Guys, Are We Afraid of Asking "Hard" Questions? (Guest Blog by Alex Gerber)

A few months ago I sent an email to Dr. Michelle with this question: “I was wondering...have you ever thought about applying your insights on dad-daughter relationships from ‘Let's Talk’ to a book about marriage? I've been finding your stuff in the ‘Let's Talk’ book to be incredibly helpful for my relationship with my daughters, and it also seems applicable to the marriage relationship too.” 

She immediately wrote back and said, “Wow...there’s an idea I haven’t thought of! I do often remind dads that their wife (or ex-wife) is a daughter too so all these things with their daughters also apply to marriage. I haven’t felt led to write a marriage book, but here’s an idea: What if you gave my book to 10 or 15 guys and then created a support group to apply the same principles to better understand and pursue the hearts of your wives.”

That’s all it took for me to reach out to 12 guys and ask if they would be willing to ask their wife this question: On a scale of 1 to 10, how deeply do I connect with you?

There was a common thread in their initial responses: “That’s a hard question!”

Several were actually not sure if they really wanted to know the answer to this question. And some were afraid to even ask.

Perhaps we as men all hoped that if we asked, we would get at least an 8 or 9. But what if we got a 4 or a 5? How would that feel?

Now I have a question for you guys who are reading this: How would you respond if you got a low number response?

Would you be angry, upset, or defensive?
Would you be deeply wounded?
Would you blame her…or yourself…for the low score?

Or, would you be curious and say, “Please tell me more about why you scored me that way?” or “How can I improve my score?”

To be honest, I was afraid to ask.

Afraid of hard questions that might expose a broken connection.
Afraid of how my wife might answer.
But mostly, afraid because I knew our connection was damaged and I just didn't know how to “fix” it.

“Fixing" a low score, at least to me, involved doing something I thought needed to be done to solve the problem. Then even if she shared something good, if I missed the mark on how she needed to feel more connected to me, my “score” still probably wasn't going to improve.

I’ve realized that when I try harder and harder to “fix” it, we both end up feeling farther and farther away, disconnected. Then I end up even more afraid to ask the tough, difficult questions and more frustrated with where we are.

Asking “harder,” deeper, better questions about our relationships and about how we can improve can be intimidating. Yet it’s also very revealing.

But it is one key way to connect deeper to the heart of the woman and daughters we love.

And finding a way into that depth is essential, in my opinion, to building a strong, healthy connection with her.

I was encouraged recently when asking this same question to a larger group of approximately 50 men.

There were several who were curious to learn more about what their spouse (or girlfriend) might say and how they could connect better.

Even if they felt afraid, they asked. And then they shared the responses they heard. It was clear they wanted a better relationship and were interested in feedback on how to get there.

Guys, how can we move past fear?
How can we love well, listen curiously, and connect deeper?
And how will you know if you are connecting well unless you ask?

Are you ready to be an intentional, courageous man and jump into curiosity about how you are connecting with your wife (or girlfriend) and your daughters?

If you're reading this article through, I'm going to say, YES, YOU ARE!

A man who moves past fear and into the risk of deeper conversations will discover huge potential for discovery, intimacy, and growth.

Let's do this, dads!

Be amazed at the wonder you will uncover in asking and hearing the answer to this simple “hard” question.

Once again, here’s the question to ask your wife (or girlfriend): On a scale of 1 to 10, how deeply do I connect with you…and how can I improve my score?

Ask it today, with a curious, humble heart.

Alex Gerber describes himself as "just a regular guy" who lives in Charleston, SC. He works as a home health physical therapist. He has two daughters Savannah (10) and Eloise (7). They enjoy “adventuring”, being outside, fossil hunting, and playing silly games. He enjoys running, surfing, hiking, camping, and being in nature. Also enjoys asking curious questions to learn and prompt deep thought.

Put Your Love In Writing (a last minute Christmas gift that’s guaranteed to be your daughter’s favorite!)

Merry Christmas Dad! I know we’re all pressed for time as we get closer to December 25th, so I’m meeting you where you’re at with a last minute Christmas gift that’s guaranteed to be your daughter’s favorite!

If you want to give your daughter a Christmas gift this year that: 

• Won’t cost any money

• Won’t require driving to the mall (you’re welcome!)

• Will only take 30 to 45 minutes of your time

• Is guaranteed to be one of her all-time favorite gifts…then get your pen ready!

One of the greatest presents you can give your daughter is to affirm her through writing. 

I speak from personal experience by sharing that I’ve saved all the letters and cards my dad has ever made me. And I’ve heard innumerable stories from other daughters who also have saved letters and cards from their dads, which are sacred treasures, especially for those whose dads are no longer here to tell them in person that they are loved.

And in a world where written communication is increasingly digital (texts, emails, tweets), a letter scripted in your own handwriting is sure to stand out as unique.

Dad, put your words of affirmation, acceptances, belief, encouragement, promise, and praise into writing because your daughter will treasure what you say to her for a lifetime. 

The time you spend now putting your thoughts, feelings, prayers, wishes, hopes, and dreams into written form will pay dividends long after you’re gone as she reads and rereads your words.

