How to Bring Healing to Your Daughter's Dad Wound

Hi Dad…

By now you know I have a passion for seeing dads and daughters strengthen their relationship while equipping you as fathers to dial in more intentionally to your daughter’s heart. 

That is why the focus of my blog today is about encouraging you to initiate a potentially challenging conversation with your daughter where you courageously invite her to share about wounds she’s carrying from you. Hard as it may be to hear what she has to say, if you delay, those wounds may lead her to make unwise decisions that lead her off course from being the best version of herself (and I know you don’t want that to happen).

Let me state something that you probably already know. For girls and guys alike there can be dad wounds in our early years that effect current health and functioning many years later. And once those wounds go unattended, just like with physical injuries, eventually they begin to fester until finally the infection impacts other areas of life as well.

Though I don’t want to oversimplify the healing process, I can say that by exposing those areas of pain to truth (a.k.a. God’s truth, your clarifying ‘truth,’ etc.), we can find healing for unfinished business that may be lurking in our present day life. But we’ve got to start by being honest about the wound, the injury, while admitting to what’s actually there.

Your goal must be to affirm your love for your daughter and take responsibility without defending what you did or didn’t do or what you did or didn’t say. Since we’re all human and cause harm, whether intentionally or unintentionally, you’re modeling to your daughter what humility in action looks like. And you give your daughter a gift by staying emotionally present with her while you listen and validate with a focus on trying to understand her. 

I can say that for the majority of females I meet, they are stuck because they don’t know how to talk to their dads, and their dads don’t know how to talk to them, especially about the hard stuff.

Stalemate.

I do understand that not all dads are open to working things through with their daughters, but for those of you who are ready to begin healing the wounds you have caused with your daughter, here’s where you can start. 

Invite your daughter to spend one-on-one time with you while you ask her the following questions. If she lives away, you can always do this via FaceTime or you can send her these questions in writing. Let her know you want to hear whatever she has to say while reminding her you won’t get angry because you want this conversation to result in healing her heart and healing her hurt. 

Here are some ideas for how you can phrase your questions to her:

1. Are we as close as you’d like us to be? If so, I’d love to hear more about what that means to you. If not, why do you think we’re not close?

2. Do you remember any times when I hurt your feelings by what I said
   or did to you? I want to know about them, so you don’t have to carry those wounds anymore or believe lies about yourself that are tucked inside those hurts.

3. Can you recall any times when I missed something or didn’t do something that was important to you, such as not attending an event, failing to see how I’d hurt you by my response, or not seeing how much you were hurting so I was insensitive?

4. I would love your honesty on this next question: What is one way that I’m not being a good dad to you right now?

You will give your daughter a forever gift by opening up this vitally important conversation. And you will give yourself a forever gift by opening up this vitally important conversation. This equates to being a win-win in the end even if it’s a bit challenging through the process. 

Go Dad!

What if Today Were Your Last Day to Invest in Your Daughter?

I’m at the age where attending funerals is becoming more commonplace. And truly, there’s nothing like an end of life celebration to bring everything into perspective. 

I still recall attending a funeral for a dear friend’s husband where there was hardly a dry eye in the place as one of their sons shared stories about what his dad had meant to him. 

While choking back tears, he said, “I think everyone here could say, I want more of my dad.”

His words hung in the air. He ended by saying that he was one of the lucky ones to have had an invested dad. 

As I reflect back on the years of interacting with girls and young women, a consistent theme I hear from them can be summed up in those same six words, “I want more of my dad.” 

Stated otherwise, I’ve never heard one of them say she had “too much” of her dad---too much time, too much attention, too much love, too much affirmation, too much laughter, too much interacting, too much talking, too much connecting, too much validating...you get the point.

This brings to mind the harrowing survival story I heard awhile back of Holocaust survivor, Eva Schloss, who was Anne Frank’s stepsister. She, her brother, and her parents had been taken as prisoners by the Nazis to the Polish death camps of Auschwitz and Birkenau during World War II. 

I was deeply moved by one particular story she shared when miraculously reconnected with her father after he had been granted permission to find her in an adjacent camp. Since they were in two different concentration camps, he had no idea that she had just resigned herself to death, was severely depressed, and had been crying much of the time. Yet upon seeing him she said that she felt revived. 

