attributes to her (a.k.a. heart pursuit, unconditional love, consistent provision, protection, etc.).

There it is---12 specific things to encourage your heart today, Dad, and remind you why you matter in your daughter’s life.

I’m thankful for each of you and the way you’re positively influencing your daughter by being intentional and consistent as you pursue her heart. I truly believe we will be a healthier country from the ground up with healthier women….and that’s where you come in!

To sum up, from my heart to yours on this week of thanksgiving, I simply say, “Thanks, Dad.”

Why My Video About Dads and Anger Went Viral

I recently experienced something for the first time in my life: One of my videos went viral!

Over 3.4 million people have viewed a little 47-second clip on Instagram where I shared about the vital importance of a dad dropping his anger…and it exploded! The clip came from a two-hour interview I did with my friend, Jim Ramos of Men in the Arena, when his team posted this snippet as we talked about the importance of a dad’s active role in the life of his daughter.

Before going any further, here are the actual words I spoke in it:

“Awhile back I met a dad with a 2 ½ year old daughter who said: Tell me what I need to know [as a #girldad] in 20 seconds. Go!

Without hesitating, I responded: I’ll do you one better. I’ll give you just three words:
DROP. YOUR. ANGER. You will do more damage to her heart through your anger than anything else.

Your anger crushes the core of who she is.
Your anger destroys her spirit.
Your anger shuts her down.
Your anger will make her stop trying.
Your anger will be internalized by her and she will believe she’s not worthy and that she’s unloveable.

So the best gift you can give your daughter is to make a commitment right now to set a foundation to never respond to her in anger.”

As you can imagine, hundreds of comments poured in, and the large majority of them broke my heart.

Here are some examples:

“My father was always mad. I honestly never saw him happy or content when I was a child. He would come home and scream and yell and punch the wall over trivial things. It was terrifying. He'd apologize sometimes but that just taught me to expect explosive anger. I never thought I could be good enough for someone. It's funny that my father was extremely angry and my ex-husband treated me the same way he did.”

“I think anger is a human emotion, not to be avoided. The real issue is how to resolve things after anger has been displayed. It can be very powerful to show your kids that adults are just as fallible. Talking about one's anger and showing your daughter that she's not the cause of the anger is more valuable than walking around trying to be perfect. It also allows for one's own personal growth to be more organic.”

“As a woman who grew up with an angry dad, this is so on point ... I surely shut down and ran away from my dad emotionally after awhile ... I could barely make eye contact with my dad ... I always felt like he didn't love me and I felt unlovable for years, by him and other men ... It took God through prayer to show me that my dad was in his own pain and didn't know how to love, and I began to approach him differently and I know now it wasn't personal."

These stories highlight that:

1. Scars and wounds from a dad’s anger are real...and they’re lasting.

2. We have an opportunity to move forward through forgiveness to heal from our father wounds.

The reason I believe this video went VIRAL is because it resonated with people’s stories regarding their father’s anger, and this validated their experiences.  

Anger is our signal that we’ve been betrayed or violated. And if we don’t deal with those issues, we’ll spin around in anger and it will devour us while destroying relationships.

If you’re ready to begin looking at the roots of your anger to see what’s underneath, here are some suggestions about where to start:

1. When you notice your emotions intensifying, walk away to catch your breath and you’ll have a higher likelihood of responding later in a way that is congruent with your heart and love for those around you.

2. Realize that if you’re hitting an 8, 9 or 10 (on a 0 to 10 scale of intensity), it’s your own stuff that’s being activated, even if it feels like it’s the impact of what’s happening around you.

3. Ask yourself: When have I felt like this before? Go back to when you were young since it most likely started long ago. (For example: You may have a familiar feeling of being helpless, controlled, overpowered or disrespected). The current intensity may be tied to something in your history.

4. Allow Jesus, God or Truth to reveal to you any truths about who you are and what you need. (For example: I can ask for what I need now, I can leave and come back, I am worthy of being respected, loved and valued, etc.).

5. Be willing to ask forgiveness and make amends with those you’ve hurt.

6. Meet with a trusted friend or mentor and share your story while receiving support through the process. (One other option is to schedule an appointment with me where we can meet over Zoom to explore your anger and move toward resolution).

Dad, here’s my final challenge to you: Take one step today to be a courageous dad who models to your kids what it looks like to own your stuff, drop your anger, make amends, and walk in new ways.

This is how you can become the dad you want to be…and your kids need you to be.