Whether you’re a dad who has already begun this practice or you are a tentative newbie, I want to share a few ideas to support your pen-to-paper challenge. 

Here are a few dad-to-daughter letter-writing ideas to add to your repertoire:

• What is one of the first things you remember about her from when she was born and you looked at her for the first time?

• What beauty did you see in her then and what beautiful features do you see in her now? (Girls love hearing about their eyes, smile, and the unique features that you see as beautiful)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• What strengths do you believe she has, both in terms of skill and in her person (her character, personality, etc.)?

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• Tell her specific reasons you’re proud of her

• Write about what obstacles you have seen her overcome—emphasize such qualities as courage, resilience, strength, commitment, endurance, and power

• Write about dreams you have for her future, whether in the form of your wishes for her or things you pray about for her—do this without preaching or lecturing, only encourage

• Tell her what it means to you to spend time with her

• Communicate why you love being her dad in this season of her life (add current things about her age right now that you’re aware of and highlight them as positive)

• Let her know that you will always be there for her, telling her what it means to you to be her dad

Dad, as you give your daughter the gift of a letter from you this Christmas, I guarantee it will be one of her favorite gifts that will last a lifetime.

Are You Leading Your Daughter to Conquer Her Fears?

All of us have fears. Some are little, some are big…and others are somewhere in between. Fears can knock us over in unexpected ways, they can lead us to implode or explode, they can cause us to lose our confidence, or they can keep us up at night as we replay events from the day or anticipate something that might happen tomorrow.

The reason I’m talking about this today is that at the start of this new school year, your daughter is going to face challenges that are different than she did a year ago. And she needs your support and encouragement to face and conquer her fears…one at a time.

Here’s my story of a BIG fear I’ve faced and overcome: 

During the first two years of my life, I endured….During the first two years of my life, I endured a myriad of medical procedures with extensive testing during long hospital stays. And yet the doctors struggled to figure out what was wrong with me. In the end, they discovered that I had iron deficiency anemia, and then with dietary changes, I slowly began to recover.

Though most of my experiences aren’t part of my conscious memory, I’ve lived out the truth of what experts say about memory being stored in the cells of our bodies. I used to live with extreme fears of doctors, needles, and hospitals. My intense fears were sometimes incapacitating. 

Yet despite these realities, after college I became a dental assistant, which forced me to face my fear of needles. There’s a longer story here, but suffice it to say that now I can enthusiastically and confidently assert that I feel empowered when going through any medical and dental procedure because I have absolutely no fear (and I’ve had a lot of practice in the last decade!). 

Sometimes I honestly can’t believe that I have so much courage in these situations now, and with deep gratitude I celebrate mastery over my former fears, which is truly a miracle!

Dad, I challenge you to commit to these action steps with your daughter as you support her in facing her fears just like I have:

• Never criticize or belittle her for being afraid. 

• Assure her that we all experience fear. 

• Share your story of facing and overcoming some of your fears.

• Invite her to write a list of her fears and help her face one at a time with a specific strategy. [see link to free handout below for a more detailed action plan]

• Encourage her with words that steer her in the direction you want to see her go.

• Let her know that the upside of the struggle is that when she conquers her fears, a strengthening will take place in the core of her being as she rises above. 

• Highlight that she will be stronger and more resilient with greater confidence on the other side. (And it’s always a great idea to use the illustration of the beautiful butterfly who pushes out of the cocoon in order to fly!)

• Remind her that she has the opportunity to GROW THROUGH what she GOES THROUGH.

Dad, you have a profound opportunity to walk alongside your daughter as you encourage her to face her fears and rise above them. Through this process, she’ll discover and embrace being the best version of herself as she kicks fear to the curb and presses in to all that God has created her to be.

And if you want to follow in the footsteps of another famous encourager, speak these wise words to your daughter that Christopher Robin expressed to his fear-ridden companion, Winnie-the-Pooh: “You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

[This excerpt is adapted from my book, “Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters.” For more questions to use with your daughter from my book, click here for the link.

AND...I’m attaching a FREE questionnaire here from the book to ask your daughter as you help her face her fears.] 

The 12 Best Questions to Ask Your Daughter to Start the School Year Strong

Having lived in Oregon for over 50 years, my reference point for starting the new school year has always been the day after Labor Day. However, since moving to Arkansas a couple years ago, I’ve discovered that most everyone on this side of the country is back in school by middle of August!

With that said, you can ask your daughter the following 12 questions BEFORE her school year gets underway or AFTER that first day, since they can easily be put into motion in the first week or two of this new semester.

Dad, make it your goal to address all 12 of these topics with your daughter sooner than later. On your mark, get set, GO!

1. Ask about her “first day” outfit. (And if she wears a uniform, ask about her non-school options). The clothes your daughter wears on the first day of school (or anywhere, for that matter) is a big deal. They showcase her style and personality, and she definitely wants to look older than a year ago. Take time to notice her entire look. Tell her she’s beautiful and affirm her creativity in putting it all together.

