Optimize Your Fathering Health (With This Checklist)

Let’s be honest. None of us likes it when someone else tells us what to do. 

It’s hard enough when we’re forced to sit for our annual review while hearing our boss give feedback about our strengths and weaknesses. But since it’s protocol, we have no option but to endure the scrutiny.

So here’s my spin on your “annual review” as a #girldad. You have an opportunity to optimize your fathering health by evaluating yourself.

No lectures. No force. No hovering. Just you lifting up the “hood of your car” and checking the wiring in order ensure peak workability. 

I have such great respect for men who are open and willing to be honest, even asking for input to achieve their goals, especially their fathering goals. 

Although many dads I’ve spoken with haven’t written down or articulated their parenting goals, I’ve discovered that those ideals are actually tucked deep within and if defined, provide a road map to pursue the hearts of their daughters (and sons). 

That’s where this self-assessment fathering checklist that I’m providing you today will serve as a proactive tool for your fathering toolbox. It supports your personal growth as a dad because it will help you clarify your vision. 

There’s no need to go down a path of guilt or shame for things you’ve done wrong in the past, and there’s no better time than the present to begin changing the past. You have today and every day from here on out to make up for lost time. 

After you take “The Dialed-In Dad Checklist” and see items that are not a part of your daily or weekly interactions with your daughter, write out two or three specific things that you are going to do starting today that will launch you on your journey toward being increasingly tuned-in to your daughter. 

Here’s Your Game Plan---should you dare to accept it:

1. Challenge yourself to choose two new ways to connect with your daughter this week by using the lower-scoring items on the Dialed-In Dad Checklist. 

2. For extra credit, invite your daughter to fill out this form about you as her dad. I guarantee it will show you where you’re rocking it and where you could use some improvement! 

Click here for the Dialed-in Dad Checklist

The Absolute Worst Thing You Could Ever Say to Your Daughter

If this title intrigues you, I’m guessing you’re wired like a lot of dads where you have a fairly good idea of what to say to your daughter, but you’re aware that it’s just as important to know what not to say. 

You’re no doubt reading this because you’re highly invested in making your relationship with your daughter the best it can be. I love that about you and applaud you for being proactive!

We all know that whether intentional or unintentional, once words leave our mouths, they stick; they can’t be taken back. Maybe you can even recall words ---both positive and negative--- that were spoken to you by your dad --or someone else-- that feel as fresh today as when you first heard them. 

Yes, we’re all human and we speak or misspeak things we might later regret. And thankfully we can ask forgiveness and make amends. But still, those imprinted messages last long after they’re spoken. 

So let’s look at this from a positive vantage point where you can add another tool to your fathering toolbox to ensure a higher likelihood of doing it right, saying it right, and getting it right as a #girldad.

Here are the two absolute worst words you could ever say to your daughter: 

“You’re too…”

At first glance, you’re probably thinking this seems insignificant and doesn’t appear to be substantive enough to merit an entire blog.

Yet the reason I’m underscoring the destructive, negative power of these words is that they attack the very core of who God made your daughter to be.

Let me clarify. Here’s how this sentence might sound if it were completed: 

• You’re too fat

• You’re too skinny

• You’re too quiet

• You’re too loud

• You’re too much 

• You’re too immature

• You’re too self-absorbed

• You’re too complicated

• You’re too unpredictable

• You’re too needy

I’m including this last one because I actually heard these words spoken by a dad in a counseling session years ago. I was there with Mom, Dad, and their 19-year old, compliant, gentle, beautiful, yet fragile daughter. We were talking about her recent stint in a 45-day residential eating disorder treatment center for anorexia nervosa. At one point Dad said--with his daughter listening--“she’s always been the most needy of our three kids.” 

My heart was breaking for her and I thought: If this is how Dad is talking about his daughter to me with her listening, what kinds of things is he saying to her in their home? I also wondered if his negative view of her was internalized such that she was now seeking to be invisible and unseen while fading away (which is a hallmark of anorexia). I saw her trying not to have any needs, which included not being in the way, and not being alive.

In time she did heal, thankfully. Yet, her dad harmed her more than helped through much of her process, unfortunately. I don’t want to see another dad make this same mistake.

I could go on, but you get the gist.

The reality is that your daughter might be “too this” or “too that” based on your personality or preferences. But, she’s wired the way she’s wired for a purpose by her Creator. It is your job to help steer, support, steward, and strengthen her gifts.

