20 Do's and Don'ts for Dads to Succeed In Having "The Sex Talk" with Their Daughter [Part 2]

Welcome back to the second half of this blog series on a topic that is important to address yet can easily scare some dads away. You’re here because you’re open to figuring out the best way to have ‘the sex talk’ with your daughter.

And if you’re tuning in for this second installment, I applaud you and affirm that you’re already rare among men for courageously being willing to speak into your daughter’s life. Whoo hoo!

Let me briefly review part one:

• If you don’t talk about sex with your daughter then every other voice but yours will have impact and influence.

• You don’t have to have the perfect conversation…but you do need to have some conversation with her about sex.

• Girls/women delay engaging in sexual activity as a result of feeling connected to their dads, which underscores why this vital conversation will bond the two of you. 

These were the first ten skills I presented from my list of 20 Do’s and Don’ts that will lead to a higher likelihood of success in talking with your daughter about sex:

1. Don’t talk more than you listen. 

2. Do take a breath, say a prayer, and muster your courage. 

3. Don’t assume you’ll agree on everything.

4. Do choose to talk about it, whether or not it’s awkward.

5. Don’t defer and presume that someone else will cover this topic.

6. Do come with a goal to open this conversation, not win it. 

7. Don’t stop midway through…no matter how hard it is and how she responds. 

8. Do practice what you preach.

9. Don’t preach what you don’t practice. 

10. Do lead with vulnerability.

Now here are the next ten skills I recommend that will lead you in successfully discussing sex with your daughter:

11. Don’t smash the Oreo. Oreos serve as a metaphor of a powerful way to communicate. Just like they have two cookies holding the “stuff” in the middle, Oreo Cookie Communication begins and ends with positives while filling the middle of the conversation with the harder “stuff.” When you share why you love her and are proud of her, it surrounds the harder part of the interaction, making the whole thing easier to swallow.

12. Do ask questions that invite her to think through her sexual choices and boundaries. We as women figure things out by talking. So the more we hear ourselves speak out the things we hold inside our minds and hearts (that oftentimes we don’t know we’re holding), the clearer we are. As you ask strategic questions, you give your daughter a gift in providing a way for her to clarify her position on this subject.

13. Don’t force her to embrace your beliefs. She will continue to form her own opinions on sex with or without you. If you share your concerns and hopes for her, coupled with respect for her thoughts, opinions, and beliefs, she will be more open to hear the things you share.

14. Do let her see your softer emotions. It’s easy to have the emotion of anger take center stage while “softer” emotions, like fear or sadness, are then forced to step back or hide. Innumerable daughters have told me they hate disappointing their dads, which leads me to say that when you’re vulnerable and let your daughter hear you speak from your heart, you’ll bond more and see greater relational gains. As you share what you’re afraid of for her or what brings up sadness in you, she’ll most likely connect with those same emotions in herself. 

15. Don’t react negatively when she opens up with you. This may be a hard one as you think about experiencing a strong reaction to what she tells you. If you immediately react with negativity by what you say, ask or emote, it will shut her down. This is why you must choose to stay steady throughout the conversation. Lean into God as a Father who holds you up, and ask Him for the grace to express all the fruits of the Spirit as you listen---love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.

16. Do wait until she’s ready to hear about your beliefs and convictions. We live in a cancel culture that dismisses and vehemently opposes those who disagree or believe differently than ourselves. What a tragedy to have lost our ability to honor differences. As you and your daughter discuss sex, ask her if or when she is open to hearing your beliefs. If you’re someone who adheres to biblical values on sex (which means waiting until you’re married to have sex), you can be honest without criticizing her choices or beliefs. Let this be a time to activate kindness culture in your family, starting with the two of you. In doing so, you’re modeling that there are men who live by their values.

17. Don’t skip this conversation if she’s already sexually active. You might be thinking that if she’s already had sex, there’s no point in opening up this “can of worms.” Instead, here’s what I want you to consider: By talking this out with you, she may change her stance going forward as she processes her past experiences and then gains more insight that she can apply to future relationships. And who better to lead her than you?

18. Do treat her with the respect she deserves. If your daughter has already had sex, there’s a high likelihood that her sexual experiences haven’t all been positive. She may feel used after a one night stand or like she’s just one in a long line-up of women who believed his promises but now are cast aside. This is why you want to model being the guy who is steady as you truly love and care about her heart…no strings attached.

19. Don’t think of this as a one-and-done conversation. Because your daughter is always maturing and growing and changing, so will her beliefs and choices, thoughts and convictions…on everything, including sex. I encourage you to make this an annual topic of conversation. Lead by initiating dialogue in an ongoing way throughout her lifespan. Let her know you value hearing her thoughts…and about her process in formulating those thoughts.

20. Do end by telling her three things you admire and appreciate about her. It’s always a profound point of connection when someone gives praise and encouragement. Let’s face it: We all love hearing positive words of affirmation that fill our love buckets and breathe life into our weary souls. And when those words of life come from our dad, they’re saved in a deep heart place that can be drawn from long after they’re spoken. 