2. Ask her to name 3 things she’s most excited about for this school year. If you can help your daughter give voice to her expectations and goals for this next year, her hope and optimism will rise, which will also increase her core strength.

3. Ask her to share 3 anticipatory fears. First listen to all she has to say and then inform her that it’s ‘within normal limits’ to have anxiety at the start of a new school year. Let her know you’ll write her requests on your prayer list, which means you’re taking her concerns seriously by bringing them to God. Revisit the conversation in the weeks ahead so she knows you’ve remembered.

4. Ask how you can pray for her today…and every day. Your daughter will feel your support in knowing you’re taking her problems, fears, and challenges to God on her behalf. If she’s okay with hearing your prayer, start a pattern of praying before school each day so she hears your heart and your words. Even if she isn’t open to you praying with her, most likely she’ll appreciate knowing that you’re praying for her.

5. Ask about her friends. This is one of the most important questions you can ask because she’ll be shaped most by those she spends the most time with. As you well know, there WILL be drama coming down the pike, so make a decision now not to criticize her as she navigates life with friends. Invest time in learning their names and hearing their stories. Invite them to your home for a pizza, movie, or game night…or surprise them by paying for their food. The more proactive you are as school begins, the more she’ll open up with you as the year unfolds.

6. Ask what “starting school” tradition she’d like to do with you. Share a few of your ideas first so she knows you have some skin in the game---such as:

• Shop together for one new clothing item and go out to eat afterwards.

• Do a day trip (hike, explore somewhere new in your area, etc.) to help clear her mind before she’ll be filling it up.

• Dress up and go to a special restaurant where she feels extra special.

7. Ask about her teachers. Before this semester begins, write down the names of each teacher and the subjects they teach. When you ask specific questions about them as the term progresses, she’ll know you care about those details. (Then add this info to your prayer list).

8. Ask what she’s learning each day. Instead of saying, “How was your day?,” try being more specific based on what you learned from #6, such as, “What new words did you learn in Ms. White’s Spanish class today?” You’ll get a much more thorough response by asking a much more specific question.

9. Ask if there’s anything she needs from you to champion her. Your daughter may not have something in mind before school starts, so let her know you’ll ask her again. Confirm that she knows she can always come to you for anything. Expect to be inconvenienced if you really mean this. But also expect lasting rewards as she sees you sacrificially investing in her--which will strengthen the bond between you.

10. Ask if she needs any additional support. She may need a counselor if her internal struggles intensify, where a skilled professional leads her for a season. She may need a tutor for a tough subject or a coach for beefing up her athletic skills. Let her know it’s wise to add more people to her power team so she can be strengthened in those areas where she’s weaker. Share stories about times you’ve needed extra help and how you’ve overcome obstacles, fears, and challenges.

11. Ask how you can support her spiritual growth this year. Because our spiritual and moral foundations ground us when the storms of life come crashing in, be a catalyst for strengthening your daughter’s spiritual life by opening up this conversation. Be willing to:

• Read the Bible and/or a devotion with her each morning before school.

• Go to church with her.

• Drive her to youth group.

Addressing this as the school year gets underway will let her know you see the value in spiritual development alongside educational, athletic, social and personal goals.

12. Ask her to join you in planning a family celebration after completing the first month of school. Celebrations are markers to highlight milestones built on a foundation of worth and value. Some ideas could include:

• Give a gift to mark the occasion---a stuffed animal, gift card, or something she needs or wants.

• A family night at home with an extra fun meal or dessert.

• A family outing to a special restaurant.

• Enjoy an outdoor venue for a picnic and games.

The place is less important than the actual event. While there, share three ways you’ve seen your daughter (and each of your kids) grow in this first month of school. And if it’s been a tough start, affirm the character qualities being developed, such as commitment, hard work, and patience.

Whether your daughter’s school year starts on a high or low, you can be a proactive father who leads and loves well by asking her these 12 questions. And your GPA (Great Papa Award!) will be higher if you listen thoroughly to her responses.

The result of asking these questions and listening well will be life-enhancing for your daughter. And speaking of results, I promise that by doing these proactive things, you’re getting an A+ from me before the semester even gets started. Go Dad!

How’s Your Heart Connection with Your Daughter Lately?

“What does it mean for a dad to engage his daughter at a HEART level?”

This was the question I was asked this week during an interview on dads and daughters. I’m always thrilled to talk about HEART connections because it’s central to strengthening the bond between dads and daughters.

Whether or not you’ve heard the phrase, “turning your heart,” it’s a profound concept that I trust will be enlightening for you as we unpack it here today.

There’s a Bible verse stating that if a dad turns his heart towards his kids, and if they turn theirs towards him in return, it will offset a curse. I love this concept of a “heart turn” between a dad and his daughter because it carries relational weight when it happens.

Let’s be honest. The term, “turning a heart” is a bit unfamiliar in terms of how it’s worded. I’ve never actually had anyone ask me to “turn my heart” towards them, have you?

By way of contrast, a much more common expression is that of “turning our head.” To state the obvious, we usually use this phrase to explain an exchange of information between two people as they intentionally engage with each other. It’s about content, knowledge, and concrete data.