And Dad, if you do need to address negative behaviors, find a way to say it in a positive way. 

For example, instead of remarking, “you’re too selfish,” try saying, “I’ve seen you give of yourself through the years (give one or two examples) and that is when you’re being your authentic self. Lately I’ve noticed that you’re more focused on yourself and your needs rather than on others. Can we talk about what’s going on inside? I imagine there’s more going on under the surface.”

Dad, always remember that your daughter will internalize your view of her. Make it your goal to:

1. Renew your commitment to never speak words that crush the core of who she is. 

2. Look for opportunities to speak life into the very areas where you perhaps feel overwhelmed or get triggered by her.  

3. Counter reactivity by leaning in and proactively affirming her positive qualities.

4. Find ways to build her up and celebrate her uniqueness.

And these, my friend, are the four absolute best things you could ever say or do to your daughter. Go Dad!

3 Words of Summer Dadvice

With summer upon us, this means your kids are home and you’re trying to navigate their schedules and needs, figuring out how to keep them occupied, seeing where you can fit in a vacation or two, and doing all this while staying the course with your work-life balance. 

Let’s be honest. Is there such thing as “balance” when there are so many competing needs and only 24 hours in a day? I think not! 

So as a way to honor your time while giving you a three-word reminder about a positive stance to take with your daughter this summer, here it is: 

Soften Your Tone

I realize the word soft isn’t the most masculine of terms and yet if you want to see better results in the quality of your relationship with your daughter, trust me when I say it’s worth the work to hone this skill because your interactions will thrive as a result.

You’ve heard me say this before and I’ll say it again: Oftentimes men don’t always realize how intense, loud or harsh their vocal tone actually is. Then in one felt swoop, those forceful words cut like a knife to a daughter’s heart and your relationship suffers.

So this week and this summer, perhaps you can imagine that I’m the positive voice in your ear who is whispering to keep your tone quiet and your voice soft so your daughter sees what it looks like to let gentleness rule. 

If you stay soft, she’ll eventually follow your lead.

Let’s see a culture of healthy men who are completely masculine and fully soft simultaneously. 

Go Dad…and happy Summer!

10 SURPRISING Contributions Dads Make to Their Daughter’s Lives

On this Father’s Day weekend, I can think of no better way to celebrate YOU as a #girldad than to highlight ten of the most significant, perhaps even surprising, contributions that dads make to their daughter’s lives. 

These are ten specific ways your presence matters. 

Whether you’re in a season where you’re closer than ever to your daughter or there’s distance between you, these ten realities underscore that fathers are very important to the health and well-being of their daughters. And though you may not always hear positive words about how important and valuable you are as a dad, today I’m gifting you with words of affirmation!

As you read each of these items, I trust they will inspire you to be even more intentional because the truth is that your daughter will thrive with your positive, life-breathing encouragement in every season. So here we go! 

The overriding themes in research strongly support that daughters who feel connected to their fathers:

1. Do better in school, get better grades, and are more likely to finish high school and attend college.
If your daughter knows you’re in her corner while she’s learning, letting her know you believe in her by giving her grace to fail forward without belittling her when she fails, then cheering her on as she gets back up, she will keep going. Yes, there are always meltdowns along the way, but your consistent support will go far in helping her to achieve her academic goals.

2. Experience greater self-esteem.
You can visibly tell when a girl or woman is internally confident, and she will stand out among her peers. You can see it in the way she carries herself and communicates, negotiates, and interacts. And much of the time these women have solid relationships with their fathers. It’s true that when a dad confirms and affirms his daughter’s worth and value, she will expect nothing less from others…and herself.

3. Are more likely to find steady employment.
This one compliments the last. When a daughter is empowered by the confidence her dad has in her, she carries that inner strength with her wherever she goes. This translates to the workplace, including her work ethic and ability to hold a job with internalized grit and core strength.

4. Report less depression.
If you want your daughter to demonstrate emotional equilibrium, be mindful that you play a big part in helping her grow this skill set. When she sinks emotionally, remember that she needs kindness, understanding, and patience from you through her processing phase. She will grow to appreciate your steady presence until these resources become internalized as her own.

5. Have lower rates of substance use.
Though it can be within normal limits for kids to experiment and push boundaries, I believe when drugs and alcohol are used to numb emotions, decrease anxiety, lower stress, bridge gaps in interpersonal relating and communicating, etc., this becomes a problem. In other words, when substances create “false courage,” for example, and serve as a substitute for developing life skills, healthy development halts. Yet when a dad is there in real time and helps his daughter to process feelings, validates her emotions, calms her anxiety, decreases her stress, and provides true support, there is less draw to inanimate objects to do that work for her.