In her own words, Eva describes their reunion:

“His eyes were full of an immense love for me. I threw myself into his arms and felt his warmth and strength flow into me and pull me back to life. I sobbed uncontrollably while he held me close to him as if he would never let me go. He must have felt as happy as I did, to have his little daughter in his arms once more.

He told me to be brave and not to give up…We exchanged looks of such yearning and love that I still see his face like this in my dreams.”

Eva and her mother barely made it out of the war alive. Her brother and father did not.

Yet here she was, at 90 years old, and her dad’s love was still with her---a love that carried her through severe suffering, starvation, torture, assault, resettlement, and later, re-engagement with life. 

I talked with Eva after her presentation and told her about my work with dads of daughters. If I ever meet her again, I will definitely ask her more about her “Pappy” because from everything I could tell, she was still her daddy’s girl.

Dad, I share these stories with you today in the hope that your heart will be stirred. And not just stirred to experience emotion, but stirred to action. After all, it was God who said that it is the hearts of fathers that must turn toward their children, not their heads (Malachi 4:6). 

I want your heart to be stirred to engage your daughter’s heart today as you realize that any day could be your last. And any day could be her last. 

Your intentional investment today will leave a powerful, beautiful legacy for her. And your intentional investment today will leave a lasting, loving legacy in her.

Make this day a day where your daughter enthusiastically and confidently shouts, “I did have enough of my Dad today!”

5 Things a 98-Year Old Daughter Still Wishes She’d Had from Her Dad

I love my friend Jean. I have no doubt you’d love her if you met her. She’s 98 years old and she’s my mom’s BFF. 

One thing I appreciate about Jean is that she’s a survivor. She’s lived through the Depression and World Wars, as well as the tragic death of a daughter and the loss of her husband, among other things. Honestly, she’s endured more hardship in one lifetime than some of us will ever experience. 

Despite her many heartaches, Jean has an unwavering faith in Jesus and is a model of resiliency and optimism. Without hesitation I can say that she is truly one of the most extraordinary women I’ve ever encountered. Jean has been an example to me of what I want to be like at her age and I value any time I can spend with her because I always leave better than I came. 

Jean could be described as a “hope-filled spiritual energizer bunny” who loves to listen to people and pray for them. And though she has no problem speaking her mind, she has a unique gift of sprinkling every conversation with incredible pearls of wisdom. 

I know I’m not the only one who enjoys time with Jean. Though frail and weak, she doesn’t complain about her aches and pains, and she has a line-up of people---both men and women---who have to get on her weekly schedule just to have time with her because her book gets filled fast!

Speaking of aging, last year I attended a conference where I heard John Mark Comer share these words that have stayed with me ever since:

“Most old people are either one or the other...not much in between. Either other- centered----loving, giving, settled, peaceful, and grateful. Or they are self-centered--- bitter, cynical and negative. But did you know we actually have the potential to grow MORE in our 80’s and 90’s? In the book, The Hidden Life of Trees, it says that older trees grow faster.”

Jean’s life clearly fits the other-centered description. 

Awhile back I asked Jean to share with me five things she wishes her dad had given her. And because I treasure her input and insight, I want to share with you the things she told me. 

     “I was just 16 when my Daddy committed suicide, and until now I’ve not had the opportunity before to express my heart. God’s timing is always perfect! Thank you for requesting the five places in my relationship with my Daddy that I would have liked changed…

     1. Words of affirmation

     2. Time alone with him---to get to know him and his childhood

     3. Physical touch

     4. Being accepted for myself---not for what I did or failed to do

     5. Hear him say out loud—“I love you”

     I am grateful and full of thanksgiving for your ministry with fathers. And now, in obedience to Him helping me, after all these years, this is helping me finally bring about healing and closure to the deep and resentful areas his death caused. It’s been many years ago now that with Christ’s leading and help, I forgave him.

 You are loved and greatly admired, Jean” 

Dad, I don’t know how to say it any clearer than Jean just did. If you want to know what your daughter needs from you, take Jean’s words to heart because your daughter longs for these same things.  