I want to encourage you dads by saying that most girls and women I’ve known have told me they need and appreciate intellectual input from their fathers. After all, it’s usually dad who helps her figure out everything from filling out the FAFSA to filling out complicated college or job applications to understanding specs on a car.

“Turning our hearts,” on the other hand, isn’t reflexive. It implies emotion and connection, and can bypass thought, perhaps even words. It’s responsive, engaged, heartfelt, and receptive. There is depth of openness involved with a turned heart that communicates availability as there is congruence between what the eyes say, the mouth speaks, and the heart expresses. It’s about authentic, open, tender, honest interaction based on a foundation of unconditional love and acceptance.

For most dads it’s far more natural to tune in and engage at the head level whereas turning the heart is typically harder for men to do because it’s less intuitive and takes more deliberate focus.

Yes, a girl needs head connections with her dad in order to navigate life, but heart connections with him are vital to her survival. 

The truth is that a girl/woman can tell if her dad has his heart turned toward her or if only his head is turned. We have an intuitive radar that can read the difference between a head or a heart response. 

And even if your daughter never says anything to you about it, she is constantly picking up cues and messages about herself based on these interactions with you. 

Now to your action step.

Here are two questions to ask, followed with one statement to share, if you’re ready to kick things up a notch when it comes engaging and connecting with your daughter on a heart level:

1. On a 0 to 10 scale (with 10 being the best), how well am I doing lately in connecting with your heart?

2. What could I do better so you FEEL I’m engaging your heart?

3. Tell her one area where you’re proud of her in this season. No lectures or corrections---only one heartfelt positive affirmation from your heart to hers. 

Watch what happens as you engage her heart today. Go Dad!

Put Your Love In Writing

This week I hosted an online Zoom forum for dads of daughters, which was a new thing for me to try….and we all loved it! There’s nothing I love better than gathering with fathers from across the country who all have a similar goal of pursuing their daughter’s hearts with more intention. 

[I do plan to do more of these online gatherings as I’m seeing the practical benefit of meeting in this way….so stay tuned!]

One thing we discussed was the idea of dads giving their daughters a special gift this Christmas by writing a letter to love and bless them.

If you want to join these dads and give your daughter a Christmas gift this year that: 

• Won’t cost any money

• Won’t require driving to the mall (you’re welcome!)

• Will only take 30 to 45 minutes of your time

• Is guaranteed to be one of her all-time favorite gifts…then get your pen ready!

One of the greatest presents you can give your daughter is to affirm her through writing. 

I speak from personal experience by sharing that I’ve saved all the letters and cards my dad has ever made me. And I’ve heard innumerable stories from other daughters who also have saved letters and cards from their dads, which are sacred treasures, especially for those whose dads are no longer here to tell them in person that they are loved.

And in a world where written communication is increasingly digital (texts, emails, tweets), a letter scripted in your own handwriting is sure to stand out as unique.

Dad, put your words of affirmation, acceptances, belief, encouragement, promise, and praise into writing because your daughter will treasure what you say to her for a lifetime. 

The time you spend now putting your thoughts, feelings, prayers, wishes, hopes, and dreams into written form will pay dividends long after you’re gone as she reads and rereads your words.

Whether you’re a dad who has already begun this practice or you are a tentative newbie, I want to share a few ideas to support your pen-to-paper challenge. 

Here are a few dad-to-daughter letter-writing ideas to add to your repertoire:

• What is one of the first things you remember about her from when she was born and you looked at her for the first time?

• What beauty did you see in her then and what beautiful features do you see in her now? (Girls love hearing about their eyes, smile, and the unique features that you see as beautiful)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• What strengths do you believe she has, both in terms of skill and in her person (her character, personality, etc.)?

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• Tell her specific reasons you’re proud of her

• Write about what obstacles you have seen her overcome—emphasize such qualities as courage, resilience, strength, commitment, endurance, and power

• Write about dreams you have for her future, whether in the form of your wishes for her or things you pray about for her—do this without preaching or lecturing, only encourage

• Tell her what it means to you to spend time with her

• Communicate why you love being her dad in this season of her life (add current things about her age right now that you’re aware of and highlight them as positive)

• Let her know that you will always be there for her, telling her what it means to you to be her dad

Dad, as you give your daughter the gift of a letter from you this Christmas, I guarantee it will be one of her favorite gifts that will last a lifetime.

3 Crucial Questions A Dad Needs To Ask His Daughter

If you’re like most dads, you want clear, specific, practical, action-oriented ideas that work to connect with your daughter’s heart. I hear you and have something to share with you today that you're going to love: three questions to ask your daughter.

But first, here’s a few thoughts to set the stage for the conversation you’ll be having with her.

Since the launch of the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, I’ve been using John Gray’s terminology to describe my awareness that I, as a woman, live on Venus and you, Dad, live on Mars. I’ve found that this creative terminology helps to explain something we all know:

As men and women, we often miss each other’s intent and meaning in our communication because we speak two very different languages.

I’ve actually been planet hopping for over a decade, and the more traveling I do between our respective spheres, the more I’ve sought to transport observations I’ve made from my planet to yours…and vice versa.