6. Have less body dissatisfaction and healthier weight.
As much as women may try to be their own cheerleaders, as a whole we tend to look elsewhere for validation and encouragement, especially when it comes to weight and body image. This underscores why a dad plays a significant role in supporting his daughter to see herself in a positive light.

Dad, make sure to never criticize or tease her for her weight, pant size, breast size, etc., even if you think you’re just being funny. Find ways to highlight her positive qualities, such as her eyes, style of dress, hairstyle, character, personality, and on it goes. Your affirmation will stay with her and hopefully be internalized so she can see herself through your eyes.

7. Delay their sexual debut.
Yes, you read this right. Your bond with your daughter is one, if not THE BEST defensive strategy against “oncoming traffic,” if you know what I mean! Simply stated, the more emotionally and relationally connected your daughter feels to you, the less she will be looking for love in all the wrong places, resulting in her decision to delay premarital sex (thus resulting in decreases in teen pregnancy). How’s that for a win-win?!

8. Have healthier relationships with men.
This one doesn’t need much explanation. As you set the foundation in your daughter’s life to relate to you by experiencing secure attachment, she will feel free to use her voice and express herself while enjoying doing life with you. She will then transfer those relational skills to her interactions with the opposite sex.

9. Have significantly less suicide attempts.
When someone knows their life has value, such that those around them wouldn’t know how to go on if they weren’t around, that person often will stay alive for someone else, even when their personal distress seems unbearable at times. Stated otherwise, agape love is true, self-sacrificial, self-giving love, and it lasts the test of time. When real love like this is infused into the soul of another, they will believe their life matters. And when the person validating them is the one who brought them into the world (a.k.a. you), it puts an extra layer of protective coating around their heart and life.

10. Display greater empathy and pro-social behavior compared to kids with uninvolved fathers. More specifically, when a dad is involved in his daughter’s life, she has more of her best self to share with the world and she will be 80% less likely to spend time in jail. Once again, research doesn’t always get to the heart behind the data, but the numbers speak for themselves in revealing that a dad’s involvement and attentiveness to his daughter’s life becomes integrated into the core of her identity, and she will give out of the overflow of that consistent deposit. 

So there you have it: Ten solid, perhaps even SURPRISING factors that show why you as a dad have value to your daughter, even if she’s not aware of it all.

I trust you’re inspired to renew your vision, passion, and commitment to be the best dialed-in dad you can be to your daughter.

I wish you the best Father’s Day ever as this is a day to honor you and celebrate your role as a dad.

Go Dad!

Are You an Overcomer Dad?

Over the years I’ve often asked dads who have partnered with me once a month for nine months (in The Abba Project) this question: Why are you giving your valuable time and energy to be here, willing to learn skills to better pursue your daughter’s heart, all while being pressed to engage in areas outside your comfort zone? 

Without exception, here is the essence of what every dad says:

“Because I love my daughter.” 

I believe you’re answering that question the same way or you wouldn’t be reading this blog (or listening to The Dad Whisperer Podcast or reading my dad-daughter books). 

Here’s what I want you to hear from my heart to yours: No matter what hand you were dealt from your father regarding what it looks like to be an engaged dad, you can choose now to be engaged and be the dad your daughter needs.

You’ll appreciate hearing what one fathering expert has to say on the matter (a man who is now my husband and someone I’ve admired and quoted for over a decade). Here are the words of Dr. Ken Canfield in The Heart of a Father: 

It may surprise you to learn that, in one bit of research at the National Center for Fathering, we discovered that a man’s relationship with his father is not the most significant predictor of his current relationship with his children. In other words, a painful past is certainly an influence, but not the “silver bullet.” Your commitment to become a dad of destiny can displace the negative effects resulting from a poor relationship with your dad. You can join the distinguished ranks of the “overcomer dads.”

I love that term, overcomer dads.