Let’s keep the conversation going so we can see a new video go viral where kids and adults of all ages start posting powerful, positive stories of their lives changing for the better when their dads dropped their anger. Go Dads!

5 SPOOK-Proof Strategies for Solving the Mystery of Your Daughter

With Halloween being just around the corner, I thought it would be fun to talk today about how you as dads can solve the MYSTERY of your daughter in ways that are less SPOOKY or SCARY.

I often hear fathers tell me their daughters are complicated and complex, sometimes even downright confusing. Yet, believe it or not, I’ve discovered that we girls are not as hard to understand as we may appear. If you, Dad, are open incorporating these insights into your daily rhythms, you’ll see how quickly your daughter will respond to you more positively. Let me say it another way:

The more you understand your daughter’s wiring and core needs, the less of a MYSTERY she’ll be to you.

These five spook-proof strategies for decoding your daughter come from one of my favorite stories in the Bible.

Quick backstory: Mary and Martha are sisters who were close personal friends of Jesus. He was like family to them and loved their brother too. Jesus knew them and they knew him. I love the way Jesus related specifically to Martha, the more dramatic of the two women, during a time when she was overly reactive, totally stressed, and basically freaking out.

If you can relate to experiencing any of these realities with the women in your home or life, you’ll appreciate learning what Jesus did (with his male energy) to enter the fray with his frazzled female friend. I guarantee if you follow His lead, you and your daughter will benefit.

1. He lets her vent to Him while He listens to all of it.

Even when Martha dramatically blurts out that Jesus “doesn’t care” (false assumptions always take place during meltdowns), she continues by crying about having to do everything “by myself.” And if that wasn’t enough, she then barks at Jesus and demands that he tell her sister to help her. Surprisingly, he doesn’t lecture, but listens and absorbs her intensity by being her sounding board.

2. He says her name twice….gently and lovingly.

There’s something calming when any of us hear our name. And for us girls, it’s grounding for us to be spoken to by name. If you speak your daughter’s name with love in your tone and in a gentle way, she will come towards you----maybe not right away, but it is a powerful, healing strategy that works.

3. He sits with her in her emotional reality.

Notice that he doesn’t try and talk her out of what she’s feeling or try to get her to think rationally. No lecture. No criticism. Jesus knows that she couldn’t hear it anyway while being so worked up. So he simply stays with her, looks at her, validates her, and puts words to what she’s feeling, calling it “worry” and “upset.” He tenderly names her emotions. No judgment.

4. He highlights all that is on her life plate.

As girls we are wired to multi-task. That’s why we can talk on the phone, paint our nails, watch a show, and do homework…all at the same time! Yet all of a sudden we reach our max and then comes the explosion. Again, this is where we need gentle grace not power positions. Jesus lets Martha know that he knew she indeed did have “many things” going on, which led to her meltdown. If you validate all that is pressing in on your daughter, your words will go far to make her feel heard and understood (which is empathy---compassionately looking at her life through her eyes).

5. He directs her to focus on one thing.

Jesus tells her that “only one thing is needed.” The implication is that it’s about focusing on Him as the one thing rather than all the needs around her. I’ll take this theme one step further and add that when we girls get overwhelmed with the “too much to do and not enough time” reality, we need gentle, supportive guidance to take it one thing at a time. Breaking it down into bite size pieces is immensely helpful when we’re breaking down.

3 Things Moms Do that Damage the Dad-Daughter Bond (Guest Blog by Connie Patty)

Connie Patty has been my best friend for over 40 years and I’m excited for you to read her words of wisdom today that are for MOMS so you can help support the relationship between your daughter and her dad. 
~ Dr. Michelle

I’ve been asked the question: What have you observed about the ways that women can undermine their husbands---or if divorced, their daughter’s father?

I can honestly say I’ve not just seen the impact of disempowerment, but I’ve done it as well. Yet hopefully after being a mom now for nearly 33 years, I’ve learned from some of those mistakes! 

Shortly after my husband and I were married 36 years ago, we came up with something we called, “The Ten Amendments to our Marriage Vows,” and one of the vows we made directly ties into this question about disempowering the fathers of our kids. My husband and I agreed that we would be THE PRESIDENT OF EACH OTHER’S FAN CLUB and never talk poorly of the other person in public.

That gave me such a good foundation once we started having kids. 

As I look back over my journey and reflect on conversations I’ve had with other moms, there are THREE THINGS I would recommend to every woman if she wants to help strengthen the bond her daughter has with her dad.

1. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT HIM WHEN HE’S NOT AROUND

One of the greatest ways moms negatively influence their children is by the words they speak when talking about their father when he’s not there. Yes, sometimes there are extenuating circumstances, but most of the time there are choices we can make to live by biblical principles that could change the whole course of our kids’ relationships with their dads by the ways that we speak about him! 

For instance, in our family we were very committed to the verse in Ephesians that says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building up others that it may benefit those who listen!” That means that if I’m frustrated by something my husband is doing, or not doing, in that moment I can choose words that are either wholesome or unwholesome.

2. STOP SPEAKING IN A DISRESPECTFUL TONE TOWARDS HIM

Another thing women do to disempower their husbands (or daughter’s dads) is to speak with a degrading tone. 

If my husband says, “Have you seen my keys?,” I can walk over to the spot where they are, dangle them in front of him, and say, “They’re here”…which means, “They’re here, stupid.” Or I can respond with a completely different tone of voice by simply saying, “Here they are!”

Moms can pass on a sinful pattern of disrespect, which can be detrimental to the father-daughter, father-son relationship later on. 

So the tone a mom sets in the household with how she speaks ABOUT her husband and how she speaks TO her husband can have profound impact on the relationship her kids have with their dad.

3. DON’T WITHHOLD THE KEY TO UNDERSTANDING HER HEART

Our daughter had years of difficult health problems that required a lot of time where I took her to doctors and hospitals. Because of that, we developed a bond and strength in our relationship that didn’t always leave a lot of room for her dad. I knew all the specifics about what she was dealing with and what she needed, and I related to her with an ease that I often wished my husband had with her as well. 

And even though I knew that she was unusually bonded to me because of those trials, I wanted my husband to have that same level of bonding. Plus, I was frustrated when I could see and hear that he was “missing her.”

For several years I watched the two of them not experiencing closeness in their relationship. 

But I’ll be honest…I didn’t do anything to help my husband understand her either. I was the one who went to all the appointments, and held her when she cried. I made the trips with her when we needed medical help. And yet, in some ways I held it against my husband that he wasn’t close to her. (I know…it was terrible!)

But I remember when she was in her early teen years, and started expressing frustration about her dad (at that point he was actually trying to get close to her), something finally clicked in me and I realized that I probably had the key to understanding her heart…and that I needed to give him that key. 

We had some long talks where I helped him understand:

• Who she was

• What her thought processes were like

• What kinds of things meant a lot to her 

• The ways I saw that he could be successful at building a meaningful relationship with her

This changed everything! 

We were now a team in helping him have a good relationship with her. I was no longer holding out on him with information that could move them forward. Instead, I was looking for ways that would help them connect. 

To every mom reading this, hear my heart when I say that looking back with 20/20 hindsight, I wish I’d spoken up sooner and helped my husband know, understand, and relate to our daughter.

Make a renewed commitment today not to damage the relationship your daughter has with her dad by being conscious of your words, your tone, and going the extra mile to hand over the keys! 

(If you’d like to listen to the original interview with Connie Patty titled, “How Moms Can Support the Dad-Daughter Connection," click here)

6 BOLD Ideas to BUILD Your Dad-Daughter BOND

With the new school year underway, this is a perfect time for you as a dad to join in adopting a growth mindset to strengthen and build the bond you have with your daughter. This translates to making a commitment over the next nine months of this school year to grow and learn even more when it comes to “studying” your daughter. 

Here are SIX BOLD strategies that will have A BIG impact on your relationship with your daughter this next year:

1. Regularly check in and ask if you've hurt her heart

I love the story of a father in Southern Oregon who asks his five-year old daughter one question every night as he tucks her in bed, "Has daddy been sharp with you today?" Talk about bold and brave! He’s keeping short accounts with his girl while making sure that he’s not allowing wounds to fester. 

What would it take for you to ask that bold question every day of your daughter? 

Preferably in person, but texting or emailing works as an option. This means you're keeping short accounts with her and not letting hurt or resentment build. This means you’re modeling humility and openness when receiving honest feedback. Your lack of defensiveness will yield powerful dividends both now and into the future as you show your daughter that you don't have to be perfect to be in relationship. 

2. Affirm her once a day

I promise you there’s not a day that goes by where your daughter isn’t hurt by someone, somewhere, somehow. It’s just the way it is with girls. And because we as women thrive when our relationships are in harmony, this means when hurts cumulate, they have a toxic, destructive influence. With your daughter, this will undermine her confidence, calling, gifts, perspective, mood, etc.