There you have it, Dad: Twenty specific areas of focus to set your relational GPS in talking with your daughter about sex. 

If you’re ready to take action in having ‘the sex talk,’ I’ve got just what you need. Here’s the script to lead you as you initiate this delicate yet critical conversation with your daughter. Let’s do this…together!

20 Do’s and Don’ts for Dads to Succeed in Having ‘The Sex Talk’ with Their Daughters [Part 1]

If you’re still reading, it means the title of this blog hasn’t scared you away. Well done!

And because this is a weighty subject, I’m breaking things up into two parts. You’ll get half the list today and half next time [in two weeks]---plus your dad-daughter date questions---to guide you in opening a conversation with her about sex.

That said, here we go!

If you’re like a lot of dads I’ve walked alongside on their fathering journey, you may be tapping into fear and dread as you think about having “the sex talk” with your daughter. Maybe you’re avoiding the subject altogether or choosing to sidestep a potentially unpleasant reaction.

But if you don’t talk about sex with your daughter, then every other voice but yours will have impact and influence. You have to weigh in. 

And you don’t have to have the perfect conversation…but you do need to have some conversation [which is why I have a template for you to follow attached at the bottom of this email].

I acknowledge that many women say it’s their decision whether to have sex before marriage because it’s their body and their choice. They further assert that what they do behind closed doors needs to remain private, especially from their dad.

That said, with research confirming that girls delay engaging in sexual activity as a result of feeling connected to their dads, it’s imperative that you open up this conversation with your daughter because your opinion matters, even if she’s not fully aware that it does. Let her know you’re willing to dive into the deep end, even if it’s challenging.

Here are my suggestions---a.k.a. 20 Do’s and Don’ts that will lead to a higher likelihood of success in talking with your daughter about sex:

1. Don’t talk more than you listen. Set your goal here at the start to listen at least twice as much as you talk---a.k.a. two ears, one mouth. The best way to do that is to ask great questions that allow her to express herself. I highly recommend that you use the template I’m providing here [see below] to help you phrase your questions in ways that allow her to reveal more of what she’s carrying inside (as opposed to hearing a lecture from you).

2. Do take a breath, say a prayer, and muster your courage. I’m guessing you did these three things before every game you played in sports. Think back to how many times you felt overwhelmed, yet you stepped forward despite your fears. Use that same mindset here by first grounding yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, then step forward despite your fear. That, my friend, is the definition of courage. 

3. Don’t assume you’ll agree on everything. This is a complex and complicated topic, which requires that you lead by example so the atmosphere is open, honoring, and non-hostile as each of you interact.

4. Do choose to talk about it, whether or not it’s awkward. It’s okay if this is an uncomfortable topic and both of you squirm. The important thing is that your daughter will hear your heart and you will hear hers.

5. Don’t defer and presume that someone else will cover this topic. Too often dads tell me they hope someone else will address sex with their daughters because it seems like they’re all more qualified. Not true (as noted in the research above). Make a choice today not to defer to her mom or some other mentor in her life. You’re her dad. This one is on you.

6. Do come with a goal to open this conversation, not win it. Like my friend Steve Pringle always asks himself in relating to his daughter: Is my goal to win the argument or win her heart? He always chooses the latter. This helps him calibrate his expectations while making sure he’s communicated those goals to his mouth! 

7. Don’t stop midway through…no matter how hard it is and how she responds. If things get heated or feel strange, talk about something else for a few minutes. Sometimes it helps to change your environment by going for a walk and talking shoulder-to shoulder rather than face to face. Go for a walk and talk shoulder-to shoulder rather than face to face. Then pick up the conversation where you left off as you move forward.

8. Do practice what you preach. Think of this as an opportunity to show your daughter what a good man looks like in action by the way you interact with her. It’s easy to say you want her to be with a guy who listens to her and honors her. There’s no better way to teach your daughter how to use her voice with the opposite sex than to practice with you. Even more, if she can speak confidently with you about a hard subject like this, she’ll carry that confidence into the world.

9. Don’t preach what you don’t practice. This might be hard to hear, but I have a question for you: What age were you when you first had sex? Were you a guy who waited or were you a player? If you want your daughter to wait to have sex until she gets married, you may want to give her some context for what you’re advising. Tell her what you learned the hard way (in an age appropriate way, of course) or what you wish you would have known then that you know now.

10. Do lead with vulnerability. This goes hand in hand with the last one. So often dads expect things of their daughters (and the guys they date) that have a historical base in their own story. Perhaps you’re recalling poor choices you’ve made or regrets you have. And yes, you are speaking with wisdom now, but without more context, your daughter may say you’re out of touch with her current reality. Tell more of your backstory. (You can use specific templates on this topic in my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters in the section titled, Lead Her to Listen).