Let me be more specific. An overcomer dad is one who:

• Steps up even if your dad wasn’t a positive role model to show you how to be a great father

• Knows that it’s never too late to start “kicking things up a notch” with your daughter

• Learns from other dads while being willing to ask questions and ask for help

• Commits to being a strong, engaged father who leads your daughter well, even when it’s hard and she makes you work for it

• Doesn’t give up even if and/or when she pushes you away

• Initiates spending individual, quality time with your daughter, knowing this is how she’ll feel valuable and loved

• Pursues your daughter’s heart consistently because you know she’ll carry your love deep inside throughout her lifespan

• Finds creative ways to motivate her to reach her goals (not just yours) while she feels your unconditional support regardless of her performance

• Demonstrates patience with her even when she blows it or is hard to love

• Communicates love, affirmation and belief in your daughter regardless of whether she seems to soak it in

• Directs his daughter to connect to God as her Father with a goal to build a solid bridge to the One who will never leave her or forsake her

Dad, you are vital to your daughter’s health and well-being, and your presence in her life matters — big time. So if you’ve ever received a message to the contrary or doubted your value as a father, let’s turn that around now.

It is my utmost joy and honor to join forces with you as you fiercely pursue the heart of your daughter.

By doing so, you’ll join the ranks of overcomer dads.

3 Blind Spots of Mice and Men

Do you remember the nursery rhyme from when you were a kid about three blind mice? I haven’t actually thought about it in years or heard anyone cite it either.

But as I’m looking at it today, I thought you might enjoy reminiscing with me:

Three blind mice, three blind mice
See how they run, see how they run
They all ran after the farmer’s wife
She cut off their tails with a carving knife
Did you ever see such a sight in your life as three blind mice?

Crazy story to share with kids, right?

I don’t have any profound insight as to why this rhyme is of any value to us or our children, but my one take away is this: Blind spots lead to catastrophic outcomes.

It’s the same with fathering your daughters. 

Blind spots are those areas where we miss or don’t see things, often because they’re in our peripheral vision. Yet when something is legitimately there and needs our immediate attention, it’s wisdom to turn our heads and respond appropriately.

With that in mind, here’s three specific things that might be in your blind spot when it comes to interacting with your daughter. My hope is that after reading, you’ll see things more clearly because now they’ll be directly in your line of sight. 

Blind Spot #1: Expecting things of your daughter that you don’t practice yourself. 

As a dad you want your daughter to have positive responses. You want her to respond with immediate obedience without a bad attitude or intense negativity. You want her to respect others (especially her mom and siblings), honor God, and be a contributing member of your family and society.

Those are great goals, but it’s vital that you start with yourself. Begin by considering whether you’re setting an example in these areas so what you’re expecting and requiring of her is modeled by you. After all, more is caught than taught.

Blind Spot #2: Thinking that what you do behind closed doors doesn’t matter if she doesn’t know about it. 

We’ve all heard the quote, “be sure your sins will find you out.” When it comes to integrity (which I imagine is a virtue you want your daughter to embody), it’s about what we do when no one sees. 

When it comes to your personal life---your thoughts, morals, values, choices, relationships with the opposite sex, expenditures, financial dealings, etc.---it’s important that there is congruence between the life your daughter sees publicly and the person you are behind closed doors. 

Let me get a little more personal and specific. If you engage in looking at pornography, you’re contributing to an industry that objectifies and uses women for self-gratification.

If you want your daughter to live with confident strength where she expects to be treated with value and respect, especially by men, be mindful that what you bring with you is being passed on to her. This has to do with the atmosphere and spiritual climate that you carry with you, which is a very real, though unseen, realm. 

Blind Spot #3: Assuming that your anger has no effect in shaping her.

You’ve heard me say this many times and it bears repeating: Your anger will have the most negative impact on your daughter’s heart and spirit than most anything else.

Your anger will cause your daughter to fear you and experience you as unsafe (which I know you don’t want). Your anger will decrease her self esteem, cause her to be tentative and less confident, destroy her spirit, and lead her to shrink back and be less assertive in the world (which you also don’t want). Additionally, she will project these realities onto God as a Father and assume He’s an angry guy in the sky. If you don’t want her to be afraid of God, be aware that you set the base for how she approaches and relates to Him.

Anger from a dad to his daughter is always more intense than you may think it is. Though anger is a God-given emotion and there’s a place for it at times, you must use it rarely. 

Now that these three areas are in front of you, they’re no longer blind spots. 

Commit to addressing one of them today. 

Better yet, talk to a fellow “mouse” (a trusted friend) and communicate honestly about these three areas. This is how you’ll be a band of brothers instead of “three blind mice.” And by creating this kind of accountability group, you’ll offset blindness and move forward with clear vision.

No more blinders. Go Dad!