Today I encourage you to take one or two things Jean wishes she’d had from her Daddy, things she never got, and commit to investing in your daughter in those specific ways.

Do it in honor of Jean. 

And if you write to tell me about it after you take action (at drmichelle@thedadwhisperer.com), I’ll share your story with her. It will make her day. 

Optimize Your Fathering Health (With This Checklist)

Let’s be honest. None of us likes it when someone else tells us what to do. 

It’s hard enough when we’re forced to sit for our annual review while hearing our boss give feedback about our strengths and weaknesses. But since it’s protocol, we have no option but to endure the scrutiny.

So here’s my spin on your “annual review” as a #girldad. You have an opportunity to optimize your fathering health by evaluating yourself.

No lectures. No force. No hovering. Just you lifting up the “hood of your car” and checking the wiring in order ensure peak workability. 

I have such great respect for men who are open and willing to be honest, even asking for input to achieve their goals, especially their fathering goals. 

Although many dads I’ve spoken with haven’t written down or articulated their parenting goals, I’ve discovered that those ideals are actually tucked deep within and if defined, provide a road map to pursue the hearts of their daughters (and sons). 

That’s where this self-assessment fathering checklist that I’m providing you today will serve as a proactive tool for your fathering toolbox. It supports your personal growth as a dad because it will help you clarify your vision. 

There’s no need to go down a path of guilt or shame for things you’ve done wrong in the past, and there’s no better time than the present to begin changing the past. You have today and every day from here on out to make up for lost time. 

After you take “The Dialed-In Dad Checklist” and see items that are not a part of your daily or weekly interactions with your daughter, write out two or three specific things that you are going to do starting today that will launch you on your journey toward being increasingly tuned-in to your daughter. 

Here’s Your Game Plan---should you dare to accept it:

1. Challenge yourself to choose two new ways to connect with your daughter this week by using the lower-scoring items on the Dialed-In Dad Checklist. 

2. For extra credit, invite your daughter to fill out this form about you as her dad. I guarantee it will show you where you’re rocking it and where you could use some improvement! 

Click here for the Dialed-in Dad Checklist

The Absolute Worst Thing You Could Ever Say to Your Daughter

If this title intrigues you, I’m guessing you’re wired like a lot of dads where you have a fairly good idea of what to say to your daughter, but you’re aware that it’s just as important to know what not to say. 

You’re no doubt reading this because you’re highly invested in making your relationship with your daughter the best it can be. I love that about you and applaud you for being proactive!

We all know that whether intentional or unintentional, once words leave our mouths, they stick; they can’t be taken back. Maybe you can even recall words ---both positive and negative--- that were spoken to you by your dad --or someone else-- that feel as fresh today as when you first heard them. 

Yes, we’re all human and we speak or misspeak things we might later regret. And thankfully we can ask forgiveness and make amends. But still, those imprinted messages last long after they’re spoken. 

So let’s look at this from a positive vantage point where you can add another tool to your fathering toolbox to ensure a higher likelihood of doing it right, saying it right, and getting it right as a #girldad.

Here are the two absolute worst words you could ever say to your daughter: 

“You’re too…”

At first glance, you’re probably thinking this seems insignificant and doesn’t appear to be substantive enough to merit an entire blog.

Yet the reason I’m underscoring the destructive, negative power of these words is that they attack the very core of who God made your daughter to be.

Let me clarify. Here’s how this sentence might sound if it were completed: 

• You’re too fat

• You’re too skinny

• You’re too quiet

• You’re too loud

• You’re too much 

• You’re too immature

• You’re too self-absorbed

• You’re too complicated

• You’re too unpredictable

• You’re too needy

I’m including this last one because I actually heard these words spoken by a dad in a counseling session years ago. I was there with Mom, Dad, and their 19-year old, compliant, gentle, beautiful, yet fragile daughter. We were talking about her recent stint in a 45-day residential eating disorder treatment center for anorexia nervosa. At one point Dad said--with his daughter listening--“she’s always been the most needy of our three kids.” 

