Why We’re Desperate for Good Dads (and How to Be One) - Guest Blog by Bo Stern-Brady

Bo Stern-Brady is one of my dearest friends whom I deeply love, respect and admire. I’m honored to have her writing this guest blog today where she speaks from her heart to yours about why fathers matter. Enjoy! 
- Michelle

I recently talked to a woman who has been estranged from her father for many years. Her totally healthy father.

She wasn’t abused or yelled at. She just wasn’t much seen at all.

The story of her dad’s parenting could almost be told in one sentence, “He did nothing particularly bad and nothing significantly good.”

He tried to add a daughter into his life without stepping into hers.

He missed a chance to build and encourage her. Actually, he missed a million chances. Daily chances. And he missed nearly every opportunity to protect her from boys who also wanted to make her an accessory to their lives, but not a prize.

Similar stories are everywhere.

I know that dads are a popular scapegoat, and I’m not looking to castigate them here. But I will say: I believe the dad/daughter relationship is one of the most important and foundational elements to our well-being as women.

Our dads have the ability to teach without words.

Regardless of their educational background, vocational success or communication techniques, they constantly teach us (maybe more than anyone) about our own worth as women.

They teach us about beauty and how men view it.

They teach us about body image and sexuality and marriage and safety and commitment.

It’s ironic that men – who I think feel WAY in over their heads communicating to women – are holding so many of the cards when it comes to their daughters.

Today, I’m grateful for two things:

1. I’m so thankful for the good guys and the way they father their girls. (This includes my first husband who is now in heaven, and my current husband who is a boots-on-the-ground, do-what-you-say, stick-to-your-word kind of man and father).

2. Men who are willing to do the hard work of becoming better dads, which includes reading Michelle’s books. Because she writes in a way that men will enjoy, you will see that she does not take cheap shots or ridicule or condescend. She respects men and the role they fill and her writing proves it.

If you are a dad---or know a dad---struggling to connect with his daughter, you can learn on the job if you’re willing. For starters, grab her most recent book. You won’t be sorry. Not ever.

With hope, Bo

Dad, Let's Revisit the Anger Thing

Dad, you know I’m your ally.

I want to see you ‘hit it out of the ballpark’ as a dad to your daughter. I stand in alliance with you in acknowledging that your influence is powerful as you raise and release your healthy, empowered daughter into the world.

This means that anything that stands in the way of achieving that goal has to be addressed. 

There has to be change if anything---or anyone---is standing in the way of this happening. If that someone is you who is causing your daughter harm, then I encourage you to be honest so that course correction can take place. If you, as her father and primary influencer, are responding and behaving in ways that are counterproductive to seeing your daughter thrive, it’s time to address it, wouldn’t you agree?

Based on what I’m hearing, I want to revisit the topic of anger. 

I’ve addressed the destructive impact that a dad’s anger has on his daughter’s health and well-being. And based on over four decades of interacting and mentoring girls and young women, I will say it again: 

Anger is where so many girls and women carry the most hurt from their dads.

Stated otherwise, my goal is to help you understand what your daughter really wants from you, and I am seeking to lead you to look underneath your anger so you can uproot it.

Listen to the words of two young daughters who shared their true thoughts with me:

“I make my dad angry. Just the act of me breathing makes him angry. I’m the source of his anger and he has mentioned that I am on a few occasions. When my father gets frustrated with me I really let him have it---the cold shoulder, that is.”

“I’m sick of my dads moods and blow-ups. He corrupts peace in our home.
I want the dad back that used to hold me on his lap and make me feel balanced and stable.
Now I never know what I’m going to get from him. 
I can’t decide if I’m done with him…or not…because at the end of the day I love him.”

If those words aren’t touching your heart deeply, I invite you to read them again.

And though I talk more about this topic in my first book, “Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart" in the chapter, “Getting Under the Anger,” here’s a short overview if you want to address what is happening underneath your anger responses:

Psychologists have often said there are five primary emotions: happy, sad, angry, scared, and confused. I add that oftentimes the presenting emotion (a.k.a. anger) is NOT the primary driving emotion. Instead, anger often becomes the funnel through which other emotions are released.

This means that when you respond in anger, it’s worthwhile to ask yourself: What sad is under my mad?

• You might be sad that the little girl who used to run and jump into your arms is nowhere to be found

• You might be sad that your daughter is disrespecting you---or someone in your household

• You might be sad that there is disunity in your home and you can’t seem to get things under control

If you can tap into your sadness without dismissing it, I promise that your anger will begin to dissipate. You will balance out your mad feelings by connecting to your underlying sad feelings. 