There you have it, Dad: Ten of your twenty specific areas of focus to set your relational GPS in talking with your daughter about sex. 

In the next two weeks---between part one and part two of this blog series---I encourage you to begin practicing these ten skills here. They will set the foundation for your upcoming conversation with your daughter that lets her know she is safe to open up to you. 

Go Dads!

Click here for the template to guide you through this conversation with your daughter. 

5 Keys to Decoding Your Daughter

Have you ever secretly wished that your daughter came with a decoder ring? Or if not a ring, perhaps a playbook?

Truth be told: Don’t you think it would be far easier to be a dialed-in dad if your daughter consistently made more sense to you? And wouldn’t it be wonderful if there were some manual that told you what to say and what not to say, as well as what to do and what not to do to get it right as a #girldad?!

Just so you feel less alone, I want you to know how often I hear dads say to me, “I have no idea what to do to help my daughter.” I’m truly honored whenever a man is vulnerable and willing to ask for input.

Dad, here’s what I want you to hear from my heart to yours, something I don’t think you hear enough:

Not only are you important, but you are vital to your daughter’s health and well-being—even if her words and behavior at times speak to the contrary. I also want you to know that you matter...a lot…and without your active engagement, your daughter will suffer.

And though you may feel in over your head at times, I want you to know that you’re in good company. I’ve noticed that men are often keenly aware of their deficits and find it easier to disqualify themselves than face the potential confirmation of incompetence. Add in the additional complexity of fathering a daughter whose needs intensify as she matures, and many fathers are stepping back rather than stepping in.

Though I don’t claim to have a corner on all things female, when it comes to coaching dads of daughters, I do know some insider trade secrets regarding what girls need from their dads in order to thrive. Though this list barely scratches the surface, it will get the conversation started.

As a dad of a daughter, here are a few things you need to know in order to decode your daughter, especially if she doesn’t know how to tell you these things herself:

1. She longs for your approval.

If your daughter has ever given you the message that you are unnecessary, don’t believe her. She’s craving your support and affirmation. And if she doesn’t get what she needs from you, she’ll go looking for it elsewhere. When she looks at you, you’re like a mirror who reflects back an image of herself that she internalizes. This is why it’s vital that you never give her the message that she’s more than you can handle. Keep giving positive, consistent, and intentional investments—with your words, time, and attention.

2. Even if she pushes you away, don’t go away.

It often saddens me to hear dads assume they don’t have value in the lives of their daughters because the bases are already covered elsewhere. I do understand that as girls mature, they are less predictable, more verbal, and way more emotional, which makes it very challenging for dads. But it’s important to know that this is when hormones begin to rage in her body and brain (over which she has no control since it’s about estrogen surging through her body), and they impact her moods, behavior, and thinking. This is normal and these are realities over which she has no control. This is when she needs you even more during these years, dad. If you back away, your daughter could conclude that she’s not worth loving. Your active presence (a.k.a. moving towards her and initiating time together) lets her know she is worthy and valuable. 

3.  She needs you to always respond with kindness.

Just know that it goes a long way to keeping her heart open when you speak kindly, gently, tenderly, and patiently. If you’re at a loss for words, simply say: “I want to understand. Help me understand.”  These words align with Malachi 4:6 where God directs fathers to turn their hearts---not just their heads---towards their children. And although you may not be as skilled in turning your heart as you are with turning your head, as you mindfully pray for this fruit of the Spirit to be evidenced in you (kindness), I believe you’ll see the evidence of this virtue being developed in you more and more as your first response.

4. Light up when you see her.

Your daughter is innately wired with the need to be the sparkle (or light) in someone’s eyes. And because you were the first man who held her, she will turn less to the counterfeit if she has experienced the real thing with you.

When you consistently make relational deposits into your daughter’s heart, she will become that sparkle, that source of joy, to you and others. 

5. She needs you to interact spiritually.

The Barna Group conducted a study that was released in May of 2019 titled, “The Power Influence of Mothers in Christians’ Households.” You may not be surprised to hear that of the 2,347 kids who were interviewed, about 75% said they primarily go to their moms for spiritual guidance and encouragement. The report also noted that 60 to 75% said they relied on their fathers to provide tangible needs (a.k.a. money) and logistical help. This means that dads are doing an excellent job as they set an example in meeting practical needs while also highlighting where fathers must do better.

Your daughters (and sons) are vulnerable if you don’t step in spiritually.

Here’s what I’ve heard from teenage and 20-something daughters when I asked them what they need from their dads when it comes to spiritual influence:

• “I like when my dad calls me to let me know he’s thinking of me or praying for me.” 

• “I like going to church together or going to a Christian concert.”

• “I wish that my dad would ask me about my spiritual walk and if I say I'm not doing well that he would tell me how I can go about fixing it.” 

I put this spiritual decoding tool last because a daughter will be more open to listening to your input about spiritual things if you have first laid a foundation relationally with her, as noted in the first four tips.