My Three Insider Venusian Trade Secrets for #GirlDads

For some of you younger dads, today’s title is a reference point from the last century!

By “Venusian,” I’m referring to Dr. John Gray’s concept in his book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. I consider myself bilingual after 13 years of traveling from my planet of Venus to your planet of Mars, and today I’m here to help you decode your daughter with a bit more precision.

Here are my three “Venusian trade secrets” so you can better understand your daughter:

1. When she opens her mouth, her heart opens.
We women don’t even have to think about it; it just happens. But it doesn’t stop there. When a daughter’s heart opens, her dad’s heart automatically opens. You, dads, don’t even have to think about it; it just happens.

This full-circle, interactive dynamic means that if you capitalize on engaging your daughter in conversations, not only will she open up to you more, but your bond will be stronger.

2. She figures things out by talking.
The key word in this sentence is ‘out.’ Because we as women have so much swirling around in our brains 24/7, sometimes it feels like we’re on a hamster wheel in our heads where we’re running fast but not getting anywhere (a.k.a. this is called looping). When we talk things out and get them out by verbalizing what’s going on inside, it helps “open the cage” so we get off the wheel.

When you’re a safe sounding board, allowing your daughter to process verbally and emotionally without rushing her or requiring that she make sense to you, you give her a gift in holding her intensity without trying to problem solve. By providing her this outlet, she will de-escalate, begin to calm down, and feel better.

3. She wants a closer relationship with you.
In my 44 years of mentoring women and 27 years of clinical counseling, no girl or woman has ever said to me, “Dr. Michelle, I’m way too bonded to my dad and we’re just too close.” Instead, as their tears flow, I’ve often heard stories of heartbreak over feeling distant from or hurt by their dads.

This tells me that women want a better relationship with their fathers. And it’s up to you, Dad, to lead the way in letting her know you want that too.

This also tells me there’s a dire need for fathers to have a clear road map for journeying to the epicenter of their daughters’ hearts, coupled with learning how to engage them and lead conversations so their daughters can find and use their voices.

If you want to take action today to be a proactive dad who helps your daughter thrive, here are two places to start:

Action Steps:
1. Ask your daughter what you can do to be a better dad to her.
Text, call, or ask her in person. Do it today. Let her know she can say anything and you’ll do your best to meet her at the point of her need.

2. Buy a copy of Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters and use it for your monthly dad-daughter date where she chooses the topic and you ask the questions.
I wrote this book based on feedback from dads like you who asked for scripts to help them succeed in interacting with their girls. This book will become your playbook as you lead conversations with intention and purpose.

Whether you’re in a solid place with your daughter or want to be closer, you’ll find it helpful in strategically pursuing her heart.

Go Dads!

20 Do's and Don'ts for Dads to Succeed In Having "The Sex Talk" with Their Daughter [Part 2]

Welcome back to the second half of this blog series on a topic that is important to address yet can easily scare some dads away. You’re here because you’re open to figuring out the best way to have ‘the sex talk’ with your daughter.

And if you’re tuning in for this second installment, I applaud you and affirm that you’re already rare among men for courageously being willing to speak into your daughter’s life. Whoo hoo!

Let me briefly review part one:

• If you don’t talk about sex with your daughter then every other voice but yours will have impact and influence.

• You don’t have to have the perfect conversation…but you do need to have some conversation with her about sex.

• Girls/women delay engaging in sexual activity as a result of feeling connected to their dads, which underscores why this vital conversation will bond the two of you. 

These were the first ten skills I presented from my list of 20 Do’s and Don’ts that will lead to a higher likelihood of success in talking with your daughter about sex:

1. Don’t talk more than you listen. 

2. Do take a breath, say a prayer, and muster your courage. 

3. Don’t assume you’ll agree on everything.

4. Do choose to talk about it, whether or not it’s awkward.

5. Don’t defer and presume that someone else will cover this topic.

6. Do come with a goal to open this conversation, not win it. 

7. Don’t stop midway through…no matter how hard it is and how she responds. 

8. Do practice what you preach.

9. Don’t preach what you don’t practice. 

10. Do lead with vulnerability.

Now here are the next ten skills I recommend that will lead you in successfully discussing sex with your daughter:

11. Don’t smash the Oreo. Oreos serve as a metaphor of a powerful way to communicate. Just like they have two cookies holding the “stuff” in the middle, Oreo Cookie Communication begins and ends with positives while filling the middle of the conversation with the harder “stuff.” When you share why you love her and are proud of her, it surrounds the harder part of the interaction, making the whole thing easier to swallow.

