How to Talk With Your Daughter About Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

[LONG BLOG ALERT! Yes, this is the longest blog I’ve ever written…and that is due to it being a very complex topic that merits a thorough overview, which I believe will ultimately lead you to greater success in navigating this conversation with your daughter. Read as much or as little as you need…and then share with other dads (and moms too). Go team!]

Is it just me or are you experiencing a bit of déjà vu right now? It seems like the sexual revolution of the 60’s is back again. That was a time when themes of sex, sexuality, sexual liberation, and all that goes with it, hit our American culture like an unexpected tsunami.

Now here we are, over 50 years later, and our nation is in a similar place. In our day, knowing how to talk with your daughter about issues like sexual orientation, gender identity, and same-sex attraction can seem overwhelming.

If you’re a dad to a daughter, you’re probably drowning in conversations around these topics lately. Yet most fathers have no idea where to start in navigating these issues, let alone speak into their daughter’s life about them. But we can’t avoid this topic anymore. This is the world your daughter lives in, and she needs you to help her process it (even if she doesn’t know it!).

It’s clear. If you’re not talking about these things with your daughter, you need to be. Even if you’re uncomfortable. If you don’t weigh in on these subjects with her, then every other voice will outrank, influence and guide her except yours.

Understanding Cultural Pressure

To illustrate the current cultural magnitude of this topic, if you type into your search engine, “how to talk with your child about gender” you’ll see nearly 600,000 results.

You’ll see everything from gender fluidity to gendered pronouns to transgender to LGBTQ to non-binary to gender nonconforming. The list goes on. Your daughter is clearly growing up in a world that is very different than the one you grew up in.

I receive increasing numbers of emails from dads asking me how to navigate this tricky topic of sexuality and same-sex attraction with their girls.

Real Dads with Real Questions

Here are two recent examples of questions on these topics:

“My 13-year-old daughter has made huge progress this year, and I have been relentless in trying to empower her. We are proud of her accomplishments, but also are concerned that she now is questioning whether she’s attracted to boys or girls. How do I guide her while she is questioning her sexuality?”.

“My daughter is 25 and has been in a homosexual relationship for about 2.5 years. I feel it’s my fault for not connecting with her in her preteen years. I am a Christian and believe that God has something better for her than this lifestyle. How do I connect to her to help pull her out of this situation? Desperate.”

You can hear these father’s hearts and cries for help. They don’t want to say or do the wrong thing. But they also admit that they really don’t know the right thing to say either.

My goal is to support you as a dad so that your interactions with your daughter have a better chance of being successful, especially around the issues of same-sex attraction and sexuality.

So, I want to share my response to this second email above. Perhaps my words will provide some key talking points for you to use with your daughter.

My Response for Dads on Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

Dear Desperate Dad...

I’m glad you reached out and are open to hearing some of my thoughts and ideas. I acknowledge that you’ll be weighing my input with your own conscience as you choose your next steps with your daughter.

First, I love that you want to connect with your daughter to talk about her same-sex relationship. Yet, truth be told, since she’s an adult, she’s making her own decisions and likely won’t listen to you because you hold a position different than hers.

Your primary goal must be to connect with her heart. This begins with being a great listener more than being a great talker. Ask questions that invite her to share what’s going on in her life rather than forcing her to hear your thoughts and opinions.

Second, when you do talk to her about this weighty subject, there needs to be a solid relational foundation under it first. So, let me ask: Are you regularly connecting with her to talk about lighter, broader topics? So, it can hold this heavier, more intense topic? If not, start there.

Next question: How close would you say the two of you are on a scale of zero to ten (with ten being the closest)? If your number is five or below, I would suggest waiting to talk with her about her relationship. Hold off until you’ve connected with her about other areas of her life that have less potential for misunderstanding, hurt, hostility, arguments, etc.

Third, as much as we believe that the Bible is clear in stating:

• That God has created us as His male and female image bearers (Genesis 1:26)

• Where a man is directed to leave his father and mother to be united to his wife as one flesh (Genesis 2:24)

• No longer two but one, with no one separating what God has joined together (Matthew 19:4-6)

The reality is that not everyone interprets the Bible the same way.

Of course, we can use the Bible to speak into the lives of those we love. But when all is said and done, each of us has a free will where we choose to respond to God’s Word individually. With your daughter being a grown adult, she has to choose for herself which path to take.

The more poignant question then becomes: How will you love her even when she makes choices other than what you would prefer or choose for her?

Wise Words from a Seasoned Saint

I remember listening to the 20/20 interview between Hugh Downs and Billy Graham back in 2003. It was (and still is) one of the most powerful and gracious perspectives on the topic of same-sex attraction I’ve ever heard.

Here is the actual transcript of their conversation:

Hugh: I’d like to get your opinion also about homosexuality. What do you feel about that?

Billy: Yes, well I think that the Bible teaches that homosexuality is a sin...but, the Bible also teaches that pride is a sin, jealousy is a sin, and...hate is a sin, evil thoughts are a sin. And so, I don’t think that homosexuality should be chosen as the overwhelming sin that we are doing today.