So imagine the power that one positive, life-breathing, affirming message from you can have. It can turn her whole day around for the better. It’ll only take about one minute of your time to text her. But why not change it up sometimes and tell her in person one positive trait or character quality or beautiful aspect to who she is. And for extra credit, send her a card in your own handwriting (or if she’s still at home, put it somewhere unexpected where she’ll be surprised when she finds it!) to give her something to read and reread. She’ll treasure it on an especially hard day.

3. Listen twice as much as you talk

This is the whole "God gave us two ears and one mouth" thing as a reminder that it's a good rule of thumb to guide the ratio of talking to listening in our relationships…2:1. 

Do you mostly tell your daughter what you think and expect or do you draw her out to find out why she had the reaction she did, what hurts her heart, how she’s processing complex relational dynamics, questions she has that may not make sense to you, etc.? 

I'll be the first to admit that it's REALLY hard work to actively listen (and I do this for a living!). It's so much easier to formulate my opinion, defense or position rather than REALLY hearing first what the other person has to say…in its entirety. 

As a dad, if you take the time to ask your daughter questions like, "What was the best part of your day and why?" and "What was the worst part of your day and why?," and then listen until you think you can't listen any more, your daughter will trust you with the deepest things in her heart because you set the foundation by listening. 

4. Put your money where your mouth is

To state the obvious, it costs a lot to raise a child these days. It seems like every time you turn around, there’s more expenses that bleed you dry and overextend your resources. Am I right or am I right?!

Yet your daughter is growing up in a day and time where she doesn’t have control over the cost of living, the price of gas, tax increases, school and sports fees, and on it goes. 

Although you feel the stress and burden of providing for your family, if you can find creative ways here or there to purchase something over and above for your daughter, she’ll always remember it in years to come.

Jesus knew what he was talking about when he said there’s a strong correlation between your treasures (money) and your heart (which, in this scenario, is your daughter). 

5. Pray daily for who you want your daughter to become

Even if prayer isn’t your thing, I challenge you to take a 3 x 5 card and start with writing three words on it. Write those things you want to see God do in your daughter that will allow her to be a world changer. For example, you could write, “courageous, uncompromising, and confident.”

Then commit to daily asking her Heavenly Father to lock and load these qualities into the fiber of her being so she becomes all of who He made her to be. 

6. Be willing to admit when you're wrong and ask forgiveness

I realize this might sound harsh, but I don't hear enough stories about dads humbling themselves before their daughter's when they've blown it. 

So, what if you consistently took responsibility and admitted when you’ve had a poor response? Then, ask your daughter how you hurt her so she can express herself honestly, followed up with you asking for her to forgive you. 

If you want your daughter to do the same, it has to start with you. And who better to take the first step and be a role model who shows her what kind of man to look for than you!

So there it is: Your six-step plan of action to strengthen and build your dad-daughter bond. Simply put, think of this as your “#girldad curriculum” this next school year. Go Dad!

How to Bring Healing to Your Daughter's Dad Wound

Hi Dad…

By now you know I have a passion for seeing dads and daughters strengthen their relationship while equipping you as fathers to dial in more intentionally to your daughter’s heart. 

That is why the focus of my blog today is about encouraging you to initiate a potentially challenging conversation with your daughter where you courageously invite her to share about wounds she’s carrying from you. Hard as it may be to hear what she has to say, if you delay, those wounds may lead her to make unwise decisions that lead her off course from being the best version of herself (and I know you don’t want that to happen).

Let me state something that you probably already know. For girls and guys alike there can be dad wounds in our early years that effect current health and functioning many years later. And once those wounds go unattended, just like with physical injuries, eventually they begin to fester until finally the infection impacts other areas of life as well.

Though I don’t want to oversimplify the healing process, I can say that by exposing those areas of pain to truth (a.k.a. God’s truth, your clarifying ‘truth,’ etc.), we can find healing for unfinished business that may be lurking in our present day life. But we’ve got to start by being honest about the wound, the injury, while admitting to what’s actually there.

Your goal must be to affirm your love for your daughter and take responsibility without defending what you did or didn’t do or what you did or didn’t say. Since we’re all human and cause harm, whether intentionally or unintentionally, you’re modeling to your daughter what humility in action looks like. And you give your daughter a gift by staying emotionally present with her while you listen and validate with a focus on trying to understand her. 