My heart was breaking for her and I thought: If this is how Dad is talking about his daughter to me with her listening, what kinds of things is he saying to her in their home? I also wondered if his negative view of her was internalized such that she was now seeking to be invisible and unseen while fading away (which is a hallmark of anorexia). I saw her trying not to have any needs, which included not being in the way, and not being alive.

In time she did heal, thankfully. Yet, her dad harmed her more than helped through much of her process, unfortunately. I don’t want to see another dad make this same mistake.

I could go on, but you get the gist.

The reality is that your daughter might be “too this” or “too that” based on your personality or preferences. But, she’s wired the way she’s wired for a purpose by her Creator. It is your job to help steer, support, steward, and strengthen her gifts.

And Dad, if you do need to address negative behaviors, find a way to say it in a positive way. 

For example, instead of remarking, “you’re too selfish,” try saying, “I’ve seen you give of yourself through the years (give one or two examples) and that is when you’re being your authentic self. Lately I’ve noticed that you’re more focused on yourself and your needs rather than on others. Can we talk about what’s going on inside? I imagine there’s more going on under the surface.”

Dad, always remember that your daughter will internalize your view of her. Make it your goal to:

1. Renew your commitment to never speak words that crush the core of who she is. 

2. Look for opportunities to speak life into the very areas where you perhaps feel overwhelmed or get triggered by her.  

3. Counter reactivity by leaning in and proactively affirming her positive qualities.

4. Find ways to build her up and celebrate her uniqueness.

And these, my friend, are the four absolute best things you could ever say or do to your daughter. Go Dad!

3 Words of Summer Dadvice

With summer upon us, this means your kids are home and you’re trying to navigate their schedules and needs, figuring out how to keep them occupied, seeing where you can fit in a vacation or two, and doing all this while staying the course with your work-life balance. 

Let’s be honest. Is there such thing as “balance” when there are so many competing needs and only 24 hours in a day? I think not! 

So as a way to honor your time while giving you a three-word reminder about a positive stance to take with your daughter this summer, here it is: 

Soften Your Tone

I realize the word soft isn’t the most masculine of terms and yet if you want to see better results in the quality of your relationship with your daughter, trust me when I say it’s worth the work to hone this skill because your interactions will thrive as a result.

You’ve heard me say this before and I’ll say it again: Oftentimes men don’t always realize how intense, loud or harsh their vocal tone actually is. Then in one felt swoop, those forceful words cut like a knife to a daughter’s heart and your relationship suffers.

So this week and this summer, perhaps you can imagine that I’m the positive voice in your ear who is whispering to keep your tone quiet and your voice soft so your daughter sees what it looks like to let gentleness rule. 

If you stay soft, she’ll eventually follow your lead.

Let’s see a culture of healthy men who are completely masculine and fully soft simultaneously. 

Go Dad…and happy Summer!

10 SURPRISING Contributions Dads Make to Their Daughter’s Lives

On this Father’s Day weekend, I can think of no better way to celebrate YOU as a #girldad than to highlight ten of the most significant, perhaps even surprising, contributions that dads make to their daughter’s lives. 

These are ten specific ways your presence matters. 

Whether you’re in a season where you’re closer than ever to your daughter or there’s distance between you, these ten realities underscore that fathers are very important to the health and well-being of their daughters. And though you may not always hear positive words about how important and valuable you are as a dad, today I’m gifting you with words of affirmation!

As you read each of these items, I trust they will inspire you to be even more intentional because the truth is that your daughter will thrive with your positive, life-breathing encouragement in every season. So here we go! 

The overriding themes in research strongly support that daughters who feel connected to their fathers:

1. Do better in school, get better grades, and are more likely to finish high school and attend college.
If your daughter knows you’re in her corner while she’s learning, letting her know you believe in her by giving her grace to fail forward without belittling her when she fails, then cheering her on as she gets back up, she will keep going. Yes, there are always meltdowns along the way, but your consistent support will go far in helping her to achieve her academic goals.

2. Experience greater self-esteem.
You can visibly tell when a girl or woman is internally confident, and she will stand out among her peers. You can see it in the way she carries herself and communicates, negotiates, and interacts. And much of the time these women have solid relationships with their fathers. It’s true that when a dad confirms and affirms his daughter’s worth and value, she will expect nothing less from others…and herself.