12. Do ask questions that invite her to think through her sexual choices and boundaries. We as women figure things out by talking. So the more we hear ourselves speak out the things we hold inside our minds and hearts (that oftentimes we don’t know we’re holding), the clearer we are. As you ask strategic questions, you give your daughter a gift in providing a way for her to clarify her position on this subject.

13. Don’t force her to embrace your beliefs. She will continue to form her own opinions on sex with or without you. If you share your concerns and hopes for her, coupled with respect for her thoughts, opinions, and beliefs, she will be more open to hear the things you share.

14. Do let her see your softer emotions. It’s easy to have the emotion of anger take center stage while “softer” emotions, like fear or sadness, are then forced to step back or hide. Innumerable daughters have told me they hate disappointing their dads, which leads me to say that when you’re vulnerable and let your daughter hear you speak from your heart, you’ll bond more and see greater relational gains. As you share what you’re afraid of for her or what brings up sadness in you, she’ll most likely connect with those same emotions in herself. 

15. Don’t react negatively when she opens up with you. This may be a hard one as you think about experiencing a strong reaction to what she tells you. If you immediately react with negativity by what you say, ask or emote, it will shut her down. This is why you must choose to stay steady throughout the conversation. Lean into God as a Father who holds you up, and ask Him for the grace to express all the fruits of the Spirit as you listen---love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.

16. Do wait until she’s ready to hear about your beliefs and convictions. We live in a cancel culture that dismisses and vehemently opposes those who disagree or believe differently than ourselves. What a tragedy to have lost our ability to honor differences. As you and your daughter discuss sex, ask her if or when she is open to hearing your beliefs. If you’re someone who adheres to biblical values on sex (which means waiting until you’re married to have sex), you can be honest without criticizing her choices or beliefs. Let this be a time to activate kindness culture in your family, starting with the two of you. In doing so, you’re modeling that there are men who live by their values.

17. Don’t skip this conversation if she’s already sexually active. You might be thinking that if she’s already had sex, there’s no point in opening up this “can of worms.” Instead, here’s what I want you to consider: By talking this out with you, she may change her stance going forward as she processes her past experiences and then gains more insight that she can apply to future relationships. And who better to lead her than you?

18. Do treat her with the respect she deserves. If your daughter has already had sex, there’s a high likelihood that her sexual experiences haven’t all been positive. She may feel used after a one night stand or like she’s just one in a long line-up of women who believed his promises but now are cast aside. This is why you want to model being the guy who is steady as you truly love and care about her heart…no strings attached.

19. Don’t think of this as a one-and-done conversation. Because your daughter is always maturing and growing and changing, so will her beliefs and choices, thoughts and convictions…on everything, including sex. I encourage you to make this an annual topic of conversation. Lead by initiating dialogue in an ongoing way throughout her lifespan. Let her know you value hearing her thoughts…and about her process in formulating those thoughts.

20. Do end by telling her three things you admire and appreciate about her. It’s always a profound point of connection when someone gives praise and encouragement. Let’s face it: We all love hearing positive words of affirmation that fill our love buckets and breathe life into our weary souls. And when those words of life come from our dad, they’re saved in a deep heart place that can be drawn from long after they’re spoken. 

There you have it, Dad: Twenty specific areas of focus to set your relational GPS in talking with your daughter about sex. 

If you’re ready to take action in having ‘the sex talk,’ I’ve got just what you need. Here’s the script to lead you as you initiate this delicate yet critical conversation with your daughter. Let’s do this…together!

20 Do’s and Don’ts for Dads to Succeed in Having ‘The Sex Talk’ with Their Daughters [Part 1]

If you’re still reading, it means the title of this blog hasn’t scared you away. Well done!

And because this is a weighty subject, I’m breaking things up into two parts. You’ll get half the list today and half next time [in two weeks]---plus your dad-daughter date questions---to guide you in opening a conversation with her about sex.

That said, here we go!

If you’re like a lot of dads I’ve walked alongside on their fathering journey, you may be tapping into fear and dread as you think about having “the sex talk” with your daughter. Maybe you’re avoiding the subject altogether or choosing to sidestep a potentially unpleasant reaction.

But if you don’t talk about sex with your daughter, then every other voice but yours will have impact and influence. You have to weigh in. 