As a result, you may cry or feel tight in your chest. You may need to punch a bag or go for a run to release your emotional intensity that’s surging through your body. Those are all good and healthy releases because you’re allowing your authentic emotion to lead the way.

And because your responses teach your daughter how to react to life’s challenges and conflicts, fears and failures, messes and mistakes, it’s vital that you find a way to temper your anger if you want her to do the same. 

This, in essence, means you have to work very hard at not reacting to her reaction. You have to respond first in the way you want to see her respond.

Give yourself time to calm down first. Then come back and talk things out or give discipline.

After all, God had a reason for saying, “Fathers, don’t exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master.”
(Ephesians 6:4 MSG).

Your soft response is the quickest way to diffuse her fire. 

Your harsh response is the quickest way to pour fuel on her fire. 

If you’re ready to begin taking responsibility for your anger without excusing or blaming your daughter or circumstances, here’s my five-fold suggestion for proactive movement through the intensity of anger:

1. Calmly remove yourself from the stressful situation. (Do this in a non-abrupt, non-explosive way so that those around you aren’t traumatized by your intensity as you get to a place where you have space to de-escalate).

2. Breathe deeply while looking around at your surroundings. (Notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can smell, 2 things you can hear, and end with 1 thing you are grateful for).

3. Give yourself a ‘time out’ as many minutes as your age. (If you’re 50, for example, you need to give yourself 50 minutes to calm your brain when it’s on fire---and if you can walk around, that will help even more because you’re activating the right and left hemispheres of your body in order to reduce and titrate the intensity you feel inside).

4. Pray. (If you’re in a place to speak out loud, it will help your spirit lead as you hear yourself talk to Jesus. Invite God’s presence and power to give you perspective as you vent to your Heavenly Father who promises to give wisdom if we ask for it—James 1:5).

5. Make amends while listening more than talking. (Go back to your daughter and ask how your response hurt her, then tell her you’re sorry without explanations or defensiveness, finishing with asking her to forgive you. Then honor her need for space to recover and rebuild trust).

I look forward to hearing stories from those of you who are ready to grow in new ways this year where you learn to listen to your anger while not letting it lead and take control.

Dads, Dudes, and Duds

In celebration of all things Valentine’s Day (which is only four days away, incidentally!), there’s no better time than the present to talk about your daughter’s heart strings and the way those strings can be played.

And because you were once a teenage boy, and later a young adult man, you know how guys think who are your daughter’s age. More significantly, you really know what their motives, strategies, and end game looks like.

Today’s blog is designed to help strengthen your resolve to connect with your daughter’s heart at all costs so she’s not vulnerable to the games of the dudes and the duds. At the end of the day, you and I have the same goal: for your daughter to always know she’s a daddy’s girl who is loved, safe, secure and celebrated!

After all, you want what’s best for her….not what’s best for you. And that’s 180 degrees opposite from the guy who wants to win her affection so he has another notch in his belt.

First, a little history. 

I was the daughter who gave my parents quite a few of their grey hairs. And yes, it happened over a guy. I dated him for a little over two years and not surprisingly, the whole thing drove a bit of a wedge in my relationship with my parents.

The more my parents said they didn’t like him, the more the two of us bonded. I think I was a bit warped after seeing the movie Grease right after I graduated from high school in 1978. For whatever reason, that movie stayed with me. So a decade later when this guy and I dated, I figured we were like Danny and Sandy who were destined to be together against all odds. 

What I wouldn't give now for a do-over. 

But this does inspire me to address the topic that many dads have asked me to address:

What do you do when your daughter chooses a guy you think is a dude or a dud (a.k.a., a loser)?

The truth is that I’ve seen many parents alienate their daughter when she’s dating a guy who is not their choice. Clearly the age of the girl plays a part here, but as a general rule, she is going to have to decide what kind of guy is right for her. And she will do it with or without your help.

I know it’s hard to see beyond the current struggle, but when it’s not a clear-cut issue (unless he’s abusive or involved in illegal or unethical practices), a key question for you to ask yourself is:

What do I want my forever relationship with her to look like, long past the present situation? 

I’m not saying that she doesn’t need your input, because if you say nothing then she doesn’t have your perspective or insight. But if you only criticize and put down her boyfriend, she will run to him because she’ll say, “he understands and ‘gets me’ and gives me space to be me.” 

She will interpret anything negative you say about him as an attack on her because she hears you saying that she has bad taste and can’t choose well. This is when a girl gets better at hiding what she’s doing with him if her own heart isn’t convinced he’s not good for her. 

So Dad, here are a few practical questions for you to consider: 

Dad: Do you talk at her, telling her what you don’t like about him?
Dude: Does he listen to her and side with her?
Do the math: Who will she choose to spend time with? 