One of the observations I’ve collected is something that I’ve noticed about many men. Essentially, it’s that you are often motivated by crisis or need. Stated otherwise: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

To illustrate, rather than focus on you as men, I’ll highlight an ordeal that my mom lived through.

When she was almost 80 years old, she was still working as an RN at the VA (Veterans Affairs). And being the vibrant and active woman that she was then, she typically walked an hour a day, five or six days a week. And though she began noticing a slight shortness of breath for about a year, she thought it was just part of the aging process and downplayed it.

But on one particular Monday, her symptoms intensified, and this started the fastball rolling when my dad rushed her to the ER that evening. Four days later she had emergency open heart surgery. Her surgeon said he’d performed 14,000 heart surgeries during his career and had never seen an aortic valve so calcified—86%! Yes, it’s a miracle that she survived, and thankfully she is still thriving today, six years later.

Here was the question we all asked back then: How could a woman who was very active and in seemingly fine health have such a huge blockage to her heart without any awareness?

Answer: Things had gradually been taking place in her body such that she had acclimated to the changes over time. And because there hadn’t been a crisis, there was no motivation to explore the apparent minor signs and symptoms that were signaling to her that there was a problem. A very serious problem.

Reality suddenly became clear when the crisis arose. And it was the crisis that changed everything.

We all agreed that it would have been so much better and wiser had she tuned into the warning signs before it got to the desperation-emergency-almost-lost-her point.

Here’s the reason I’m sharing this story with you today: to highlight that sometimes it’s the same way with your daughter.

It may seem like things are fine within herself and even between you. But what if more is going on under the surface that she…and you or her mom…aren’t tuning in to?

Maybe you’re assuming that everything is on par because there’s no obvious crisis or need and because she seems okay and hasn’t gotten into trouble or given you cause for concern. Or maybe she’s been a great kid who follows the rules, gets fantastic grades, and hasn’t rebelled. So you conclude that she’s all good and she’ll stay that way. This is where it’s key to have regular check in’s and check up’s, just like my mom will now be doing for the rest of her life.

Why not take time now to tune in by taking steps to connect with her insides (a.k.a. her heart and her mind, thoughts, ideas, fears, doubts, wonderings, questions, opinions, needs, longings, feelings, dreams, etc.) rather than risking the potential of emergency treatment down the road? At that desperation point it’s ten times harder to get a handle on things.

So here’s your action step and it’s probably not what you think! This isn’t about you asking your daughter how she’s doing. Instead, it’s about letting her give you feedback on how you’re doing as a dad….in relationship to her.

The reality is that this conversation will give her space to actually reveal some of her heart to you, which will in turn give you a glimpse into what she needs and wants.

Here are three questions you can ask your daughter today:

1. How am I doing as your dad overall? 

2. On a 0 to 10 scale, what rating would you give me right now as your dad (with 10 being the best, 0 being the worst)?

3. What can I work on to be a better dad to you?

It may be scary to ask these deeper questions, but I challenge you to do it anyway. And if she gives you a high score and says there’s no room for improvement, perhaps you could offer one idea that you believe would “up your game” so you are more engaged as her father.

Your daughter may or may not be honest with you, but you can still invite her to respond. She may not feel safe to answer if she fears your reaction. So assure her that you won’t get angry or be defensive. Tell her that you truly want to hear her thoughts and feelings. And if she doesn’t have the courage to tell you her thoughts face to face, suggest that she write her response and text it to you later.

If you want a better, stronger, healthier, and more vibrant relationship with your daughter, I encourage you to ask these three questions a minimum of once a year (option: meet every six months to re-evaluate).

Are you in? Now you have a script ready to go should you dare to accept this challenge!

I’d love to hear from you after you ask your daughter these questions. Write me at drmichellewatson@gmail.com

• Was it as hard as you thought it would be?

• Did she say what you thought she would say?

• Did you learn anything about yourself after hearing what she told you?

• Did she give you feedback that you can use to change course with her and better connect with her needs and heart space?

To Fight or Not To Fight, That is the Question: Navigating Dad-Daughter Conflicts

One of my favorite things is receiving emails from dads and daughters who ask questions about how to better their relationship. Not that I always have the perfect answer, but there’s something refreshing about an authentic, heart-felt inquiry that opens an honest interaction. I respect the courage it takes to ask vulnerable questions that have the potential to start movement towards proactive change.

Here’s a question I received not long ago from a young woman:

Hi Michelle,
I think it would be helpful if you talked to dads about how to handle disagreements. My stepdad and I had a big fight over the weekend and it left me feeling like although we have improved our daily relationship, nothing has changed when it comes to the big stuff. I think it would help the fathers that you work with to learn conflict resolution skills.

Dad, as you consider what she wrote, let me ask you a question:

Does this sound like a woman who wants a better relationship with her stepdad or one who doesn’t care about how they relate?