I want to close by being clear in sharing my heart so that you don’t have to decode what I’m saying: I believe in the transformative, healing power of a dad’s love expressed through consistent pursuit of his daughter’s heart.

Let this be the year that you step up and step in as a more intentional dialed-in dad. With God’s help, you can do it! 

Why We’re Desperate for Good Dads (and How to Be One) - Guest Blog by Bo Stern-Brady

Bo Stern-Brady is one of my dearest friends whom I deeply love, respect and admire. I’m honored to have her writing this guest blog today where she speaks from her heart to yours about why fathers matter. Enjoy! 
- Michelle

I recently talked to a woman who has been estranged from her father for many years. Her totally healthy father.

She wasn’t abused or yelled at. She just wasn’t much seen at all.

The story of her dad’s parenting could almost be told in one sentence, “He did nothing particularly bad and nothing significantly good.”

He tried to add a daughter into his life without stepping into hers.

He missed a chance to build and encourage her. Actually, he missed a million chances. Daily chances. And he missed nearly every opportunity to protect her from boys who also wanted to make her an accessory to their lives, but not a prize.

Similar stories are everywhere.

I know that dads are a popular scapegoat, and I’m not looking to castigate them here. But I will say: I believe the dad/daughter relationship is one of the most important and foundational elements to our well-being as women.

Our dads have the ability to teach without words.

Regardless of their educational background, vocational success or communication techniques, they constantly teach us (maybe more than anyone) about our own worth as women.

They teach us about beauty and how men view it.

They teach us about body image and sexuality and marriage and safety and commitment.

It’s ironic that men – who I think feel WAY in over their heads communicating to women – are holding so many of the cards when it comes to their daughters.

Today, I’m grateful for two things:

1. I’m so thankful for the good guys and the way they father their girls. (This includes my first husband who is now in heaven, and my current husband who is a boots-on-the-ground, do-what-you-say, stick-to-your-word kind of man and father).

2. Men who are willing to do the hard work of becoming better dads, which includes reading Michelle’s books. Because she writes in a way that men will enjoy, you will see that she does not take cheap shots or ridicule or condescend. She respects men and the role they fill and her writing proves it.

If you are a dad---or know a dad---struggling to connect with his daughter, you can learn on the job if you’re willing. For starters, grab her most recent book. You won’t be sorry. Not ever.

With hope, Bo

Dad, Let's Revisit the Anger Thing

Dad, you know I’m your ally.

I want to see you ‘hit it out of the ballpark’ as a dad to your daughter. I stand in alliance with you in acknowledging that your influence is powerful as you raise and release your healthy, empowered daughter into the world.

This means that anything that stands in the way of achieving that goal has to be addressed. 

There has to be change if anything---or anyone---is standing in the way of this happening. If that someone is you who is causing your daughter harm, then I encourage you to be honest so that course correction can take place. If you, as her father and primary influencer, are responding and behaving in ways that are counterproductive to seeing your daughter thrive, it’s time to address it, wouldn’t you agree?

Based on what I’m hearing, I want to revisit the topic of anger. 

I’ve addressed the destructive impact that a dad’s anger has on his daughter’s health and well-being. And based on over four decades of interacting and mentoring girls and young women, I will say it again: 

Anger is where so many girls and women carry the most hurt from their dads.

Stated otherwise, my goal is to help you understand what your daughter really wants from you, and I am seeking to lead you to look underneath your anger so you can uproot it.

Listen to the words of two young daughters who shared their true thoughts with me:

“I make my dad angry. Just the act of me breathing makes him angry. I’m the source of his anger and he has mentioned that I am on a few occasions. When my father gets frustrated with me I really let him have it---the cold shoulder, that is.”

“I’m sick of my dads moods and blow-ups. He corrupts peace in our home.
I want the dad back that used to hold me on his lap and make me feel balanced and stable.
Now I never know what I’m going to get from him. 
I can’t decide if I’m done with him…or not…because at the end of the day I love him.”

If those words aren’t touching your heart deeply, I invite you to read them again.

And though I talk more about this topic in my first book, “Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart" in the chapter, “Getting Under the Anger,” here’s a short overview if you want to address what is happening underneath your anger responses:

Psychologists have often said there are five primary emotions: happy, sad, angry, scared, and confused. I add that oftentimes the presenting emotion (a.k.a. anger) is NOT the primary driving emotion. Instead, anger often becomes the funnel through which other emotions are released.

This means that when you respond in anger, it’s worthwhile to ask yourself: What sad is under my mad?

• You might be sad that the little girl who used to run and jump into your arms is nowhere to be found

• You might be sad that your daughter is disrespecting you---or someone in your household

• You might be sad that there is disunity in your home and you can’t seem to get things under control

If you can tap into your sadness without dismissing it, I promise that your anger will begin to dissipate. You will balance out your mad feelings by connecting to your underlying sad feelings. 