Dad: Do you pull back out of disgust, anger, or disappointment?
Dude: Does he move toward her, embracing her, holding her?
Do the math: Who will she choose to spend time with? 

Dad: Do you put walls up in your interactions with her to protect your hurting heart over her choice with this guy?
Dude: Does he provide emotional support to lift her up and encourage her while she’s processing hurt and sadness from you?
Do the math: Who will she choose to spend time with? 

If I had one piece of advice to give you dads if your daughter is dating a guy you don’t like, it would be: 

Let your actions speak louder than your words.

Words are key, but keep them few. Use your words wisely and sparingly. But do use words. (Silence is not an option.)

I do have another piece of advice:

Treat her the way you want a guy to treat her and don’t back away.

Because more is caught than taught, be the kind of man you want her to marry. As she experiences real love from you, it will provide a good template for comparison. 

Here are a few questions you can ask her to open up a dialogue as you help her learn how to think, not just what to think:

• Tell me what you like/love about him? (This way you start with something positive) 

• What does he like/love about you? 

• How does he let you know he enjoys you? 

• What do you laugh about when you’re together? 

• Tell me about his family. What is his relationship like with his mother/father/ siblings? 

• What does he want to be when he “grows up”?(She may get defensive with these next ones so be careful to watch your tone so that you aren’t asking with an air of judgment) 

• How free are you to use your voice with him? (Saying “yes” and “no”, sharing opinions, preferences, etc.) 

• Do you have any concerns about him as a person? (His present/past) 

• If there was something about him you could change, what would it be? 

• Where do your spiritual beliefs match up and where do they differ? 

• What degree or educational goals does he have? 

• What career aspirations does he have? 

• How do you both navigate conflict when you disagree or differ in your opinions or choices? 

These are heavy questions, which is why, depending on where your relationship is with your daughter, you may be able to ask only one or two of them at a time. Yet these questions will give you a template to work from over time in order to draw her out. 

And if your daughter is in a relationship that currently breaks your heart, I encourage you to write out (yes, literally write out) a list of specific prayer requests. Watch God work as you use your voice to advocate on your daughter’s behalf with Father God. 

And last, I leave you with a question to ponder by asking yourself: How can I maintain a quality relationship with my daughter even if I don’t like the choice she is making with this guy?

Continue to be the dad who outshines the dude and the dud so you can be the dad who never varies in his love for his daughter.

After a Daughter Loses Her Dad

“I feel closer to my dad now that he’s gone. He used to joke with me and I’d burst into tears. Then he’d say I was too fragile and sensitive. But now he listens really well."

These are words shared with me from a woman who lost her dad just one year ago.

To honor his life, she went skiing on the anniversary of his death to remember and feel closer to him on the mountain where they used to ski together. She continued:

“I wish I would’ve had a chance to know him before he had all of his deep hurts and coping mechanisms. I got the parts of him when his threshold was maxed and then he’d blow. But I always knew there were tender parts of him that were his spirit.”

Such insightful and gracious words, to say the least. 

I wonder what her dad would say now if he could hear her sentiments. I believe he’d respond differently by kindly affirming her and seeking to understand her. 

We’re all aware that our time is limited.

We know there’s a beginning and an end to life here on earth. 

And the older we all get, the more we start looking in our rear view mirror to see there’s more behind us than ahead. 

Yet as hard as we try and imagine how we will be remembered after we’re gone, the reality is that it’s challenging to live every day as if it were our last.

But what a positive difference that awareness makes. 

That said, I want to share with you an email I received from a woman who also recently lost her dad.

Hi Michelle…I've never heard of you before yesterday. However, my dad died very suddenly 10 weeks ago at age 66 (the day before I turned 31). My mom passed me your book--Let's Talk. I didn't know he read your book, but the last 5 years of our relationship have been the best 5. He's shown his love in countless ways...sometimes for no reason. He was a very brilliant and quiet man. I did question his love at times growing up. We have had a sweet last 5 years. He helped me have the courage to buy my first home. He helped me fix it up and build furniture. We went on many dates. I am unsure what role your book played in his life, but I wanted to thank you for writing it. When he died--I had no doubts that he loved me. Glad he is home with his Heavenly Father. 

Although this is a bit of a somber post, my hope is that you’ll take away some powerful themes from the stories of these amazing women. Together they’re saying that the years of relational deposits from their dads have increased in value now that they’re gone. 

Every day that you’re still here is a day where you can positively and proactively invest in your daughter’s life, which makes it a better day than the last. 