3. Are more likely to find steady employment.
This one compliments the last. When a daughter is empowered by the confidence her dad has in her, she carries that inner strength with her wherever she goes. This translates to the workplace, including her work ethic and ability to hold a job with internalized grit and core strength.

4. Report less depression.
If you want your daughter to demonstrate emotional equilibrium, be mindful that you play a big part in helping her grow this skill set. When she sinks emotionally, remember that she needs kindness, understanding, and patience from you through her processing phase. She will grow to appreciate your steady presence until these resources become internalized as her own.

5. Have lower rates of substance use.
Though it can be within normal limits for kids to experiment and push boundaries, I believe when drugs and alcohol are used to numb emotions, decrease anxiety, lower stress, bridge gaps in interpersonal relating and communicating, etc., this becomes a problem. In other words, when substances create “false courage,” for example, and serve as a substitute for developing life skills, healthy development halts. Yet when a dad is there in real time and helps his daughter to process feelings, validates her emotions, calms her anxiety, decreases her stress, and provides true support, there is less draw to inanimate objects to do that work for her.

6. Have less body dissatisfaction and healthier weight.
As much as women may try to be their own cheerleaders, as a whole we tend to look elsewhere for validation and encouragement, especially when it comes to weight and body image. This underscores why a dad plays a significant role in supporting his daughter to see herself in a positive light.

Dad, make sure to never criticize or tease her for her weight, pant size, breast size, etc., even if you think you’re just being funny. Find ways to highlight her positive qualities, such as her eyes, style of dress, hairstyle, character, personality, and on it goes. Your affirmation will stay with her and hopefully be internalized so she can see herself through your eyes.

7. Delay their sexual debut.
Yes, you read this right. Your bond with your daughter is one, if not THE BEST defensive strategy against “oncoming traffic,” if you know what I mean! Simply stated, the more emotionally and relationally connected your daughter feels to you, the less she will be looking for love in all the wrong places, resulting in her decision to delay premarital sex (thus resulting in decreases in teen pregnancy). How’s that for a win-win?!

8. Have healthier relationships with men.
This one doesn’t need much explanation. As you set the foundation in your daughter’s life to relate to you by experiencing secure attachment, she will feel free to use her voice and express herself while enjoying doing life with you. She will then transfer those relational skills to her interactions with the opposite sex.

9. Have significantly less suicide attempts.
When someone knows their life has value, such that those around them wouldn’t know how to go on if they weren’t around, that person often will stay alive for someone else, even when their personal distress seems unbearable at times. Stated otherwise, agape love is true, self-sacrificial, self-giving love, and it lasts the test of time. When real love like this is infused into the soul of another, they will believe their life matters. And when the person validating them is the one who brought them into the world (a.k.a. you), it puts an extra layer of protective coating around their heart and life.

10. Display greater empathy and pro-social behavior compared to kids with uninvolved fathers. More specifically, when a dad is involved in his daughter’s life, she has more of her best self to share with the world and she will be 80% less likely to spend time in jail. Once again, research doesn’t always get to the heart behind the data, but the numbers speak for themselves in revealing that a dad’s involvement and attentiveness to his daughter’s life becomes integrated into the core of her identity, and she will give out of the overflow of that consistent deposit. 

So there you have it: Ten solid, perhaps even SURPRISING factors that show why you as a dad have value to your daughter, even if she’s not aware of it all.

I trust you’re inspired to renew your vision, passion, and commitment to be the best dialed-in dad you can be to your daughter.

I wish you the best Father’s Day ever as this is a day to honor you and celebrate your role as a dad.

Go Dad!

Are You an Overcomer Dad?

Over the years I’ve often asked dads who have partnered with me once a month for nine months (in The Abba Project) this question: Why are you giving your valuable time and energy to be here, willing to learn skills to better pursue your daughter’s heart, all while being pressed to engage in areas outside your comfort zone? 

Without exception, here is the essence of what every dad says:

“Because I love my daughter.” 

I believe you’re answering that question the same way or you wouldn’t be reading this blog (or listening to The Dad Whisperer Podcast or reading my dad-daughter books). 