As a result, you may cry or feel tight in your chest. You may need to punch a bag or go for a run to release your emotional intensity that’s surging through your body. Those are all good and healthy releases because you’re allowing your authentic emotion to lead the way.

And because your responses teach your daughter how to react to life’s challenges and conflicts, fears and failures, messes and mistakes, it’s vital that you find a way to temper your anger if you want her to do the same. 

This, in essence, means you have to work very hard at not reacting to her reaction. You have to respond first in the way you want to see her respond.

Give yourself time to calm down first. Then come back and talk things out or give discipline.

After all, God had a reason for saying, “Fathers, don’t exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master.”
(Ephesians 6:4 MSG).

Your soft response is the quickest way to diffuse her fire. 

Your harsh response is the quickest way to pour fuel on her fire. 

If you’re ready to begin taking responsibility for your anger without excusing or blaming your daughter or circumstances, here’s my five-fold suggestion for proactive movement through the intensity of anger:

1. Calmly remove yourself from the stressful situation. (Do this in a non-abrupt, non-explosive way so that those around you aren’t traumatized by your intensity as you get to a place where you have space to de-escalate).

2. Breathe deeply while looking around at your surroundings. (Notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can smell, 2 things you can hear, and end with 1 thing you are grateful for).

3. Give yourself a ‘time out’ as many minutes as your age. (If you’re 50, for example, you need to give yourself 50 minutes to calm your brain when it’s on fire---and if you can walk around, that will help even more because you’re activating the right and left hemispheres of your body in order to reduce and titrate the intensity you feel inside).

4. Pray. (If you’re in a place to speak out loud, it will help your spirit lead as you hear yourself talk to Jesus. Invite God’s presence and power to give you perspective as you vent to your Heavenly Father who promises to give wisdom if we ask for it—James 1:5).

5. Make amends while listening more than talking. (Go back to your daughter and ask how your response hurt her, then tell her you’re sorry without explanations or defensiveness, finishing with asking her to forgive you. Then honor her need for space to recover and rebuild trust).

I look forward to hearing stories from those of you who are ready to grow in new ways this year where you learn to listen to your anger while not letting it lead and take control.

Dads, Dudes, and Duds

In celebration of all things Valentine’s Day (which is only four days away, incidentally!), there’s no better time than the present to talk about your daughter’s heart strings and the way those strings can be played.

And because you were once a teenage boy, and later a young adult man, you know how guys think who are your daughter’s age. More significantly, you really know what their motives, strategies, and end game looks like.

Today’s blog is designed to help strengthen your resolve to connect with your daughter’s heart at all costs so she’s not vulnerable to the games of the dudes and the duds. At the end of the day, you and I have the same goal: for your daughter to always know she’s a daddy’s girl who is loved, safe, secure and celebrated!

After all, you want what’s best for her….not what’s best for you. And that’s 180 degrees opposite from the guy who wants to win her affection so he has another notch in his belt.

First, a little history. 

I was the daughter who gave my parents quite a few of their grey hairs. And yes, it happened over a guy. I dated him for a little over two years and not surprisingly, the whole thing drove a bit of a wedge in my relationship with my parents.

The more my parents said they didn’t like him, the more the two of us bonded. I think I was a bit warped after seeing the movie Grease right after I graduated from high school in 1978. For whatever reason, that movie stayed with me. So a decade later when this guy and I dated, I figured we were like Danny and Sandy who were destined to be together against all odds. 

What I wouldn't give now for a do-over. 

But this does inspire me to address the topic that many dads have asked me to address:

What do you do when your daughter chooses a guy you think is a dude or a dud (a.k.a., a loser)?

The truth is that I’ve seen many parents alienate their daughter when she’s dating a guy who is not their choice. Clearly the age of the girl plays a part here, but as a general rule, she is going to have to decide what kind of guy is right for her. And she will do it with or without your help.

I know it’s hard to see beyond the current struggle, but when it’s not a clear-cut issue (unless he’s abusive or involved in illegal or unethical practices), a key question for you to ask yourself is:

What do I want my forever relationship with her to look like, long past the present situation? 

I’m not saying that she doesn’t need your input, because if you say nothing then she doesn’t have your perspective or insight. But if you only criticize and put down her boyfriend, she will run to him because she’ll say, “he understands and ‘gets me’ and gives me space to be me.” 

She will interpret anything negative you say about him as an attack on her because she hears you saying that she has bad taste and can’t choose well. This is when a girl gets better at hiding what she’s doing with him if her own heart isn’t convinced he’s not good for her. 

So Dad, here are a few practical questions for you to consider: 

Dad: Do you talk at her, telling her what you don’t like about him?
Dude: Does he listen to her and side with her?
Do the math: Who will she choose to spend time with? 

Dad: Do you pull back out of disgust, anger, or disappointment?
Dude: Does he move toward her, embracing her, holding her?
Do the math: Who will she choose to spend time with? 