I tend towards believing that she must care about their relationship or she wouldn’t have written me. I also hear her implying that her stepdad bears the primary weight of responsibility in moving their relationship in a better direction, which happens to be something I agree with.
Here’s why:

• You, Dad, have to lead by example

• Change has to begin with you

• You must set the tone for how you want your daughter to respond to you and to others by modeling healthy interactions with her.

Let me be more specific. If your daughter yells at you and you yell back, you’ve just given her permission to speak similarly and you’re essentially condoning this kind of interpersonal dynamic in your family. And that is where things quickly disintegrate and deteriorate (which you already know, right?!). Therefore, you can’t justify a harsh reaction when she has a disrespectful response to you or there’s no parent in the lead.

You have to dig deep and pray a lot in order to model to her the response you want to see from her.

Believe it or not, your daughter doesn’t like it when her relationship with you is off kilter. In fact, we girls don’t do well when our primary relationships are out of sync. And guess what else I’ve discovered? You men want the same thing!

Here are a few ideas to help you as a father lead your daughter in resolving conflict:

Dad, I realize that it’s super hard, if not impossible, to pursue your daughter’s heart when one or both of you are angry. I encourage you to walk away in the heat of the moment and give yourself a break that is as long as your age. If you are 40, then take a 40-minute time out to breathe and calm down.

I also know that in order to lead your daughter in a way that is congruent with your heart goals you will need to embrace humility and gentleness while remembering how much she deeply matters to you (as opposed to focusing on her reaction to your reaction or vice versa)

This week I’d love to see you choose one thing from this list of ten resolution ideas and let me know how it works…in the trenches.

Turn the fight to right by leading with love. It’s the best way to diffuse a disagreement…every single time.

How to Talk With Your Daughter About Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

[LONG BLOG ALERT! Yes, this is the longest blog I’ve ever written…and that is due to it being a very complex topic that merits a thorough overview, which I believe will ultimately lead you to greater success in navigating this conversation with your daughter. Read as much or as little as you need…and then share with other dads (and moms too). Go team!]

Is it just me or are you experiencing a bit of déjà vu right now? It seems like the sexual revolution of the 60’s is back again. That was a time when themes of sex, sexuality, sexual liberation, and all that goes with it, hit our American culture like an unexpected tsunami.

Now here we are, over 50 years later, and our nation is in a similar place. In our day, knowing how to talk with your daughter about issues like sexual orientation, gender identity, and same-sex attraction can seem overwhelming.

If you’re a dad to a daughter, you’re probably drowning in conversations around these topics lately. Yet most fathers have no idea where to start in navigating these issues, let alone speak into their daughter’s life about them. But we can’t avoid this topic anymore. This is the world your daughter lives in, and she needs you to help her process it (even if she doesn’t know it!).

It’s clear. If you’re not talking about these things with your daughter, you need to be. Even if you’re uncomfortable. If you don’t weigh in on these subjects with her, then every other voice will outrank, influence and guide her except yours.

Understanding Cultural Pressure

To illustrate the current cultural magnitude of this topic, if you type into your search engine, “how to talk with your child about gender” you’ll see nearly 600,000 results.

You’ll see everything from gender fluidity to gendered pronouns to transgender to LGBTQ to non-binary to gender nonconforming. The list goes on. Your daughter is clearly growing up in a world that is very different than the one you grew up in.

I receive increasing numbers of emails from dads asking me how to navigate this tricky topic of sexuality and same-sex attraction with their girls.

Real Dads with Real Questions

Here are two recent examples of questions on these topics:

“My 13-year-old daughter has made huge progress this year, and I have been relentless in trying to empower her. We are proud of her accomplishments, but also are concerned that she now is questioning whether she’s attracted to boys or girls. How do I guide her while she is questioning her sexuality?”.

“My daughter is 25 and has been in a homosexual relationship for about 2.5 years. I feel it’s my fault for not connecting with her in her preteen years. I am a Christian and believe that God has something better for her than this lifestyle. How do I connect to her to help pull her out of this situation? Desperate.”

You can hear these father’s hearts and cries for help. They don’t want to say or do the wrong thing. But they also admit that they really don’t know the right thing to say either.

My goal is to support you as a dad so that your interactions with your daughter have a better chance of being successful, especially around the issues of same-sex attraction and sexuality.

So, I want to share my response to this second email above. Perhaps my words will provide some key talking points for you to use with your daughter.

My Response for Dads on Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

Dear Desperate Dad...

I’m glad you reached out and are open to hearing some of my thoughts and ideas. I acknowledge that you’ll be weighing my input with your own conscience as you choose your next steps with your daughter.

First, I love that you want to connect with your daughter to talk about her same-sex relationship. Yet, truth be told, since she’s an adult, she’s making her own decisions and likely won’t listen to you because you hold a position different than hers.

Your primary goal must be to connect with her heart. This begins with being a great listener more than being a great talker. Ask questions that invite her to share what’s going on in her life rather than forcing her to hear your thoughts and opinions.

Second, when you do talk to her about this weighty subject, there needs to be a solid relational foundation under it first. So, let me ask: Are you regularly connecting with her to talk about lighter, broader topics? So, it can hold this heavier, more intense topic? If not, start there.