Here’s what I want you to hear from my heart to yours: No matter what hand you were dealt from your father regarding what it looks like to be an engaged dad, you can choose now to be engaged and be the dad your daughter needs.

You’ll appreciate hearing what one fathering expert has to say on the matter (a man who is now my husband and someone I’ve admired and quoted for over a decade). Here are the words of Dr. Ken Canfield in The Heart of a Father: 

It may surprise you to learn that, in one bit of research at the National Center for Fathering, we discovered that a man’s relationship with his father is not the most significant predictor of his current relationship with his children. In other words, a painful past is certainly an influence, but not the “silver bullet.” Your commitment to become a dad of destiny can displace the negative effects resulting from a poor relationship with your dad. You can join the distinguished ranks of the “overcomer dads.”

I love that term, overcomer dads.

Let me be more specific. An overcomer dad is one who:

• Steps up even if your dad wasn’t a positive role model to show you how to be a great father

• Knows that it’s never too late to start “kicking things up a notch” with your daughter

• Learns from other dads while being willing to ask questions and ask for help

• Commits to being a strong, engaged father who leads your daughter well, even when it’s hard and she makes you work for it

• Doesn’t give up even if and/or when she pushes you away

• Initiates spending individual, quality time with your daughter, knowing this is how she’ll feel valuable and loved

• Pursues your daughter’s heart consistently because you know she’ll carry your love deep inside throughout her lifespan

• Finds creative ways to motivate her to reach her goals (not just yours) while she feels your unconditional support regardless of her performance

• Demonstrates patience with her even when she blows it or is hard to love

• Communicates love, affirmation and belief in your daughter regardless of whether she seems to soak it in

• Directs his daughter to connect to God as her Father with a goal to build a solid bridge to the One who will never leave her or forsake her

Dad, you are vital to your daughter’s health and well-being, and your presence in her life matters — big time. So if you’ve ever received a message to the contrary or doubted your value as a father, let’s turn that around now.

It is my utmost joy and honor to join forces with you as you fiercely pursue the heart of your daughter.

By doing so, you’ll join the ranks of overcomer dads.

3 Blind Spots of Mice and Men

Do you remember the nursery rhyme from when you were a kid about three blind mice? I haven’t actually thought about it in years or heard anyone cite it either.

But as I’m looking at it today, I thought you might enjoy reminiscing with me:

Three blind mice, three blind mice
See how they run, see how they run
They all ran after the farmer’s wife
She cut off their tails with a carving knife
Did you ever see such a sight in your life as three blind mice?

Crazy story to share with kids, right?

I don’t have any profound insight as to why this rhyme is of any value to us or our children, but my one take away is this: Blind spots lead to catastrophic outcomes.

It’s the same with fathering your daughters. 

Blind spots are those areas where we miss or don’t see things, often because they’re in our peripheral vision. Yet when something is legitimately there and needs our immediate attention, it’s wisdom to turn our heads and respond appropriately.

With that in mind, here’s three specific things that might be in your blind spot when it comes to interacting with your daughter. My hope is that after reading, you’ll see things more clearly because now they’ll be directly in your line of sight. 

Blind Spot #1: Expecting things of your daughter that you don’t practice yourself. 

As a dad you want your daughter to have positive responses. You want her to respond with immediate obedience without a bad attitude or intense negativity. You want her to respect others (especially her mom and siblings), honor God, and be a contributing member of your family and society.

Those are great goals, but it’s vital that you start with yourself. Begin by considering whether you’re setting an example in these areas so what you’re expecting and requiring of her is modeled by you. After all, more is caught than taught.

Blind Spot #2: Thinking that what you do behind closed doors doesn’t matter if she doesn’t know about it. 

We’ve all heard the quote, “be sure your sins will find you out.” When it comes to integrity (which I imagine is a virtue you want your daughter to embody), it’s about what we do when no one sees. 

When it comes to your personal life---your thoughts, morals, values, choices, relationships with the opposite sex, expenditures, financial dealings, etc.---it’s important that there is congruence between the life your daughter sees publicly and the person you are behind closed doors. 