And you don’t have to have the perfect conversation…but you do need to have some conversation [which is why I have a template for you to follow attached at the bottom of this email].

I acknowledge that many women say it’s their decision whether to have sex before marriage because it’s their body and their choice. They further assert that what they do behind closed doors needs to remain private, especially from their dad.

That said, with research confirming that girls delay engaging in sexual activity as a result of feeling connected to their dads, it’s imperative that you open up this conversation with your daughter because your opinion matters, even if she’s not fully aware that it does. Let her know you’re willing to dive into the deep end, even if it’s challenging.

Here are my suggestions---a.k.a. 20 Do’s and Don’ts that will lead to a higher likelihood of success in talking with your daughter about sex:

1. Don’t talk more than you listen. Set your goal here at the start to listen at least twice as much as you talk---a.k.a. two ears, one mouth. The best way to do that is to ask great questions that allow her to express herself. I highly recommend that you use the template I’m providing here [see below] to help you phrase your questions in ways that allow her to reveal more of what she’s carrying inside (as opposed to hearing a lecture from you).

2. Do take a breath, say a prayer, and muster your courage. I’m guessing you did these three things before every game you played in sports. Think back to how many times you felt overwhelmed, yet you stepped forward despite your fears. Use that same mindset here by first grounding yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, then step forward despite your fear. That, my friend, is the definition of courage. 

3. Don’t assume you’ll agree on everything. This is a complex and complicated topic, which requires that you lead by example so the atmosphere is open, honoring, and non-hostile as each of you interact.

4. Do choose to talk about it, whether or not it’s awkward. It’s okay if this is an uncomfortable topic and both of you squirm. The important thing is that your daughter will hear your heart and you will hear hers.

5. Don’t defer and presume that someone else will cover this topic. Too often dads tell me they hope someone else will address sex with their daughters because it seems like they’re all more qualified. Not true (as noted in the research above). Make a choice today not to defer to her mom or some other mentor in her life. You’re her dad. This one is on you.

6. Do come with a goal to open this conversation, not win it. Like my friend Steve Pringle always asks himself in relating to his daughter: Is my goal to win the argument or win her heart? He always chooses the latter. This helps him calibrate his expectations while making sure he’s communicated those goals to his mouth! 

7. Don’t stop midway through…no matter how hard it is and how she responds. If things get heated or feel strange, talk about something else for a few minutes. Sometimes it helps to change your environment by going for a walk and talking shoulder-to shoulder rather than face to face. Go for a walk and talk shoulder-to shoulder rather than face to face. Then pick up the conversation where you left off as you move forward.

8. Do practice what you preach. Think of this as an opportunity to show your daughter what a good man looks like in action by the way you interact with her. It’s easy to say you want her to be with a guy who listens to her and honors her. There’s no better way to teach your daughter how to use her voice with the opposite sex than to practice with you. Even more, if she can speak confidently with you about a hard subject like this, she’ll carry that confidence into the world.

9. Don’t preach what you don’t practice. This might be hard to hear, but I have a question for you: What age were you when you first had sex? Were you a guy who waited or were you a player? If you want your daughter to wait to have sex until she gets married, you may want to give her some context for what you’re advising. Tell her what you learned the hard way (in an age appropriate way, of course) or what you wish you would have known then that you know now.

10. Do lead with vulnerability. This goes hand in hand with the last one. So often dads expect things of their daughters (and the guys they date) that have a historical base in their own story. Perhaps you’re recalling poor choices you’ve made or regrets you have. And yes, you are speaking with wisdom now, but without more context, your daughter may say you’re out of touch with her current reality. Tell more of your backstory. (You can use specific templates on this topic in my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters in the section titled, Lead Her to Listen).

There you have it, Dad: Ten of your twenty specific areas of focus to set your relational GPS in talking with your daughter about sex. 

In the next two weeks---between part one and part two of this blog series---I encourage you to begin practicing these ten skills here. They will set the foundation for your upcoming conversation with your daughter that lets her know she is safe to open up to you. 

Go Dads!

Click here for the template to guide you through this conversation with your daughter. 

5 Keys to Decoding Your Daughter

Have you ever secretly wished that your daughter came with a decoder ring? Or if not a ring, perhaps a playbook?

Truth be told: Don’t you think it would be far easier to be a dialed-in dad if your daughter consistently made more sense to you? And wouldn’t it be wonderful if there were some manual that told you what to say and what not to say, as well as what to do and what not to do to get it right as a #girldad?!