I can say that for the majority of females I meet, they are stuck because they don’t know how to talk to their dads, and their dads don’t know how to talk to them, especially about the hard stuff.

Stalemate.

I do understand that not all dads are open to working things through with their daughters, but for those of you who are ready to begin healing the wounds you have caused with your daughter, here’s where you can start. 

Invite your daughter to spend one-on-one time with you while you ask her the following questions. If she lives away, you can always do this via FaceTime or you can send her these questions in writing. Let her know you want to hear whatever she has to say while reminding her you won’t get angry because you want this conversation to result in healing her heart and healing her hurt. 

Here are some ideas for how you can phrase your questions to her:

1. Are we as close as you’d like us to be? If so, I’d love to hear more about what that means to you. If not, why do you think we’re not close?

2. Do you remember any times when I hurt your feelings by what I said
   or did to you? I want to know about them, so you don’t have to carry those wounds anymore or believe lies about yourself that are tucked inside those hurts.

3. Can you recall any times when I missed something or didn’t do something that was important to you, such as not attending an event, failing to see how I’d hurt you by my response, or not seeing how much you were hurting so I was insensitive?

4. I would love your honesty on this next question: What is one way that I’m not being a good dad to you right now?

You will give your daughter a forever gift by opening up this vitally important conversation. And you will give yourself a forever gift by opening up this vitally important conversation. This equates to being a win-win in the end even if it’s a bit challenging through the process. 

Go Dad!

What if Today Were Your Last Day to Invest in Your Daughter?

I’m at the age where attending funerals is becoming more commonplace. And truly, there’s nothing like an end of life celebration to bring everything into perspective. 

I still recall attending a funeral for a dear friend’s husband where there was hardly a dry eye in the place as one of their sons shared stories about what his dad had meant to him. 

While choking back tears, he said, “I think everyone here could say, I want more of my dad.”

His words hung in the air. He ended by saying that he was one of the lucky ones to have had an invested dad. 

As I reflect back on the years of interacting with girls and young women, a consistent theme I hear from them can be summed up in those same six words, “I want more of my dad.” 

Stated otherwise, I’ve never heard one of them say she had “too much” of her dad---too much time, too much attention, too much love, too much affirmation, too much laughter, too much interacting, too much talking, too much connecting, too much validating...you get the point.

This brings to mind the harrowing survival story I heard awhile back of Holocaust survivor, Eva Schloss, who was Anne Frank’s stepsister. She, her brother, and her parents had been taken as prisoners by the Nazis to the Polish death camps of Auschwitz and Birkenau during World War II. 

I was deeply moved by one particular story she shared when miraculously reconnected with her father after he had been granted permission to find her in an adjacent camp. Since they were in two different concentration camps, he had no idea that she had just resigned herself to death, was severely depressed, and had been crying much of the time. Yet upon seeing him she said that she felt revived. 

In her own words, Eva describes their reunion:

“His eyes were full of an immense love for me. I threw myself into his arms and felt his warmth and strength flow into me and pull me back to life. I sobbed uncontrollably while he held me close to him as if he would never let me go. He must have felt as happy as I did, to have his little daughter in his arms once more.

He told me to be brave and not to give up…We exchanged looks of such yearning and love that I still see his face like this in my dreams.”

Eva and her mother barely made it out of the war alive. Her brother and father did not.

Yet here she was, at 90 years old, and her dad’s love was still with her---a love that carried her through severe suffering, starvation, torture, assault, resettlement, and later, re-engagement with life. 

I talked with Eva after her presentation and told her about my work with dads of daughters. If I ever meet her again, I will definitely ask her more about her “Pappy” because from everything I could tell, she was still her daddy’s girl.

Dad, I share these stories with you today in the hope that your heart will be stirred. And not just stirred to experience emotion, but stirred to action. After all, it was God who said that it is the hearts of fathers that must turn toward their children, not their heads (Malachi 4:6). 

I want your heart to be stirred to engage your daughter’s heart today as you realize that any day could be your last. And any day could be her last. 

Your intentional investment today will leave a powerful, beautiful legacy for her. And your intentional investment today will leave a lasting, loving legacy in her.

Make this day a day where your daughter enthusiastically and confidently shouts, “I did have enough of my Dad today!”

5 Things a 98-Year Old Daughter Still Wishes She’d Had from Her Dad

I love my friend Jean. I have no doubt you’d love her if you met her. She’s 98 years old and she’s my mom’s BFF. 