Hugh: If one of your children had been gay, would you have ceased to love that child?

Billy: No. I would not. I would love him even more maybe!

Come Humbly to Your Daughter

Here’s how I closed my letter to “Desperate Dad”:

That said, I would advise you to come humbly to this conversation with your daughter.

Be fully aware that you are neither her judge nor jury.

• Ask her questions about how she experienced her pre-teen years when you weren’t there for her.

• Make amends and ask forgiveness while being aware that you too are a sinner in need of God’s grace and mercy.

• Remind yourself that her choices are no worse than those you’ve made.

• You can share your fears or concerns at some point, but make sure they are first covered with prayer, grace, love, gentleness, and “seasoned with salt” (Colossians 4:6).

If she feels your judgment, she will distance herself from you rather than experiencing the love of a father who champions his daughter.

I pray your daughter will always know that you unconditionally love her as she rests in knowing that the door to your home and your heart is always open to her.

Sincerely, Dr. Michelle

Responding to Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

Dad, I acknowledge that this level of deep dialogue can easily be riddled with emotional landmines. Yet there’s no better way to expand your comfort zone than to pursue your daughter’s heart.

I’m inspired by Mark Yarhouse and Julie Sadsusky in their groundbreaking book, Emerging Gender Identities: Understanding the Diverse Experiences of Today’s Youth.

In it they encourage parents to turn to their faith to direct their responses when their kids need them to process these kinds of complicated issues. Here is their challenge:

The way you personally talk about transgender people (and similar-related topics) will absolutely inform your child’s level of comfort in sharing their journey with you. If you talk in a way that is mocking, condemning, or dismissive, your child will likely expect the same from you about their story.

If you talk in a way that is thoughtful, curious, honoring of the dignity of people, and dispassionate, you may find that they trust you as a guided resource in their own questions (p. 149).

As you read their words, you may struggle to follow their suggestions because you fundamentally stand against these issues.

Or you would rather not talk about them. You may believe that if you ask more questions and listen to your daughter’s viewpoints on gender identity, sexual orientation, or same-sex attraction she may misinterpret your openness as condoning her behaviors, opinions, or beliefs.

What the Bible Says about Your Response

I understand your stance. Yet I believe that the best position you can take as a dad with a daughter who is choosing a lifestyle other than the one you would choose for her is captured in one single verse in Luke 15.

“But while he [the son] was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.” Luke 15:20

This is the parable of the prodigal son. Jesus uses it to share about His Father whose children often choose to walk away from Him despite His consistent love and support. There are five proactive things this father does here:

1. He sees his child (who is in a compromised state, wayward, in process, messy).

2. He is filled with compassion (open-hearted, available, no judgment).

3. He runs toward his child (takes the first step, eagerly moves forward in pursuit).

4. He embraces his child (physically expresses love, warmth, and joy).

5. He kisses his child (focuses on demonstrating love rather than lecturing or pointing out obvious poor choices and errant ways).

This is a powerful roadmap to guide you as a father in knowing how to pursue your daughter’s heart. Even amid questions about these complex issues. In addition, consider the significant role you have in building a bridge to God as her Father by ensuring that she knows the door to your home and your heart are always open.

Strategies for Talking with Your Daughter

Now let’s get practical. As you prepare to engage your daughter in topics of gender identity, sexual orientation or same-sex attraction, here are my recommendations:

1. Begin by asking questions. (Goal: be curious, not critical)

2. Don’t talk at her; talk with her. (Goal: listen, don’t lecture)

3. Model mutual respect. (Goal: dialogue, don’t dominate)

4. Remember this is a two-way interaction. (Goal: talk and listen)

5. If appropriate, end by sharing your thoughts/beliefs/convictions with her. (Goal: honesty with humility)

Questions to Ask Your Daughter

If you’re ready to start the conversation about sexual orientation, gender identity, and/or same-sex attraction, here are a few questions you can ask your daughter:

1. Have you known someone who has been teased or criticized about their sexuality or sexual orientation?

2. What are your thoughts/beliefs/convictions/opinions about someone being straight, gay, trans- gender, bi-sexual, non-binary, or non-gender (one who experiences gender as both male and female)?

3. How would you describe the cultural climate around you in response to someone saying that he or she is straight? Is it accepted? Or is exploration around sexuality encouraged and celebrated, even questioned, and how does that impact you?

4. How do you view your own sexuality? Would you describe yourself by using any of these terms listed above (#2) or would you describe yourself another way?

5. I want you to know that I love you and I always will. Have I ever made you feel unlovable, unaccepted, or unworthy because of your sexuality? Or for any other reason?

6. Is there anything about my beliefs or convictions or attitudes that has ever shut you down or made it hard to talk with me about these things?

7. How can I better support you now that we’ve talked honestly and this is all out in the open?

8. Would you be willing to hear my thoughts/beliefs/convictions/opinions around sexuality? My goal isn’t to preach at you, dominate you, shame you, or belittle you, but I would appreciate being able to share my heart with you for a few minutes. Would that be okay? [If she says no, you must honor her by lovingly ending the conversation there. Perhaps she’ll be open to hearing from you at another time. Your warm response today will set a foundation for the future, even if she doesn’t want to hear your thoughts right now.]