Next question: How close would you say the two of you are on a scale of zero to ten (with ten being the closest)? If your number is five or below, I would suggest waiting to talk with her about her relationship. Hold off until you’ve connected with her about other areas of her life that have less potential for misunderstanding, hurt, hostility, arguments, etc.

Third, as much as we believe that the Bible is clear in stating:

• That God has created us as His male and female image bearers (Genesis 1:26)

• Where a man is directed to leave his father and mother to be united to his wife as one flesh (Genesis 2:24)

• No longer two but one, with no one separating what God has joined together (Matthew 19:4-6)

The reality is that not everyone interprets the Bible the same way.

Of course, we can use the Bible to speak into the lives of those we love. But when all is said and done, each of us has a free will where we choose to respond to God’s Word individually. With your daughter being a grown adult, she has to choose for herself which path to take.

The more poignant question then becomes: How will you love her even when she makes choices other than what you would prefer or choose for her?

Wise Words from a Seasoned Saint

I remember listening to the 20/20 interview between Hugh Downs and Billy Graham back in 2003. It was (and still is) one of the most powerful and gracious perspectives on the topic of same-sex attraction I’ve ever heard.

Here is the actual transcript of their conversation:

Hugh: I’d like to get your opinion also about homosexuality. What do you feel about that?

Billy: Yes, well I think that the Bible teaches that homosexuality is a sin...but, the Bible also teaches that pride is a sin, jealousy is a sin, and...hate is a sin, evil thoughts are a sin. And so, I don’t think that homosexuality should be chosen as the overwhelming sin that we are doing today.

Hugh: If one of your children had been gay, would you have ceased to love that child?

Billy: No. I would not. I would love him even more maybe!

Come Humbly to Your Daughter

Here’s how I closed my letter to “Desperate Dad”:

That said, I would advise you to come humbly to this conversation with your daughter.

Be fully aware that you are neither her judge nor jury.

• Ask her questions about how she experienced her pre-teen years when you weren’t there for her.

• Make amends and ask forgiveness while being aware that you too are a sinner in need of God’s grace and mercy.

• Remind yourself that her choices are no worse than those you’ve made.

• You can share your fears or concerns at some point, but make sure they are first covered with prayer, grace, love, gentleness, and “seasoned with salt” (Colossians 4:6).

If she feels your judgment, she will distance herself from you rather than experiencing the love of a father who champions his daughter.

I pray your daughter will always know that you unconditionally love her as she rests in knowing that the door to your home and your heart is always open to her.

Sincerely, Dr. Michelle

Responding to Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

Dad, I acknowledge that this level of deep dialogue can easily be riddled with emotional landmines. Yet there’s no better way to expand your comfort zone than to pursue your daughter’s heart.

I’m inspired by Mark Yarhouse and Julie Sadsusky in their groundbreaking book, Emerging Gender Identities: Understanding the Diverse Experiences of Today’s Youth.

In it they encourage parents to turn to their faith to direct their responses when their kids need them to process these kinds of complicated issues. Here is their challenge:

The way you personally talk about transgender people (and similar-related topics) will absolutely inform your child’s level of comfort in sharing their journey with you. If you talk in a way that is mocking, condemning, or dismissive, your child will likely expect the same from you about their story.

If you talk in a way that is thoughtful, curious, honoring of the dignity of people, and dispassionate, you may find that they trust you as a guided resource in their own questions (p. 149).

As you read their words, you may struggle to follow their suggestions because you fundamentally stand against these issues.

Or you would rather not talk about them. You may believe that if you ask more questions and listen to your daughter’s viewpoints on gender identity, sexual orientation, or same-sex attraction she may misinterpret your openness as condoning her behaviors, opinions, or beliefs.

What the Bible Says about Your Response

I understand your stance. Yet I believe that the best position you can take as a dad with a daughter who is choosing a lifestyle other than the one you would choose for her is captured in one single verse in Luke 15.

“But while he [the son] was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.” Luke 15:20

This is the parable of the prodigal son. Jesus uses it to share about His Father whose children often choose to walk away from Him despite His consistent love and support. There are five proactive things this father does here:

1. He sees his child (who is in a compromised state, wayward, in process, messy).

2. He is filled with compassion (open-hearted, available, no judgment).

3. He runs toward his child (takes the first step, eagerly moves forward in pursuit).

4. He embraces his child (physically expresses love, warmth, and joy).

5. He kisses his child (focuses on demonstrating love rather than lecturing or pointing out obvious poor choices and errant ways).

This is a powerful roadmap to guide you as a father in knowing how to pursue your daughter’s heart. Even amid questions about these complex issues. In addition, consider the significant role you have in building a bridge to God as her Father by ensuring that she knows the door to your home and your heart are always open.