Let me get a little more personal and specific. If you engage in looking at pornography, you’re contributing to an industry that objectifies and uses women for self-gratification.

If you want your daughter to live with confident strength where she expects to be treated with value and respect, especially by men, be mindful that what you bring with you is being passed on to her. This has to do with the atmosphere and spiritual climate that you carry with you, which is a very real, though unseen, realm. 

Blind Spot #3: Assuming that your anger has no effect in shaping her.

You’ve heard me say this many times and it bears repeating: Your anger will have the most negative impact on your daughter’s heart and spirit than most anything else.

Your anger will cause your daughter to fear you and experience you as unsafe (which I know you don’t want). Your anger will decrease her self esteem, cause her to be tentative and less confident, destroy her spirit, and lead her to shrink back and be less assertive in the world (which you also don’t want). Additionally, she will project these realities onto God as a Father and assume He’s an angry guy in the sky. If you don’t want her to be afraid of God, be aware that you set the base for how she approaches and relates to Him.

Anger from a dad to his daughter is always more intense than you may think it is. Though anger is a God-given emotion and there’s a place for it at times, you must use it rarely. 

Now that these three areas are in front of you, they’re no longer blind spots. 

Commit to addressing one of them today. 

Better yet, talk to a fellow “mouse” (a trusted friend) and communicate honestly about these three areas. This is how you’ll be a band of brothers instead of “three blind mice.” And by creating this kind of accountability group, you’ll offset blindness and move forward with clear vision.

No more blinders. Go Dad!

My Three Insider Venusian Trade Secrets for #GirlDads

For some of you younger dads, today’s title is a reference point from the last century!

By “Venusian,” I’m referring to Dr. John Gray’s concept in his book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. I consider myself bilingual after 13 years of traveling from my planet of Venus to your planet of Mars, and today I’m here to help you decode your daughter with a bit more precision.

Here are my three “Venusian trade secrets” so you can better understand your daughter:

1. When she opens her mouth, her heart opens.
We women don’t even have to think about it; it just happens. But it doesn’t stop there. When a daughter’s heart opens, her dad’s heart automatically opens. You, dads, don’t even have to think about it; it just happens.

This full-circle, interactive dynamic means that if you capitalize on engaging your daughter in conversations, not only will she open up to you more, but your bond will be stronger.

2. She figures things out by talking.
The key word in this sentence is ‘out.’ Because we as women have so much swirling around in our brains 24/7, sometimes it feels like we’re on a hamster wheel in our heads where we’re running fast but not getting anywhere (a.k.a. this is called looping). When we talk things out and get them out by verbalizing what’s going on inside, it helps “open the cage” so we get off the wheel.

When you’re a safe sounding board, allowing your daughter to process verbally and emotionally without rushing her or requiring that she make sense to you, you give her a gift in holding her intensity without trying to problem solve. By providing her this outlet, she will de-escalate, begin to calm down, and feel better.

3. She wants a closer relationship with you.
In my 44 years of mentoring women and 27 years of clinical counseling, no girl or woman has ever said to me, “Dr. Michelle, I’m way too bonded to my dad and we’re just too close.” Instead, as their tears flow, I’ve often heard stories of heartbreak over feeling distant from or hurt by their dads.

This tells me that women want a better relationship with their fathers. And it’s up to you, Dad, to lead the way in letting her know you want that too.

This also tells me there’s a dire need for fathers to have a clear road map for journeying to the epicenter of their daughters’ hearts, coupled with learning how to engage them and lead conversations so their daughters can find and use their voices.

If you want to take action today to be a proactive dad who helps your daughter thrive, here are two places to start:

Action Steps:
1. Ask your daughter what you can do to be a better dad to her.
Text, call, or ask her in person. Do it today. Let her know she can say anything and you’ll do your best to meet her at the point of her need.

2. Buy a copy of Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters and use it for your monthly dad-daughter date where she chooses the topic and you ask the questions.
I wrote this book based on feedback from dads like you who asked for scripts to help them succeed in interacting with their girls. This book will become your playbook as you lead conversations with intention and purpose.

Whether you’re in a solid place with your daughter or want to be closer, you’ll find it helpful in strategically pursuing her heart.

Go Dads!