Dad, now is the time to build your competence and confidence as you invest in your daughter’s life by talking with her about these topics, leading with bold intention and courageous pursuit with a foundation of honor, love, and respect.

The Garrison of Comparison

I can’t believe how often I get nicked by “the garrison of comparison.” That’s what I’ve been calling it lately.

A garrison is “a body of troops stationed in a fortified place.”

This definition creates a picture in my mind of the people I compare myself to. When I was younger, it showed up in the form of sibling rivalry. Now it’s more about others who are succeeding in areas where I wish I was. The reality is that I see all of these people standing around me as a “body of troops” and I’m the one stuck in the middle, the one who ends up feeling immobilized and trapped, “stationed in a fortified place” when I size my life up next to theirs.

I often describe this kind of thinking as being in a hamster wheel, running fast, yet going nowhere.

I wish I didn’t do this or think like this. I wish I could stay in my lane without looking in my peripheral vision to see the “runner” next to me. Yet whether I’m looking at someone else’s successes or opportunities or at their body shape or martial status (this was significant before I was married), it too often catches me by surprise. And once it grabs hold, it doesn’t let go very easily.

As you hear me say these things, do any of my words remind you of things you’ve heard your daughter express?

If she hasn’t revealed them to you, I would venture a guess that she’s been garrisoned by the trap of comparison just like I have. And I imagine that it’s seeking a stranglehold on her, just like it has on me.

So what can you do to guide your daughter to avoid the comparison trap?

1. Ask her to share how or where or in what ways she compares herself to others.

2. Tell her what you see when you view her life---work ethic, commitment, endurance, generosity, strength of character, etc.---so she can replay your perspective to combat her critical thoughts.

Perhaps, like me, you’ve read II Corinthians 10:12 that says comparing and measuring ourselves to others not only isn’t wise, but it’s like “moving into someone else’s territory” (The Message Bible). That really is what it’s like when we don’t stay in our lane to run our own unique race that’s set before us.

I want to be free from comparison. I’m sure your daughter does too.

So I decided to take some action and created a visual diagram. [This is a practical exercise to do with your daughter].

I drew a circle with the word “me” in the center. Then I wrote the names of people in my life who I compare myself to all around that circle. There in black and white I had to admit that jealousy comes up for me even though I love these friends and celebrate their gifts and opportunities.

I noticed the negative feelings I had inside as I faced the harsh realities before me.

But then, by way of contrast, I drew a second picture. Again, I started with a circle and wrote “me” in the center, but this time I wrote the names of the Trinity (Father God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit) around me.

Immediately I felt calm inside. It was almost as if I was getting a hug from the Three of Them! I realized anew that when I look at my reflection in Their mirror, I’m at peace with who I am and where I am.

[If you or your daughter aren’t comfortable relating to God in this way, you could make your second picture such that all around your daughter are the names of those in your family and her life who unconditionally love her, independent of anything she does or doesn‘t do, and ask her to notice how she feels].

I trust that wherever your daughter is at, you will reinforce the truth that she is precious just the way she is. Whether her body is too this or too that, whether she has or has not, whether she’s got it or doesn’t, whether she’s up or she’s down, the most important things to reinforce are that:

• You love her fully just the way she is

• God has His hand on her life, even if she can’t feel it

• As she keeps looking to God for the truth of her identity, she’ll be happier and steadier in her own lane, being her authentic self

That’s the beautiful kind of “fortified place” that will bring her safety, security and peace.

It's All About The Feet

We’ve heard it said that it’s about being in the right place at the right time. On one particular day recently, I was definitely in the right place at the right time to witness an inaugural event for one brave dad!

There I was in a room full of women, seated with my hands positioned on the counter as my stylist was polishing my fingernails for a manicure. That’s when a man came walking through the front door and made this announcement,

“This is my first time…and I’m scared!”

It was hilarious to hear him admit his legitimate terror of the great unknown that lie ahead of him that day. But, to his credit, he was there.

I was instantly intrigued that a guy would openly admit his fear, so I just had to eavesdrop on his conversation throughout the process, convinced there was more to the story. I found myself thinking that he probably had faced much bigger and much scarier obstacles than this, but gave him props for facing his fears head on today.

As I got up to leave, I felt compelled to walk over and applaud him for his heroism. I asked if the girl with him was his daughter, which led to hearing Brian explain that he was there with his daughter Kennedy as they were celebrating her 13th birthday.

After applauding him for showing up in a big way that she’ll likely never forget, I asked to take their picture while sharing that I wish there were more dads like him who would enter their daughter’s world at any cost to themselves. I’m sure the last thing he expected was to have his entrance into a nail salon result in being commended for his feat of strength and courageous commitment to his daughter!

I told him that I wanted to blog about their story and send him my book so they could do dad-daughter dates with more intention to kick off Kennedy’s teenage years. We became instant friends.