Strategies for Talking with Your Daughter

Now let’s get practical. As you prepare to engage your daughter in topics of gender identity, sexual orientation or same-sex attraction, here are my recommendations:

1. Begin by asking questions. (Goal: be curious, not critical)

2. Don’t talk at her; talk with her. (Goal: listen, don’t lecture)

3. Model mutual respect. (Goal: dialogue, don’t dominate)

4. Remember this is a two-way interaction. (Goal: talk and listen)

5. If appropriate, end by sharing your thoughts/beliefs/convictions with her. (Goal: honesty with humility)

Questions to Ask Your Daughter

If you’re ready to start the conversation about sexual orientation, gender identity, and/or same-sex attraction, here are a few questions you can ask your daughter:

1. Have you known someone who has been teased or criticized about their sexuality or sexual orientation?

2. What are your thoughts/beliefs/convictions/opinions about someone being straight, gay, trans- gender, bi-sexual, non-binary, or non-gender (one who experiences gender as both male and female)?

3. How would you describe the cultural climate around you in response to someone saying that he or she is straight? Is it accepted? Or is exploration around sexuality encouraged and celebrated, even questioned, and how does that impact you?

4. How do you view your own sexuality? Would you describe yourself by using any of these terms listed above (#2) or would you describe yourself another way?

5. I want you to know that I love you and I always will. Have I ever made you feel unlovable, unaccepted, or unworthy because of your sexuality? Or for any other reason?

6. Is there anything about my beliefs or convictions or attitudes that has ever shut you down or made it hard to talk with me about these things?

7. How can I better support you now that we’ve talked honestly and this is all out in the open?

8. Would you be willing to hear my thoughts/beliefs/convictions/opinions around sexuality? My goal isn’t to preach at you, dominate you, shame you, or belittle you, but I would appreciate being able to share my heart with you for a few minutes. Would that be okay? [If she says no, you must honor her by lovingly ending the conversation there. Perhaps she’ll be open to hearing from you at another time. Your warm response today will set a foundation for the future, even if she doesn’t want to hear your thoughts right now.]

Dad, now is the time to build your competence and confidence as you invest in your daughter’s life by talking with her about these topics, leading with bold intention and courageous pursuit with a foundation of honor, love, and respect.

The Garrison of Comparison

I can’t believe how often I get nicked by “the garrison of comparison.” That’s what I’ve been calling it lately.

A garrison is “a body of troops stationed in a fortified place.”

This definition creates a picture in my mind of the people I compare myself to. When I was younger, it showed up in the form of sibling rivalry. Now it’s more about others who are succeeding in areas where I wish I was. The reality is that I see all of these people standing around me as a “body of troops” and I’m the one stuck in the middle, the one who ends up feeling immobilized and trapped, “stationed in a fortified place” when I size my life up next to theirs.

I often describe this kind of thinking as being in a hamster wheel, running fast, yet going nowhere.

I wish I didn’t do this or think like this. I wish I could stay in my lane without looking in my peripheral vision to see the “runner” next to me. Yet whether I’m looking at someone else’s successes or opportunities or at their body shape or martial status (this was significant before I was married), it too often catches me by surprise. And once it grabs hold, it doesn’t let go very easily.

As you hear me say these things, do any of my words remind you of things you’ve heard your daughter express?

If she hasn’t revealed them to you, I would venture a guess that she’s been garrisoned by the trap of comparison just like I have. And I imagine that it’s seeking a stranglehold on her, just like it has on me.

So what can you do to guide your daughter to avoid the comparison trap?

1. Ask her to share how or where or in what ways she compares herself to others.

2. Tell her what you see when you view her life---work ethic, commitment, endurance, generosity, strength of character, etc.---so she can replay your perspective to combat her critical thoughts.

Perhaps, like me, you’ve read II Corinthians 10:12 that says comparing and measuring ourselves to others not only isn’t wise, but it’s like “moving into someone else’s territory” (The Message Bible). That really is what it’s like when we don’t stay in our lane to run our own unique race that’s set before us.

I want to be free from comparison. I’m sure your daughter does too.

So I decided to take some action and created a visual diagram. [This is a practical exercise to do with your daughter].

I drew a circle with the word “me” in the center. Then I wrote the names of people in my life who I compare myself to all around that circle. There in black and white I had to admit that jealousy comes up for me even though I love these friends and celebrate their gifts and opportunities.

I noticed the negative feelings I had inside as I faced the harsh realities before me.

But then, by way of contrast, I drew a second picture. Again, I started with a circle and wrote “me” in the center, but this time I wrote the names of the Trinity (Father God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit) around me.

Immediately I felt calm inside. It was almost as if I was getting a hug from the Three of Them! I realized anew that when I look at my reflection in Their mirror, I’m at peace with who I am and where I am.

[If you or your daughter aren’t comfortable relating to God in this way, you could make your second picture such that all around your daughter are the names of those in your family and her life who unconditionally love her, independent of anything she does or doesn‘t do, and ask her to notice how she feels].

I trust that wherever your daughter is at, you will reinforce the truth that she is precious just the way she is. Whether her body is too this or too that, whether she has or has not, whether she’s got it or doesn’t, whether she’s up or she’s down, the most important things to reinforce are that:

• You love her fully just the way she is

• God has His hand on her life, even if she can’t feel it

• As she keeps looking to God for the truth of her identity, she’ll be happier and steadier in her own lane, being her authentic self

That’s the beautiful kind of “fortified place” that will bring her safety, security and peace.