I invite you to make a renewed commitment to activate these five things with your daughter, starting today:

1. Listen with more patience and grace 

2. Validate her unique wiring and personality

3. Set aside distractions in order to be fully present

4. Enjoy the distinctive things that make her unique…and tell her what they are!

5. Communicate with her today, telling her that you treasure her and love being her dad 

This is how your presence will remain active and alive in her when you’re no longer here to do and say these things. 

And this is what will empower her to stand alongside these other two women while joining them in saying she had no doubt that you--her dad--always loved her. 

FOUR WORDS to Lead Your Daughter FORWARD

There’s nothing better than starting the new year with:

• new goals

• new energy

• new vision

• new passion 

• new clarity

• new dreams

But let’s be honest. For most of us, by the end of January we’ve already forgotten the goals we set early on or we’re discouraged because we’re not on track in the way we’d imagined. That double bind can then lead to shame and guilt, resulting in a feeling of defeat where we conclude that it’s easier not to set goals or cast a vision for the upcoming year.

Then the whole thing shuts us down.

So….how would you like an action-oriented plan to reboot your resolve?

As a way for you and your daughter to be strategic right out of the gate here at the start of this new year if you’re dealing with:

• fatigue

• fear 

• false starts

• fogginess

• failure

• fatalism

I have a creative idea to move things FORWARD should you be ready to step up and step in to 2023 with a FOUR WORD mindset.

This FUN grid is one page that you can print out and use to open up a great conversation with your daughter as each of you choose four areas you want to focus on this year.

And no, I didn’t write this, but I found it online. And many of my counseling clients this week have told me they LOVE it! If your daughter is anything like the courageous women I counsel, I assure you they’ll also find it fascinating and eye-opening.

Here’s your assignment this week: 

After printing off this handout, join your daughter in circling the first four words you see on the page and it will:

• strengthen your bond

• guide your focus this year

• give you a creative way to brainstorm together about your values

• open up a clever and potentially powerful conversation using the prompt words on the page

And just so you know I’m in this with you, I’ll start by sharing the first four words I just circled:

1. connection

2. creation

3. strength

4. love

Now it’s your turn. Feel free to write me and tell me the words you and your daughter circle because I’d love to hear how it goes!

Happy New Year and let’s all commit to making 2023 the best it can be by leaning intentionally into those relationships we value most.

Click here for the pdf attachment of the “The First 4 Words Will Sum Up Your 2023." 

Put Your Love In Writing

This week I hosted an online Zoom forum for dads of daughters, which was a new thing for me to try….and we all loved it! There’s nothing I love better than gathering with fathers from across the country who all have a similar goal of pursuing their daughter’s hearts with more intention. 

[I do plan to do more of these online gatherings as I’m seeing the practical benefit of meeting in this way….so stay tuned!]

One thing we discussed was the idea of dads giving their daughters a special gift this Christmas by writing a letter to love and bless them.

If you want to join these dads and give your daughter a Christmas gift this year that: 

• Won’t cost any money

• Won’t require driving to the mall (you’re welcome!)

• Will only take 30 to 45 minutes of your time

• Is guaranteed to be one of her all-time favorite gifts…then get your pen ready!

One of the greatest presents you can give your daughter is to affirm her through writing. 

I speak from personal experience by sharing that I’ve saved all the letters and cards my dad has ever made me. And I’ve heard innumerable stories from other daughters who also have saved letters and cards from their dads, which are sacred treasures, especially for those whose dads are no longer here to tell them in person that they are loved.

And in a world where written communication is increasingly digital (texts, emails, tweets), a letter scripted in your own handwriting is sure to stand out as unique.

Dad, put your words of affirmation, acceptances, belief, encouragement, promise, and praise into writing because your daughter will treasure what you say to her for a lifetime. 

The time you spend now putting your thoughts, feelings, prayers, wishes, hopes, and dreams into written form will pay dividends long after you’re gone as she reads and rereads your words.

Whether you’re a dad who has already begun this practice or you are a tentative newbie, I want to share a few ideas to support your pen-to-paper challenge. 

Here are a few dad-to-daughter letter-writing ideas to add to your repertoire:

• What is one of the first things you remember about her from when she was born and you looked at her for the first time?

• What beauty did you see in her then and what beautiful features do you see in her now? (Girls love hearing about their eyes, smile, and the unique features that you see as beautiful)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• What strengths do you believe she has, both in terms of skill and in her person (her character, personality, etc.)?