As I drove away, I thought about the powerful impact this dad had made in his daughter’s life that day simply by exposing his fears….and his feet.

[This is Brian and his daughter Kennedy]

For the majority of men, it takes a lot to reveal real emotion--as well as their toes--in public.

There’s just one word for this kind of love in action: vulnerability.

On the way home I considered how Jesus expressed vulnerability. And wouldn’t you know it, it too was all about the feet.

When Jesus washed each of his twelve disciple’s feet and dried them with the towel wrapped around him, he modeled humility by serving them that day. Brian did something similar to express his love to Kennedy by humbling himself as his feet were washed by a stranger, all as an act of love and service to his daughter.

Then Jesus followed up his actions with these words:

“Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.”
(John 13:14-15)

Dad, how can you enter your daughter’s world today by doing something that may be uncomfortable, requiring humility and vulnerability?

Trust me, if you’re willing to walk a mile in your daughter’s shoes, the path just might lead you into a nail salon!

10 Things Your Daughter Needs From You This Valentine's Day

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I feel compelled once again to talk about all things women and romance!

I know this isn’t typically a topic that draws your attention, Dad, but for the sake of your daughter, you’ll be wiser for staying with me on this. I promise!

A couple of days ago I read an article titled, 'The Bachelor' Is A Failed Experiment, So Why Does America Still Watch? by Ruth E. Samuel. What a great question. I've actually wondered the same thing.

The reason I’m addressing this today is to highlight keys to understanding your daughter’s inner longings. The more you dial in to what’s going on inside her at a heart level, the less she’ll turn to learning about love and relationships from unhealthy sources [like this TV show!]

Summary of the above-mentioned article:

• ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’ is “an experiment in love and matchmaking in the modern era…and a highly manufactured depiction of romance” that isn’t about finding love since less than ten couples are still together after 26 seasons in 20 years

• There were 3.8 million viewers last season, with the largest demographic being women between the ages of 18 and 49

• The goal of every contestant is to get the lead’s attention at any cost, even giving expensive gifts or expressing grand gestures, which is usually a one-way street

• 35-year veteran psychologist William J. Ryan notes that “watching the show is a social-bonding event like watching the Super Bowl…and audiences can’t ignore how the series offers ‘vicarious pleasure’ that ‘feeds our own imagination about romance’”

• Ryan also notes that the show thrives on contestants trauma-bonding and trauma-dumping as a means to evoke vulnerability, which is actually an attempt to develop pseudo-intimacy

• Podcaster Chad Kultgen says the series “isn‘t showing how to establish a good foundation for long-lasting, healthy relationships, but, as with any form of entertainment, it’s a mirror of the good, bad and ugly of our society, a thermometer of the culture, because what drives today’s culture is the fame machine”

Notice the words I highlighted in bold.

Read them again.

As a dad, do any of these themes concern you as you think of the way your daughter is being influenced by these methods, messages, models, and mess-ups?

When you think of the ways this show is shaping her view of romance, love, dating, relationships, imagination, and intimacy (or lack of it) that requires doing whatever it takes to win a man, do you have anything rise within you that wants to protect her heart? Or at the very least, does it motivate you to want to have a conversation with her about what she’s learning from what she’s seeing? (even if she tells you it’s a harmless form of entertainment).

My response to the above-mentioned article:

• Women often thrive on living vicariously through the relationships of others (whether on the small or large screen, as well as with their friends) rather than experiencing their own relationships lived out in real time

• Whether women know it or not, ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’ inform, educate, condition and reinforce unhealthy relational dynamics that shape their perspectives of romantic interactions based in unrealistic expectations and norms

• If women spend time exposing themselves to content that normalizes interpersonal drama, emotional chaos and relational disrespect while highlighting this as a typical part of romantic relationships, this mindset seeps into their consciousness as an acceptable aspect of dating and marriage

• When there is a lack of real-life, healthy modeling about what it means to be in a vibrant, respectful, honoring, and mutually-edifying relationship, women are apt to be drawn to anything) that engages their heart desire for romance, even if it’s unreal, unhealthy, harmful and dishonoring.

All this to say, if millions of women are watching these shows on television and have been doing so for over two decades, it’s highly likely that your daughter is in this demographic now…or she will be.

More importantly, if she’s like many of the women I’ve counseled and mentored over the last two-plus decades since this television show debuted, she will allow herself to be treated poorly in dating relationships because these relational dynamics are subtly influencing cultural norms.

Here’s where you come in: Rather than your daughter learning about romantic relationships this way----where she watches women throw themselves at a guy they barely know just to win his affection, even if it means clawing their way to the front in order to be seen and chosen, often disrespecting themselves with how they behave or treat those around them, etc.---what if you, her father, came alongside her this Valentines Day to let her experience what it feels like to be the heroine in her own story!