Dad: Do you put walls up in your interactions with her to protect your hurting heart over her choice with this guy?
Dude: Does he provide emotional support to lift her up and encourage her while she’s processing hurt and sadness from you?
Do the math: Who will she choose to spend time with? 

If I had one piece of advice to give you dads if your daughter is dating a guy you don’t like, it would be: 

Let your actions speak louder than your words.

Words are key, but keep them few. Use your words wisely and sparingly. But do use words. (Silence is not an option.)

I do have another piece of advice:

Treat her the way you want a guy to treat her and don’t back away.

Because more is caught than taught, be the kind of man you want her to marry. As she experiences real love from you, it will provide a good template for comparison. 

Here are a few questions you can ask her to open up a dialogue as you help her learn how to think, not just what to think:

• Tell me what you like/love about him? (This way you start with something positive) 

• What does he like/love about you? 

• How does he let you know he enjoys you? 

• What do you laugh about when you’re together? 

• Tell me about his family. What is his relationship like with his mother/father/ siblings? 

• What does he want to be when he “grows up”?(She may get defensive with these next ones so be careful to watch your tone so that you aren’t asking with an air of judgment) 

• How free are you to use your voice with him? (Saying “yes” and “no”, sharing opinions, preferences, etc.) 

• Do you have any concerns about him as a person? (His present/past) 

• If there was something about him you could change, what would it be? 

• Where do your spiritual beliefs match up and where do they differ? 

• What degree or educational goals does he have? 

• What career aspirations does he have? 

• How do you both navigate conflict when you disagree or differ in your opinions or choices? 

These are heavy questions, which is why, depending on where your relationship is with your daughter, you may be able to ask only one or two of them at a time. Yet these questions will give you a template to work from over time in order to draw her out. 

And if your daughter is in a relationship that currently breaks your heart, I encourage you to write out (yes, literally write out) a list of specific prayer requests. Watch God work as you use your voice to advocate on your daughter’s behalf with Father God. 

And last, I leave you with a question to ponder by asking yourself: How can I maintain a quality relationship with my daughter even if I don’t like the choice she is making with this guy?

Continue to be the dad who outshines the dude and the dud so you can be the dad who never varies in his love for his daughter.

After a Daughter Loses Her Dad

“I feel closer to my dad now that he’s gone. He used to joke with me and I’d burst into tears. Then he’d say I was too fragile and sensitive. But now he listens really well."

These are words shared with me from a woman who lost her dad just one year ago.

To honor his life, she went skiing on the anniversary of his death to remember and feel closer to him on the mountain where they used to ski together. She continued:

“I wish I would’ve had a chance to know him before he had all of his deep hurts and coping mechanisms. I got the parts of him when his threshold was maxed and then he’d blow. But I always knew there were tender parts of him that were his spirit.”

Such insightful and gracious words, to say the least. 

I wonder what her dad would say now if he could hear her sentiments. I believe he’d respond differently by kindly affirming her and seeking to understand her. 

We’re all aware that our time is limited.

We know there’s a beginning and an end to life here on earth. 

And the older we all get, the more we start looking in our rear view mirror to see there’s more behind us than ahead. 

Yet as hard as we try and imagine how we will be remembered after we’re gone, the reality is that it’s challenging to live every day as if it were our last.

But what a positive difference that awareness makes. 

That said, I want to share with you an email I received from a woman who also recently lost her dad.

Hi Michelle…I've never heard of you before yesterday. However, my dad died very suddenly 10 weeks ago at age 66 (the day before I turned 31). My mom passed me your book--Let's Talk. I didn't know he read your book, but the last 5 years of our relationship have been the best 5. He's shown his love in countless ways...sometimes for no reason. He was a very brilliant and quiet man. I did question his love at times growing up. We have had a sweet last 5 years. He helped me have the courage to buy my first home. He helped me fix it up and build furniture. We went on many dates. I am unsure what role your book played in his life, but I wanted to thank you for writing it. When he died--I had no doubts that he loved me. Glad he is home with his Heavenly Father. 

Although this is a bit of a somber post, my hope is that you’ll take away some powerful themes from the stories of these amazing women. Together they’re saying that the years of relational deposits from their dads have increased in value now that they’re gone. 

Every day that you’re still here is a day where you can positively and proactively invest in your daughter’s life, which makes it a better day than the last. 

I invite you to make a renewed commitment to activate these five things with your daughter, starting today:

1. Listen with more patience and grace 

2. Validate her unique wiring and personality

3. Set aside distractions in order to be fully present

4. Enjoy the distinctive things that make her unique…and tell her what they are!

5. Communicate with her today, telling her that you treasure her and love being her dad 

This is how your presence will remain active and alive in her when you’re no longer here to do and say these things. 

And this is what will empower her to stand alongside these other two women while joining them in saying she had no doubt that you--her dad--always loved her. 