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• Tell her specific reasons you’re proud of her

• Write about what obstacles you have seen her overcome—emphasize such qualities as courage, resilience, strength, commitment, endurance, and power

• Write about dreams you have for her future, whether in the form of your wishes for her or things you pray about for her—do this without preaching or lecturing, only encourage

• Tell her what it means to you to spend time with her

• Communicate why you love being her dad in this season of her life (add current things about her age right now that you’re aware of and highlight them as positive)

• Let her know that you will always be there for her, telling her what it means to you to be her dad

Dad, as you give your daughter the gift of a letter from you this Christmas, I guarantee it will be one of her favorite gifts that will last a lifetime.

The Day I Went to Prison

I went to prison last month. For real.

But just for one day.

And what I experienced on that Saturday in a maximum-security prison is something that will stay with me forever.

My hope is that you’ll be inspired and consequently be motivated to take action as a #girldad as you contrast and compare your story to the one I will share here.

Let me first give context.

I was invited to this prison experience alongside a group of people who have a passion for seeing recidivism decrease among inmates. They’ve discovered that a powerful path to accomplishing this goal is to bring dads and their kids together for one day in the hope that by uniting them there will be subsequent motivation for these men to take positive steps forward.

There was one particular dad-daughter pair that touched my heart so deeply that I have to tell you about them.

And for those of you who are a dad to a daughter, I trust that this powerful story will remind you to pursue her heart and tell her you love her every day while remembering that your freedom to do so is something that can easily be taken for granted.

To begin, imagine that you’re walking with me along a path in the middle of nowhere Mississippi on a dreary, rainy day. It’s mid-morning and as we move past the armed prison guards, we look up to see barbed-wire fences and buildings that look as worn and weary as the people who inhabit them. Together we walk through bullet-proof doors with multiple security cameras examining our every move, and we’re a bit apprehensive because we’re not fully sure what we’ll experience on the other side of the doors ahead. But we keep taking steps and walk into a gym that is the site for today’s event.

About 25 or 30 men are there, all dressed in prison garb with the word CONVICT in big, black, bold letters on the back of their shirts. Some of the inmates are seated in chairs in the middle of the room, nervously awaiting the arrival of their children while others are already reunited with their kids, laughing and playing games with them.

We walk around, smiling to cover up our discomfort as we say hello to the guys. Then we strike up a conversation with two men who eagerly share stories with us about their daughters. One has a 9-year old and the other tells us that today is the first time he will be meeting his 17-year old daughter. While speaking, that dad never takes his eyes off the main door as he anticipates her arrival.

We stand there taking it all in and when we turn our heads for a split second, we realize that he’s bolted out of his seat. We scan the room to find him at the front door, embracing his teenage daughter for the first time in her life…and his.

From across the room it’s clear that this dad is taking the initiative to connect with his daughter in an embrace that he’s no doubt anticipated for years. Everyone witnessing this moment has tears filling their eyes as we realize this sacred exchange is unfolding in real time before us.

At first glance, this looks like a Hallmark movie as this dad and his estranged daughter unite. But that’s not the whole story.

The reality (as we will later learn) is that when this young woman was being driven to the facility with her mom, she was shaking in fear, crying, and saying she didn’t want to do this after all. It was just too scary. Yet there she was, walking into her fear, courageously stepping into the unknown.

Without knowing any of that, her dad stepped up and stepped in to communicate through his hug that he was glad to meet her and thankful she came. He took the initiative to take the first steps to let her know she had value and worth to him.

Throughout the day, you and I discreetly watch them and notice they never move around the room to play any of the games. Instead, they sit side by side, both looking straight ahead most of the time. Often they aren’t talking at all, but somehow despite visible awkwardness, they stay at it.

Though we as volunteers have been instructed not to ask questions, we wonder about their backstory. We wonder what crime this dad committed that led him here and wonder how much longer he’ll be in this prison.

Yet despite all that we don’t know, there is one thing we do know: Both of them faced their fears and demonstrated courage with the end goal of connecting.

If you’re still okay walking alongside me as you picture this scenario in your mind’s eye, I want you now to hear and see what happens next. This is when the best moment of all begins to unfold.

We walk up to them at the end of the day when this dad happens to be telling his daughter the story of all of us talking earlier when she initially came through the door. Right then another leader asks us to join in praying for them.

Because I’ve read the research and believe in the power of safe touch between a dad and his daughter, as well as having noticed they hadn’t had any physical contact all day, I lead the way by saying, “let’s hold hands as we pray.” We all join hands and the prayers begin.

Then I knew it was time to call this dad into leading by example.

I look at him and say, “Now it’s your turn to pray for your daughter.” I wasn’t sure how he’d respond since I didn’t have any details about his faith background, but was overjoyed when he immediately began to pray out loud. Though I couldn’t hear all of what he said, I did hear the part where he prayed that she wouldn’t make the same mistakes he has made.

That’s when she began to cry.