Here’s your 10-step plan of action:

1. Choose to spend time with her

2. Tell her you see her as beautiful

3. Show her what chivalry looks like

4. Hug her

5. Buy her flowers

6. Treat her to dinner

7. Listen well

8. Ask questions to show you care

9. Give (or send) her a Valentine’s Day card

10. Share what you adore and admire about her

Your daughter will feel like the most cherished girl or woman on the planet as you, her Dad, shower her with love, kindness and validation in an extra special way this week because you’re the real man whose heart is always turned towards hers.

This is the best Valentine’s Day present you can ever give her!

Is Your Unattended Baggage Hurting Your Daughter? (Guest Blog by Marc Alan Schelske)

Marc Alan Schelske is a friend I greatly respect and admire. Today as you read his guest blog, you as fathers will no doubt be inspired by his profound insights to help you relate in healthier ways to your daughters.
- Michelle

That morning I got up early, hoping to enjoy some quiet before family and work obligations kicked in. I shuffled to the kitchen to brew myself some Earl Grey.

In the darkness, my shin collided hard with some unseen obstacle. I tripped and threw out my arms, catching myself as I fell against the wall. My impediment crashed across the hardwoods setting the dog to barking. That woke up the rest of my family.

Bruised, frustrated, annoyed at the dog, I switched on the light to see what had been so irresponsibly left in the hallway. There it was. The blue carry-on baggage that belonged to me.

The week prior I had made a quick weekend flight for a writer’s event. I flew home to a schedule already overfull. Jumping right into the rush of my week, I left my baggage unattended in the hallway, where it sat, waiting to trip some unsuspecting family member. Luckily it was me!

Unattended Baggage Can Be Dangerous

You’ve heard that recorded message that comes over the airport public address system, the one that warns about unattended bags? The airport officials are trying to protect against terrorism threats, but apparently unattended baggage can be a real terror in other ways.

This isn’t just a problem at the airport. Apparently it’s a problem in my hallway. It’s also a threat to our relationship with our daughters.

The truth is that all of us dads have baggage we’ve never unpacked. Our hearts carry wounds that have scabbed over with time but have never received the proper healing.This baggage is just sitting around waiting for someone to trip over it. If we’re not careful, it’s going to be our daughters.

How Does This Baggage Show Up?

Coming back from my trip, I quickly fell back into my routine. The luggage I’d not had time to deal with got pushed to the side of the hallway and quickly faded into the background. I forgot it was there until my shin cracked into it.

Our emotional baggage is much the same. Regardless of what trauma or pain we’ve experienced in the past, we find a way to make life work.

For some of us, the wounds are so deeply buried, that we don’t think of them—and that seems almost the same as if we had dealt with them. We seem fine.

So, can we know if we’ve got untended baggage before it’s too late? Sure! There are three clear flags. If these are present in your life in an ongoing way, you’ve got unattended baggage.

1) Unexpected Outbursts

I noticed my unattended baggage when my shin sent it careening down the hall, waking up my whole family with an unexpected crash. That’s often how our emotional baggage surfaces too. Unexpected, loud and painful.

A common example of this is a dad’s Zero-to-Rage speed. Scripture counsels us to be slow to anger, and yet many speed past that instruction. You can call it a short fuse. 

You can blame it on your daughter’s disrespect or poor listening. But nobody is responsible for your burst of anger except you. If unexpected anger bursts in on us, boiling over in angry words, name-calling, blaming language or worse, that’s a flag that we have baggage that needs to be unpacked.

2) Outsized Responses

When my baggage crashed across the floor, and the dog started barking, the whole ordeal was far noisier than it needed to be. Similarly, emotional baggage often surfaces with a much bigger “crash” than seems reasonable.

If your daughter does something irritating or forgets some small responsibility, how do you react? Think about the tone of voice you use, the type of language you employ, the level of consequence you apply.

If what she did, objectively, weighs in at about a 4 or 5 in terms of seriousness, but the intensity of your response to her is more like a 9 or 10, that’s an outsized response. Maybe you pride yourself on being a strict parent, or “not taking any garbage.”

Well, consider the possibility that your intensity has nothing to do with your daughter, or with wanting to “run a tight ship.” It’s possible that you are inflicting emotional intensity on your daughter that doesn’t belong to her. Regular outsized responses are a flag that you have baggage that needs to be unpacked.

3) Hidden Hazards

In the dark that morning, I couldn’t see my luggage in the pathway. Because I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t avoid running into it. 

Emotional baggage is often invisible in the same way. Sometimes it’s invisible to you. Often, it’s invisible to your daughter.

She’s just going her life, being a kid. She doesn’t understand one particular thing might rub you the wrong way. She probably doesn’t get why you have so much energy around a particular behavior. In her mind “it’s not a big deal.” In your mind, it’s suddenly everything.

If interacting with you is a “minefield,” full of hidden hazards, that’s a flag that you have unattended baggage that needs to be unpacked.

Don’t Give Your Daughter Your Baggage!

The whole incident with the luggage in the hallway could have easily been avoided. All that was needed was for me to take responsibility. Instead of leaving my bag unattended and packed in the hallway, I could have taken the time to unpack it and put it away.