One thing I appreciate about Jean is that she’s a survivor. She’s lived through the Depression and World Wars, as well as the tragic death of a daughter and the loss of her husband, among other things. Honestly, she’s endured more hardship in one lifetime than some of us will ever experience. 

Despite her many heartaches, Jean has an unwavering faith in Jesus and is a model of resiliency and optimism. Without hesitation I can say that she is truly one of the most extraordinary women I’ve ever encountered. Jean has been an example to me of what I want to be like at her age and I value any time I can spend with her because I always leave better than I came. 

Jean could be described as a “hope-filled spiritual energizer bunny” who loves to listen to people and pray for them. And though she has no problem speaking her mind, she has a unique gift of sprinkling every conversation with incredible pearls of wisdom. 

I know I’m not the only one who enjoys time with Jean. Though frail and weak, she doesn’t complain about her aches and pains, and she has a line-up of people---both men and women---who have to get on her weekly schedule just to have time with her because her book gets filled fast!

Speaking of aging, last year I attended a conference where I heard John Mark Comer share these words that have stayed with me ever since:

“Most old people are either one or the other...not much in between. Either other- centered----loving, giving, settled, peaceful, and grateful. Or they are self-centered--- bitter, cynical and negative. But did you know we actually have the potential to grow MORE in our 80’s and 90’s? In the book, The Hidden Life of Trees, it says that older trees grow faster.”

Jean’s life clearly fits the other-centered description. 

Awhile back I asked Jean to share with me five things she wishes her dad had given her. And because I treasure her input and insight, I want to share with you the things she told me. 

     “I was just 16 when my Daddy committed suicide, and until now I’ve not had the opportunity before to express my heart. God’s timing is always perfect! Thank you for requesting the five places in my relationship with my Daddy that I would have liked changed…

     1. Words of affirmation

     2. Time alone with him---to get to know him and his childhood

     3. Physical touch

     4. Being accepted for myself---not for what I did or failed to do

     5. Hear him say out loud—“I love you”

     I am grateful and full of thanksgiving for your ministry with fathers. And now, in obedience to Him helping me, after all these years, this is helping me finally bring about healing and closure to the deep and resentful areas his death caused. It’s been many years ago now that with Christ’s leading and help, I forgave him.

 You are loved and greatly admired, Jean” 

Dad, I don’t know how to say it any clearer than Jean just did. If you want to know what your daughter needs from you, take Jean’s words to heart because your daughter longs for these same things.  

Today I encourage you to take one or two things Jean wishes she’d had from her Daddy, things she never got, and commit to investing in your daughter in those specific ways.

Do it in honor of Jean. 

And if you write to tell me about it after you take action (at drmichelle@thedadwhisperer.com), I’ll share your story with her. It will make her day. 

Optimize Your Fathering Health (With This Checklist)

Let’s be honest. None of us likes it when someone else tells us what to do. 

It’s hard enough when we’re forced to sit for our annual review while hearing our boss give feedback about our strengths and weaknesses. But since it’s protocol, we have no option but to endure the scrutiny.

So here’s my spin on your “annual review” as a #girldad. You have an opportunity to optimize your fathering health by evaluating yourself.

No lectures. No force. No hovering. Just you lifting up the “hood of your car” and checking the wiring in order ensure peak workability. 

I have such great respect for men who are open and willing to be honest, even asking for input to achieve their goals, especially their fathering goals. 

Although many dads I’ve spoken with haven’t written down or articulated their parenting goals, I’ve discovered that those ideals are actually tucked deep within and if defined, provide a road map to pursue the hearts of their daughters (and sons). 

That’s where this self-assessment fathering checklist that I’m providing you today will serve as a proactive tool for your fathering toolbox. It supports your personal growth as a dad because it will help you clarify your vision. 

There’s no need to go down a path of guilt or shame for things you’ve done wrong in the past, and there’s no better time than the present to begin changing the past. You have today and every day from here on out to make up for lost time. 

After you take “The Dialed-In Dad Checklist” and see items that are not a part of your daily or weekly interactions with your daughter, write out two or three specific things that you are going to do starting today that will launch you on your journey toward being increasingly tuned-in to your daughter. 

Here’s Your Game Plan---should you dare to accept it:

1. Challenge yourself to choose two new ways to connect with your daughter this week by using the lower-scoring items on the Dialed-In Dad Checklist. 

2. For extra credit, invite your daughter to fill out this form about you as her dad. I guarantee it will show you where you’re rocking it and where you could use some improvement! 

Click here for the Dialed-in Dad Checklist