FOUR WORDS to Lead Your Daughter FORWARD

There’s nothing better than starting the new year with:

• new goals

• new energy

• new vision

• new passion 

• new clarity

• new dreams

But let’s be honest. For most of us, by the end of January we’ve already forgotten the goals we set early on or we’re discouraged because we’re not on track in the way we’d imagined. That double bind can then lead to shame and guilt, resulting in a feeling of defeat where we conclude that it’s easier not to set goals or cast a vision for the upcoming year.

Then the whole thing shuts us down.

So….how would you like an action-oriented plan to reboot your resolve?

As a way for you and your daughter to be strategic right out of the gate here at the start of this new year if you’re dealing with:

• fatigue

• fear 

• false starts

• fogginess

• failure

• fatalism

I have a creative idea to move things FORWARD should you be ready to step up and step in to 2023 with a FOUR WORD mindset.

This FUN grid is one page that you can print out and use to open up a great conversation with your daughter as each of you choose four areas you want to focus on this year.

And no, I didn’t write this, but I found it online. And many of my counseling clients this week have told me they LOVE it! If your daughter is anything like the courageous women I counsel, I assure you they’ll also find it fascinating and eye-opening.

Here’s your assignment this week: 

After printing off this handout, join your daughter in circling the first four words you see on the page and it will:

• strengthen your bond

• guide your focus this year

• give you a creative way to brainstorm together about your values

• open up a clever and potentially powerful conversation using the prompt words on the page

And just so you know I’m in this with you, I’ll start by sharing the first four words I just circled:

1. connection

2. creation

3. strength

4. love

Now it’s your turn. Feel free to write me and tell me the words you and your daughter circle because I’d love to hear how it goes!

Happy New Year and let’s all commit to making 2023 the best it can be by leaning intentionally into those relationships we value most.

Click here for the pdf attachment of the “The First 4 Words Will Sum Up Your 2023." 

Put Your Love In Writing

This week I hosted an online Zoom forum for dads of daughters, which was a new thing for me to try….and we all loved it! There’s nothing I love better than gathering with fathers from across the country who all have a similar goal of pursuing their daughter’s hearts with more intention. 

[I do plan to do more of these online gatherings as I’m seeing the practical benefit of meeting in this way….so stay tuned!]

One thing we discussed was the idea of dads giving their daughters a special gift this Christmas by writing a letter to love and bless them.

If you want to join these dads and give your daughter a Christmas gift this year that: 

• Won’t cost any money

• Won’t require driving to the mall (you’re welcome!)

• Will only take 30 to 45 minutes of your time

• Is guaranteed to be one of her all-time favorite gifts…then get your pen ready!

One of the greatest presents you can give your daughter is to affirm her through writing. 

I speak from personal experience by sharing that I’ve saved all the letters and cards my dad has ever made me. And I’ve heard innumerable stories from other daughters who also have saved letters and cards from their dads, which are sacred treasures, especially for those whose dads are no longer here to tell them in person that they are loved.

And in a world where written communication is increasingly digital (texts, emails, tweets), a letter scripted in your own handwriting is sure to stand out as unique.

Dad, put your words of affirmation, acceptances, belief, encouragement, promise, and praise into writing because your daughter will treasure what you say to her for a lifetime. 

The time you spend now putting your thoughts, feelings, prayers, wishes, hopes, and dreams into written form will pay dividends long after you’re gone as she reads and rereads your words.

Whether you’re a dad who has already begun this practice or you are a tentative newbie, I want to share a few ideas to support your pen-to-paper challenge. 

Here are a few dad-to-daughter letter-writing ideas to add to your repertoire:

• What is one of the first things you remember about her from when she was born and you looked at her for the first time?

• What beauty did you see in her then and what beautiful features do you see in her now? (Girls love hearing about their eyes, smile, and the unique features that you see as beautiful)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• What strengths do you believe she has, both in terms of skill and in her person (her character, personality, etc.)?

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• Tell her specific reasons you’re proud of her

• Write about what obstacles you have seen her overcome—emphasize such qualities as courage, resilience, strength, commitment, endurance, and power

• Write about dreams you have for her future, whether in the form of your wishes for her or things you pray about for her—do this without preaching or lecturing, only encourage

• Tell her what it means to you to spend time with her

• Communicate why you love being her dad in this season of her life (add current things about her age right now that you’re aware of and highlight them as positive)

• Let her know that you will always be there for her, telling her what it means to you to be her dad

Dad, as you give your daughter the gift of a letter from you this Christmas, I guarantee it will be one of her favorite gifts that will last a lifetime.

The Day I Went to Prison

I went to prison last month. For real.

But just for one day.

And what I experienced on that Saturday in a maximum-security prison is something that will stay with me forever.

My hope is that you’ll be inspired and consequently be motivated to take action as a #girldad as you contrast and compare your story to the one I will share here.

Let me first give context.