When we don’t take responsibility for our emotional baggage, it often becomes someone else’s problem. Our denial ends up hurting people we love. Then, our baggage becomes their baggage.

As dads, one of our chief responsibilities is to set up our children for the best possible chance of a healthy life. Passing our unpacked baggage on to them is a violation of this commitment.

If you find your relationship with your daughter marked by unexpected outbursts, outsized responses, and hidden hazards, it’s time to take responsibility.

Maybe that means investing time in learning how to listen to and process your emotions. 

(I wrote a book about that called The Wisdom of Your Heart: Discovering the God-given Power and Purpose of your Emotions.) 

Maybe it means getting coaching from a professional, like a therapist or a pastor with skills in this area. It’s not weakness to get support in this area; it is you giving your best attention to being the best dad you can be—and that’s part of your commitment to set your daughter up for the best possible life experience.

Don’t leave your baggage out where she can trip over it.

Instead, give her a healthy example of courage and personal responsibility by unpacking your own baggage before it becomes someone else's problem.

Marc Alan Schelske lives in Portland, Oregon in the U.S. where he writes about life at the intersection of grace and growth. He hosts The Apprenticeship Way podcast, is the author of The Untangle Workbook, The Wisdom of Your Heart, and Discovering Your Authentic Core Values, and is the pastor of Bridge City Community Church. You can find him and more writing at www.MarcAlanSchelske.com.

The Dialed-In Dad Checklist

Let’s be honest. None of us like someone else telling us what to do.

It’s hard enough when we’re forced to sit for our annual review while hearing our boss give feedback about both our strengths and weaknesses. But since it’s protocol, we have no option but to endure the scrutiny.

However, unlike our work environment, when it comes to assessing fatherhood, it’s another ballgame. In that arena, the likelihood of individual defensiveness is higher, especially if the person giving the feedback is a stranger (a.k.a. me to you). I can understand how it could come across as a personal attack when the input isn’t based on a full understanding of the entirety of a situation.

In view of that reality, dad, I want to offer you a way to evaluate yourself. No lecture. No force. No hovering. Just you lifting up the hood of your “car” and checking the wiring in order ensure optimum workability. And since we’re here at the end of the year, this is a great time to look back over 2019 and do some introspection…all for a greater gain.

I want to give you a tool that equips you to assess yourself in the area of fathering. No one else will see it but you. My hope is that in having a template for self-evaluation, you will be more honest than if someone was looking over your shoulder.

I have such great respect for men who are open and willing to ask for help in order to achieve their goals, especially their fathering goals. Although many dads I’ve spoken with haven’t written down or articulated their parenting goals, I’ve discovered that those ideals are actually tucked deep within and clearer than may have realized.

That’s where I believe this self-assessment will serve as a proactive tool in your fathering toolbox because it will help you clarify your vision.

Let me add that I’ve absolutely loved hearing dads in The Abba Project (the group I lead for dads of daughters ages 13 to 30) tell me that they made a copy of this self-test and put it in a prominent place to remind them of what they need to work on.

Speaking of prominent places, I was blown away when Police Chief Bret, a former Abba Project Dad, sent me a picture a couple of years ago after our group ended. Placed next to his bulletproof vest, leather belt, and two guns was his Abba Project notebook, propped up as a daily reminder of the importance of investing in his three daughters. He wanted me to see that he wasn’t forgetting to dial in even after our group ended.

Let’s get practical now.

After you take the Dialed-In Dad Self-Test and see items that are not a part of your daily or weekly interactions with your daughter, write out two or three specific things that you are going to do starting today that will launch you on your journey toward being increasingly tuned-in to your daughter.

There’s no need to go down a path of guilt or shame for things you’ve done wrong in the past, and there’s no better time than the present to begin changing the past. You have today and every day from here on out to make up for lost time.

Here’s the bottom line: Being intentional makes a big difference.

Challenge yourself to choose a couple of new ways to connect with your daughter as you go forward on this journey. (Use lower-scoring items on the Dialed-In Dad Checklist to guide you here).

And if you’re like the men in my groups, you’re ready to use your score both as a gauge for where you are now as well as a guide for where you still need to focus.

By doing this, you’ll be clearer on where to take action so you can more specifically invest in your daughter’s life today.

p.s. If you want extra credit and are feeling extra courageous, invite your daughter to fill out this form about you as her dad. I guarantee that it will show you where you’re rocking it and where you could use some improvement!

Click here for the Dialed-in Dad Checklist

A Winter's Rest

The holidays, more than anything, are a time to be extra purposeful with our families. While I take the next two weeks off from blogging, and spend more one-on-one time with family and friends, I hope you are doing the very same thing--relaxing, connecting, eating more meals together, all the things that make this a cozy season. And I encourage you to be especially intentional with your daughters (and sons), too. I look forward to being back in touch via my blog in the new year! --Michelle

Why I Sometimes Feel Sorry for You as a Dad

So Dad, I know that you don’t always have it easy when it comes to trying to understand your daughter.