Just so you feel less alone, I want you to know how often I hear dads say to me, “I have no idea what to do to help my daughter.” I’m truly honored whenever a man is vulnerable and willing to ask for input.

Dad, here’s what I want you to hear from my heart to yours, something I don’t think you hear enough:

Not only are you important, but you are vital to your daughter’s health and well-being—even if her words and behavior at times speak to the contrary. I also want you to know that you matter...a lot…and without your active engagement, your daughter will suffer.

And though you may feel in over your head at times, I want you to know that you’re in good company. I’ve noticed that men are often keenly aware of their deficits and find it easier to disqualify themselves than face the potential confirmation of incompetence. Add in the additional complexity of fathering a daughter whose needs intensify as she matures, and many fathers are stepping back rather than stepping in.

Though I don’t claim to have a corner on all things female, when it comes to coaching dads of daughters, I do know some insider trade secrets regarding what girls need from their dads in order to thrive. Though this list barely scratches the surface, it will get the conversation started.

As a dad of a daughter, here are a few things you need to know in order to decode your daughter, especially if she doesn’t know how to tell you these things herself:

1. She longs for your approval.

If your daughter has ever given you the message that you are unnecessary, don’t believe her. She’s craving your support and affirmation. And if she doesn’t get what she needs from you, she’ll go looking for it elsewhere. When she looks at you, you’re like a mirror who reflects back an image of herself that she internalizes. This is why it’s vital that you never give her the message that she’s more than you can handle. Keep giving positive, consistent, and intentional investments—with your words, time, and attention.

2. Even if she pushes you away, don’t go away.

It often saddens me to hear dads assume they don’t have value in the lives of their daughters because the bases are already covered elsewhere. I do understand that as girls mature, they are less predictable, more verbal, and way more emotional, which makes it very challenging for dads. But it’s important to know that this is when hormones begin to rage in her body and brain (over which she has no control since it’s about estrogen surging through her body), and they impact her moods, behavior, and thinking. This is normal and these are realities over which she has no control. This is when she needs you even more during these years, dad. If you back away, your daughter could conclude that she’s not worth loving. Your active presence (a.k.a. moving towards her and initiating time together) lets her know she is worthy and valuable. 

3.  She needs you to always respond with kindness.

Just know that it goes a long way to keeping her heart open when you speak kindly, gently, tenderly, and patiently. If you’re at a loss for words, simply say: “I want to understand. Help me understand.”  These words align with Malachi 4:6 where God directs fathers to turn their hearts---not just their heads---towards their children. And although you may not be as skilled in turning your heart as you are with turning your head, as you mindfully pray for this fruit of the Spirit to be evidenced in you (kindness), I believe you’ll see the evidence of this virtue being developed in you more and more as your first response.

4. Light up when you see her.

Your daughter is innately wired with the need to be the sparkle (or light) in someone’s eyes. And because you were the first man who held her, she will turn less to the counterfeit if she has experienced the real thing with you.

When you consistently make relational deposits into your daughter’s heart, she will become that sparkle, that source of joy, to you and others. 

5. She needs you to interact spiritually.

The Barna Group conducted a study that was released in May of 2019 titled, “The Power Influence of Mothers in Christians’ Households.” You may not be surprised to hear that of the 2,347 kids who were interviewed, about 75% said they primarily go to their moms for spiritual guidance and encouragement. The report also noted that 60 to 75% said they relied on their fathers to provide tangible needs (a.k.a. money) and logistical help. This means that dads are doing an excellent job as they set an example in meeting practical needs while also highlighting where fathers must do better.

Your daughters (and sons) are vulnerable if you don’t step in spiritually.

Here’s what I’ve heard from teenage and 20-something daughters when I asked them what they need from their dads when it comes to spiritual influence:

• “I like when my dad calls me to let me know he’s thinking of me or praying for me.” 

• “I like going to church together or going to a Christian concert.”

• “I wish that my dad would ask me about my spiritual walk and if I say I'm not doing well that he would tell me how I can go about fixing it.” 

I put this spiritual decoding tool last because a daughter will be more open to listening to your input about spiritual things if you have first laid a foundation relationally with her, as noted in the first four tips.

I want to close by being clear in sharing my heart so that you don’t have to decode what I’m saying: I believe in the transformative, healing power of a dad’s love expressed through consistent pursuit of his daughter’s heart.

Let this be the year that you step up and step in as a more intentional dialed-in dad. With God’s help, you can do it!