I could tell that he didn’t know what to do so I coached him to put his arm around her. And he did. Right then she leans her head into her dad’s chest and her tears flow even more freely. I say to her, “Let out your tears, baby, because this is how your heart will heal.”

I’ll always remember that moment when a dad’s prayer over his teenage daughter opened the floodgates of her emotions as she heard her dad’s love expressed through an unrehearsed genuine prayer.

I was reminded anew that a dad doesn’t have to know how to pray in order to actually pray for his daughter. All he has to do is open his mouth and ask God to move in ways that align with what is on his heart for her.

Yes, bad choices and prison walls kept this dad from reaching his daughter’s heart and life for 17 years. But on this day he faced her and embraced her.

Dad, you don’t need to spend a day in prison to be reminded that you have the freedom to lead and love your daughter boldly.

So the question I ask you is: What’s your reason for letting one more day go by without facing, embracing, talking, praying, and telling your daughter how much you love her and why you do.

I know there’s one incarcerated dad who would trade places with you in a heartbeat just to have the ability to do all of that freely today.

Burned Bridges

I love it when a father takes time out of his day to write in response to something I’ve written. And because those messages touch me deeply, I am careful to take the time to respond in a way that lets each one know I care about his situation.

A recurring story I hear are from dads who are estranged from their daughters telling me they are lost on what to do next. Their hearts are breaking and they don’t know where to turn.

Serving to illustrate the pain inside a father’s heart, one dad wrote:

Why is it hard for my daughter to want me in her life? I ache in my heart and feel a part of my life is missing. My sister and daughter are very close and she says I need to release her to God's providence. I can't imagine my life without her. I need some wisdom. Thank you.

I often feel that any response I give will either be a disservice to the complexity of the situation or might negate the backstory of his daughter’s decision to write her dad out of her life story. Yet in each response I seek to put my heart on paper while encouraging him to never give up on his girl. I continually share my hope that he will keep pursuing her heart - going after what he knows matters to her - while also honoring her requested need for space.

One of my close friends has been going through this kind of agonizing distance with his daughter. For almost 3 years now he has had very little contact with her. I’ve asked him to share more about the real underside of this kind of heartache from a dad’s perspective…

Michelle: Have you understood her reasons for distancing from you, or is that a puzzle?

Dad: Yes kind of. She has a lot of anxiety and I cause her to be nervous. I was the “justice” parent and she hates to displease me. Her perception is that she displeased me a lot as a child – that was not my perception. She was the apple of my eye. When she was 12 she began distancing herself from me. I thought it was normal teen angst – but I realize now that it was much deeper than that.

Michelle: What has been the hardest part of her being gone?

Dad: I miss her terribly. It’s very frustrating not knowing what’s going on in her life and I want to help her but I can’t because I don’t know what’s happening.

Michelle: Is there anything you can share about what your thought process has been like in understanding/coming to terms with/being honest about the role you’ve played in her leaving home and not wanting contact with you?

Dad: I didn’t realize how sensitive she was to even the slightest negative comment. I’m not a screamer – and I’m much more encouraging than my dad was to me. So I figured I was doing okay. I tried to say three times as many encouraging things as corrective things. But still her anxiety has made it really hard for her to hear anything but condemnation.

Michelle: What would you tell other dads whose hearts are breaking as a result of their daughter closing the door and rejecting them? How do you really deal with it when you literally are helpless to reach her, change her mind or draw her back?

Dad: You have to get to the point where it’s not about you. At first I used to think, “That little brat. She’s so ungrateful.” I thought about retaliating – to teach her a lesson. “If things get really bad for her then she’ll finally appreciate me.” This is the stupid dialogue that went on in my head. But over time my anger cooled and I began to see the bigger picture: It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship. So I gave up my right to be right and waited patiently for her to communicate with me. That started again a couple of months ago.

What powerful and healing words: “It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship.” This dad came to terms with the fact that his daughter’s heart mattered more than his own hurt. Taking a humble, strong stance like this must start with you, Dad.

I’ve spoken with many dads who admit they’ve had a significant role in destroying the bridge between themselves and their daughters. I want you to hear that I’m not standing in judgment of you for the past, but I am challenging you to take the initiative and make amends today.

If you’ve read my blogs or my books, you’ll recall me saying that men would rather do nothing than do it wrong. This applies to making amends too. Perhaps you’ve held off crossing the bridge to her heart because you think too much time has passed or she’ll never talk to you again. This is where you’ll have to be wise moving forward. Start with a letter if she’s not okay with seeing you or doesn’t feel safe with you, or perhaps a text - without expecting a response - as long as you are honoring her boundaries.