As a woman myself, and one who is taking the liberty to speak on behalf of daughter, I can truly say that much of the time we think you can tell what we’re feeling or needing or wanting just because Mom does and it seems obvious that you should be able to figure us out, too.

That’s where my heart goes out to you because I really do know that the art of mind reading isn’t something that's taught in any Martian courses I’ve ever heard of! (Reference: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus). It’s really not fair to you that we expect you to “get us” without giving you any help or guidance.

So here’s my attempt at putting words to some of what I believe is going on between you and your daughter:

MEN READ ON THE LINES AND
WOMEN READ BETWEEN THE LINES. 

Men tend to be straightforward and say what they mean, and mean what they say, with not a lot of hidden meanings. This is why men are exhausted trying to keep up with all the possible meanings that we women give to events, relationships, situations, ourselves, outcomes, etcetera! 

Women, on the other hand, tend to read into everything. This is just how we’re wired. It’s a DNA thing, I guess you could say, because every woman I know has this same response pattern going on. 

We try to rise above, yet deep down we’re always wondering if your tone or look or inflection or mood or stance—basically anything and everything that’s going on with you—could possibly mean that you’re mad or unhappy with us. We women excel at looking under, over, alongside, and through every conversation, every look, every voice inflection, and every facial expression

When it comes to daughters and dads, daughters are constantly reading between the lines of their interactions (or lack of) with their dads. Whether there’s a lot of interaction, little interaction, or no interaction, every single girl is interpreting every single interaction, good or bad, between herself and her dad. 

Let me put it a bit more clearly...in a way that is stated on the lines, and not between them: 

If you, dad, laugh at her jokes, she tells herself, “I’m funny.”
If you draw her out, asking her opinion, she tells herself, “I’m knowledgeable.”
If you ask for her help to fix something, she tells herself, “I’m capable.”
If you ask her to help you brainstorm about buying a present for mom, she tells herself, “I’m clever.”
If you applaud her for her achievements in sports, grades, music or work, she tells herself, “I’m competent.”
If you enthusiastically affirm her artistic endeavors, she tells herself, “I’m creative.”
If you celebrate her academic prowess, she tells herself, “I’m smart.”
If you actively listen to her while she is talking, she tells herself, “I’m engaging.”
If you teach her to say “no” and then respect her boundaries, she tells herself, “I’m strong.
If you light up and brightly smile upon seeing her, she tells herself, “I’m delightful.”
If you respect her opinions, she tells herself, “I’m wise.”
If you treat her with kindness, understanding, tenderness, and love, she tells herself, "I'm worthy.

And on it goes.

The bottom line is this:

Head, interactions rest ON the lines.
Heart interactions rest BETWEEN the lines. 

The clearer a dad’s positive messages are to his daughter, the less reading between the lines she will need to do. She will thrive as she knows and feels that her father delights in her. 

Why is this?

Because when a girl feels her dad’s heart turned toward her, she believes there is nothing she can’t do because her father knows best.

She then is free to be all she was created to be.

Let today be one where you make a decision to grow in reading between the lines of your daughter’s life by getting closer to her heart space to hear what she’s saying---and even what she’s not saying.

Practically speaking, this could look simply like affirming her when she least expects it, choosing to write her a note to encourage her “just because”, or even surprising her at school with her favorite coffee to let her know she’s your treasure and you're proud to be her dad.

These action steps will go a long way toward helping you read between the lines in your daughter’s life because you’ll be targeting her heart needs in ways that speak loud and clear to her.

And the more you practice reading between her lines, the clearer her headlines will become.

Lastly, here's a printable handout entitled “Dad, Here Are Your Lines.” Hopefully, it will come in handy whenever you're trying to bridge the communication gap with your daughter!

Why I'm Thankful for Jay's Life and Legacy

After my last blog on leaving a legacy, I received so many emails from you dads that I decided to continue with that theme.

Here’s an observation I’ve made over time: You can tell a lot about the soul of a man by the way he speaks of his children.

And you can tell even more about the soul of a man by the way his children speak of him.

Maybe it’s because of my profession where I have the privilege of getting up close to heart stories or maybe it's because I'm a daughter myself, but the unarguable truth is that when a daughter knows she is loved by her dad, it shows.

I guess you could say that her face tells the story.

When I meet a father who intensely loves his daughter, my spirit dances. I smile and celebrate when hearing their stories. I even find myself flashing forward as I envision her as a confident, clear-headed woman who believes she can change the world, in large part due to the forever investment her dad has made.

I guess you could say that my face tells the story.

Today I want to highlight the profound life and legacy of my friend, Jay McKenney, a dad whose life told the story of sacrificial, fierce, committed love.

Jay battled an aggressive form of cancer for over a decade, and in January of 2021 his suffering ended when he transitioned from earth to heaven, leaving behind his wife Allison and two daughters, Macy and Ava.

At first glance he may have seemed like any ordinary father. But if you look closer, Jay will inspire you to never again take for granted even one day that you have with your daughters. For all throughout his excruciating battle, Jay remained committed to making sure they knew how much he treasured them.