I was invited to this prison experience alongside a group of people who have a passion for seeing recidivism decrease among inmates. They’ve discovered that a powerful path to accomplishing this goal is to bring dads and their kids together for one day in the hope that by uniting them there will be subsequent motivation for these men to take positive steps forward.

There was one particular dad-daughter pair that touched my heart so deeply that I have to tell you about them.

And for those of you who are a dad to a daughter, I trust that this powerful story will remind you to pursue her heart and tell her you love her every day while remembering that your freedom to do so is something that can easily be taken for granted.

To begin, imagine that you’re walking with me along a path in the middle of nowhere Mississippi on a dreary, rainy day. It’s mid-morning and as we move past the armed prison guards, we look up to see barbed-wire fences and buildings that look as worn and weary as the people who inhabit them. Together we walk through bullet-proof doors with multiple security cameras examining our every move, and we’re a bit apprehensive because we’re not fully sure what we’ll experience on the other side of the doors ahead. But we keep taking steps and walk into a gym that is the site for today’s event.

About 25 or 30 men are there, all dressed in prison garb with the word CONVICT in big, black, bold letters on the back of their shirts. Some of the inmates are seated in chairs in the middle of the room, nervously awaiting the arrival of their children while others are already reunited with their kids, laughing and playing games with them.

We walk around, smiling to cover up our discomfort as we say hello to the guys. Then we strike up a conversation with two men who eagerly share stories with us about their daughters. One has a 9-year old and the other tells us that today is the first time he will be meeting his 17-year old daughter. While speaking, that dad never takes his eyes off the main door as he anticipates her arrival.

We stand there taking it all in and when we turn our heads for a split second, we realize that he’s bolted out of his seat. We scan the room to find him at the front door, embracing his teenage daughter for the first time in her life…and his.

From across the room it’s clear that this dad is taking the initiative to connect with his daughter in an embrace that he’s no doubt anticipated for years. Everyone witnessing this moment has tears filling their eyes as we realize this sacred exchange is unfolding in real time before us.

At first glance, this looks like a Hallmark movie as this dad and his estranged daughter unite. But that’s not the whole story.

The reality (as we will later learn) is that when this young woman was being driven to the facility with her mom, she was shaking in fear, crying, and saying she didn’t want to do this after all. It was just too scary. Yet there she was, walking into her fear, courageously stepping into the unknown.

Without knowing any of that, her dad stepped up and stepped in to communicate through his hug that he was glad to meet her and thankful she came. He took the initiative to take the first steps to let her know she had value and worth to him.

Throughout the day, you and I discreetly watch them and notice they never move around the room to play any of the games. Instead, they sit side by side, both looking straight ahead most of the time. Often they aren’t talking at all, but somehow despite visible awkwardness, they stay at it.

Though we as volunteers have been instructed not to ask questions, we wonder about their backstory. We wonder what crime this dad committed that led him here and wonder how much longer he’ll be in this prison.

Yet despite all that we don’t know, there is one thing we do know: Both of them faced their fears and demonstrated courage with the end goal of connecting.

If you’re still okay walking alongside me as you picture this scenario in your mind’s eye, I want you now to hear and see what happens next. This is when the best moment of all begins to unfold.

We walk up to them at the end of the day when this dad happens to be telling his daughter the story of all of us talking earlier when she initially came through the door. Right then another leader asks us to join in praying for them.

Because I’ve read the research and believe in the power of safe touch between a dad and his daughter, as well as having noticed they hadn’t had any physical contact all day, I lead the way by saying, “let’s hold hands as we pray.” We all join hands and the prayers begin.

Then I knew it was time to call this dad into leading by example.

I look at him and say, “Now it’s your turn to pray for your daughter.” I wasn’t sure how he’d respond since I didn’t have any details about his faith background, but was overjoyed when he immediately began to pray out loud. Though I couldn’t hear all of what he said, I did hear the part where he prayed that she wouldn’t make the same mistakes he has made.

That’s when she began to cry.

I could tell that he didn’t know what to do so I coached him to put his arm around her. And he did. Right then she leans her head into her dad’s chest and her tears flow even more freely. I say to her, “Let out your tears, baby, because this is how your heart will heal.”

I’ll always remember that moment when a dad’s prayer over his teenage daughter opened the floodgates of her emotions as she heard her dad’s love expressed through an unrehearsed genuine prayer.

I was reminded anew that a dad doesn’t have to know how to pray in order to actually pray for his daughter. All he has to do is open his mouth and ask God to move in ways that align with what is on his heart for her.

Yes, bad choices and prison walls kept this dad from reaching his daughter’s heart and life for 17 years. But on this day he faced her and embraced her.

Dad, you don’t need to spend a day in prison to be reminded that you have the freedom to lead and love your daughter boldly.

So the question I ask you is: What’s your reason for letting one more day go by without facing, embracing, talking, praying, and telling your daughter how much you love her and why you do.

I know there’s one incarcerated dad who would trade places with you in a heartbeat just to have the ability to do all of that freely today.