Another key piece of the rebuilding process is to lay your weapons down. You can’t approach her with defensiveness or in “attack mode” if you want to repair the bridge. If you care more about her hurt and her heart than you do about being right, then you can try these three steps:

1. Ask questions with a sincere desire to know the answer 

“I know I hurt you with my words yesterday. When you came to me I didn’t listen well. You were right about that piece. I want to listen now. Can you please tell me again what you want?”

2. Ask forgiveness for specifics, not generalities

“Last night I was tired after work and took it out on you. I saw the look of hurt in your eyes when I got angry, yet I chose not to meet you in the way you needed me to. Will you please forgive me?” 

3. Never mix amends with criticism (subtle or direct)

(This is an example of what NOT to say) “I know I was harsh, but so were you. If you want to tell me now what you were saying last night, I will try to listen. But you need to meet me halfway and not be as emotional this time around.” 

The key here is to picture her heart in yours and proceed with caution, because the severity of offenses vary, but the presence of any demands on your part will backfire indefinitely in reaching out to her in love. 

To close, here is some of my response to the hurting father at the start of this blog:

One idea for you during this time of estrangement from your daughter is to buy a journal and write letters to her in it. You may or may not ever give it to her, but either way it can be a place to express the desires of your heart to her—wishes, dreams, ideas, prayers, truths of who she is as you see her and God sees her, verses you pray for her, and random or silly things that you wish you could say to her. This book will serve as a time capsule of sorts should you choose to give her the journal sometime down the road.

Whether you’re a dad who needs to rebuild the bridge to his daughter’s heart or you’re building the bridge in a proactive way right now and things are good between the two of you, I’d suggest doing this journal idea. I cannot imagine a daughter who wouldn’t treasure a gift like this from her father. You could write in it once a week for a year and then present it to her on her next birthday or on Father’s Day as a surprise to switch it up and let her know how much you love being her dad.

No matter the method, no matter the cost, I trust you’ll choose today to invest your time and energy to become an expert bridge-builder to your daughter’s heart.

How the Quinceañera Teaches Fathers to Celebrate Their Daughters

In celebration of my upcoming Spanish translation of Let's Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters, I’m sharing with you a heartwarming story I read awhile back that was tucked on the back page of a small-town newspaper. It was about a traditional Latino celebration as told through the eyes of a father. It was only after reading the article that I realized it was actually written by his daughter! This indicates to me that she got to feel and hear what her big event was like for him…at a heart level.

Clearly this dad’s love for his daughter is evident as he shares his perspective on the biggest day in his 15-year old daughter’s life, her Quinceañera, as it officially marked her leaving childhood behind while publicly embracing womanhood.

Though I’ve never attended a Quinceañera, this story makes me wish I had. I’m truly in awe of the precision to detail, preparation, planning, and investment of time and money that went into one single day for a teenage girl. What a forever gift she was given by her family! And similar to that of a wedding day, the focus is centered on a single “flower” who blossoms in front of all who come to celebrate only her. Even in the written story I could feel the incredible love that was poured over her, especially from her father, as four main events represented her transition from little girl to grown woman:

1. The changing of her shoes from flats to heels

2. Her dance with her last doll

3. Her crowning with a tiara

4. The dance with her father (which is said to be the most important part of the entire event)

Photography by Martin Muriel Fotografo, 2019. Full gallery available here.

It was so touching to see a picture of the dad kneeling at the feet of his daughter, removing her flat shoes while slipping onto her feet a pair of heels, as if she was a princess at the ball. In response to this interaction dad says,

“Seeing her walk in heels was probably what made it all real for me. She hadn’t worn heels because she wasn’t supposed to, so seeing her stumble around and try to find her balance was just reminding me that she was going to struggle on her road ahead and she was going to have to make herself stable again on her own.”

And there was dad, nearby, waiting in the wings, ready to catch her if she did indeed fall.

Dad continued by explaining how emotional it was for him to see his daughter laughing and smiling while dancing in her sparkling dress holding her favorite doll. He found himself reminiscing about how it seemed like only yesterday that she was playing with Barbies. It had gone by so fast and now here she was all grown up. Yet as her dad, he was filled with joy as he proudly showed her off to everyone.

Reading this story made me wonder what it would be like if every branch of society took a cue from cultures where dads actively celebrate and mark their daughter’s maturation in some kind of significant way.

And what if dads everywhere found a way to let their maturing daughters know they are dialed in, present, and on board as she transitions into and embraces womanhood?

I wonder what would happen if every girl, like the one in this article, knew that she had a day marked out for her where her dad treated her like the belle of the ball in a significant and celebratory way to confirm that she has profound value in his eyes. She would have that day and that event to look forward to long before it took place.