Even as his body was failing, Jay showed love and support for his daughters, leaving them with forever memories. While his presence cannot be replaced in their lives, he took advantage of every opportunity to ensure that he left a love deposit.

I guess you could say that his legacy tells the story.

I’ll always remember the day he was my in-studio guest as we recorded an interview on my radio program, The Dad Whisperer. Jay wrote me early that morning because he found out that Ava was getting an award at school and said he needed to be there. He was willing to change his plans to surprise his daughter on her momentous day.

Another way that Jay’s fathering example touched my life was to see how he made sure to be present at Macy’s track meets, cheering her on from the sidelines. He knew he wouldn’t always be there in person, which is why he invested his time when he could so she would always remember he was there.

I guess you could say that his presence told the story.

I once asked Jay how he fathered differently after his diagnosis. Here’s what he said:

“Sometimes I think in some areas I’m less patient. If the conflict is about something trivial, I find myself having an internal dialogue about what’s really important in life, the big stuff, and how this isn’t it. So the challenge for me is to get to the heart of the matter in the trivial conflicts, and to find a way to love more in the way I handle them. Because even if the conflict is trivial, me loving them well through it is not.”

His response prompted me to then ask: As a father who is facing his own mortality in ways beyond what many have faced, is there anything you would say to other dads that you’ve discovered these past couple of years?

“From the moment you wake up, you are getting messages sent to you from the outside. The majority of them that say that you need to do something more, buy something more, have something more, and if you don’t you just aren’t quite succeeding. Your daughters are getting those same messages. From social media, from advertisements, even from friends and teachers. We, as their fathers, have the best chance to consistently send a better message, louder and more consistent than the others: That they are completely loved, now. That they are fully enough in your eyes simply because they exist and they are your daughter. They need to hear it, they need to know it, they need to feel it.”

Jay had a tribe of thousands on Facebook who watched his life closely because he allowed us to have a front row seat to his process. We all said we wanted to live like Jay, adopting his word #contend as our own because in his death he taught us how to live.

I wonder sometimes why we have to be pressed to the end of ourselves or the end of our lives to have clarity. I watched Jay’s life and can honestly say that he purposely lived each day to it's fullest, seeing every day as a gift. He knew that each day was one more day he had to invest in his lives of his precious girls, and he never wasted an opportunity to show them he loved them.

On this Thanksgiving week, I’m grateful for the way Jay reminds us all to be thankful, not only that we are alive, but that we have today to make a difference in the lives of those we love.

Leaving a Legacy

One of the hardest things in life is facing death.

Though it’s inevitable, death never seems right, does it? It never gets easier to handle the loss and it never seems like we’ve had enough time with the ones we love. Even more, the world doesn’t ever feel the same without that person in it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately.

My husband just lost two friends to Covid-19. One was 67 with nine kids and the other, 31 and single. Then we just heard of our daughter’s boss losing his life at the age of 41 with four small children left behind. The horrific nature of their untimely deaths have shaken their families and friends to the core.

We’re all seeing that this dreaded virus is no respecter of persons. And each of us is being impacted by these tragedies in one way or another.

These stories have brought back sad memories of losing my favorite aunt to cancer a few years ago.

She’d been struggling with cancer a year and a half before she took her last breath. And although she had fought hard in the last year, she said she knew it was her time to go. I saw her in the hospital a couple of weeks prior and I held her head to my chest as we both cried. The unspoken spoken. We both knew she was nearing the end of her journey here on earth.

This happened before coronavirus invaded our world, back when we could be near those we loved as they were facing death. And hard as it was to be there in the intensity, at least my aunt and I could say goodbye to each other while saying that we’d see each other again in heaven. That brought comfort to my soul.

Now my heart aches for the different realities that are being experienced this year as a result of the pandemic. And in this season of loss, the only thing we have left here on earth are the deposits our loved ones have left on the inside of us.  

All of this has led me to ponder anew the importance of legacy. 

Of course this isn’t a new concept to any of us, but for the sake of clarity, I love the way Marelisa Fabrega defines the term legacy: "It means putting a stamp on the future, and making a contribution to future generations. People want to leave a legacy because they want to feel that their life mattered."

This leads me to honestly answer this question, and I invite you to as well:

What kind of legacy am I leaving?

The reality is that though none of us will be around forever physically, we all leave a trail behind that leads the way for the next generation. As a dad to a daughter, you will be around forever in the deposit you leave in your daughter’s life.

I would encourage you to clarify anew today what exactly you want your daughter to hold inside herself as a gift from you for the rest of her life.

• Finish this sentence below and then write it on a card that sits on your desk.

• Take a picture of what you write and look at it daily on your phone.

• Tell her what it is you want her to never forget about why you love her.

You never know when a day may be your last. Let today be the day you renew your focus to invest in your daughter’s life daily by choosing to intentionally deposit that which you want her to forever remember about you.

Be specific about how your love deposit will be expressed. And may the way you complete this sentence guide what you say and do from this day forward.

At the end of my life, if my daughter had only one thing to say about me,
I’d want it to be...