And if a big shindig isn’t your daughter’s style, maybe…

• You could take her on a dad-daughter hike to a beautiful place in your state initiating a new annual tradition that celebrates her love of adventure and nature

• She would enjoy a dinner party hosted at a restaurant with a few family and/or friends where you could surprise her by writing and reading a letter about what gifts you see in her that make you proud of her

• You could have a fancy dinner at home where you read her a handwritten letter while the rest of the family listens, ending with a dance in the living room to a pre-selected song

• She would like a piece of special jewelry that will remind her every time she wears it that she’s your girl and you love her to pieces

• She loves risk-taking that activates her adrenaline while proving to herself that she’s brave, like bungee jumping, scuba diving, climbing a rock wall, or running a half marathon and you can celebrate together in that way

These are just a few ideas to hopefully spur your creativity and motivate you to plan ahead by creating an event to let your daughter know that you are excited to see your little girl grow up. Share your ideas with her and together decide what would have the most meaning to her. And if she’s already grown, you can do still do this in retrospect; she’ll still love the fact that you’re celebrating her now.

Dad, let’s start with practical steps. Connect with your daughter today---through your written, texted, or spoken words---and let her know that you celebrate the girl and woman she is. She’ll shine inside and out as you honor her today!

And just for fun, here's a video of an adorable dad-daughter Quinceañera dance where the two made this moment completely their own:

Understanding Your Mysterious Daughter

So often hear fathers tell me that their daughters are complicated, complex, confusing, and unpredictable. The mysterious nature of a young daughter’s tantrum, a teenage attitude, or an adult’s cold shoulder spooks fathers everywhere into frustration in their relationships. However, I have discovered that we girls are not as hard to understand as we may seem!

Today’s decoding strategy comes straight from the one Man in all of history who always got it right when it came to relationships. You may know who I’m talking about: Jesus. I figure there’s no better example than learning from the best!

During His time on earth he met two sisters, Martha and Mary, and they were close, personal friends of Jesus. He knew them and they knew him. For better or worse. Let’s pick up the story (from Luke 10:38-42 if you want to look it up later) where Martha is overly reactive, super stressed, and basically freaking out.

If you can relate to experiencing any of those realities in your home, listen to what Jesus (with his male energy) did to enter the fray with his frazzled female friend.

Here are the 5 “easy” steps to decoding and relating to your daughter, especially during those times when things are emotionally intense.

1. He lets her vent to Him while He listens to all of it.
Even when she dramatically tells Jesus that he “doesn’t care” (false assumptions always take place during meltdowns) she continues by crying about having to do everything “by myself.” And if that wasn’t enough, she then barks at Jesus and demands that he tell her sister to help her. Surprisingly, he doesn’t lecture but listens and essentially absorbs her intensity by being her sounding board.

2. He says her name twice…gently and lovingly.
There’s something calming when any of us hear our name. And for us girls, it’s grounding for us to be spoken to by name. If you speak your daughter’s name with love in your tone and in a gentle way, she will come towards you---maybe not right away, but it is a powerful, healing strategy that works.

3. He sits with her in her emotional reality.
Notice that he doesn’t try and talk her out of what she’s feeling or try to get her to think rationally. No lecture. No criticism. Jesus knows that she couldn’t hear it anyway while being so worked up. So, he simply stays with her, looks at her, validates her, and puts words to what she’s feeling, calling it “worry” and “upset.” He tenderly names her emotions. No judgment.

4. He highlights all that is on her life plate.
As girls we are wired to multi-task. That’s why we can talk on the phone, paint our nails, watch a show, and do homework…all at the same time! Yet all of a sudden, we reach the end of our rope and implode. Again, this is where we need gentle grace not power positions. Jesus just told Martha that he knew she had “many things” going on, leading to her melt down. How kind of him to notice. If you validate all that is pressing in on your daughter, your words will go long and far to make her feel heard and understood.

5. He directs her to focus on one thing.
Jesus tells her that “only one thing is needed.” The implication is that it’s about focusing on Him as the one thing rather than all the needs around her. When we girls get overwhelmed with the much, we need gentle, supportive guidance to take it one thing at a time. Breaking it down into bite size pieces is immensely helpful when we’re breaking down.

Summing up: When your daughter is melting down sit alongside her and listen to her vent. Move towards her, and lovingly say her name. Tell her that you understand that she is “worried and upset.” Let her know you do see that she has a lot on her plate, and assist in helping her to focus on one issue.

I know it’s easier said than done, but these 5 things will make all the difference in the eye of the storm when you are there trying to keep up with her complexity. And after the storm has passed, the main thing your daughter will remember is that you Dad were there in it with her.